Need a little help...

LegacyUser

I'm a bloke about to finish college for good hopefully, getting his own place as soon as possible and start happily fending for himself. The problem is keeping my sanity until that happy day.

I live in a house with my family. My mother is grand, we get along great. The problem lies in my old man and my sister. My sister has an illness which she needs to sort out. My family have tried everything to help her but she rejected all the help (didn't go to therapy sessions, checked her self out of rehab etc...) and pretty much stuck up two middle fingers at us. My father suffers from depression and has a problem controlling his temper. He pretty much did the same thing and avoided getting help for years. I have tried being there for them but get treated pretty crap in return and this really started happening from Christmas.

I was out at some celebrations with my mates and my sister was also there. She drank way to much and collapsed so i took her to A&E. I normally would just get people home in these cases but she was taking loads of medication on account of her illness and her epilepsy which had caused her to collapse pretty violently a few weeks beforehand. She came to and we all sat down and had an intervention to tell her to get herself sorted. It seemed to end up well. Since then, she has treated me like complete ****. She's done the small things like put me down in front of people, taken my things whenever she felt like it etc... and some more serious stuff that I'm not gonna go into unless asked because it will just add to the rambling nature of this post. The problems with the old man go back a long way. It's mainly because I think the guy is a small minded bastard and our personalities clash. He was f**k all help when his daughter was having problems as he was too wrapped up in his own little world to help anyone. My ma is the only person I like in this house.

Everything else is fine. When I'm out, I'm usually happy. I have a girlfriend who I love and plenty of good mates and all that. The problem is coming home and not knowing if I'm going to be greeted with a wave or a spit (metaphorically speaking). I don't want to cause trouble and lose my own temper. I'd like to be able to deal with this and not punch someone and really cause damage (because it's come close to that on a few occasions). I plan to get out of here quick in a few months but until then, if anyone who has been in a similar situation or knows how to handle these things would like to pass on some advice, I'd really appreciate it. Thanks for reading and happy Easter!

MIN2511

Families.... don't we all just want to be rid of them??? They cause so much trouble, i recently ranted about mine.

First finish college, move out and then only see them at family gatherings or holidays. It's easier said than done i know, but it sounds like they don't want your help and don't appreciate it either...
Families bring out the worst in people


easier to give advice

LegacyUser

Thanks, just seeing things in writing helps. And you're probably right. I've put up with so much crap off them. But what should I do until the day I can give a two fingered farewell to my front door?

Redpunto

COuld you work part time even to house share? We had to leave in one room in my parents house for 3 years with a baby as we couldnt afford to move out. It fecked us up. We then had to move back for a year but we saved and saved and we now own our own house. Its hard especially when youre an adult yourself but itll pass and try and spend as much time with your own friends and GF

Shelli

Hang in there OP, just remind yourself that in the grand scheme of things a few months is nothing!!

You will have the rest of your life to look back and say "Thank F*ck I'm outta there!"

Good luck, and don't let it get you down!

Beetlebum

Once you have your own place you'll appreciate the freedom so much and chances are you'll get along way better with your family. Since moving out myself and my dad have become really close, going for pints together tec and I actually miss him if I haven't seen him for a week or two, I never thought I'd be saying that!

Could you possible get a loan form the bank to help you get a deposit together for a place and maybe a part-time job or rent allowance? If not just stick it out for the next while and know that we've all (well, alot of us anyway) have been through similar situations and it will all work in the end. Hang in there, not long to go.

LegacyUser

Yeah i guess it's not too long away. I'm not working at the moment (wish i was, i need it now more then before), just gotta get these lousy exams out of the way. Thanks for the replies. figured there were a few people out there who was through something similar. Dunno how to keep the peace until then though...

Overheal

Youre sister is battling a drink problem: putting up with the shockwaves is the price you pay. Having said that I never want to see my sister without a cigarette in her hand... shes vicious.

And youre pretty much meant to fight with your father. Fair Play! I remember before I moved out we pretty much bogged down into war. I'd throw my remarks around and he'd throw furniture around. Sounds brutal but to be honest nobody really got hurt (just the furniture), and since moving out we have an almost entirely different relationship altogether; for the better.

All you can do is keep up as you have. As moving out of the house gets closer it gets the less inclined you're going to be to keep the peace. Just remember you'll be gone soon. In my own experience I just remembered that, and so did the parents, and somehow each of us tolerated more crap from each other than usual.

As for the pappy: mine had his own battle with alcohol and has always been quick to temper, so I hear ya. Just take it with a bar of chocolate and remember thats just his way. It turns out, he rarely ever means exactly what he says. Remember he may have no better way to express himself so do yourself a favor and try and find new ways to look at your father.

LegacyUser

Overheal wrote: »

Youre sister is battling a drink problem: putting up with the shockwaves is the price you pay. Having said that I never want to see my sister without a cigarette in her hand... shes vicious.

