Does a break mean its over?

LegacyUser

Hello, I have read boards for awhile but I've never posted here before so be kind :-)

I am going out with my girlfriend for 4 years and we have lived together for 2 of those years. I’m 34 and she is 29. Recently my girlfriend has got herself into debt and even though I said I would help her I noticed that she was being really tight with money which is understandable given the circumstances. Anyway few weekends ago she came back from a 3 day work trip to Scotland and seemed really distant, then a few days later she seemed really down so I asked her if she was okay and to my horror she broke down and said that she wanted to have a break from our relationship.

We talked and I agreed to move to my friends house for awhile to give her some space. The thing is, the next morning when she was asleep I checked her phone (I never did this before but I was so sick with grief I just needed to look) and I saw 2 text messages from the same number, 1 saying 'Thanks for lunch, I love you' and another saying 'Good morning sexy'. I nearly puked! Anyway, I confronted her and she said that it was from a guy in work and he acts like that with all of the girls and I have absolutely nothing to worry. I said okay but I really didn't buy it because it would be way to much of a coincidence.

Fast forward two weeks and she has texted or called me everyday (I never text/call her first, I always make sure she makes the first move) and we have met up a few times for dinner and drinks but she never says anything about our relationship, just things like 'how are you doing' etc. I asked her about the texts again but she swore it was nothing and said that if we really love each other we will come full circle and get back together.

I am so confused, I gave her space in the relationship and we seemed to be getting on fine plus she seems to really like me still but those texts that I saw are really eating me up inside when ever I think about them. Is there any hope left or am I just fooling myself?

St Bill

She doesn't know what she wants. She shouldn't be contacting you if you're supposed to be on a break. Have it out with her, after four years you deserve nothing but honesty

SarahSassy

I dont think she is being entirely honest with you about the texts.... Its very possible she had a fling with this guy while in Scotland..... That aside, you are 'on a break' so take it!!! There is no point meeting up with her and allowing her to keep you dangling....

There is a good chance she is deciding between you and this other guy and just waiting to see how things pan out with him... Sorry for the harsh words but.....

I would make myself totally unavailable to her, let her make her decision and in the meantime you make your decision - do you want her after all this messing?????

Overheal

I think you're fooling yourself, to be honest. And for your own benefit you need to get away from the situation. Remember that feeling you got when you first read the text messages? If you stick around, more of that will follow. I promise.

davyjose

Overheal wrote: »

Remember that feeling you got when you first read the text messages? If you stick around, more of that will follow. I promise.

I'm afraid I would have to entirely agree with this, and also what SarahSassy said - you're being chosen between. Ignore her and let her feel what it's like to be without you. Then maybe she'll realise she needs you.

I really feel for you mate.

Fanny Cradock

Overheal wrote: »

If you stick around, more of that will follow. I promise.

You can't possibly know that.

axer

OP, a break means a break. Make it a break and possibly think about the relationship being over. Its tough but it is all too suspicious.

3 day work trip (time with other guy) and feeling down on herself (guilt) and wanting a break (guilt and possibly gonna try see how it goes with the other guy first but have you on a string - just in case).

The again she could be down about her debts and doesn't want to bring you down with her.

Only you can decide which is more likely but whatever you do make a break a break - no more texting or calling each other or meeting up.

Overheal

Fanny Cradock wrote: »

You can't possibly know that.

Technically, no, of course not. But you know its is bound to happen. If not sooner, then later. I've been there to say the least.

unreggd

axer wrote: »

3 day work trip (time with other guy) and feeling down on herself (guilt) and wanting a break (guilt and possibly gonna try see how it goes with the other guy first but have you on a string - just in case)

+1

Not to be blunt but a break is usually an excuse to cheat, but its not actual cheatin, cos yer on a break!

LegacyUser

Thanks for all your replies, I really appreciate your input because to be honest I don't really have anybody I can talk to about this.

