What happens now?

LegacyUser

Hey all,

I'm not really sure what I'm looking for here. Advice/opinions/personal experience would all be very much appreciated. So my boyfriend of almost nine months (but I don't believe time reflects the depth or meaning of a relationship....I feel like we've been in love so much longer) broke up with me last night. We were texting very late (1.30am) and I brought something up about how I have to really apply myself for my exams from now on so wouldn't be able to see him as much (even though we probably only average once a week as it is for various reasons) and he says well a bit of a break wouldn't be a bad idea, my head's a mess. Needless to say I called him and a convo till4.30am ensued. He'd been kind of hinting at not being a good bf at the moment to me for a couple of weeks, not meeting up etc., and saying I shouldn't have to put up with it/it's not fair etc. Now recently he has been very reclusive at home (lives with his sis) alright, and I knew he hadn't been feeling himself at all. So I wasn't nagging him at all.

He is only beginning to mourn for his father who was killed in a tragic accident last summer. He had only begun seeing his father again after pretty much an absence from his life during his teens. (He is 21....22 in two weeks.... )We started going out three weeks afterwards, I had known him since a few months before. I checked and doublechecked whether he thought it was wise to get with me, he assured me he was mad about me. Various family issues surrounding the death/will which it is not my place to disclose, but things have been getting to him more and more in recent months though he is for the most part reluctant to "burden" me with raking over it again and again. I feel useless sometimes offering advice as I've no personal experience of familial loss, let alone such a freak one with so many unanswered questions around it.

Anyway he has ended it, nothing to do with me as a person, he says he can't have a gf right now, he can't give them what is required in a relationship. I'm a bit embarrassed to say I begged and cried and when I arrived at his house today to get my stuff it was pretty much 3 hours of me lying on his bed crying and him rubbing and kissing my hair and telling me how much he cares for me,how special I am to him but that he doesn't love anything or anyone right now, he needs to sort himself out. Wow.I made someone fall out of love with me. What an achievement. I told him I want to support him and be there for him but he says for now he just needs a best friend, not a gf. It hurts so much because he has always said how amazingly supportive I've been of him and his grief. He also says I'm the best girl he has been with,he's never loved another like me,that I have "an innate kindness" and thoughtfulness within me and thus he feels awful that I'm the girl that has to suffer this hurt. But he says he wanted to save me from further hurt as things got worse (for him). There is an inquest into the death this summer and I think that's very much daunting him.

He calls me "very much the right girl for me, at the wrong time"....and I can't stop crying over that. I'm with him the least time out of all his gfs, he tells me I'm incomparable to them (that he wouldn't have been with them kissing time at the moment under the circumstances). I'm so crushed but he initially referred to all this as "a bit of a break" now it's a break up? I brought this up today and he says for an indefinite period he needs to be alone.

I said I will wait as long as it takes for him to deal with things. He said he wouldn't expect me to wait for him, it's not fair etc and not to let someone better pass me by in the meantime....but he made several comments in texts and vocally along the lines of "never say never", "it very may well be that down the line we get together again". But that because nothing bad has happened between us, he's not gonna just cut me off, which I was pretty hysterical about (that he was saying we'd be friends but I'd never hear from him again) and that he'll still talk to me about everything and txt and have a phone call now and then. Because I've been there for him so much and we talk every day. I have family problems of my own which only he would be aware of, but at the moment he says where he is,he needs to be very selfish and just focus on himself and his problems....everyone else telling them theirs is something he just can't feign empathy or sympathy in.

So I guess I'm asking what do I do? I need this man. This is the man I love like no one I have ever loved. I know that he still has very strong feelings for me because he told me so and agreed that what we had was like with no one else, special. I was getting a bit paranoid and was saying how I won't be able to cope if I find out he's off gallavanting with some girl in a few weeks...he said this is not anything that would arise because the split is solely "for him" and that he has no desire to be with anyone in any form, and I said, when you do, will you come back to me? He said that he maybe would. I said well if what we have is so great and it's the circumstances in your life right now that aren't, then you know we have to have a go again when stuff gets better. And he cried so much today, and I wiped all his tears, and I know it sounds awful, but I was so touched by that. That he actually was cut up by this, because in the txts/on phone, he didn't sound it so much. As he said later "of course you know I still care for you so deeply and have strong feelings for you.did you think my tears this morning weren't real? " I'd never seen a man cry before. I can't stop thinking about his lovely face and how much we both cried and how much hurt there is over something that's not broken.

