Things don't quite feel right.

af_thefragile

Dunno why i'm writing this. Guess i just need to speak to someone in the middle of the night!

So i'm sitting here in the middle of the night and i don't quite feel right with the way my life is moving. I don't think i've got much to complain about here. Academically i'm in a position where many people would dream about. Neither am i too bad financially. I've got quite a descent life on the outside. But things just don't feel right. I feel i'm losing interest in college. Well, i've already lost a lot of interest in college as i don't quite like the people in there. Now i do like the college, its brilliant and i'm quite happy to be in there. Its just the people in there who just don't seem to be my type. I do have a few good friends in there though but overall i feel i'm getting sick of that place.
Then there's the musical side of my life. Herd a lot of people tell me its insane what i'm trying to do here (trying to work on being a musician while studying medicine, yes i'm studying medicine!), but my music means to me as much as medicine does. Infact lately i'm feel i'm slowly losing interest in medicine while i'm getting more inclined into working on my solo music album. Result, grades in college go down while i spend more time working on music. Now there's no way i'm gonna drop out of med school after getting where i am. Its gonna be crazy, i guess i just need to find my balance! A tough one...

Well, and what more could i say. If that was all that didn't seem right with my life. I'm here sitting most day in my room. Working on my music, working on different things, trying to get away from the reality, trying to prepare myself for the world out there. I like the solitude in the confines of my little room but it does get quite lonely in here quite often. Though i sometimes thrive on the emotions the loneliness offers. Gives me something to write about, something to feel that i can convey in my music. But sometimes it just gets too overwhelming, overpowering me. Maybe i need to stop thinking about my past. Maybe i need to finally get over my ex. Maybe i need to get me someone who can bring some light back in my life. Maybe i need to find another relationship. Maybe... if it was all that easy. If things were just as black and white, maybe if people could see beyond the skin and flesh though sometimes even i don't exactly know what lies beneath this skin it could be pretty, it could be ugly, it could be bright and dark, it could be some kind of a monster. It pretends to be strong but inside its too fragile.


Yeah, i guess thats too much of incoherent rambling for a day...erm night!
Thanks for reading over my spill.

jd83

your right you just need to find the right balance. Im not sure if med students do this but you could take a year out to work on your music. But at end the end of it your going to have to be realistic whats going to get you a career at the end of the day.

SarahSassy

You also have to realise that we cant all expect to be happy all the time. I like my job but dont like some of my colleague... I have to get on with it and make the most of it.. It would not be good for my career to keep chopping and changing and the same goes for you.

You are focussed on completing your degree, which is commendable but you seem to be willing to let the music distract you from that. Thats fine too but focus on your music when you have your degree.

Medicine is a long slog and to stay 100% focussed on the course during this long period is one of the 'tests'..... Just accept its a fact of life that you have to study and maintain your grades. Music is a passtime and you are obviously talented in this area if you are working on a solo album... Its a rut, accept it for what it is and give yourself a timescale e.g. 2 weeks to work on your music and then get back 100% to your exams...

You are not alone in this, Im sure there are many other students in your class who feel the same... Accept it for what it is - a cloud on the horizon which will pass (if you let it).

Marksie

I pretty much agree with the other posters. Its all about balance in the end.

But it is good to look and reflect on the positives and negatives that either have occurred or are occurring.

Make the changes to the ones that you feel you have too. Be it personal or career wise. But make sure you ahve thought it through and its a conscious decision rather than something happening in the now during one of those poor patches we all have

As sarah said, medicine is a hard slog and it can seem daunting to complete it. much easier to lok at teh possibilty of something you enjoy doing being the focus.
But if you thiink of teh general goal for the moment, dont lok at the endpoint, but at the separate stages you need to get to where you want to go.

I have similar misgivings about my job but have made definite plans and work towards em.

Short term struggle for long term benefits.

But in the end the choice is yours, if you ahve thought through the pros and cons of it all then your path will be clearer

af_thefragile

Thanks for the advise guys.

Its just sometimes it all feels very overwhelming. Medicine is a very intense course and lately i haven't been spending enough time on it. All the studies keep building up and the burdern of all those studies just keeps getting overpowering. Medicine is something you can't really get out of once you're in there. Like i've worked real hard over the past years to get to where i am now. And i wanna do medicine. Thinking about it there's a good possibility my whole music carrer might fail (many do) and having a med degree means i'll have a descent job for the rest of my life. And right now i seem to romanticise the whole idea of sitting there writing my heart out and composing my music for the rest of my life. But well, i don't know how well it'll actually work out. I do love my music though. Its something i always wanted to do. But so is medicine! It'll give me the security that i'm not gonna end up on the streets. Just need to find a balance between the two. Need to work out my life and figure out where the balance is.

I just don't quite feel i'm ready to take whats gonna be coming at me over the next 5 years. My life's seriously out of balance right now. I find myself overpowered with the burdern of work ahead of me and i just end up spending most of my time trying to escape form it all. Neithere am i spending enough time on my music nor studying medicine. Got about a month and half till my semester exams and i don't have a clue about anything we studied this semester in coll. I ended up failing all of last semester exams too (which i've gotta repeat again toward the end of summer). I know i'm intelligent enough to deal with the intense studies. I just can't find myself doing it. ANd i know i can't be going on like this for the rest of the course. I need to get my head straight and start concentrating more on what really matters and i know at this stage it is medicine. Medicine does come right at the top of my priority list and music follows at no. 2.

I feel quite under pressure right now. I need to pass these next exams. I know i'm much capable of doing it. I just can't find myself doing it. I guess its my lack of interest in the whole coll life thats a major contributor to this. But i know i have to do it. Initially i had a plan to spend 80% of semester time studying medicine and then i'll have the summer and other breaks for myself to work just on my music. Now as i failed my 1st semester exams, i need to study them over again over the summer. Which means i'll hafta spend atleast 50% of this summer studying medicine too! Not too good for my music project which i was supposed to have completed towards the end of summer, now i had to push back the deadline to the end of this year. Now i really can't be going on like this for long. I really hafta get my head right and end this. I need to find the balance to my life before it gets too late!