Parents won't respect my wishes

LegacyUser

Hi all,

I broke up with my boyfriend of 4 years a few months ago. We were fighting a lot and we both decided that it wasn't working anymore. We decided to remain friends though and since then we've been getting along great. I go to college in a different county anyway so I don't see him that often, but we do chat on the phone and we are still best friends.

My problem is that my parents, my mother in particular, don't think that it's a good idea to be friends with an ex. She's entitled to her opinion of course, and I know that our friendship might not work out, but I think it is worth the risk because we were friends for a long time before we got together.

I've been home for college for the holidays and a few days ago my mother made another snide comment about my ex. I asked her to please respect my decision as I'm 22 and old enough to know what's right for me. This escalated into a huge argument with me having to tell my mother over and over that I did not want to talk about it anymore. I eventually had to leave the room because she wouldn't listen.

Tonight, again, we had another huge argument. I asked to borrow the car tomorrow so I could collect something from my ex's house because I am going back to college tomorrow. My dad started they whole 'I don't think you can be friends with an ex' discussion again, and I tried to explain to him that I was happy with my decision. My mother arrived on the scene and basically another argument started. I told them that they weren't respecting me by constantly telling me that I'm making a mistake. They are entitled to their opinion but they can't grasp that I'm over it and that them dragging it up is not helping.

My parents believe that my boyfriend treated me badly because he didn't rush over to see me when I came home for the weekend. The truth is that I didn't want to see him either all the time because, as I said, we weren't getting along. My parents believe that he is in the wrong, that he used me, that he made a fool out of me. They wont listen to me when I tell them that we weren't getting along, that it was a mutual thing.

They keep saying that they care about me and this is why they are talking about it (although conveniently this is the first time they've ever said they care, and they have never once said they love me) but they don't seem to realise that upsetting me does not show that they care.

My sister has asked them to leave it be but they turned on her and screamed and shouted at her for 'butting in.' They just wont listen.

It's never easy breaking up with someone you love dearly, and it took me awhile to get over it, but the friendship I have with my ex now has made it all worth it, and I'm over it. My parents keep dragging it up though and I am forced to keep revisiting the bad times we had.

I don't know how else to get my parents to realise that I am happy but that them bringing it up is making it harder for me to move on. I can't get them to respect my wishes.

Does anyone have any advice as to how I can get my parents to stop talking to me about this constantly?

Sorry for the long post, I have lots to say!

Thanks

dudara

You've got to realise that your parents will always be protective of you, especially as a daughter. They felt that your ex was not good enough for you.

Living at home is not helping matters though. Can you afford to move out?

starky

This is prime indicator of "Time to move out" syndrome.

That carry on would drive me NUT’S that said I have not lived at home for years.

Sometimes even the threat might work. Tell them to give it a rest or you dropping out of college and moving to Dublin to work in a bar! :-)
It’s a bit mean but it might do the trick! ;-)

LegacyUser

dudara wrote: »

You've got to realise that your parents will always be protective of you, especially as a daughter. They felt that your ex was not good enough for you.

Living at home is not helping matters though. Can you afford to move out?

Thanks for replying.

I live in a different county most of the time for college, and am usually only home every few weekends, so I don't actually see them that often.

I understand that my parents are protective of me, but my mother tends to lean on the side of being overprotective or, to put it bluntly, nosey. She's constantly on the phone to me or texting me and needs to know every detail of my life. My relationship with my ex was the one thing I could keep private and now she's on to me about that as well.

My parents are funding my postgrad and accommodation and I am very grateful, but everytime I ask my mother to stop talking about my ex and saying horrible, untrue things about him she threatens to withdraw her financial support.

I don't know what to do to make her understand that I'm happy with the way things are between me and my ex.

I'm heading back to college early to get away from the house for awhile so things might calm down but I'm worried that it'll flare up again when I come home next. (Me telling her that I'm going back Friday started one of the fights because she gave me 'the look' and said "I hope no one is going back with you." She doesn't realise that me leaving might have something to do with her!)

Mazeire

It is their weird way of showing that they care, but it isn't helpful. I would lie TBH. Tell them you had a huge fight with him, that you now think he is a complete twat and you never want to see hear or talk about him again. Endure the inevitable I told you so's and then never mention him in their company again. I also think the suggestion of moving out is a good one. They are treating you like a baby and staying in the nest won't help that.

LegacyUser

starky wrote: »

This is prime indicator of "Time to move out" syndrome.

That carry on would drive me NUT’S that said I have not lived at home for years.

Sometimes even the threat might work. Tell them to give it a rest or you dropping out of college and moving to Dublin to work in a bar! :-)
It’s a bit mean but it might do the trick! ;-)

LOL


I've threatened to go work in Dunnes instead of going into the pensionable career that I will be qualified for in a couple of months and she was not impressed! That was only a joke though!