ModeSkeletor

Sorry to be blunt but this exact thing happens every day and nearly everyone has to go through it at some point in their life. There was nothing special or different about this guy. I'm guessing from your post he was your first serious love? First time is always the toughest but you just have to forget him and move on. I know it is easier said than done, but you'll come out a stronger person for doing it - I can assure you.

Sherifu

Wait for him if you want to wait. Otherwise move on. You need to decide what you want to do next.

evar

From reading your post, although it's never easy to tell, it does sound like he still genuinely wants to be with you at some point in the future. As others have said, you need to think long and hard about if you're willing to wait for him, and if he's worth it - to be honest it sounds like he's been dragging you down.

If you want him back I'd advise that a break is a break, no contact - if he wants you back, not having you for a decent length of time should be enough to convince him of that!
Best of luck whatever happens.

Wibbs

I agree with evar, cut the cord and give him the full impact of missing you.


Again it boils down to the old saw, actions speak louder than words. He's saying how much he loves you and wants to be with you but not at the moment etc etc. Mr cynic here calls a touch of BS on that one. It does seem like an elaborate version of "it's not you it's me" and we all know how much BS that one is.

OK so he's going through a rough patch. Fair enough, but you would think he would be drawing his loved ones closer, even as a distraction. He also reckons "he can't have a gf right now, he can't give them what is required in a relationship". Unless you're one of these intensely needy types, that require full time attention how hard would it be to sustain seeing you once a week?

Now all he says may be true, at least he may believe it to be, but don't put your own life on hold for the guy or indeed any. Move forward without him and if he actually loves you he'll go with you.

Marksie

I have read the whole post there and in guaging his reactions then there is a *touch* of cynicsim in somethings I read.
However, pratctically speaking all you can do is take this at face value and accept what he has said.
Overanalysing it will get your head into a real mess at a time when you have to focus on your exams. Unfortunate timing on that as well.

So the bottom line, all analysis of the post put to one side, is cut contact.

Disregard the comments on down the line and coming back when the time is rght.
If you look at those you will not move on.
Focus on yourself on what needs to be done NOW on getting your life back in order.

But i reiterate again: No contact

SarahSassy

Brokenhearted wrote: »

He said he wouldn't expect me to wait for him, it's not fair etc and not to let someone better pass me by in the meantime....but he made several comments in texts and vocally along the lines of "never say never", "it very may well be that down the line we get together again". But that because nothing bad has happened between us, he's not gonna just cut me off, which I was pretty hysterical about (that he was saying we'd be friends but I'd never hear from him again) and that he'll still talk to me about everything and txt and have a phone call now and then.

TBH, he is trying to soften the blow for you... He is still finishing with you and telling you not to wait for him.... Im sure his head is a mess but he is not committing to be with you in the future he is committing not to be with you now... You are over analysing every word he is saying when in reality he is probably saying what he thinks you want to hear to a certain extent....

I would not be available to him to listen to his problems going forward, it will only slow your own healing process. As Marksie said, cut all contact, work on getting yourself over this and if he comes begging in a few months you will have to see how you feel then....

If his way of dealing with problems is to run then maybe he is not the best person to be with when YOUR chips are down...

vincenzo1975

It sounds to me like this guy is very low at the moment and his self esteem is on the floor. He is trying to deal with Loss, not only the death, but also the implications of his father earlier walking out on him. He is trying to figure out the blame and how he played a part in it all.

I think you should respect his request for space, but also be aware to be very supportive of him. I think that he may be saying to leave him, but he really may just want some space. I think he is feeling a bit of self loathing.

I think your message should be that you will stick by him no matter what, either as his GF or just as a friend for the time being. Tell him you value him as a person, his opinion, his feeling, everything. Assure him that you will be there for him no matter what. Tell him you will need him during your exams, to help steady you. tell him he gives you confidence. Tell him that if you can come out of this together and relying/trusting each other, nothing will ever be able to come between you. this is your test.

