wedding Dilemma

willy wonka

My best friend has invited me to her wedding. We've known each other since we were teenagers and we're in our early thirties now. She has lived in the UK for the last 10 years so we probably only see each other once or twice a year, with phone calls and emails filling the time.

Over the last few years these phone calls and emails have faded to almost nothing. Between August and Christmas I tried to contact her 4 times but she never got back to me. She asked me to design her wedding for her. At Christmas she comes home and we always meet up but this year she avoided me for the entire time. She texted me to say she wanted to meet up but we never did. At first I made all these excuses that she is really busy with her wedding preparations but she is always on Facebook playing games. She also made time over Christmas to spend New Years with other friends. I was very hurt at Christmas knowing our friendship was over.

In March she sent me a text for my birthday and yesterday I received an invite to her wedding. My gut reaction was not to go. I dont want to be two-faced about it - be all nice to her on the day when she no longer wants to be my friend.
I also want to add that she invited just me, no guest. I would feel really awkward being on my own. I am single and dont want to advertise the fact, but I would have brought a friend. She knows I would feel awkward and this is what annoys me.

Also with me supposed to be designing this wedding, I thought she would have kept in contact but my other friends think she's regretted asking me to help her

Do you think I would be horrible to not go to this wedding? With all that has happened over the years, I dont want to continue the friendship.
With what has happened over the last while I think she would be shocked if I didnt go - all the texts she's sent me have been affectionate as if nothing has happened. I am so confused.

Dizzyblonde

If I were you I wouldn't go - she was probably using you anyway as a means of having the wedding designed on the cheap/for free. She doesn't sound like much of a friend and you can do without her.
If you don't go, she won't be half as shocked as you were when she avoided you at Christmas. And expecting you to go to the wedding alone is just mean - does she like to see you squirm?
Time to move on, real friends don't treat each other like this.

Beruthiel

willy wonka wrote: »

Do you think I would be horrible to not go to this wedding? With all that has happened over the years, I dont want to continue the friendship.

If you do not wish to continue the friendship, then just don't go to the wedding.

With what has happened over the last while I think she would be shocked if I didnt go - all the texts she's sent me have been affectionate as if nothing has happened. I am so confused.

Perhaps guilt at ignoring you for so long?
She can hardly be shocked at you not turning up considering her behaviour towards you.
Either way, if you no longer wish to be her friend, what does it matter?

St Bill

From what you've said, it's sounds like your friend isn't that bothered about you. There's nothing more you can do about it really, you've done your bit.
I think sending an invitation just for you is very odd, the norm is for one plus guest. Now it might have been a mistake on her part. All the same, I would just send a reply saying you're not going. If she bothers to ask why, you can then say you didn't want to go on your own. Leave it at that. I wouldn't waste too much time over someone who can't be a*sed to be straight with you

How Strange

Some people are just selfish and self absorbed. I know a few like that too. There's nothing much you can do about it just accept it and either be friends with her in spite of it or not.

Yes, I've gotten the invitation for one to weddings before and I have to say, IMO, it's insulting. IMO, please don't ask me to your wedding if you want me to come solo. It should be my decision whether or not I ask someone but at least extend the same courtesy to me that you extend to your other friends who have bf's etc that you may not know from Adam. I've also gone to weddings solo where other friends are solo too and it was a very small party but that's different.

Honestly OP, I'd say you should decline the invitation. Why bother going to a wedding that you don't want to go to and that will leave you feeling bitter about a)how she ignored you for months and b)invited you on your own. You're hardly going to enjoy the day out if that's how you are feeling when you arrive.

seahorse

I wouldn't go if I were you. I had a load of similar type shyte from an old friend of mine several years ago and I gave her the heave-ho and that was the end of it. I felt sad about her behaviour for a good long while because we'd been very close for several years speaking to each other every single day, but it just came to the point where I'd had enough of her hurtful insulting carry-on so I just cut her out of my life cause I reckon it's better spent with the people who have not decided to stop caring about how their behaviour affects me.

I think you should take the advice of a previous poster who said you should tell her you wont be attending as you don't want to go alone; that'd give her a hint about how insulting that was also.

willy wonka

Thanks for all the helpful posts. I was going to give a reason for not going to the wedding but I don't think I will. I'll just decline

PS They've created a website regarding their wedding and it's designed just like the wedding invite (something I was supposed to do!) - It was like a kick in the teeth. Talk about adding insult to injury. BTW the design is rubbish - sorry to be so mean but I am shocked at the way she is treating me.

seahorse

If you wanted to get bitchy about it you could always accept the invitation and just not turn up! You could then say (if asked) 'Oh, I forgot all about it'!