Overheal

This calls for some Wibbery.

disrespected wrote: »

Hi all,

Hello,

I broke up with my boyfriend of 4 years a few months ago. We were fighting a lot and we both decided that it wasn't working anymore. We decided to remain friends though and since then we've been getting along great. I go to college in a different county anyway so I don't see him that often, but we do chat on the phone and we are still best friends.

With the distance factored that be working grand. However anyone here will agree that friends with the ex almost always ends in tears.

My problem is that my parents, my mother in particular, don't think that it's a good idea to be friends with an ex. She's entitled to her opinion of course, and I know that our friendship might not work out, but I think it is worth the risk because we were friends for a long time before we got together.

Then be friends. If anything you'll learn something for yourself. Nobody wants to see you learn the hard way though. And more often than not thats what happens. Im not saying it doesnt happen but see where your Mother is coming from.

I've been home for college for the holidays and a few days ago my mother made another snide comment about my ex. I asked her to please respect my decision as I'm 22 and old enough to know what's right for me. This escalated into a huge argument with me having to tell my mother over and over that I did not want to talk about it anymore. I eventually had to leave the room because she wouldn't listen.

The best advice I ever had to teach myself about parental lecturing: keep your damn mouth shut. Else you only make things worse for yourself. Listening doesn't mean agreeing.

Tonight, again, we had another huge argument. I asked to borrow the car tomorrow so I could collect something from my ex's house because I am going back to college tomorrow. My dad started they whole 'I don't think you can be friends with an ex' discussion again.

That would be the parental thing to do...

And I tried to explain to him that I was happy with my decision.

Explain "explained". I know when I try to explain things to the parents I almost always fudge things up. Which is usually why I stick to the golden rule of keeping my damn mouth shut.

My mother arrived on the scene and basically another argument started. I told them that they weren't respecting me by constantly telling me that I'm making a mistake. They are entitled to their opinion but they can't grasp that I'm over it and that them dragging it up is not helping.

Statistics against you say you are in fact making a mistake. Its virtually futile denying that point. All you can convey is that you are choosing to make the mistake.

My parents believe that my boyfriend treated me badly because he didn't rush over to see me when I came home for the weekend. The truth is that I didn't want to see him either all the time because, as I said, we weren't getting along. My parents believe that he is in the wrong, that he used me, that he made a fool out of me. They wont listen to me when I tell them that we weren't getting along, that it was a mutual thing.

They see what they see. They arent privy to 99% of the life experiences between you and your boyfriend. That doesn't make them wrong always, be mindful of that. My brother and friend (actually sort of an ex in her own right) were trying to tell me the girl I was wooing over was a complete witch. In a few months, I figured it out the hard way.

They keep saying that they care about me and this is why they are talking about it (although conveniently this is the first time they've ever said they care, and they have never once said they love me) but they don't seem to realise that upsetting me does not show that they care.

Politely: get over yourself. You know your parents love you and care. If they didnt care they would go ahead and let you do this without comment. Ever stop to think they've been down that road before? Even my father, a temperamental alcoholic, knew how to show he cared without saying a word. Your recollection I suspect, is blindsided by current events.

You know they care anyway:

My parents are funding my postgrad and accommodation and I am very grateful.

I understand that my parents are protective of me, but my mother tends to lean on the side of being overprotective or, to put it bluntly, nosey.

And my dad always insisted knowing where i was and what i was doing. But he knew I was safe, and I pretty much had free reign otherwise. You have to ask yourself why they are nosing.

My sister has asked them to leave it be but they turned on her and screamed and shouted at her for 'butting in.' They just wont listen.

How old is your sister? Has she ever been burned by an ex? Has she ever had any relevant life experiences? Is she your parent?

It's never easy breaking up with someone you love dearly, and it took me awhile to get over it, but the friendship I have with my ex now has made it all worth it, and I'm over it. My parents keep dragging it up though and I am forced to keep revisiting the bad times we had.

I don't know how else to get my parents to realise that I am happy but that them bringing it up is making it harder for me to move on. I can't get them to respect my wishes.

You can start by acknowledging the love and consideration your parents are showing you. they keep at you the way they do because you aren't letting them know any of it is getting through. You need to actively listen to what they have to say. You "keep your damn mouth shut", as in, keep your opinions guarded; but actively listen - show them you understand what they are saying by saying so. "I know you love me, and...".

You should also try asking them about their past a bit. I would say they have some past examples to work off of. Go ahead and listen to them. Keep the criticisms to a minimum (like "but this is entirely different!") and just take in what they have to say.

They're going to keep sending the message to you until they are certain that you have received it. Like I said, listening is not agreeing. Go listen, and then make your own choice.

