would like to sex up the girlfriend

bpsod10

Hi, I am going out with my girlfriend for 2 years and she is easy going, good looking, and decent. However we don't have sex that often. She is not into me performing oral sex, masturbation or any non missionary acts with her. I think this in unusual in todays world but I still respect her for it. Anyhow, what is happening is lately I'm losing interset in her, she always wears the same clothes old fashioned and is making no attempt to get in shape.
I wish she would dress with sexy clothes, like alot of the fashion women wear today. However I can't really talk to her and say these things to her as you gathered from the first paragraph, she is not that type.
Any tips, advice help, would be much appreciated.

fits

bpsod10 wrote: »

.... she always wears the same clothes old fashioned and is making no attempt to get in shape.
.

This and the fact that she wont stray from missionary and the low libido etc suggests to me that she could be hiding herself and her body.

Do you reckon she feels good about herself?

The Sweeper

Alternatively, if she's not the type of girl you want to be with, split up with her and find the type of girl you DO want to be with.

Not being cruel, but if your girlfriend doesn't want you to go down on her or touch her, wants only missionary position sex and wants to wear baggy clothes, chances are two things: her confidence is down and she's feeling a bit crap, and she just doesn't want to explore new things sexually.

People shouldn't have to do things they're not comfortable with. If she doesn't want to dress in sexy clothes and perform or receive oral sex, she shouldn't have to. There are billions of people in the world. You go find someone who'll wear sexy clothes and engage in oral sex, and leave her to find someone who's happy with the missionary position.

MCMLXXXIII

When you hang out with her do things that include exersice...even if it's walking to and from places. Also, go out to eat to healthier places or make healthier foods for both of you to eat.

Also, I don't know how old you are or both your situations, but perhaps buying her new clothes (for birthday/holiday/random gifts) might help too.

"Oh, I saw this and thought it would look good on you...here - try it on."

Ickle Magoo

You respect her for being a way you'd rather she wasn't...
Anyway, I think you have three choices, you can put up with the status quo, you can speak to her about it, or you can find someone who suits you better.

Your description of her being "easy going, good looking, and decent" doesn't really inspire & the first thing I thought when I read it was that you aren't exactly head over heels with her.

If she is very, em, conservative, then I can't think of an approach that would really work - she's not going to appreciate a box from Victoria's Secrets or a porn flick...has she said why she doesn't like mutual masturbation or trying different positions? I don't think you have any say in her wardrobe, if my fella suggested I wear something "a bit more revealing", I'd find it a bit sleazy tbh & I'm no prude.

I don't think you're going to be able to turn her into the sex kitten you want unless she wants to become a sex kitten. Maybe if you get to the bottom of why she has a lack of confidence in herself & doesn't want to experiment sexually, then you might see some changes but you really need to talk to her about how you feel & what you want from your relationship.

bpsod10

actually that's a good point about her not feeling good about herself, as she changes in the loo, so I think that is the issue the more I think about it. I reckon, if I could make her feel better about herself she might become more confident.

Overheal

You've been going out for 2 years and she changes in the loo.

Yea, thats a Bingo moment.

Sherifu

Agree with MAJD, it's not that easy to try to change someone.

fits

bpsod10 wrote: »

actually that's a good point about her not feeling good about herself, as she changes in the loo,

changing the loo certainly suggests she's hiding her body.

I reckon, if I could make her feel better about herself she might become more confident.

You cant *make* her feel better about herself, you can talk to her about it (gently) and offer love and support. But the feeling better has to come from her.

I'm unsure about this tbh... using phrases like 'sex-up the girlfriend' when shes changing in the loo makes me wonder if you are very tuned in with each other at all.

The Sweeper

Yeah just a hint - "I want you to wear more revealing clothes and be more sexy because I think you're gorgeous and I'd like us to be going down on each other" - on the face of it that may seem like a compliment to make her feel better about herself, but it'll backfire...

lonely heart

Just wondering, did you ever wonder if its something that you may be doing? Just asking? I am not accusing you of anything. but maybe food for thought.