This whole situation has me thorn to absolute shreds. I have been in a couple of long term relationships but they never ended acrimoniously and I remained friends with my ex's to this day, but I’m 35 in September and I finally thought I had found the girl that I could spend my life with. If I was to be completely honest, I am probably in denial about it being another man, it is totally out of character for her and if it is true then it is a really hard and bitter pill to swallow and I don’t really want to face that fact because it would knock me for six and I don’t know how long it would take me to recover from a shock like that.

I have tried to look at it from different perspectives because I have gotten texts from work colleges or female friends in the past saying something like 'Thanks for the help babe, love you' but they were purely platonic. But something tells me this has more then just friendly flirty banter and I am really curious to get to the bottom of it. From the outside looking in it must look like a total no brainer that she has been cheating on me and I must look like a real sucker to people reading this.

At this moment in time though, and even with a couple of weeks to reflect, I am probably still in shock and I really cannot really think logically or clearly at the moment. Part of me wants to cut contact with her and see what happens and another half wants me to be really blunt and get to the bottom of this whole mess. I’m lost right now.

Wagon

If you two are on a break then there'd be no contact. It's the only way someone can truly get perspective on a relationship really. What she appears to be doing with you now is meeting up with you for emotional support when she needs it (what with all her problems in debt etc...) and isn't giving a damn as to how you feel. Call her and tell her you're not happy the way you're being used and you should both stay out of contact properly for a while. If this is meant to work out between you two it will, and she owes you an apology for this. But the way your being treated is just not on.

I really feel for you man, but try and keep your chin up as hard as it may seem. Good luck.

The Sweeper

Ring her up.

Tell her "I think you are lying to me about the text messages. I think you have been seeing someone else. I think excusing it as being 'just a guy in work who speaks to everyone like that' is ridiculous. I think you wanted this break because you're guilty about cheating on me and you're not sure what you want. I think you won't tell me the truth because you're worried about hurting me. I think you are keeping me dangling because you think that's less painful for me than just dumping me. I think you need to come to terms with what you've done, why you've done it and take responsibility for your actions. And I think I need a break, so I don't want to hear from you again for at least a month."

Abi

I think you need to ask yourself a few questions before you know what should be done.

confused guy wrote: »

Anyway few weekends ago she came back from a 3 day work trip to Scotland

Is this normal behaviour for her? does her job usually mean she has to be away?

confused guy wrote: »

and seemed really distant, then a few days later she seemed really down so I asked her if she was okay and to my horror she broke down and said that she wanted to have a break from our relationship.

You are in this relationship a few years now, 2 of them living together. This would have been a sort of honeymoon period, and maybe things are getting a little stale? That is not to say it means you should finish, but it means a little effort on both sides to keep it fresh. For all you know she could be talking this through with a friend, or this texter, who is possibly talking her out of your relationship.

confused guy wrote: »

I saw 2 text messages from the same number, 1 saying 'Thanks for lunch, I love you' and another saying 'Good morning sexy'.

I have to say, I would be gutted if I saw those. But you have to be calm about this. I have gotten texts like that from a guy in the past. I am in a relationship and have been for quite some time, and never hid the fact from my work friend, but he was always inappropriately affectionate. During a difficult patch, I made the mistake of confiding in him a little. And what do you think his advice was?

confused guy wrote: »

I never text/call her first, I always make sure she makes the first move

I understand why you are doing that, but it might not be the best thing if you would like to get back together. Think about it. The other guy is plying her with complimentary texts, and you are not talking to her, unless pressed to do so.

confused guy wrote: »

but she never says anything about our relationship, just things like 'how are you doing' etc.

Be careful, you are starting to become the friend.

confused guy wrote: »

I asked her about the texts again but she swore it was nothing and said that if we really love each other we will come full circle and get back together.

Hold her to that, that is if you still want to. If you want her back you are going to have to take her word for it. For one, you can't prove otherwise, and two, its going to keep rearing its ugly head in future disagreements.

confused guy wrote: »

Is there any hope left or am I just fooling myself?

That depends again on whether you are willing to put the work in. Shes clearly being beckoned away. It isn't a time to hold back words or emotions imo. I'd send her a text right now telling her that you miss and love her, and would love to meet up. And when you do, hold her hands, look her in the eye and tell her you want to be together. Connect with her. If you don't then there is always someone else that will try.