Mazeire

She is not expecting you to go.It's a token invite. I'd call her bluff and accept. Inform her you are bringing someone of your choosing. Dress up to the nines and have a ball to spite her. Get in on as many of the photos as you possibly can. Then erase her from your life totally and forget you ever knew her.

willy wonka

seahorse wrote: »

If you wanted to get bitchy about it you could always accept the invitation and just not turn up! You could then say (if asked) 'Oh, I forgot all about it'!

hee hee. I love it

Mazeire wrote:

She is not expecting you to go.It's a token invite. I'd call her bluff and accept. Inform her you are bringing someone of your choosing. Dress up to the nines and have a ball to spite her. Get in on as many of the photos as you possibly can. Then erase her from your life totally and forget you ever knew her.

You know this is a great idea. It would be a way for me to feel great about the situation, seeing as I seem to be the only one upset about it.
I love your way of thinking. Hee hee
I love the idea of getting in on as many of the photos as poss - ha!

Mixedup

the only thing is, that if you miss the wedding and everything which you are totally entitled to do considering the way you were treated, and then you make up eventually, i assume after the wedding if you're not there she'll be in touch and you'll probably have it out, if things were to get back on track between you guys, after being friends for so long it would be a shame to miss such an important day?

i dont know maybe im just being sentimental, im the queen of all pushovers when it comes to things like this, but i fell out with my best friend and for about a year things were so awkward, i resented him etc.. but we're really close again now, and i regret all that time we spent hardly knowing each other..
after all these years could you not ring her or write her a letter explaining why you're so mad, and hope to salvage the friendship or is it too far gone?

Redpunto

if you want to continue to friendship then go, if ya want to put it all behind you then decline.

zuroph

think ur being a bit selfcentred urself to be honest.she lives in another country, and has her own life over there. she is about to join a new family and embark on a new life. she has kept in contact, ableit only a litte, but you dont know if she's busy or what. You seem quite the clingy person, and maybe subconsciously a little resentful of her getting married.

She invited you and has text you a good few times. maybe she thought ur were being too clingy and tried distancing herself for a while, but is texting u cos she misses you???

How about instead of throwing bitchy comments around about her invites, and moaning to anyone who will listen to u about it, you try talking to her?? Ask her is she ok? You dont know whats going on in her life because uv repeatedly said "why is she treating ME this way, how can she do this to ME, why isnt she paying ME attention?".

If you want to bring someone to the wedding ask would it be possible. maybe she didnt give u an invite for 2 cos she cant afford it, or didnt want to put pressure on you to find a date. maybe she's setting u up with someone! JUST TALK TO HER! you've been friends for 20 odd years, surely u can manage that.

If you didnt go to the wedding, its you who's walking away from the friendship, not her.

willy wonka

zuroph wrote: »

you dont know if she's busy or what.

I gave her the benefit of the doubt that she was busy, but everytime I check her facebook, she's messaging people and doing quizzes. I used facebook to contact her (besides calling/emails) but she has ignored them

zuroph wrote: »

a little resentful of her getting married.

Not at all. I was delighted for her. And was thrilled that she asked me to design her wedding for her, but now I see she went ahead and designed it herself

zuroph wrote: »

She invited you and has text you a good few times. maybe she thought ur were being too clingy and tried distancing herself for a while, but is texting u cos she misses you???

I'm not clingy. I expect my friends to treat me the same way I treat them. How can she miss me when she didnt bother to see me over Christmas?

zuroph wrote: »

How about instead of throwing bitchy comments around about her invites,

I've already stated that I am hurt about the way she has been treating me. I don't mean anything by it. Besides it was other posters who suggested the 'bitchy' comments - and TBH these posters were trying to lighten the situation

zuroph wrote: »

If you didnt go to the wedding, its you who's walking away from the friendship, not her.

Sorry? I think she has already walked away from the friendship

zuroph wrote: »

JUST TALK TO HER! you've been friends for 20 odd years, surely u can manage that..

This is what I have been TRYING to do. She has ignored my calls/emails etc. (Please read my initial post before replying)

zuroph

all im saying is she's still texting you, maybe she doesnt realise ur hurt, weddings are a time when all women get caught up in themselves. try talking to her.

edit: I have read ur initial post, several times.

willy wonka wrote: »

In March she sent me a text for my birthday and yesterday I received an invite to her wedding.
, I dont want to continue the friendship.
With what has happened over the last while I think she would be shocked if I didnt go - all the texts she's sent me have been affectionate as if nothing has happened. I am so confused.

we're still in march. and u say she's stil texting...