For instance, do you pass her many compliments - -and actually mean them? or do you critisise her? You may not mean to be critical, but if you are thinking along these lines, maybe this just happens, and you just don't realise.

If you are being critical, then her confidence, or more importantly her trust in you, will diminish.

Do you - talk about previous experiences with past girlfriends? If you are talking about others - her trust in you will diminish as you will talk about her in the same manner.

Do you talk about the experiences between you both with your male friends, and let this slip out in conversation with her?


As another post said - do you ever buy her nice underwear? a gift some nice lingerie - without the expectation of forcing her to do anything.

Do you keep forcing the issue - highlighting the things that she doesn't want to do - and forcing her to do things that she is uncomfortable. Cos if you keep focusing on the negative, then of course you will turn her off completely.

Do you just try to have fun with her, and little by little can introduce something new? Do you ever take her away to nice places?

Have you considered how she feels?

how do you dress yourself? do you think that maybe you could be sexed up?

Do you actually satisfy her at the moment? or do you really know?


At the end of the day, if you do not have trust and respect, then you will not have a relationship. and you have to build trust and respect!


Can i just add, that at the end of the day, you cannot make someone do things that they do not want to do. at the end of the day, people have to be true to themselves. You cannot make someone wear things that they do not feel comfortable. You cannot make them do things that they do not want to do. And you may have to respect, the girls wishes.


If these are the things that you really want, well then just respect her, have a decent heart to heart with her. Maybe you will agree to end it, and find another girl that will do all these things with you.

But remember - a relationship is built on many things - and nice decent people are very hard find - So think very carefully before you loose what you have - on what is really important. You will find a girl who will do all these things - but will they be there for you in other ways.

Also - looks don't last forever! through difficult times in life, there are more than looks to a relationship.

Dudess

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

You respect her for being a way you'd rather she wasn't...

Makes sense to me. He's with her two years and she's not happy to explore with him sexually, nor is she making the most of herself. To me, it's not healthy for a couple to be together after two years and for one of them to be uncomfortable still with certain intimate acts.

But yeah OP, I agree that she might have self esteem issues.

bpsod10

Thanks all for your comments, lonely heart comment made me think alot about it.
I guess there is more to a solid relationship than only sex, so it made me think on the bigger picture.
Thank you

Ickle Magoo

Dudess wrote: »

Makes sense to me. He's with her two years and she's not happy to explore with him sexually, nor is she making the most of herself. To me, it's not healthy for a couple to be together after two years and for one of them to be uncomfortable still with certain intimate acts.

I agree - so why would he respect her for being that way?

Sprouts

You sound like completely different kettles of fish, not telling what to do but i'd beat a hasty retreat if I felt restricted like that, shes sounds kind of victorian, foreplay being, getting the fine China out and having tea and scones :eek:

Dudess

The OP hasn't given any indication that she's "Victorian", just lacking in self esteem and unable to let go. It should be perfectly natural to her at this stage to enjoy all the other delights there are besides the missionary position, but if she was more comfortable in herself she might...

However I don't think labelling her as frigid is any help to anyone. Very few females are simply frigid for no reason.

lonely heart

Hi bpsod10

I wish you the very best with it - you can talk to boards, but don't forget, the most important person to talk to is your girlfriend. As I said, I wish you both all the best.

Sprouts

Dudess? Frumpy clothes, wont do anything a little spicy shall we say, and wont even talk about it, if that ain't Victorian sounding I don't know what is. Of course the chap is gonna lose interest with that. OP, get yourself a new girl, im sure shes lovely and all but you wouldn't have posted here if you hadn't any doubt about her, if youre going to be going out with someone, there can be no doubt, good luck.

zuroph

she has issues with her body. my gf was the same. take time to tell her she's beautiful, work on it slowly, kiss her body, and not just erogenous zones, kiss her back, her neck, lightly touch her, make her feel like ur in awe of her. it takes time for her to start accepting this, at first she will think ur lying. just keep re-assuring her and helping her along, eventually it will improve. communication is key to this, you need to talk to her about how she feels and listen to what she says.