Wibbs

I agree with the others the texts and her explanations don't sit right. Her calling for a "break" and you moving out just add to that. You say she is under money stresses. Normally as part of a couple she would be looking for more connection not less as part of a loving couple. By the by, when you said you would offer to help did you make it clear that you would in a practical sense or did she think it was all talk? I feel a part of the puzzle is missing here. Has the sex taken a back seat recently? Another indication that trouble is afoot.

OK now regardless of what or what hasn't happened with someone else, I would say she has at least started to look at other men and more to the point started to look at you differently. She has looked to a future with you and decided that may not happen. She'll drop the sex, because subconsciously she won't want risk having kids with you as that would tie her to you. She'll describe it as losing the "spark" or not being "in" love with you. In other words same old same old. I would also say this is not that recent and looking at you differently happened before she looked elsewhere. Something triggered that. You may know if you really think back.

So you're "on a break". Lovely. What's happening here is real simple. Think of her like a monkey swinging from tree to tree(wibbs analogy alert). She's been swinging from your branch for 4 years(ooh er missus). She figured it could take her weight and she liked being there. At some point she looked up and reckoned the branch was weakening and she started to look out at the rest of the forest. A couple or one started to look promising. Now she won't let go of one branch until she can see and grab another. What she's doing now is that she's probably grabbed another branch(him), but she's not sure it'll take her weight so she's hanging onto the previous branch(you) just in case. If the new branch will take her weight she'll let go of the old and it's sayonara to you. In the majority of cases the new "branch" is a temporary support(a rebound) and means to move on through the trees. This swinging between two is not unheard of in men, but far more common in women. Plus in her late 20's she probably won't relish the thought of the single scene, especially if she's been living with someone for 2 years(then again she may be up for some oat sowing, but in this case I don't think so).

Basically your "love" is waning. The honeymoon period is over and reality and the future is hoving into view. For whatever reason she has decided that this may not be a good plan with you so the transition to the future is on probably permanent hold. She decided this before you knew anything about it though the signs are always there in hindsight. It looks like she's seen another option but the safety of you while not enough to sustain a relationship is still appealing. Obviously her love and affection for you as a person is there as a reason too. Because she doesn't want to hurt you, mainly because it'll guilt her up, she's being vague, swinging from you and him and hedging her bets. This line of hers is a dead giveaway; "if we really love each other we will come full circle and get back together". This is said not just for your benefit but mainly for hers. It's giving her an excuse. It's her saying she'll leave it in the lap of the gods. It'll give her a get out clause with you and it will allow her to justify any of her actions with another bloke, as the "love" wasn't enough and most importantly it won't be her fault.

Do not be her support. The more you do so the more she'll think you a wuss. Basically because you'll be acting like one.

I agree with MAJD's take on it. She has nailed all the main points, but personally I wouldn't give your ex too much of an explanation. She knows you love her, she knows you would want to work on this, she also knows you suspect her, she knows you reckon something is amiss in the relationship so why get into a discussion about it? You're the one that requires answers, not her and I would do and say this face to face. Tell her that if this is a break, then lets break up and say to her, that if the love is strong enough then maybe you'll reconnect in the future. Take her excuses away. Then walk away.

Back this up with actions. Immediately sort out the living arrangements. Do not give her financial support or emotional support. She's an adult not a child, so treat her accordingly. If she needs help let the new guy do it. Don't ease him into her life with your help. Put it another way, if a company sacked you for no good reason, out of the blue, would you train someone new into your job for no pay? Nope you wouldn't. This will be hard and some will tell you that it's cruel to do that to someone you love. I say love yourself more and respect your own boundaries. She lost the privilege of your support the second she called for a break in circumstances like these.

Wibbs

Abigayle wrote: »

That depends again on whether you are willing to put the work in. Shes clearly being beckoned away. It isn't a time to hold back words or emotions imo. I'd send her a text right now telling her that you miss and love her, and would love to meet up. And when you do, hold her hands, look her in the eye and tell her you want to be together. Connect with her. If you don't then there is always someone else that will try.

