is his ex going to ruin our relationship???

LegacyUser

Hi there i feel as this will turn into a rant so i therefore give advanced warnings.

i’v been with my boyfriend for over 7months. We get on really really well. Its so brill!, im crazy about him. we have met each others families, hang out a lot etc(he drives ) im 18 he’s 19 this is my first serious relationship but it is not his.

he was with this girl (“Claire”)for 2 and a half years, it ended badly. They were each other’s first everything . ...girl to bring home, loves, sex...you get the idea..

She went to college a year earlier than him..my boyfriend... behind his back she met someone else(“mark”), met up on the quite and were sleeping with each other. So that ended that their relationship when he found out.

I feel he went into a mild depression state he grew his hair, listened to different music etc...

Now were together but about a month and a bit into our relationship, ”mark” who lives near both of us as me wud there be any chance of us ever getting together. I wasn’t having any of it, i told him where to put his notitions. he kept this up 4 a while your boyfriend could’nt satifiy he’s last girl i had 2 do it 4 him and so on..(mark has a bad rep for using girls to get at guys and is soo cocky even tho he has only a 5”)

I never told my boyfriend this as he would love 4 nothing more but a reason 2 lay into “mark”.

My boyfriend often spoke of he’s ex , but very rarely by name usually just her, she, it, dat one, dat bitch etc.

2-3 months into our relationship, we were messing up in mine 1 night, simple harmless stuff when it turned nasty. HE called me “Claire”. He actually tried to claim the names are similar but seriously are not!!! I felt so hurt and destroyed because earlier that same night we had done more stuff than we had done before. All i cud keep thinking was had he kept thinking in his mind was that this was her that was **** him off???

I brought it back up the next day, we had a heart to heart and i told him about i felt hurt and so on, that i understood that she had been a major part of he’s life and because she ended it with him that it didn’t mean that he had felt the same way. And so on
he said he didn’t she meant nothing to him anymore e was soo much more happier with me that he had ever been wit her. That e luv’d me etc.. (he had been in other relationships since they broke up and before we got together)he kept saying he was sorry, he was afraid that he had ruined “us” he then told me later.

Last night it was he’s birthday so we went out as with our group. When we were out he saw “Claire”. He told me did he said she was in a blue dress and i know she saw me out of the couner of her eye. He went on saying known that she was out had ruined he’s night, and she was only out because she knew it was his birthday.

I was only staying till 12 so i wasn’t going to the niteclub but he was he said how he was going to have to see her all night now and that the night had been ruined on him etc. He got clingy for him in public and we soon left that bar to go elsewhere before we did he told our group that that bitch was out 2 night.

I went home and i knew we would see each other the next day, but because of having to deal with it he got really very drunk. He knows his limits. I have been in school all week so we have only been texting but it’s been fine normal.

We havnt had sex and i don’t intend on for a long time with him, but we have done a lot .

he is one of those people who only say and write LUV and only fully mean LOVE until they have had sex with that person. I am of the different opinion that u LOVE a person and feel u know them etc and u express this by having sex. He knows i feel like this but i don’t want to bring it up because i feel as if i would b forcing him to same sumat he may not fully mean.

Am i being too understanding?? Or should i just get over this and deal wit i cos every relationship is like this???

Im seeing him face to face tomorrow for the first time since Saturday night, do i bring it up and ask straight out about having feelings for her or do i just shut up and deal with it.


THEY BROKE UP ALMOST TWO YEARS AGO!!!! She too has been in other relationships!!!


Should i suggest going on a break so he can figure himself out weather or not he is commited to this relationship?????

Sorry bout it being so long (thanks for reading this tho!!)

Any comment left i thank you for it!! If tis was any other relationship i wud consider ending it but i reallllly do love him and care so much for him but i feel as if its ending up being all giving on myside of the relationship and he’s doing all the taking



Any advice on what to do?????????????????

kittenkiller

First off, you both sound *waaaay* younger than 18 and 19 by the way.

He will let you know that he "luvs" you but not "loves" you?
So do you actuall *speak* to each other, y'know, like where you don't spell things at each other?

I think you should have sex with him, call him Mark and move on to someone else!
He's definitely not over Claire and doesn't even lOve you!

You should probably just settle down and concentrate on passing your leaving cert at this stage.

Best of luck!

seahorse

I don't really know what to say here OP. It sounds like your boyfriend has a lot of growing up to do, and a lot of moving on to do while he's at it. Referring in those very negative terms to someone you've broken up with two years ago, and feeling so sour towards them to the point where the mere sight of them ruins your night, well that just sounds to me like someone who needs to cop himself on to be honest. He's obviously still nursing a lot of bitterness and resentment that he needs to let go of.

As to his calling you her name though, I wouldn't put too much emphasis on that. People slip up like that occasionally; that's not what you ought to be worrying about here. You ought to be worrying about his unnatural hatred directed towards his ex, because if the day comes when you are his ex then it'll be directed at you.

all the stars

So, your not with him very long at all.. I would call it a day .. maybe when he's older he might be ok to be with.
I wouldn't go sleeping with him, that definately wont do any good for you, will make it more difficult to pack it in.

And agree with the other posters, if he feels that much hate towards her - it will be about you when ye finish. He sounds very immature,

Mazeire

Ok.
1. Someone loving you should NEVER be conditional on wheather you have sex with them or not. He should love you for you and not for your vag. Thats lame. He probably thinks it's "deep" this whole "luv" versus "love" bull, buts its as lame as a 200 year old donkey.
2. This has nothing to do with her anymore. Its his unresolved problems that are causing this. She has moved on. He hasn't. There is nothing you can do about this.

He sounds like a little boy with loads of baggage. Get out and move on with your life.

Catari Jaguar

He's still angry at her 2 years later???? That's craziness. They were children when they were together...

He won't say he loves you until he has sex??? For the love of God, that's ridiculous! And assuming his ex is only out because it's his birthday is very self involved. Chances are she's forgotten about him. He sounds like an immature prat to me. I think you have great patience, but there's only so much you can put up with.

I would tell him that you are not going to be second best and won't be in a relationship with him until he lets his ex go and gets over her. It's not fair on you.

Puffin

You called this post

is his ex going to ruin our relationship???

NO. What can ruin a relationship is when one of the people in the relationship is not over their ex. If this happens (and clearly it is) and the other person in the relationship (you) blames the ex instead of your boyfriend then you are doing 2 things:

1. blaming another woman for something she had no control over
2. letting your boyfriend know that he can do/not do as he wants and you will do your best to blame someone else; effectively relieving him of any responsibility.

Wibbs

Puffin nails it. No ex can ruin a relationship if they're truly an ex. If not... This includes exes that are still around physically or emotionally. More specifically how the person thinks about the ex is what will make the new relationship fail. From what you're saying he's nowhere near over the ex. He may "hate" her, but that's as destructive to your relationship as if he "luv/loved"* her. In both cases his focus is on her not you. Frankly, if she said she liked him again, I would not be shocked if he went back.


* Luv/Love? He needs to grow up. Simple as. Do not fall into bed with any bloke who doesn't know the meaning of those words unless all you want is a jump.

Creachadóir

I think you should tell him that you want to finish things with him because he's not over his ex yet. Tell him that you're not closing any doors, but that it's not fair to expect you to wait until he gets over her. You don't want to have to listen to him talking and ranting about her. You're better than that. Find someone who wants to talk about you!