Girlfriend trouble.

cuddly-cobra

My girlfriend (of 5 years) has started acting very cold towards me lately - around a month now. I ask her simple questions and she either has a smart answer or some retort which lately has me questioning if I should just finish it. I've asked her a few times if something is wrong - if I've p*ssed her off, but she say's everything's fine.
We've had a few arguements over the last few weeks over how she is treating me - at first she asked me what the f**k was I talking about, that it was all in my head and then she admitted she was at fault and apologised (last weekend)
We went out last night, and I had her car keys - went to open her door for her (I had 2 beers in me at this point, she's teetotal) and she blew up on me - "You're not driving, you've been drinking" At this point, I was turning the key in the door to unlock it, and I just looked up at her and snapped "I was opening the door for you" and she replies "Oh, you gonna sulk about it now?" I just shrugged it off and we went out to meet her friends. The rest of last night went without incident, if a little boring.
We have to go out again tonight but I don't want to be there putting on a smiley face just to be sociable.

What the hell do I do? - lately, my dad is in poor health - I have enough stress in my life without her adding to it, but if this doesn't give, I'm going to have to end it (not my life, the relationship) - she's supposed to be my best friend, but lately she is my worst enemy.

vincenzo1975

I bet she is getting fed up with the lack of commitment, after 5 years maybe its time to drop the question??

have her mates recently(in last 6 months) got married or engaged?

cuddly-cobra

Her sister.

vincenzo1975

even worse....

to test her, casually bring up the subject of marriage (ask how is her sister since the marriage)and see how she reacts. If she lights up and starts to talk bout her dream wedding, you are in trouble. lol

The fact that you are even discussing marriage should pick her up though.

cuddly-cobra

Haha - I'll give it a try!

I had planned on popping the question on our anniversary anyway - if we last til then.

MIN2511

vincenzo1975 wrote: »

I bet she is getting fed up with the lack of commitment, after 5 years maybe its time to drop the question??

have her mates recently(in last 6 months) got married or engaged?

100% agree, women can't hide their feelings....

Hopefully ye would last until the anniversary

Profiler

cuddly-cobra wrote: »

What the hell do I do? - lately, my dad is in poor health - I have enough stress in my life without her adding to it, but if this doesn't give, I'm going to have to end it (not my life, the relationship) - she's supposed to be my best friend, but lately she is my worst enemy.

That last bit could be the most telling, could it be that your father's ill health is affecting you and more importantly her more than you realise?

I've seen it happen in a work environment where the 2nd in command's mother was terminally ill with cancer and she made everyone's life a misery, she didn't realise things were so bad until the boss had a word to her after she came back from the funeral.

What I'm getting at is that when you are so close a situation it is hard sometimes to get the proper perspective.

Anyway what ever the problem is you need to talk, sit her down and tell her how you feel what the implications will be if it continues. Of course it could be the case that your relationship has run it's course and the timing is just unfortunate.

SarahSassy

cuddly-cobra wrote: »

Haha - I'll give it a try!

I had planned on popping the question on our anniversary anyway - if we last til then.

You wouldnt believe how many women get p'd off with their other halves and finsih it because the relationship is dragging on too long.

Dont wait for your anniversary. Seize the day and you will know one way or another.

davyjose

I bet she is getting fed up with the lack of commitment, after 5 years maybe its time to drop the question??

And of course, if that's not the reason, and there is something else ... you've just gone from considering breaking up with her, to commiting to spend the rest of your life with her.

Sorry if I'm being cynical, but there really is no wonder there are so many people on here with problems. Modern society, tsk.

davyjose

SarahSassy wrote: »

You wouldnt believe how many women get p'd off with their other halves and finsih it because the relationship is dragging on too long.

Hmm, how does marriage prevent the relationship from dragging on?

Silverfish

davyjose wrote: »

And of course, if that's not the reason, and there is something else ... you've just gone from considering breaking up with her, to commiting to spend the rest of your life with her.

Sorry if I'm being cynical, but there really is no wonder there are so many people on here with problems. Modern society, tsk.

No, he said he has been thinking of proposing, BUT LATELY she's been like his worst enemy. Sounds like he was thinking of proposing BEFORE that.

Hmm, how does marriage prevent the relationship from dragging on?

Well, if someone's going out with someone for years and years but doesn't actually want to marry them ... its either time to sh*t or get off the pot, tbh.
Its okay if both people are against marriage, but if one wants it and the other's quite happy to keep the relationship hanging on but doesn't want a commitment, then there's some issues there, imo.