LegacyUser

I really think that the only way to deal with this situation is to speak to her. There could be a perfectly reasonable answer to it all (even if that does appear unlikely). People sometimes have problems in their personal lives that they don't let anyone know about. If she really has been your friend for as long as you say, then arrange to meet up with her, ask her directly about Christmas and why she is avoiding you and get everything out in the open. That's if you feel your friendship is still worth it...

willy wonka

zuroph wrote: »

all im saying is she's still texting you, maybe she doesnt realise ur hurt, weddings are a time when all women get caught up in themselves. try talking to her.

To be completely honest I am exhausted by the whole situation. At Christmas it was like breaking up with a boyfriend - losing your oldest friend. But last Christmas something happened that I thought I had lost her friendship then so I kind of accepted that the friendship was coming to an end. (We were still friends then but not as good friends as we were years ago)
So I just think it has come to its conclusion.

[In MArch she sent me a one-off birthday text, thats all. She wasnt in regular contact]

zuroph

fair enough,well if you accepted it then let it go.

Lizzykins

I wouldn't bother going if I was you. I've had the same thing happen to me. Texts,emails,calls ignored until they condescend to get in touch and then you're supposed to come running? You must be bloody joking. I have/had a friend whose daughter I'm godmother to. I sent child a birthday present for Xmas and no acknowledgment or even a Christmas card. Another "friend" ignored any number of texts and then sent Xmas card saying "ring anytime". Forget it. Yet another ignored two tets and a phone call and when I run into her is all over me like a rash! "We must meet up-I'll ring you" is her line. Definitely forget it. I used to be pushover but no more!

willy wonka

zuroph wrote: »

fair enough,well if you accepted it then let it go.

Ya I should but it just doesnt seem right not going to your 'best friend's wedding. I have a month to decide anyway

Glowing

I wouldn't just not go, I'd definitely phone her up and get some straight answers from her. After 20 years you deserve better but you do need to be strong and stand up for yourself.

zuroph

well if u feel theres still hope or you dont want her to have something over you, go and see how you feel afterwards. if it was me id go.

Miss Fluff

If you don't want to be friends with her anymore and don't want her in your life then I wouldn't bother attending the wedding tbh, why prolong it if you don't want the friendship to continue? Just say you can't make it, don't bother with lengthy explanations, she will soon get the message.

Auldloon

I have no answers to your questions but i do have a funny story
An ex and old school friend invited me+1 to her wedding. Had not seen or heard from her in years but thought it would be rude to not go. Expected to see lots of our old school pals there but not 1 :eek: My +1 recognised the father of the bride as an ex employee of her dads who had been fired. He obviously recognised her and we were blanked by her whole family. Feeling a bit awkard at the situation my +1 got completely hammered took over the dancefloor, fellover and had to be carried off. Dont think it helped that she was stunning and kept trying to pop into all the photos either.:)

lonely heart

Single invites seem to be the in thing now - and I wonder if they are token invites, or if they are single invites?

I have to say, that I don't agree with them, they are inviting one person now - due to cost, but if one day, its your turn to get married, then you have to bring the couple back - so you have to bring the two. yo can't just invite one of them:)

Anyways - I have to admit that any time I got single invites - I didn't go. Not out of spite - just because I didn't feel comfortable to go on my own. I would have loved to have gone. I missed one of my best friends weddings because of this, and made up an excuse about work.

If I had to do it again, I would have just told her what the reason was.

I have to say, I think you should ask her if you can bring a friend - and if you can't fair enough - leave it at that.

But if you can at all, I would say go to the wedding. As Zuroph stated - none of us know what is going on in anyone elses life, and organising weddings are a busy and stressful time . Sure so what if she spends time on Facebook. Sure sometimes I do the same just to space out. It can be very addictive :):) Doesn't mean that I am not busy.

Life is too short for fighting. I would say go, and at least you made the effort to maintain the friendship. If you don't go, and at the very least don't talk to her about it -you are ending the friendship.

For the record - my best friend, and i , friends since we were 7 - fell out at 13 over a stupid stupid teenage thing. A few years ago, long story, but we made up, and I regret all those years I lost - as she is truely my best friend.

None of us know whats going on in other peoples lives - I really think you should think about going. Then you will have no regrets :)

Wishing you all the best