If you think he is the one, then it is worth giving it all. Be careful of his sisters influence, they have a really strong bond and he may be all she has and she may be feeling a bit of jealosy if you are taking him from her. Hope it works out.

seraphimvc

IMO,OP,if he is truly mean what he said,i know what type of person he is.

he is young in pursuing his success(study?),he feels like he needs to grow more!

is there any man out there would say no to a woman in your situation?you can answer that yourself.

sound like he is a mature and determined guy,which is good!he wants to present the best of him to a girl he loves but at the moment he cant make that happens.

it is like a movie now i say:Deither you really like him and wait for him or just move on.while i suggest you should make it natural,dont focus yourself on this ,live your life.improve more of yourself at the mean time,focus on your study/career ,contact him while you feel like but not frequently(this is important,you need to lighten his place in your heart,just try focus on other stuffs make yourself busy) ,meeting new friends ,just live happy normal days.you love him but he needs time ,would you do that for him?if he is a determined guy,he will definitely come back for you when he is done!

if things turn out you two to be friends forever in the end,what do you lose?you got your good result/great job ,probably knowing some new guys in the process;)

good luck!enjoy the ride!:)

p/s:for some men,it is doesnt matter how supportive of people surround him or whatever like that,they wants something and the thing can only be get it by their own hands

LegacyUser

Thanks for the responses. Some of them are hard to stomach but I still appreciate them. Much as it may seem I am in denial, I truly am not, and I believe wholeheartedly what he has said to me although a few of you have said it's BS.

vincenzo1975 wrote: »

It sounds to me like this guy is very low at the moment and his self esteem is on the floor. He is trying to deal with Loss, not only the death, but also the implications of his father earlier walking out on him. He is trying to figure out the blame and how he played a part in it all.

I think you should respect his request for space, but also be aware to be very supportive of him. I think that he may be saying to leave him, but he really may just want some space. I think he is feeling a bit of self loathing.

I think your message should be that you will stick by him no matter what, either as his GF or just as a friend for the time being. Tell him you value him as a person, his opinion, his feeling, everything. Assure him that you will be there for him no matter what. Tell him you will need him during your exams, to help steady you. tell him he gives you confidence. Tell him that if you can come out of this together and relying/trusting each other, nothing will ever be able to come between you. this is your test.

If you think he is the one, then it is worth giving it all. Be careful of his sisters influence, they have a really strong bond and he may be all she has and she may be feeling a bit of jealosy if you are taking him from her. Hope it works out.

Thank you very much. I cannot cut contact with this person because they are in a very bad place, and I am not the kind of person to leave someone I cherish so much hanging in their hour of need. And there is no bad blood between us. I need his support too, as you pointed out. I'm on an emotional rollercoaster at the minute, ranging from crying one minute to being quite angry (?!) the next. Still haven't managed to eat but I did manage to sleep last night after 40 hours or so having not done so. Still feel crap though.

Victor

Brokenhearted wrote: »

I'm on an emotional rollercoaster at the minute, ranging from crying one minute to being quite angry (?!) the next.

Anger and sadness are quite close together on the scale of emotions.

LegacyUser

Victor wrote: »

Anger and sadness are quite close together on the scale of emotions.

Thanks. I thought I was becoming psychotic.

LegacyUser

Hi There,

I read your post with interest, because last November I found myself in a very similar situation. My boyfriend at the time was under some personal stress and trying to sort stuff out in his head, and instead of letting me be a support to him (which I was, and we got on great and had so much fun and chemistry - he had his faults but I was crazy about him), things ended horribly suddenly. I won't go into the details, but the break up (things he said etc) sounds so similar to your story.

So I just thought I'd tell you where things are at now - He's not living in Ireland any more (he's not from here), and I don't know if he's sorted out all of the things he needed to. He kept in touch a little after we broke up (texts saying he missed me etc), but we haven't been in contact properly since Xmas. I was completely gutted and thought I'd never get over him, and although I still don't fully understand what happened, forgive the cliche, but time heals all ills... And I can't fix him, nor can you fix your boyfriend. He has to make decisions for himself and his situation, and if he's decided that he needs to be single to do that,there's not a lot you can do about that...

I don't know if you're going to work things out or not, so I don't know if this is any help at all, but just wanted to say I've been there. It's as confusing as hell. You couldn't have done anything any differently, or changed what happened. He acted how he saw fit, irrespective of how fair it seems when you're on the receiving end. I was down about this for ages, but the return of feeling 'normal' is nice

hope you're okay and so is he...