SarahSassy

Silverfish wrote: »

Well, if someone's going out with someone for years and years but doesn't actually want to marry them ... its either time to sh*t or get off the pot, tbh.
Its okay if both people are against marriage, but if one wants it and the other's quite happy to keep the relationship hanging on but doesn't want a commitment, then there's some issues there, imo.

+1

davyjose

Silverfish wrote: »

Well, if someone's going out with someone for years and years but doesn't actually want to marry them ... its either time to sh*t or get off the pot, tbh.
Its okay if both people are against marriage, but if one wants it and the other's quite happy to keep the relationship hanging on but doesn't want a commitment, then there's some issues there, imo.

Can't say I agree - if someone was with me for 5 years, I would consider that a commitment. Needing marriage to feel, I dunno, "safe" and breaking up with the person you "love" because they won't buy you a diamond ring is IMO a shambolic way to think and behave.

Silverfish

davyjose wrote: »

Can't say I agree - if someone was with me for 5 years, I would consider that a commitment. Needing marriage to feel, I dunno, "safe" and breaking up with the person you "love" because they won't buy you a diamond ring is IMO a shambolic way to think and behave.

Okay, so you're one of the other ones. Doesn't matter, but try to understand that some people don't feel that way, and that's why they'll break up with someone to stop a relationship 'dragging on' and going nowhere.
Nobody wants that 'Yeah you're good enough to go out with, but I wouldn't want to marry you' feeling after 5+ years of a relationship.

SarahSassy

davyjose wrote: »

Can't say I agree - if someone was with me for 5 years, I would consider that a commitment. Needing marriage to feel, I dunno, "safe" and breaking up with the person you "love" because they won't buy you a diamond ring is IMO a shambolic way to think and behave.

I think a lot of men think like this and it is a valid thought process, problem is a lot of women dont, hence the many breakups due to lack of what we see as a 'committment'.

davyjose

Silverfish wrote: »

Okay, so you're one of the other ones.

I'm not an other anything

Look, I understand women feel different to men about marriage. Venus, Mars etc. But I'm sensing from the tone that some people are condoning her behaviour, i.e. making his life a misery over it!

Silverfish

davyjose wrote: »

I'm not an other anything

Look, I understand women feel different to men about marriage. Venus, Mars etc. But I'm sensing from the tone that some people are condoning her behaviour, i.e. making his life a misery over it!

Oh god no, we're just explaining what *might* be going on, and to be honest, it can cause some stress if a sibling gets married and everyone starts on at them with the 'oh its you next' thing and she's with him 5 years and it all piles up and..... ugh. But there isn't really any excuse for that behaviour at all. Reasons yes, excuses, no.

She may be just thinking it out in her head for the last while, and in the meantime, being short with him without really realising it.

I would really recommend he doesn't jump in proposing while things are like this, but instead sit down, talk to her, and see what the problem is.

davyjose wrote: »

I'm not an other anything

Look, I understand women feel different to men about marriage. Venus, Mars etc. But I'm sensing from the tone that some people are condoning her behaviour, i.e. making his life a misery over it!

Emm..... SOME women, not ALL women. Thanks.

SarahSassy

davyjose wrote: »

But I'm sensing from the tone that some people are condoning her behaviour, i.e. making his life a misery over it!

I am certainly not anyway... Its something I have discussed with friends recently cos its been happening a lot. The lads are motoring along assuming everything is dunky dorey when in reality the GF is fuming and eventually finishes it 'out of the blue' (for him)....

cuddly-cobra

Lads and ladies - thanks for reading and your replies.

I was planning on popping the question over christmas - but her sister got engaged in november and I didn't want to steal their thunder, or feel like a copy-cat.

@Silverfish - she had admitted to being short with me last weekend and apologised, although she gave no excuse - at the time, I didn't want to push her, she had realised she was in the wrong.

@Sarah - an awful lot of her friends are married or engaged, come to think of it, another one of her friends was engaged in January of this year.

Beruthiel

cuddly-cobra wrote: »

an awful lot of her friends are married or engaged, come to think of it, another one of her friends was engaged in January of this year.

What age is she? Is the clock ticking? I'm beginning to suspect you have your reason for her being 'off' with you.
Also, she would appear to be waiting for you to bring it up as if she does, it just won't be the same.
Ah women, don't you just love them

nevaeh-2die-4

cuddly-cobra wrote: »

Haha - I'll give it a try!

I had planned on popping the question on our anniversary anyway - if we last til then.

Don’t allow her to bully u into marriage, sweet jasus wheres your balls.

