Unconfident girlfriend

LegacyUser

going unregistered for this one!
OK so I've recently started seeing this girl...she's amazing, way better then I'd have ever thought I'd end up with. I noticed when we first started going out that she was a little shy so to speak. Basically after her coming out of long term relationships she was cautious. Anyway now we're an item and all is great but I've noticed she's really self conscious about her appearance in some situations.. for example even after afew months she'd still get kinda shy about me seeing her body at times and always makes remarks about how **** she's looking. Of course this is completely ridiculous but no matter what I say there's no convincing her. Also she's recently told me about attending counseling in the past due to a male friend who basically made her life hell by hounding her over being suicidal after her friend broke up with him. This is all in the past she assures me but recently after a night out she started crying(as has happend before) and told me how she was worried about comparing to her older siblings and also about not getting into the course she wanted(this was a big shock to everyone), which I think she partially blames on being messed up at the time...
I think she's a worrier by nature but she's at the point where she's getting stress related illnesses..
Now as I said everything between us is great at the moment, but I'm worried about her long term health and self image. No matter what I say she won't agree with me and as she's IMO too good for a guy like me it's kinda been through my head that maybe this low self esteem has her settling for less? I really don't know what to do or say to her as the more I press the issue the worse it seems to get? surely this isn't normal behavior?
Am I right in worrying about this stuff or should I jsut back off? I feel as her boyfriend I should have her knowing how great she is and that I'm failing her the way things are now..

LegacyUser

You're being a v good bf, so don't worry about her "being out of your league". She does need to become more confident and maybe counselling of the right kind would help her with this. Look up evidence based counselling (usual generic counselling doesn't have a success rate any better than spontaneous recovery). Lack of self-confidence leads to slef-doubt on all kinds of issues. Keep being supportive! But she won't believe you, she has to believe in herself.

seamus

an0n wrote: »

OK so I've recently started seeing this girl...she's amazing, way better then I'd have ever thought I'd end up with. I noticed when we first started going out that she was a little shy so to speak. Basically after her coming out of long term relationships she was cautious. Anyway now we're an item and all is great but I've noticed she's really self conscious about her appearance in some situations.. for example even after afew months she'd still get kinda shy about me seeing her body at times and always makes remarks about how **** she's looking. Of course this is completely ridiculous but no matter what I say there's no convincing her.

I can guarantee you that even Angelina Jolie looks in the mirror some days, forces her stomach to stick out and whines about how fat and ugly she looks.
With image being such a massive media bone, most (if not all) young women are very conscious about how they look and spend an inordinate amount of time thinking about what others are thinking about them.
Your pain is shared with many men who believe that their lady is a stunning creature who won't listen to them when they try to their their lady this.
Even women married for 20 years sometimes put on a towel after a shower to hide their body from their husband

I wouldn't worry too much about it. It's not necessarily a sign of low self-esteem unless it's causing her to shy away from social situations or avoid situations where too much of her body would be on show. Looks are a tiny part of a relationship. There's only so long a person can go out with an arsehole, so even if she is out of your league, the fact that she's still with you shows that she's in it for more than looks - she's in it for your personality.

Am I right in worrying about this stuff or should I jsut back off? I feel as her boyfriend I should have her knowing how great she is and that I'm failing her the way things are now..

You can't convince her of how great she is. All you can do is make sure she knows how great you think she is. Even if she is worrying about the crap that's gone on and any problems that she's going through, the knowledge that you support her and that you think the sun shines out of her arse, can be a huge support even if she doesn't believe it herself.

It's a very natural male feeling to think that if she's unhappy, there must be a solution, and it must be a solution that you can find and apply. It's next to impossible (in my experience) for us men to comprehend that there are some things which we can't fix, but we can just keep patched up until they fix themselves.

LegacyUser

Man... I could have written your post! Only difference is that I'm in my relationship 2 years... and my girlfriend is - in my eyes - the most beautiful creature ever. But, after constantly telling her this for 2 years I still don't think she believes it deep down. I came on this forum initially, like you, after being with her six months. I was told by a boardsie that she may have serious issues and they wouldn't just go away.. that I should just get somebody with more self-confidence.

Her issues haven't gone away.. they've spiralled into everything from headaches to depression to sickness and social anxiety and eventually an eating disorder (which lay dormant for years but resurfaced).. it's hard sh1t to deal with mate, don't think it isn't... she has overcome a lot of battles, and I've been there for her all the way, and helped her through so many things. But I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle. Her family and her upbringing have messed her head up beyond belief...

I'm not going to lie to you - it's not always easy. You will have wonderful times with her. But her insecurity may bring a "dark shadow" over the potential "good times" of your relationship at various points, in various situations.. often when you least want it to, or expect it to. Life is too short for this stuff so seriously consider whether you want to proceed with this.

Please read my thread
http://boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2055261592

Main piece of advice: look at her parents, her family. Talk to them. What kind of life do they lead? I'm not saying everyone ends up like their parents (and you can't judge anybody), but if there is a deep family history of depression/insecurity/unhappiness then you are fighting a hard, hard battle and you may be up against forces that are stronger than you'd ever believe. It's hard to come out of if that's where she comes from...

I'm still keeping the faith though...

But seems every time I think she's made a serious improvement or is sorting out her issues... she just drift back into misery again or starts becoming displeased with her body.

LegacyUser

Seamus:

You can't convince her of how great she is. All you can do is make sure she knows how great you think she is. Even if she is worrying about the crap that's gone on and any problems that she's going through, the knowledge that you support her and that you think the sun shines out of her arse, can be a huge support even if she doesn't believe it herself.

It's a very natural male feeling to think that if she's unhappy, there must be a solution, and it must be a solution that you can find and apply. It's next to impossible (in my experience) for us men to comprehend that there are some things which we can't fix, but we can just keep patched up until they fix themselves.

Good advice Seamus, and I totally agree.

But I grew up around women - three older sisters and my granny as well! I agree that yes, sometimes they need to vent and be miserable and insecure and unhappy. Sometimes they are unpredictable. And sometimes we men just want to fix the prob and move on.

But I've talked to my sisters about some of the stuff my gf goes through, and... well, basically, it isn't normal or right. I've done a sanity check - and I'm not being a typical man here. Some problems *do* need serious attention and consideration. Those are the recurring dangerous problems that destroy a persons general quality of life, self confidence, peace of mind, centredness and harmony. And they *do* have serious physical consequences as well.

... and they will affect you. Probably even more so when you're a man, and just want to get the darn thing fixed up

OP, you need to find out how fixable this thing is. If the relationship is in the early stages, consider getting out before you invest too much emotionally, and in terms of time and effort.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the replies, I've been given alot to think about. Suprabad I'll have a look at that thread now...