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Where is the love?
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28-03-2008 3:41pm#1
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Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 60,217 Mod ✭✭✭✭
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Pretty much what others have said. Love you= affection and concern. In love with you = Sees a future with you, finds you sexually attractive plus affection and concern.
Now people will say "ah but we're different" or "one size doesn't fit all", but people on average tend to fit patterns of behaviour. Some other may say "this just happens, there's no explanation". I disagree. Everything sooner or later has an explanation.
Relationships go through stages. All things being equal, the first stage is the sexy, romantic honeymoon stage, where you feel each other out and feel each other up. That can last from a few months to a few years, depending on time spent together and individual's different capacities. Sooner or later that cools. Which is a good thing as the mad phase would wear you out and is not sustainable.
If you're lucky that translates into a deeper companionship and commitment with some of the initial madness in the background. Most couples who go wallop go in that transition. In my experience, breaks tend to occur at that point of change. Usually the first sign is the sex eases off, but is not compensated by anything as solid. If the only glue that binds you as a couple is the madness and nothing else, then it's bye bye baby. Of course incompatible couples can break after making that transition, as they may have been "right" for each other at the time, but times change, even if they get to the commitment stage. Of course incompatible couples can stick together too but again in my opinion that's usually due to either they get comfortable and the alternative of being single keeps them there, only to have someone come along to offer an escape. Or they have commitments like kids that keep them there. Some may get around it by having open relationships, yet they go back to the one they love, though the in love bit is lesser. All very complex stuff. There's a theory that humans don't mate for life but have a 4/5 year mating/reproductive cycle and beyond that all bets are off. Hard to say.
Can it come back? Hard one. I would say(again IMHO) yes. It can. I think women rarely get back the spark for a guy when it's gone, unless they get distance and he changes a lot in the interim. Men may get that spark back easier as often it's a physical thing and they have less options in the singles world but holding on to it may be difficult.
Of the people I've known who have gotten it back, I can't think of one where they didn't split up for a time. Sometimes for a long time. Got perspective as it were and came back to it fresh. They were very close as people and true friends though, not just as man and woman. IMHO that is quite rare, although many are absolutely convinced they have it. Too many people think they know what a loving couple relationship is yet they don't know what true friendship is.
As I say it is possible. I can think of one female friend of mine that dumped a guy after 3 years(again usual time) and told everyone that would listen that she didn't fancy him anymore and couldn't imagine liking him "in that way" again. Indeed the very thought put her off. Fast forward another 3 years and she fell for him again and marriage now beckons.
I often witter on(no shít I hear you say) around here that actions speak louder than words. That's true even with this. I'm sure your guy told you many times he loved you, there could never be another like you and that your love could never die. Now he's saying something different. He could say something different again. Who knows.
I would say this, unless he gives you clear indications to the contrary, treat this as if a break is about to happen. Indeed a breakup. Do not chase him. Things that are chased run away. Weird analogy
you see a cat. Try to walk towards it and it's likely to walk or run away. Stand still and it's likely to rub up against you. While people aren't cats and are of course more complex the same vague notion hold true. Be yourself. Look for options in your life in general. Plan a new journey for yourself and if he wants to come along then he has to work for that. Nothing easily gotten is cherished.
Also don't judge yourself too harshly regardless what happens. I know that may be difficult for a time, as many women often judge their value on the relationships they establish, both social and sexual. Don't. He is a separate entity and so are you. the more you see that the less likely him or any other guy will take you for granted. Now men can be the same, but not to the same extent.
I wish you luck in finding you and who you are and finding or having a partner who will rediscover that value in you.Rejoice in the awareness of feeling stupid, for that’s how you end up learning new things. If you’re not aware you’re stupid, you probably are.
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He has said that he wants some space for a couple of months. We were planning on getting married having children.
Give him the space, it may clarify issues for you both.I love him to bits, hes my best friend as well as everything else. He said we will see how things go. He has other things going on in his life, as have I. I'm finishing up a postgrad so I guess the last year I havent put much effort into our relationship. When I first met him he was crazy about me. He even proposed after 3 months. I told him at that time it was too soon.
If wibbs isnt writing as i am writing i just know he is going to have something to say about that comment in bold
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But with the energy banging around at the beginning of the relationship its very easy to say these things and fully mean them. I am all for full expression of feelings in the right time and place.
But subsequently thinsg have changed with time..it may still be there right enough, but he may be feeling the changes and wonderingI guess I took him for granted, but by god now I would do anything to get it back. i'm not very good at showing love, I am good at showing anger so I guess I probably have showed anger more than love. He said to me a few times that he needed me to show him that i love him in my actions rather than in my words but i guess i just pushed him away. I do love him more than anything, this has broken my heart. I am so sorry that I let it go.
Actions do speak louder than words. It is a hard lesson you have learned that you must simply be able to express the emotions.
For some reason, people do seem to be able to express anger or annoyance rather than positive emotions.
If you are believing you let it go, then you have let it go.
But you are writing here on your feelngs of love for your partner, getting it in print so you can look at it later...easier then telling him or showing him?
If you do want to recover things: Actions speak louder than words.He says he doesnt want to be with anyone else but he just feels caged in and we had been fighting. I just want back that guy who used to arrive at my door every weekend with a bunch of flowers. He says he wants back the girl that he first met. I have had a lot on my plate the last year and I suffer from bouts of depression which I guess I have taken out on him. I feel like I am going crazy because I love him so much. Why didnt i show him when i could? I am so stupid.
You know, once again that is such a common statement. I want the old person back or i want things to be as they were.
While i stand by my statement that it is possoble to rediscover what you saw in the person in the first place. The fact remains you are not the same people you were.
In this you are both looking back and pining for what has gone
Ths is not the same as looking at where you are now and what you want to do to not only recover the feelings but to press ahead.
Give him the space for now.0 -
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