Mother problems

kittykitty2

Basically, whenever my mother is under stress, even though I am usually the one of her children that tries to help out most in these situations, she usually verbally attacks me, or blames me for things, when she is under stress. The things she blames me for are random, for example, this morning, I was helping her and dad find an official document. They found it, and I exclaimed that dad had a terrible memory, as it was he who couldn't find the document, yet it was in a very typical place. I didn't mean in a nasty way. However, she exclaimed that I am one of the causes of his stress, which has resulted in forgetfulness. I have depression, which has been much better in the last few months, however, she accused me of in fact not suffering from depression, of simply being anti-social, which is mostly unjustified. I burst into tears, and I NEVER cry. I don't know how much more of this I can take. My mother and I have had a poor relationship at the best of times, and incidents like this only make matters worse. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Beruthiel

Have you sat her down and explained how you feel?
If not, I urge you to do so.

How Strange

Beruthiel wrote: »

Have you sat her down and explained how you feel?
If not, I urge you to do so.

+1

OP, I had a similar relationship with my mother so I empathise. She reduced me to tears on many occasions and like you I NEVER cry. It got so bad a few times that I swore I'd disown my family rather than speak to her again but in truth I just wanted to disown her and keep the rest of my family but that's impossible.

Anyway, I sat her down one day and told her a lot of home truths about her behaviour and its effects on me. I reduced her to tears but not through meaness or nastiness. Since then she has been like a different person towards me.

I think Irish mothers (I can't speak for mothers of any other nationality) have a tendency to be vengeful or spiteful towards daughters. Of course not all mothers are like this but some adore their sons and treat their daughters very badly. Perhaps because that's the relationship they had with their own mother or maybe because they're jealous of the opportunities that their daughters have.

Sit her down with your father if necessary and tell her exactly how you feel when she does and says these things. Tell her the consequences if she continues to carry on like that. Be rational, calm and matter of fact about it.

Hopefully she will listen. If she doesn't listen the first time then take the opportunity to say it again to her until she hears you.

Dizzyblonde

If you find it difficult to sit down and tell your mother how you feel, write her a letter. That way you get to let it all out and she can read it in private and think about it before discussing it with you.
She sounds quite stressed - maybe she's worried about you? Mothers find it very hard when their child has a problem they can't 'fix'. Of course that doesn't excuse her bahaviour, but it might expalin it.

Redpunto

I toohave a similar relationship with my mam. Im an only child so as a child I was blamed for everything, there was noone else to blame. SIlly things that would erupt like accusing me of getting butter on a letter when i hadnt touched it....its ridiculous. When I was 17 I was out of school for a day with a cold. I got a call from my good friend at the time that her brother had died in tragic cicumstances, so i ran up to the house. When I got home my mother started screaming at me for not wearing a jacket ???!!!!!Im older now and have a place of my own but I think i have some major issues becuase of this. Im on anti -d as well. Are you still young, it there any chance of moving out. Ive resolved that Im not going to chance my mother, she is who she is and she decides how to behave,I can only control how I behave. Looking back I find it unbelieveable how horrible and hateful she could be.

Puffin

OK, you seem to be aware of the sort of situations what cause issues between you and her (ie SHE is under STRESS; YOU try to intervene and HELP). Now ask yourself:

If you talk to someone at a party and they were a b*tch to you, would you approach them at another party?

If you went to a restaurant and the food made you sick, would you eat there again?

No, of course you wouldn’t because those actions had negative results. Any sensible person would eat elsewhere and talk to other people.

Now think about your mother… why, when it clearly causes issues between you, do you persist in getting under her feet when she is under stress? Next time she is under stress DON’T intervene and try to help. If you do, you are CHOOSING to put yourself in the firing line. You are doing the equivalent of walking into a restaurant that you know will make you sick, or walking up to someone who you know will be man to you..

Just walk away, even thought you might want to help, just walk away. You know yourself that your efforts to help do not work in this situation.

You mam will work sort out her own issues in her own way, and you will be happy (like your other siblings who realise, probably subconsciously, that being helpful isn’t helpful when it comes to your mother). If you learn to consistently avoid situations what cause conflict with her, it should also improve your relationship with her.

Miss Fluff

What age are you OP? Are you in a position to move out? Have you a good relationship with your Dad, can you discuss it with him?

macbarbie

I just wanted to say I know exactly how you feel, sometimes I really just think my mam is crazy.... i love her so much but she blames my family for everythin bad in her life.... one minute shes like i love you, your the best family, the next shes like i hate use all!!

For example, she plays bingo online and myself and my brother where using the computer to put photos up and she said what are use doing? he said "playing your bingo.. i won 2000euro haha...i wish!!" just a simple joke!

she turns around and freaked out, i hate use, why are you slagging me!? its the only fun thing i do, the rest of my day is cooking and cleaning, why would slag and laugh at me, i hate use, i hate my life.. its all your faults, your so selfish......

the next morning she brought me up a cup of tea saying morning love you ok?

WTF??? this is all the time too.... i cant handle it.. i cant afford to move out... this seems simple but everyday!! im going out of my mind!

yesterday i came home from work and goes im dying with a cold im going to bed... she says "your sister has her friend up in your room you cant...your so selfish, the day you pick to be sick, im sick too, iv blood pressure, i dont go to bed after working til 5,i run after you!!"

the next 10 mins pass..."do you want dinner love?"


sorry about the rant but i feel this is damaging my mind but when i try talk she breaks down, saying i cant take this i try so hard for you kids, you dont care, your killing me, then i feel awfull!!

macbarbie

oh sorry too for not given advice, as you can see i dont know wat to do either, but adleast you know your not on your own!

i know how you feel x

LegacyUser

Hope this might throw some light on your situation

Dealing with a Narcissistic Mother

http://mental-health.families.com/blog/dealing-with-a-narcissistic-mother

macbarbie

SomeLight wrote: »

Hope this might throw some light on your situation

Dealing with a Narcissistic Mother

http://mental-health.families.com/blog/dealing-with-a-narcissistic-mother

thats really interesting!!

I told my mam before i was moving out, went to view a place etc( i knew i wasnt though-no money!) but just to show her i was sick of it! i have to say it did cool down for a while but everything was back to normal soon enough!