Liam Byrne

Brokenhearted wrote: »

Much as it may seem I am in denial, I truly am not, and I believe wholeheartedly what he has said to me although a few of you have said it's BS. ....... I cannot cut contact with this person because they are in a very bad place, and I am not the kind of person to leave someone I cherish so much hanging in their hour of need.

Been there (I think - see above posts re a certain level of cyncism) but take it from me that you'll be doing yourself no favours by trying to hang in there. You can only be there for someone who wants you to, and who (on some level) can appreciate that, even though they might not show it......we all need someone to be able to show it every so often, though....

There was someone I would've loved to be there for but it would've driven us both nuts....like you, I didn't want to "abandon" her but I didn't want to go on guessing/hoping/wondering/hitting brick walls either; while it was a relatively short "relationship" it was one of the toughest and messiest breakups I've ever gone through......you can't hate someone for what they did because "it was circumstances", you know it was probably for the best, but you can't be friends with them either because the "what if" is hanging there and you don't want to see them "making it work" with someone else [where did those "circumstances" go ??], but you still care enough that you want them to be happy.....

At least in your case he suggested a "break", rather than just going cold and leaving you completely guessing.

Best of luck, but remember that you can't save the world......

Wibbs

Liam Byrne wrote: »

Best of luck, but remember that you can't save the world......

Right on the money. All you can ever hope to do is save yourself. By doing so you increase the chances of saving someone else.

LegacyUser

Hi all
Well yesterday was an awful day. I cringe thinking about it. After waking up after finally getting some sleep, I read his big, long goodnight message to me he had sent while I slept. Thanking me for being so mature and kind etc. for giving him this time he needs whilst remaining in his life as a very close friend for the forseeable future, saying how special and important I am to him and how it is important I am in his life. I don't know what happened but I think I just flipped, sent him a stream of texts which I'm sure made him eat those words up! God! I was just pretty mad at him for some reason. The texts weren't mean or bad, they probably sounded really pathetic and needy. When he eventually texts back late last night, I apologise for the stress/shock induced actions and assure him it won't happen again and we texted for a bit. One thing he said really pissed me off theo "I haven't hurt you THAT badly". I felt like saying, excuse me, you have no idea how I feel you insensitive bastard! But I bit my tongue. He says we should both feel like we can txt each other anytime, but not feel under duress to reply immediately. Anyway, have resisted all urges to contact him today.Am considering trying out letting him being the one to contact me, and I will respond and support him when he does. I'm hoping that (minus the major blip yesterday) giving him the space he wants so much, by the bucketload, he will get a bit of a shock to the system and realise that, yeah, actually, she's a bloody good support system. Sorry just need to vent.

How Strange

Wibbs wrote: »

Right on the money. All you can ever hope to do is save yourself. By doing so you increase the chances of saving someone else.

+1

The world is full of girls saying 'but I can't cut contact with him because he really needs me right now' and although you don't want to hear this; keeping in contact is the WORST thing you can do. Save yourself the next 6 months of emotional highs and lows - he'll want to meet up as friends, he'll give you the impression that you'll get back together and then those hopes will be dashed; cue emotional torment and crying to friends over and over again.

It's a well worn story and I think most of us have been on the losing side of it once or twice.

Liam Byrne

Yup, and for the record it's not just girls either.....

corcaigh07

How Strange wrote: »

+1

The world is full of girls saying 'but I can't cut contact with him because he really needs me right now' and although you don't want to hear this; keeping in contact is the WORST thing you can do. Save yourself the next 6 months of emotional highs and lows - he'll want to meet up as friends, he'll give you the impression that you'll get back together and then those hopes will be dashed; cue emotional torment and crying to friends over and over again.

It's a well worn story and I think most of us have been on the losing side of it once or twice.

bingo, he told you to stay so do just that this time. i believe he is still crazy about you but his head is going in different directions. i presume this is the first time he's had to deal with grief....

let your life continue and he'll be back if he cares(and your posts sound intensely genuine BTW) and if its his elaborate way of ridding you, he won't. dont stall your life on this.

colly10

SarahSassy wrote: »

TBH, he is trying to soften the blow for you... He is still finishing with you and telling you not to wait for him.... Im sure his head is a mess but he is not committing to be with you in the future he is committing not to be with you now... You are over analysing every word he is saying when in reality he is probably saying what he thinks you want to hear to a certain extent....