MIN2511

bpsod10 wrote: »

Thanks all for your comments, lonely heart comment made me think alot about it.
I guess there is more to a solid relationship than only sex, so it made me think on the bigger picture.
Thank you

Yes and No

Don't base a relationship on sex, but we need sex to survive(i do anyways)... The bigger picture is she is insecure after 2 years of dating.....
My two pence; buy her sexy lingerie(get the size right!) and suprise her, if she's still shy tell her how you feel. You are only human to want sex
all the best

Beetlebum

I absolutlely love dressing up in sexy lingerie but that wasn't always the case. I used to be very insecure about my body and would get upset if my ex boyfriend suggested watching porn together or unusual positions because it made me feel that he wasn't satisfied with me and by badgering me into doing things I didn't wanna do, he only made things worse.

I started going out with a great guy who showered me with compliments but never pushed me into doing anything I wasn't comfortable with. He started slowly introducing things such as playing with food (cream, honey etc) and would buy me beautiful lingerie and tell me evn the idea of me in it made him hard etc. The key is to make her feel really sexy and in turn she will see herself this way too. Don't put it in a way that suggests you'd find any girl wearing sexy get up sexy, make her feel that's it's HER you want and only she really does it for you.

Good luck, have fun

togster

You really are depriving yourself of many things. Have you ever had mind-blowing amazing sex? I see some of my friends in relationships with girls and they have sex once a month and misionary only. They are so caught up in "having a girlfriend" that they are missing out on a real fullfilling relationship.

Aurora Borealis

It does sound like she doesn't feel that confident at the moment. I know there's been stages in my life where my confidence was totally shot and all of a sudden I couldn't really perform sexually and pulled back from doing things I would normally enjoy. Try and help build her confidence if you can and just talk to her about it. Communication is so so important in a relationship and you really should be able to discuss this type of thing with her yourself.

All this said sex is nowhere near the most important thing in a relationship and it's not always easy to find someone you really connect with so try and work with her as much as you can on this one. It might be that she can feel your frustration and this is causing her to clam up even more. Try taking the focus off all things sexual and spend more time just being in each others company. The sexiest thing in the world is just pressing lips with someone you love. Maybe you need to reconnect on that level first again before you up the ante in bedroom.

Best of luck.


AB.

LegacyUser

Been going out with my girlfriend for about 3.5 years. I am her first sex partner and long term relationship. She is also very insecure when it comes to her body and sex.

When she is in a position that would kinda lead to her going down on me in bed she would always try and avoid it by doing other things instead or with nervous jokes. She doesnt really like me going down on her, doesnt like showing off her body on top (except occasionally), doesnt like doggy style and never masterbates. Obviously she was not comfortable with it.

I would never force her to do anything she was not comfortable with but at the same time two people in a relationship this long should be fully comfortable with each other naked and sexually. I didnt say anything for a while as it is hard to bring it up in such a way that I was not giving out or forcing her to do something she was not comfortable with i.e. I did not want the situation where she would go down on me because she felt she had to and would be so uncomfortable with it that she would not enjoy when we have sex or it would put off sex for fear of having to go down on me again.

I spoke to her about it and she said blow jobs, doggy-style and even her on top with her body exposed etc make her feel slutty and she doesn't like that "look" I have on my face as if I look at her like shes my slut or something. She realised what I was talking about when I told how she seemed to try and avoid those situations.

She is slowly changing as she get more confident and comfortable with sex and her body. I think it definitely helps her when I complement her and make her feel special during the day not just when we are in bed.

I don't think just because a girl has issues with her body or sex that it is enough reason to dump them and find someone more "compatible" sexually. Everyone has issues of some sort. It is a problem if they will not recognise/admit an issue and either work to resolve it or let their other half try and help to resolve the issue together slowly.