She is probably getting bored of the same routine day in day out.
May a nice romantic holiday could be the answer a few days away.
Not only do you save your relationship, u also don’t get attached to a ball of chain!!!

Nevaeh 2Die4 Doesn’t do advice but he if he did it would probably be the best advice in the world!

vincenzo1975

nevaeh-2die-4 wrote: »

Don’t allow her to bully u into marriage, sweet jasus wheres your balls.

She is probably getting bored of the same routine day in day out.
May a nice romantic holiday could be the answer a few days away.
Not only do you save your relationship, u also don’t get attached to a ball of chain!!!

Nevaeh 2Die4 Doesn’t do advice but he if he did it would probably be the best advice in the world!

if she was a ball and chain he woudnt be considering marrying her, would he, sheesh, he loves the girl for crying out load....

you sound a bit insecure....

cuddly-cobra

She's 27.

@ neveah-2-die - no-one is bullying me to do anything.

bobtjustice

I'd be very, very wary of proposing, it could be the last thing on her mind.

Very simple soloution, have a conversation, sit her down and talk about it. If it is the marrige thing then propose ( if your both into it and I mean BOTH of you) and best of luck with it.! : )

axer

In fairness it is not good that she won't tell you what is wrong with her. I think that is a problem that I am not sure marraige will fix.

I think you need to stop her at home sometime and ask her straight out what is wrong and don't leave until she explains herself.

Beruthiel

cuddly-cobra wrote: »

She's 27.

Then if it is the marriage thing, she is counting the time it takes to get married, settled and have children. The clock may very well be ticking.
The only way you'll know, is if you ask her is that why she's been like this for the last month.
You know her long enough to ask the question straight out.

Mazeire

Take her away for the weekend and over dinner ask her what is going on and tell her you can't go on with the way things are.
If it is the marriage thing do you really WANT to marry her with the way things are at the moment? It sounds like you both have a lot of work to do and maybe a bit of couples counselling would be better than a proposal.

nevaeh-2die-4

Marriage and babies’ don’t solve relationship problems.

They just make it worse.

vincenzo1975

This may sound really stupid to people who are not married or dont have kids but.....

If she is out with the girls and they are talking about marriage and the possability of having babies, and wouldn't it be great that all the babies will be the same age growing up etc etc.

You can be damn sure this girl is hurt, and feeling very left out.

If it is not this and is something else, then soke simple talking around the subject will sort it out. But be very sure, girls take this thing very seriously when the girls in their circle start to move on, especially if they are in a 5 year relationship.

nevaeh-2die-4

vincenzo1975 wrote: »

This may sound really stupid to people who are not married or dont have kids but.....

If she is out with the girls and they are talking about marriage and the possability of having babies, and wouldn't it be great that all the babies will be the same age growing up etc etc.

You can be damn sure this girl is hurt, and feeling very left out.

If it is not this and is something else, then soke simple talking around the subject will sort it out. But be very sure, girls take this thing very seriously when the girls in their circle start to move on, especially if they are in a 5 year relationship.

that’s very shallow if that’s the case to think like that its 2008 not 1968.
The mind frame of marriage and children is slowly on the decline.
More open to long lasting relations without baggage and ball and chains are in.

She is only 27 for gods sake.

You can be damn sure this girl is hurt, and feeling very left out.

that’s the whole cliché of I want what the have etc etc.

If she is listening to people talking about babies and she is getting baby fever,
Man 2 man maybe its about time to double bag!!

vincenzo1975

horses for courses, you obviously like the free and single life, others like to get married and settle. its up to the individual.

axer

vincenzo1975 wrote: »

others like to get married and settle. its up to the individual.

and others don't see any benefit of marraige other than possible tax benefits (probably outweighed by the costs of marraige - if so inclined). So some others don't get married AND settle down.

davyjose

vincenzo1975 wrote: »

You can be damn sure this girl is hurt, and feeling very left out.

And throwing a month-long tantrum is an adult and rational way to deal with it?
IMO, it's sad that marriage these days is something to "get done" rather than what it should be.

davyjose

vincenzo1975 wrote: »

horses for courses, you obviously like the free and single life, others like to get married and settle. its up to the individual.

That's completely misunderstanding the situation. People should get married because of love and commitment, not because all their friends have. :rolleyes:

axer

davyjose wrote: »

That's completely misunderstanding the situation. People should get married because of love and commitment, not because all their friends have. :rolleyes:

Then again most women are not a model for logical behaviour!

vincenzo1975

are you saying that someone who is in a 5 year long term relationship, who is seeing her sisters and freinds get married and engaged, and has to listen to their plans and talk of the future, who loves her man, is wrong to expect the next step and start to wonder why its not happening?