+1 - Have done this before to an extent and had it done to me. His tears don't actually mean anything, I have cried breaking up with someone before because I hated the thoughts of hurting her because she was a nice girl.
There is nothing he has said or done there that doesn't get done in many breakups. The whole "it's not fair on you", "your the nicest guy i've ever met.." etc.. and breaking up due to circumstance i've heard and at this stage I would take it with a fistfull of salt.
Just because you have never fought or you can't see any reason for the breakup does not mean it's working for him despite what he says.

You have done nothing wrong btw and im sure your a really nice girl, sorry to hear this has happened to you, this is the hardest kind of breakup to deal with but if you do manage to get back with I can't see it lasting more than a month or 2. He is being really nice to you because he can't handle seeing you hurt (putting it down to circumstance) but id say he is being fully truthfull in saying how he thinks your nice.

I know it's not what you would like to hear but your best bet is to try forget about this asap, even if he was being fully truthfull contacting him will not help your case

Tragedy

When I was in your situation, if I had have asked for advice and been given the(extremely good) advice above.... I wouldnt have taken it.I wouldnt have done anything differently, I had to experience it for myself to learn the lesson.

I'm pretty sure it'll be the same for you, it's too intimate, important, personal to ever take a strangers advice.

I hope everyone in this thread is wrong about him and your relationship, I sincerely do.

Mazeire

OP please dont feel bad about the texts that you sent him. He has to see that regardless of what is happening for him, the world doesn't stop and become all about his feelings and it also doesn't give him the right to make others feel like crap either. Your feelings about this are important too and deserve to be acknowledged.
I would agree withthe letting you down softly view. I would imagine as well that that is what he meant by "I haven't hurt you that badly", as, in his mind, he had devised a speech and scenario designed to soften the blow as much as possible, and can't understand why it hasn't worked.
Any way. He has said he wants time out on his own to sort his head out. Give him that and concentrate on yourself as it sounds like everything has been all about him for a while. I think that what you are saying about not wanting to leave a friend on their own in a crisis is very noble and shows what a lovely person you are, but, and sorry to sound harsh, he obviously feels he doesn't need you around to see him through this as he knew full well that by dumping you, he was running the risk of alienating you at least on the short term and therefore not having your support. I would say that he thought it over and decided he did not need that support. So leave him to it. Before you go down the friends route with him, imagine the following situation. He has a new girlfriend. Can you see yourself sitting down with the two of them and having a laugh and a pint and not feeling like crap afterwards? No? Then you are not ready to be friends with him.
I hope that things are better today op. Take it one day at a time and you know where we are.

LegacyUser

Hey everyone
I know you all think I'm nuts...but I don't think he is a bull****ter or using this as an elaborate excuse to let me down gently....he's had other girlfriends and believe me if it was the case he'd have sent his friends over with my stuff and cut me out of his life completely. I have to go with what Tragedy on this one...I know him and I know the situation best. Last night we talked again and I was quite curt and to the point when I said during the txt convo "If you have no intention of ever being with me again as you promised (he has promised once he is ready to date again I will get the call) then you need to be uprfront and tell me now". Because I had taken what you all had said onboard and I need to know the truth. He said that he doesn't know what will happen, there are no plans. So you lied to me I said, "am i not, as you said, very much the right girl, wrong time....so when the time is right there is nothing stopping you". He said yeah, I will get a call when the time is right. So I've just got to see this through I'm afraid. He is a very honest person though and he keeps his word. Don't worry though, if he backtracks at any stage on this, he will be left as to no illusions what he has done. I have to do this, for my own sanity.

Mazeire

What Tragedy actually has said OP is that she thought like you are thinking waited around and gotten kicked in the teeth as a result. You are bending that post to mean what you want it to mean. Look, it is your choice at the end of the day, but I really cannot see why you would not want to spare yourself the grief and wasted effort (as Tragedy wished she had done).

From what you have said above, given his treatment of his previous girlfriends, he does have it in him to be quite the callous bastard.

Tragedy

Actually what I said was "It's too personal/intimate to accept anyone elses advice on it, no matter how much you may later wish you may have done"

How Strange

OP, I'm 99.99% sure that you are going to ignore all the good, sound advice you've been given here and you'll hang around waiting for him to give you the nod and tell you you're top of his gf list again.