I see what you mean but I would say IMHO this usually backfires. Why? Because she already knows how he feels, I would put money that in the last weeks of the break he has told her this. If he hasn't then she's better off frankly. So she already knows how he feels, but deep deep down she doesn't care how he feels about her, it's how she feels about him, that will get her coming back. If he starts the lovey dovey stuff at this stage as she's walking away she'll smell it for what it is, desperation and her respect will go down for him. Plus even if she believes him about all the things that would change if they got back together she will naturally wonder why this didn't happen before and her respect will go down for him again.


She's caught between him who is comfortable and well known and something new. Grand he's a known quantity to her, but he's also well known enough that something about him or the relationship makes her wary of continuing. Him appealing to her comfort zone will only push him further into the friendzone. New guy is just that, new. That's his biggest appeal. She may say she has the special "spark" for him but that's rubbish as she doesn't know him enough. She's got the emotions hepped up and her groin is following. Standard stuff. The OP is competing with that and loving tenderness while appealing enough is not really going to cut it. What may get her back is refusing to go along with her control of this. She will respect him more as a man and that may reignite something if the new guy is anyway weak. Plus the less he's around the more the new fella will have to take up the emotional shortfall of a long termer. As he doesn't know her, he won't have the "training" with her. Cue the OP, but only on his terms.

littlefriend

I don't mean to hurt you or anything like that but the platonic friend from work excuse is almost definitely bullsh*t. There is no way a guy would text a girl who is in a long term relationship saying what he said. Another thing - don't mean to sound like a psycho here but - if they are great friends in work why doesn't she have his name/number in her phone book?? Given the circumstances, a random number is appearing in her messages without him having to sign it is more than suspicious. This is NOT the same as your example of thanks for your help, love you.

Also, if she is being so tight w/money with you why is she paying for this guys lunch?

Tell her you don't believe her - its true, you don't and you never will. Unfortunately, you need to stop all contact with her for the moment.

She's getting the easy deal here - she wants the break but you've had to move out.

She will most likely come back to you. Don't allow yourself to be her doormat while she makes up her mind. The reality is that if she has cheated on you, it is YOU that has to decide if you want the relationship to continue. Could you take her back?

Be strong and true to yourself. I know this all hurts so badly but taking the first step of standing up for yourself and demanding the respect you and your relationship deserve makes the pain a bit more bearable. I promise.

Read this http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2055260227.
It might help you feel like you can get through this.
best wishes

John Mason

In the words of a book which was bought for me after a similar break up

"its called a break because it's broken"

so i would say, time to move on but you need to tell her, you are moving on without her. you dont want to end up in a ross/rachel situation

all the stars

confused guy wrote: »

she broke down and said that she wanted to have a break from our relationship.

Hi,

i sympathise.. but here is my feeling. I am with my other half 7 years. If at any point there is ever discussion of a break - i have made it clear i dont believe in them & to me that means we are done. finished.

"A break" sits right in that grey area, which you may consider taking time to be alone & reflect and not be with other people; while she may consider it ok to be out chasing the other men she would like to be with as ye are on a break but have that safety net that ye can just pick up where ye left off.
Personally , hell no is all i have to say about that. Cant take that chance, and possibly never quite come to terms with "an acceptable form of cheating (though some people dont consider it cheating)".... i couldn't do it & wouldn't be having it.
You are a couple or you are single... you're never Kinda married - ya know?

Wibbs

Whatever happens, you need to let her go and start moving on now. If it helps you do this, know that doing so will increase your chances of getting her back should you wish that but more than that will help you move on quicker and towards the next relationship you will have. Trying to "get her back" will have the complete opposite effect to the one you want. Fact. Telling her you love her so much and she's the only one will not work. It will drop your value in her eyes. This in general is more true for women than men. At the moment if you continue as you are, she will be having her cake and eating it and you'll be doing the baking. Unless you're a sado masochist or your second name is Odlums, let her go. She left so let her leave.

davyjose

Wibbs wrote: »

Whatever happens, you need to let her go and start moving on now. If it helps you do this, know that doing so will increase your chances of getting her back should you wish that but more than that will help you move on quicker and towards the next relationship you will have. Trying to "get her back" will have the complete opposite effect to the one you want. Fact. Telling her you love her so much and she's the only one will not work. It will drop your value in her eyes. This in general is more true for women than men. At the moment if you continue as you are, she will be having her cake and eating it and you'll be doing the baking. Unless you're a sado masochist or your second name is Odlums, let her go. She left so let her leave.