And youre pretty much meant to fight with your father. Fair Play! I remember before I moved out we pretty much bogged down into war. I'd throw my remarks around and he'd throw furniture around. Sounds brutal but to be honest nobody really got hurt (just the furniture), and since moving out we have an almost entirely different relationship altogether; for the better.

All you can do is keep up as you have. As moving out of the house gets closer it gets the less inclined you're going to be to keep the peace. Just remember you'll be gone soon. In my own experience I just remembered that, and so did the parents, and somehow each of us tolerated more crap from each other than usual.

As for the pappy: mine had his own battle with alcohol and has always been quick to temper, so I hear ya. Just take it with a bar of chocolate and remember thats just his way. It turns out, he rarely ever means exactly what he says. Remember he may have no better way to express himself so do yourself a favor and try and find new ways to look at your father.

Good advice! It's not the first time I've heard of family relationship improving after people have left the house. My sister isn't an alcoholic though, she's bulimic (putting up with someone like that is a lot worse then you might think). And the old man doesn't drink, he's just a w****r.

LegacyUser

Once you move out don't forget about your mam though!! If she really is the only reasonable one then she's probably ripping her hair out too and may dread the day you leave!

LegacyUser

pooky wrote: »

Once you move out don't forget about your mam though!! If she really is the only reasonable one then she's probably ripping her hair out too and may dread the day you leave!

Never! I love my ma

denhaagenite

You won't believe how much things will change when you move out. Don't cut off contact with them- there won't be any need. Just do remember that both your parents are human and make mistakes. It's not your problem, but it is a problem at the moment.

I don't know what the easy answer is until you can move out but I know from my own experience and many of my friends that familiarity breeds contempt and when you move out there will be a majorly significant difference.

Your Dad, I'm guessing, is an old dog and we all know how that story goes. As for your sister maybe she'll see sense, maybe she won't- but she's extremely lucky to have you and don't you forget that. Do talk to your mother though, it may help to clear things up for the future.

Really hope things get better for you...

LegacyUser

I've spoken to my ma but I've never told her that she's the only person I'd make the effort to see after i leave. To be honest, I stopped caring how my sister was a few weeks ago and I really have no time for my dad. We rarely speak anyway. The last time i opened a beer in the house I was called an alcoholic. I can count the amount of beers Ive drank in my house on one hand, i normally go to the pub and the times I'd have a few bottles of whiskey in my room but i don't drink them, save them for a session etc... you see what i mean though, any excuse to just jump down your throat. I usually avoid arguments as well, just give in just to restore peace. I know that's not the smartest thing to do but how can you argue with someone who only listens to themselves?

davyjose

To be honest mate, and I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but it's your Mam I feel sorry for. She's got a lifetime of this; you, a few weeks. Look after her when you leave.

McGinty

To be honest mate, and I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but it's your Mam I feel sorry for. She's got a lifetime of this; you, a few weeks. Look after her when you leave.

No offence but the Op's mum can walk away from this and the Op should not carry his mum because of her inability to deal with life head on.

Op you can only care for yourself, I have come from a dysfunctional family and dealing with the fallout at the moment, and I have learned after many years of bashing my head off the wall, is to care for yourself, you cannot carry anyone else. However, I see for now you are stuck in your situation, so personally I would focus on your move to a new home whilst you are living at home, visualise the lovely place you are going to live in, visualise the peace of mind you will have, by all means when you do move invite your mum to visit you but be aware that she chooses her life and you cannot carry her, I tried carrying my parents for years and here is the irony, they treated me like ****, and I was wasting my time. So focus on your lovely life, as for your sister, you may need to apply tough love, that is being fairly stoney with her, whilst I have not dealt with an alcoholic sibling, I have dealt with a manipulative and dangerous sibling and whilst feeding me words of honey he was ****ing me over in reality. Again, I say look after you, only you have that power.

Phibsboro

Just to add some hope re the bulimic sister. Years ago a work mate had a bulimic teenage daughter who just drove him nuts - she was all over the place. Whenever I met her, I pitied him cos she just seemed so needy and weepy all the time. I felt that really he'd been handed a life sentence in dealing with her.

And then... I came across her in another work situation recently. Prolly 15 years had passed. She's married with two great kids, nice fella, settled in an area near her parents. And she's the most down to earth, nice, funny person you could meet. The change is just amazing. So maybe bear that in mind in your dealings with your sis - over the next few years she'll hopefully start to get herself together and ideally you wouldn't have given up on her so much at this stage that it'll be hard to reconcile later on.

C

LegacyUser

Cheers, thanks for the replies lads. It feels good to get it off my chest, guess it's not too long away until I get out of here and move into a gaff with 400 euro worth of beer. Thanks Phibsboro, I'll still have hope