So OP, do try and talk about it with your girlfriend. It is an issue in your relationship when you feel like this and don't feel bad just because you think it is an issue. Obviously be gentle when you explain the situation as she might take it up the wrong way. Complement her regularly without going overboard. Let her know why you are going out with her and what you like about her.

As suggested earlier - if you do think she needs to tone up or loose weight then how about going for walks together or the gym together etc. but dont tell her she should do more exercise or something like that. Maybe you could do with more exercise too so ye can do it together.

Just my 2c.

LegacyUser

Hi there,

I am female, and I don't like oral sex. Its nothing to do with confidence at all - for me its hygene. it honestly disgusts me with the thought of putting my mouth around there - and honestly its for hygene reasons. I do not want any weird infections, and I don't want to give them to any one either - esp someone that I love. I would try any position no problem, but the oral sex I just can't do, and I honestly feel that its degrading to ask someone to do that, or for someone to force you to do the same. Thats just me - anything else I would be open to try - but just not that.

lonely heart

I really liked Zuroph and Auroras post.

At the end of the day - it depends on the type of person you are at this moment in time.

Are you at the stage in life where you want a proper relationship, or just someone to mess around with?

If you want a proper relationship, then I think Zuroph and Aurora really have hit it on the head. Yes - sex is important, but there are so many other things around a relationship as well - and sex should not be the deciding factor. If you want a proper relationship, then this will take time to work on - but it will happen - but its hard work.


If you just want someone to mess around with - well there are loads of girls out there who will do all of these things - but will they be there when the chips are down ? will you really connect with them - will they stick around.

If you have any respect for your girlfriend at all, please talk to her, and be genuine. Don't force her into anything. It has to be a 2 way thing. Please just rememember, at the end of the day, you don't miss what you have, until you don't have it any more - and nice genuine girls - that you can really connect with - are hard to find.

Sincerely wishing you all the best, and I really hope everything works out take care

bpsod10

Thanks for the advice folks, I am going to work on it and stick it out, some superb advice that I will use definitely and hopefully we will meet half way.
Cheers

Marksie

You say Op that there are more important things in a realtionship than sex. But a healthy balanced sex life is vital for continued growth.

But one thing that is important is allwoing intimacy to become the norm in the realtionship.
Being able to communicate and allow each other to be open and express insecurities and vulnerabilities.
This appears to eb lacking here after two years.
On the physical level, then, posters who are saying that it is up to your g/friend to change are correct in that she has to want to change herself.
But there is a saynig in my path, if you want your partner to become an ecstatic lover become one yourself.

So take a step well back to the basics...we have no indication here of whether or how you try to prompote and increase in self esteem and intimacy.

One way would be to put aside ideas for the moment of being able to flick a mental switch in her head and suddenly turning her into a tiger in the bedroom.
I find that going to the simple ideas of touch and communication, promoting both closeness, intimacy and openness, as well as a general sense of being wanted loved and cared for.
This may involve he use of massage (non-genital, gentle back initially)and other touching techniques to recreate or create the bond and trust in the first place. I would also involve setting aside the expectations that you would be looking for sex.
But if you can establish adequate communication my guess is she will begin to be able to communicate what is the issues surrounding hre dislike of herself and sexual intimacy.


of course her isseus may be deeper than that, but unless you can undertake yourself to at least start her thinking differently, then things will continue as they are and get worse for you. In teh end it will be a dealbreaker for you like as not.

Ri na hEireann

Annonymous wrote: »

Hi there,

I am female, and I don't like oral sex. Its nothing to do with confidence at all - for me its hygene. it honestly disgusts me with the thought of putting my mouth around there - and honestly its for hygene reasons. I do not want any weird infections, and I don't want to give them to any one either - esp someone that I love. I would try any position no problem, but the oral sex I just can't do, and I honestly feel that its degrading to ask someone to do that, or for someone to force you to do the same. Thats just me - anything else I would be open to try - but just not that.

Do people not wash their nether regions no?