Actually the OP left, and with that I wouldn't be offering your share of the rent either. Let Scotty pay.

LegacyUser

Thank you all very much for your support, encouragement & invaluable advice. I was actually thinking along the same lines as all of you folks but I suppose I just needed to hear it from somebody else to really nail the cold hard facts of the situation into my thick skull. It's a cliché but love really is blind :-)

At this point I really don't see a way back for this relationship. On one hand there is a strong possibility that she cheated on me, the relationship is over right there. On the other hand, if she didn't cheap, then she is acting unbelievable suspicious and I have got to the point where I will never be able to trust her again, which also means relationship over.

I guess the only thing I can do is to take Wibbs advice and arrange to meet her at the house that we are renting together and call her bluff. Then move all of my stuff out and get on with my life. After reading all of your messages I have built up a sort of resentment towards her and hopefully this will give the strength and courage to do what I should have done much sooner then now.

Again, thank you all very much for your honest opinions on my situation.

SarahSassy

OP,

Im sorry it has come to this for you... I do think that people have given you very good advice and all of it in your best interest.... You dont have a thick skull you have belief in your (ex) girlfriend which is a noble thing.

Keep the chin up and pop back in here for support if you need it going forward.

Hugs

SS

K-9

What type of debt was it? Was it lifestyle debt, credit cards etc., holidays, shoes, etc. etc.?

If that is the case she may be feeling down that her high is over. She could be replacing one high with the high of meeting a new man who finds her attractive.

Overheal

confused guy wrote: »

Thank you all very much for your support, encouragement & invaluable advice. I was actually thinking along the same lines as all of you folks but I suppose I just needed to hear it from somebody else to really nail the cold hard facts of the situation into my thick skull. It's a cliché but love really is blind :-)

At this point I really don't see a way back for this relationship. On one hand there is a strong possibility that she cheated on me, the relationship is over right there. On the other hand, if she didn't cheap, then she is acting unbelievable suspicious and I have got to the point where I will never be able to trust her again, which also means relationship over.

I guess the only thing I can do is to take Wibbs advice and arrange to meet her at the house that we are renting together and call her bluff. Then move all of my stuff out and get on with my life. After reading all of your messages I have built up a sort of resentment towards her and hopefully this will give the strength and courage to do what I should have done much sooner then now.

Again, thank you all very much for your honest opinions on my situation.

Resentment will help the transition... just dont let it get away from you. No explosions

LegacyUser

I couldn't wait any longer so I arranged to meet her at the house this morning and I told her straight out that I wanted to break up with her completely and that I didn't trust her anymore. She seemed genuinely shocked and even ran down the driveway after me telling me that there was a perfect explanation for everything. I got in my car and drove away without reacting to anything that she said. I also switched off my phone but when I turned it back on a while ago there were several voice mails and text messages from her. She told me that I was jumping to conclusions and that we really need to talk. The one thing I did notice was that she used the word ‘care’ lot, as in “I really care for you”, that seems to be a replacement for the word ‘love’ which she always used.

So anyway, all my stuff is at the house (tv, laptop, stereo etc) and I was wondering if I should go there and take all of my stuff which will leave to place fairly bare. Would it be too cruel or does she deserve it?

axer

confused guy wrote: »

I couldn't wait any longer so I arranged to meet her at the house this morning and I told her straight out that I wanted to break up with her completely and that I didn't trust her anymore. She seemed genuinely shocked and even ran down the driveway after me telling me that there was a perfect explanation for everything. I got in my car and drove away without reacting to anything that she said. I also switched off my phone but when I turned it back on a while ago there were several voice mails and text messages from her. She told me that I was jumping to conclusions and that we really need to talk. The one thing I did notice was that she used the word ‘care’ lot, as in “I really care for you”, that seems to be a replacement for the word ‘love’ which she always used.