You seriously cant see how this might upset her?

axer

vincenzo1975 wrote: »

are you saying that someone who is in a 5 year long term relationship, who is seeing her sisters and freinds get married and engaged, and has to listen to their plans and talk of the future, who loves her man, is wrong to expect the next step and start to wonder why its not happening?

You seriously cant see how this might upset her?

1. To not discuss or tell her boyfriend: yes it is wrong
2. To expect her boyfriend to propose and not to propose herself: yes it is wrong
3. To be upset with her boyfriend for not proposing: yes it is wrong

There is nothing stopping this girl proposing herself or should she go back to the kitchen?

davyjose

vincenzo1975 wrote: »

You seriously cant see how this might upset her?

No - I seriously think it is an absolutely ludicrous way to beahve, and one which would set alarm bells ringing.
What next? Her best friend gets a Merc and suddenly she wants one? This keeping up with the Jones's crap is bad enough, but when it comes to marriage it's just disturbing.

Mazeire

axer wrote: »

1. To not discuss or tell her boyfriend: yes it is wrong
2. To expect her boyfriend to propose and not to propose herself: yes it is wrong
3. To be upset with her boyfriend for not proposing: yes it is wrong

There is nothing stopping this girl proposing herself or should she go back to the kitchen?

Firmly ignoring the kitchen comment.....:rolleyes:

If the marriage thing is such an issue for her its amazing that she didn't take the initiative herself last month when the leap year had rolled around.

Liam Byrne

I think there's a bigger issue; if this is how she deals with things, it's warning bells.

I mean, IF this is about marraige, then ye get married, THIS issue is sorted.

But how will you feel if she shuts you out over the NEXT big issue ?

Part of being in a proper, loving relationship is being able to talk.

all the stars

Mr Original poster :

Just gonna say, maybe the reason she aint saying what the problem is - might be because your dad is ill and your totally stressed... Maybe she is being considerate of your problems by not discussing hers?

Keeping quiet til everything is not quite as stressful on you before getting into anything... could that be it?

Coz i mean, when my other half has a lot on his plate, i dine alone... I dont try adding to his stress. I am completely there for him & just get on with it myself.
Maybe shes having a hard time & feels it might be unfair to get into anything? Just an idea....

qwertyphobia

Maybe it is the marriage thing or maybe it isn't. On balance it looks like it could be part of it.

But to be honest her behaviour and lack of comunication over the last while wouldn't be an encourging sign of behaviour of someone I would be wanting to spend the rest of my life with.

She has been pissed at you and sniping at you in a passive agressive way, you have asked her directly a number of times to clearly express whats wrong? She has refused to engage with you in open dialogue.

If you follow the advice of many here and pop the question you will just have reinforced the pattern she already has of acting upset and sulking and you will run around trying to solve the problem without her having to take any action or risk by saying straight out what she wants and needs.

You need to talk about what is going on for both of you (and not just one conversation) and get this as the main form of communication between the two of you before you move onto marriage

axer

Mazeire wrote: »

Firmly ignoring the kitchen comment.....:rolleyes:

My point being that if she wants equality it works both ways or does she want to live the way it was in the past where the man would propose and she would become a good housewife.

LegacyUser

I'd say mention her sister or some of her friends who are engaged casuallly in conversation, ask how their plans are going etc, and then make some funny comment about what she's going to be like planning your wedding...

You get to see from her reaction how happy she seems at the thought of marriage and she gets to see that you consider it to be in your future together. The conversation might flow on naturally from there and bring up her concerns that you are never going to want to marry her as well as your opinion that you'd rather wait until no-one else you know has recently got engaged in order to make it more about the two of you.

Even if not it might take the heat off for a while until you decide to propose. I know that this seems very old-fashioned but your girlfriend and her friends seem a traditional lot and she might see it as embarassing to have to tell people she asked you because you obviously showed no sign of asking her.

I wouldn't suggest sitting her down for a big serious conversation about it- no woman will happily admit that she's desperate for a proposal. Also, there are few ways of doing it that are less romantic. There is a danger that it would seem like you are only proposing to keep her happy, not because you chose to yourself.

Mention it lots, talk about your future together, let her know that she doesn't have to worry!

cuddly-cobra

Just an update.

For reasons I can't go into, I gave her the impression I was planning on leaving her - that's why she was being so ratty! I can't say no more, I go under a different guise on boards and would prefer annonymity in this matter! (still planning on surprising her)

Thanks to all for your advice.