Sorry for the long post, I have lots to say!

Not tat tall.

Thanks

anytime.

LegacyUser

Overheal,

Thanks for taking the time to reply. Your advice to just listen is good, and if it comes up again I will. Anything I say will just make things worse at this stage.

I do understand that being friends with an ex rarely works, but I also understand that if it doesn't it will be my mistake. I'm old enough to make mistakes and while I understand that my parents dont want me to make any mistakes, I wish that they'd let me figure things out by myself.

I know exactly how my parents feel about the situation, but I don't need to hear it over and over everytime I dare to bring up my ex's name. (Which isn't very often because it sets them off!)

As for my sister, she is only 21, and has only had a few relationships that have lasted a few months, so has no experience in the matter. However, she can see that it's upsetting me having to go over every detail of the break up, and having to listen to my parents telling me I'm making a mistake over and over.

Ickle Magoo

Mazeire wrote: »

It is their weird way of showing that they care, but it isn't helpful. I would lie TBH. Tell them you had a huge fight with him, that you now think he is a complete twat and you never want to see hear or talk about him again. Endure the inevitable I told you so's and then never mention him in their company again. .....

^I think that's great advice^. Our parents will always try to steer us around any obstacles they perceive as a risk because they don't want us to get hurt. It's lovely & all but the repeated warnings can get annoying. Just nod & smile & get on with whatever you were doing tho it may be worth baring in mind they probably know what they are talking about.

LegacyUser

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

^I think that's great advice^. Our parents will always try to steer us around any obstacles they perceive as a risk because they don't want us to get hurt. It's lovely & all but the repeated warnings can get annoying. Just nod & smile & get on with whatever you were doing tho it may be worth baring in mind they probably know what they are talking about.

Ya, it's probably best just to let them ramble on. You never know, they might tire themselves out eventually! I wont be lying to them though. Apart from the fact that I'm a terrible liar, I also don't feel like I'm doing anything wrong and maybe once they see how happy I am they might get over it.

They think that because my ex (who will hereafter be know as my best friend!) hasn't come over here to visit me (I've been to his house) that he isn't really a friend. Truth is, he knows how my parents feel and wouldn't feel comfortable in my house right now. I'm comfortable in his house because his mother has been great since we broke up, offering to be there for him if he needs her but respecting his wish not to talk about it.

I suppose I just wish I had the same.

Ickle Magoo

I know that you wish they were different but honestly, it's a waste of your energy & will only end in you getting more frustrated & more stressed. They never change - I haven't lived at home for 15 odd yrs & I'm a mother myself & yet my parents still lapse into their parent scripts & give me warnings & advice every time I just try to tell them something going on in my life. It's kind of cute now but it bugged the hell out of me for years until I started thanking them for caring & letting it go over my head.

Sarky

I don't accept the "friends with ex = DOOMED FROM THE START" outlook everyone seems to have. It's far from impossible. If there was betrayal involved I would advise against it, obviously (although why anyone would consider staying friends with a backstabber is beyond me), but that doesn't seem to exist in this case.

If you're able to deal with past relationships rationally, and you're willing to accept the possibility that it mightn't work out, then by all means go for it. People who weren't working out as a significant other can make the closest friends.

LegacyUser

I did my undergrad at home so I didn't get annoyed as much by the little things because I was used to them. Now that I've had a taste of living away from home it's hard to go back to living at home, if only for a couple of weeks. I know my parents will never change and that they are only looking out for me, but it still gets to me when they treat me as if I can't make my own decisions.

I'll leave it be for the moment. They know where I stand, but if they do want to talk to me about it I'll listen to them. I'm lucky that this is the only problem I have, there are people out there who are much worse off. Not belittling the problem, because from my point of view it's a big thing. But I'm only young, I'll bounce back!

As for the ex turned friend, well we just had a chat there and he pretty much gave me the same advice: listen to them and don't get worked up. It's definitely working out as friends, we don't fight anymore and there's less pressure. If it doesn't work out in the future then my parents will have been right but for now I'm going to go with what's right for me.

Thanks for all of the advice, I feel a hell of a lot better now! (On the plus side, I locked myself away in my room for the night and got a project done, so it's not all bad!)

Daithio

I agree with the posters saying you should lie. You don't need to say that you now think he's an asshole and you never want to see him again, just don't tell them that you are seeing him.

Sometimes it's easier just to humour the folks rather than confront them, even if they're in the wrong.

Overheal

Theres white lies, and theres lies.

LegacyUser

Couldn't lie anyway, the woman is like a hawk! She always says 'There's no point in lying because I'll always catch you out!' I just wont mention him to them. I haven't really talked about him anyway so it's not a huge deal!

Thanks again guys.