I can't fault you on it because I've done it myself. But holy jebus did I feel like sh1t before, during and after the waiting around/being messed around/letting myself be messed around bit.

One thing I know for sure that there is nothing guaranteed to make a man regret his actions more than a strong woman who gets on with her life, goes out with her mates and generally moves on.

Wait on him, hang around and give up 6 months or a year of your life waiting for him to decide if you are 'the right girl at the wrong time'. To me that smacks of 'it's not you, it's me'. It's a 'I don't want you as a gf but I want you to think I might so my ego will feel better until I find the right girl at the right time.'

The chances of probability are that you won't get back together. You may have an odd sh@g here and there or an attempt at getting back together after a drunken meet up but it probably won't work. I don't know why but if you were meant to be together then you would be. If you really were the right girl he wouldn't let you out of his sight for fear that someone else would get you.

We wimmins can be our own worst enemy sometimes. We think we can fix them and put them back together. It doesn't work like that.

I'd say save a link to this thread and the first time he wrecks your head with drunken promises of reconciliation that are broken soon after in the cold day of sobriety then read the thread again as it may make more sense at that stage. We aren't psychic; it's just the same old love trauma happening over and over again.

Mazeire

Tragedy wrote: »

Actually what I said was "It's too personal/intimate to accept anyone elses advice on it, no matter how much you may later wish you may have done"

Do you wish you had though?

LegacyUser

Let me be clear. I'm not going to put my life on hold (though at the moment it is as I'm still at the wallowing stage, which I'm entitled to be). I am going to focus on my academic work, exams, friends, music, and other things I need to do. But I do not believe in giving up on something I believe in. When it happens, it will happen. However as it is he is just all over the place. I will keep in contact, albeit I will try and keep it to a minimum and have him initiate it, but I don't see why anyone would cut contact when I haven't done anything wrong and I will be here whenever he needs to chat about anything. Having a good bit of distance and space from me may wake him up to the irony of dumping someone who has supported and loved him at a time when he really needs them.

LegacyUser

Mazeire wrote: »

From what you have said above, given his treatment of his previous girlfriends, he does have it in him to be quite the callous bastard.

Those were very acrimonious splits. In one instance the girl had been cheating on him for several months with an ex, then when they split she contracted verbal diarrhoea and said some horrendous things about his family.

Also to How Strange....I'm not that much of a desperate slut thanks! Sheesh! I rarely drink and he is the first guy I slept with so to say I am a reserved person who would never have a drunken "shag" with anyone, let alone the man I love in false hope that it was a getting back together "shag".....is just silly. As it's not in my character.

JackieO

OP - I hate to say it but it sounds like he's letting you down gently. That and he's trying to make himself feel better. You're obviously a great girl and he still has a lot of time for you.

But he is not ready to be in this relationship right now and regardless of what issues he has in his personal life, he should want you there no matter what if he felt that you were the one.

I have been on both sides of this scenario and thats just my opinion. If you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them, you want them around all the time - especially during the difficult times in your life.

My advice is as above - cut all contact. At least walk out of the relationship with your dignity. There is nothing less attractive that one party clinging onto a relationship when the other person is trying to get out.

And again, time is a wonderful healer.

Mazeire

Brokenhearted wrote: »

Let me be clear. I'm not going to put my life on hold (though at the moment it is as I'm still at the wallowing stage, which I'm entitled to be). I am going to focus on my academic work, exams, friends, music, and other things I need to do. But I do not believe in giving up on something I believe in. When it happens, it will happen. However as it is he is just all over the place. I will keep in contact, albeit I will try and keep it to a minimum and have him initiate it, but I don't see why anyone would cut contact when I haven't done anything wrong and I will be here whenever he needs to chat about anything. Having a good bit of distance and space from me may wake him up to the irony of dumping someone who has supported and loved him at a time when he really needs them.

In most long term relationships, there will be a period of time where one half will see the other through a crisis. However these relationships still end as no matter how intense that experience may be, it is not enough to sustain a romantic relationship. He does know that you are wonderful, and that is why he has finished things with you with a bit more grace than with previous girlfriends.
You seem to be under the impression that you will get back together, that its just a matter of time and that you are playing a waiting game until he cops on. What if you don't? Waht if this is it?