So anyway, all my stuff is at the house (tv, laptop, stereo etc) and I was wondering if I should go there and take all of my stuff which will leave to place fairly bare. Would it be too cruel or does she deserve it?

Well done on making a decision. I'd say it was hard to do.

Dude, its your stuff - take it. If you don't then you will still be tied to the place which does not finish things completely plus god knows what might happen to it if she gets angry in some way. Now that you have made your decision, cut all connections such as your stuff still left there.

Go over and get the stuff now. Do not worry about being "cruel" to her. Was this whole situation not "cruel" on you? Also you taking your stuff has nothing to do with her and is nothing to do with whether she deserves it or not.

Good luck.

SarahSassy

You are entitled to take the stuff and you are not being cruel. I would let her know I was taking it on Thursday night to give her a chance to buy some stuff in advance...

Well done for making a decision and sticking to it. Sorry it had to come to this though.

echosound

the word "care"does seem to point towards the fact that she's mentally left the relationship alright. The reason she probably acted to upset when you told her you wanted to break up was that she probably looked at you as her security blanket - if things turned out to not be as good as she thought they would, she'd have you still hanging on and could just decide that she actually did have it good with you and snap her fingers and you'd be there ready and waiting.

Sorry to hear that, but you need to start looking at it as that - being over, and get your lives separated out from each other. This means collecting all your stuff and not having anything of yours left behind that could be used as an excuse - by either of you- for a quick callround, as she sounds like she wants to keep you as a "Backup plan".

IMO it is definitely not too cruel to take your own stuff! jeez, it's your stuff, take it and don't feel any guilt over it. You bought and paid for it, so remove all your stuff from the house.You're the one who's being uprooted in your life, moving out etc, so tough on her that she'll be left in your house with little creature comforts. The last thing you need to be worrying about is making sure she's comfortable - you're certainly not, you've had to move out and find a new house and deal with the breakup.
She'll just have to do without until she can get her own stuff.

Sorry to hear that it's all gone pearshaped for you, but TBH it's for the best - you will get over this in time and be happy again.

davyjose

confused guy wrote: »

I

So anyway, all my stuff is at the house (tv, laptop, stereo etc) and I was wondering if I should go there and take all of my stuff which will leave to place fairly bare. Would it be too cruel or does she deserve it?

Why do you have to be the one to leave? Stay and ask her to leave.

I feel bad for you - if she cared for you, she wouldn't say "I care for you". That says it all i'm afraid.

Puffin

Can’t see someone while you’re on a break?! Are you kidding me? The whole point of having ‘a break’ as opposed to breaking up is that you get to see the person/demand help from the person at any time that suits you. Other key elements of ‘having a break’ include:

1. you can do whatever you want with whoever you want YET you can hit the roof if they look at anyone else
2. if you decide you were actually better with them, you can just switch the relationship back on, at a time that suits you YET if you decide that you are better off without them, you don’t need to give them the courtesy of telling them. You can just assume they’ll work it out.
3. if you are with someone else, then get back together, that’s fine YET if they are with someone else, then get back together, they cheated.

Sounds like she is living the dream.

axer

Puffin wrote: »

Sounds like she is living the dream.

Not anymore!

Wagon

I'm sorry to hear it's come to this OP but you'll be alright in time. Isn't it your gaff though? Correct me if I'm wrong but she was practically cheating on you, left you in the dark, lied to you and doesn't love you any more? I think you have every right to stay in that house after what you've been through. This is her doing and you shouldn't feel even in the slightest bit guilty.

punchdrunk

fair play mate,i'd have done exactly the same
i think your entitled to your stuff,so tele stereo etc it's yours take it,but don't be petty and take the plug off the kettle because you bought it with your money in woodies two years ago,just take the big stuff and things that are of sentimental value
good luck moving on