LegacyUser

Mazeire wrote: »

In most long term relationships, there will be a period of time where one half will see the other through a crisis. However these relationships still end as no matter how intense that experience may be, it is not enough to sustain a romantic relationship. He does know that you are wonderful, and that is why he has finished things with you with a bit more grace than with previous girlfriends.You seem to be under the impression that you will get back together, that its just a matter of time and that you are playing a waiting game until he cops on. What if you don't? Waht if this is it?

Hi Mazeire...
I was just thinking about these things to myself walking home from the chemist. What is really bothering me at the moment is this : the fact that he wants to have his cake and eat it. He dumps me, yet he wants to keep me as his best friend. This is the exact same as being with me except without the physical intimacy, but the emotional intimacy is still there. Fine. But this is not fair if the fact is he is pulling the wool over my eyes and is done with me as a gf forever. The rage was mounting! If it is how you are saying, then I would not be able to forgive him. Well I would I suppose, but not for a long time and I would be very angry and hurt. I very much feel like telling him that I need to see him in person to discuss this. I need to know, either way.

Mazeire

Speaking from personal experience, I have been in your situation, had pretty much the same things said to me as you have had, been confused as hell, demanded an explanation , got told the exact same stuff as I had been before, reassured, and then he starts going out with someone else a month later.
He's not a monster. He does care for you and will try to avoid hurting you and also he obviously cant deal with the emotional mess that comes with breaking up with someone (as evidenced by the fact that he pretty much got his friends to do his dirty work with his last girlfriends) so he will say anything to make the mess go away, ignoring that he is messing with your head even more. In short, you will probably not hear anything different if you go around to him today.
I think that what you are suggesting about focusing on friends music etc is really good provided you do these things with a view of building a new life for you and not to pass time while waiting for him.
I mean if you choose to wait its up to you, but it just seems a shame to deny your self a lot of stuff based on maybe's from someone else. The worse thing about it if it does blow up in your face it to look back at that wasted time and to realise no one forced you to do that, you decided it yourself.

Mighty_Mouse

Fair play to ya OP.
You've got belief, passion (context), determination, sheer-bloody-mindness.......................which unfortunately are completely the wrong skills for building a relationship.

You "NEED", "MUST HAVE", "CANT LIVE WITHOUT"..........etc etc etc but your ex bf doesnt.

This reminds me of a rodeo.
Your bf is the buckin horse but you sure can hang-on gal!!

From the bits I've read your bf sounds genuine
i.e. he thinks you're great, sound, attractive etc etc
He might not even know it himself but if the "click" was there he wouldnt be backing away from you.

No matter how long you wait or how hard you try I can almost predict that at some stage he'll meet a girl who things just "click" with & you'll very quickly drop from the top of the "Possible GF's" List.

Realtionships end.
Its serously rough & tough.
Best try & keep yer dignity here and stop compltely suffocating this guy.

My 2 c's


ps
you should be looking for something that works more naturally also

LemonyFresh

Hi OP,

Your post really struck a chord with me, and even though I (sadly) don't have much advice to give, I just wanted to tell you that I really feel for you. It sounds like your guy is going through some difficult things, and he needs to sort himself out. I think the best thing you can do is be there for him with support and love (not romantic love right now - just love for him as a person and for what he's going through). It sounds like there is a lot of love and affection between you two and that it's possible things will work out. Just don't give up on him, on you, or on the two of you someday... I honestly don't think your situation is one that calls for that.

I know a lot of people on this board think that a breakup is final and that those of us who don't believe that are delusional... but I believe there are a lot of reasons two people break up and not all of them are final.

I have had a similar experience, and though the specifics are not exactly the same as yours, the parallels are there. I am back with him now. My boyfriend didn't stop loving me. He didn't stop caring about me. Like yours, he was going through some dramatic life changes, and I think he needed the time and space to figure them out. We were both incredibly supportive of each other even when we were not together as bf and gf. We respected and loved each other. And I believed, like you, that our relationship wasn't over. Because the reasons for our break-up weren't cheating or disliking each other or irreversible incompatibility. It was timing. And the great thing about timing is that it changes and evolves.

So my advice is to take this time and find yourself. Become someone who can be with or without him EVEN though you want to be with him. It won't hurt your chance for a future with him; if anything, it will help it. And just love him and support him. Be there for him when he needs it.

That's all you can do.