Best way to break up with someone

boardinwork

Hi,

Having a mare. Started going out with a girl about 2 months ago reluctantly. What i mean by that is i felt it was a little soon to jump into a relationship but when she asked me i thought i wouldnt see her again if i said no?

Anyway... I now know that I really dont want a girlfriend! My head is wrecked replying to her texts all day and then she wants to meet up and stay over in mine nearly every night. So i find myself making up excuses emailing in work about stuff i have planned to do that night so that she doesnt come over...

She is a lovely girl. Biggest heart ever, but a bit too intense for me. She already has a toothbrush, shower razor, shower gel, etc etc lying around the place...

Anybody got any ideas of how to break this to her? I am a complete wuss at this stuff... If she puts on the puppy eyes, ill bottle it

AARRRGH

Tell her exactly what you've just told us?

You're not sounding unreasonable...

MIN2511

Hmm, like dublindude said tell her what you have just told us. If you don't want the relationship, stick to your guns about your reasons.
And please don't send her break up texts/emails go over and explain the situation

boardinwork

And please don't send her break up texts/emails go over and explain the situation[/QUOTE]

Would love to! But she has my second bike helmet :pac:

flyingdagger

This will probably sound harsh but grow a pair. If you don't want to be with someone/have a girfriend then bite the bullet and talk to her. Be firm (ie don't leave her thinking there may be a chance of you two getting back together).How can you start going out with someone 'reluctantly'???If you're not interested,end it and walk away.

Miss Fluff

Be honest OP and tell her it has snow-balled into a relationship and that is not what you were looking for and you want to call a halt to it before it gets even heavier, just be honest with the girl but try and be gentle with her too.

Mr. Incognito

This will probably sound harsh but grow a pair

Seriously, it's only been two months, imagine a year down the line, or two. If you're not happy now in the honeymoon faze.......

spinandscribble

this very nearly happened to me once. but we were grown ups and knew if either one of us werent ready for a relationship it wasnt a good idea.
anyway to get to the point explain to her you werent ready but you liked her so much you thought you should give it a go. now you realise it was selfish (which it was btw) and you'll only end up hurting her. she'll probably tell you you were using her, only caring for yourself ect and tbh you were (maybe not the using her part but defo the selfish bit). let her talk, dont get mad and whatever you do dont be a dumby and repeat this again.

Gyalist

spinandscribble has it right. The only thing that I'd add is that you must do it at her place so that you can leave immediately after delivering your little speech. So put all her belongings together and take them over to her and have your little chat. Leave immediately so that you are not manipulated by her tears.

She'll be hurt and upset but she'll get over it.

cjmcork

DON'T do what my ex of 3 years did and do it via text (and this was 7 years ago - so text was very new at the time) - tell her you wanted a casual thing and that you're not ready for a relationship........I'd also agree with Gyalist - do it at her place so you can get the f**k out of there asap........and don't do the 'I'll call ya' ala Chandler Bing - cos you're not gonna do that!...........good luck - I don't envy you!

Rev Hellfire

Send her a text, assuming that is you'll not be needing to see her any time soon.
Short and to the point, none of this 'its not you... its me...' rubbish.

tbh

flyingdagger wrote: »

This will probably sound harsh but grow a pair. If you don't want to be with someone/have a girfriend then bite the bullet and talk to her. Be firm (ie don't leave her thinking there may be a chance of you two getting back together).How can you start going out with someone 'reluctantly'???If you're not interested,end it and walk away.

+1 for that. OP, man up and be straight with the girl. You're in the position you are in now precisely because of your actions up to this point.

What you did was press the sleep button on this relationship. Rather than be straight with her, and risk having nobody to sleep with (right?), you put it off, and quite naturally, she took you at face value and started acting accordingly.

Now, you're stuck in a situation you don't want to be in, and you are obviously starting to resent this girl. She's done nothing wrong, and she'll pick up on your feelings, whether conciously or subconciously, and, given a lack of any other reasons, she'll assume that it's her fault. This is not fair. The ONLY person who can stop that happening is you, and the sooner you do it, the better.

The irony of it is man that if you had been honest with her from the start, she still might have wanted to see you, but she would have taken it more slowly, knowing how you feel about relationships. You might have really liked her.

Anyway, if I sound like I'm having a pop- I'm not. I know the score because I've been in your situation more than once - I'm a slow learner tho.

The other aspect of this is the whole karma situation. Put yourself in her shoes.

you go out, meet a girl you like, spend the night together, she says she wants to keep seeing you, you're calling round a lot cause you like her so much, and all of a sudden, she starts trying to avoid you, her mates are making snide comments, she's starting rows with you all the time...
You'd be thinking "God, could she not just have told me the truth, and stopped me making a tool out of myself?".

And you'd be right. What goes around comes around - treat this girl with the respect you would like to be shown, and tell her straight. It's a hard thing to do, but the right thing usually is, unfortunately.

Clare Bear

Rev Hellfire wrote: »

Send her a text, assuming that is you'll not be needing to see her any time soon.
Short and to the point, none of this 'its not you... its me...' rubbish.

Don't do this!! I got dumped by email/text and it's the sh1ttiest thing ever. OP you at least owe it to her to do it face to face. Dumping someone by text is a complete coward's way out. Best of luck, I don't envy you either.

Rev Hellfire

A text is an excellent way to 'dump' someone, it allows you to compose your thoughts and avoids any potentially confrontational situations which can escalate quite easily. Better for all in the long term.

Anyway best of luck no matter what, keeping it civil is the main thing.

tbh

I'm with the bear on this one. breaking up by text is not cool imo. Unless it's "Dear Baby, welcome to dumpsville, population: you".

cjmcork

remember, this is a SMALL place this little island of ours - you never know when you might have to face her again......

Dragan

Tell her it moving to fast and you want to slow it down/end it.

Man up time i fear.

Clare Bear

Rev Hellfire wrote: »

A text is an excellent way to 'dump' someone, it allows you to compose your thoughts and avoids any potentially confrontational situations which can escalate quite easily. Better for all in the long term.

Anyway best of luck no matter what, keeping it civil is the main thing.

Let me guess, you've done it more than once and it's worked out great....FOR YOU! Unlucky for your ex's.

Liam Byrne

Say it straight out and be honest; I was on the receiving end of all sorts of games, hot/cold crap and attempted "sabotage" in December and it wrecked my head, whereas if she'd been honest with me I'd have said "You sure ?" and we'd have probably had a bit of a chat and stayed at least some level of "friends".

But it ended up with me - texting - to say "OK, I give up, I'm admitting defeat" ......does that count as a "dump by text" ??? I don't view it as that coz from my point of view she'd already done it (even if she didn't know it).

But despite the crap I'd put up with (plus maybe the fact that - at the time - I didn't want to give up on it) I still didn't like doing it.....so don't do that. But don't lead her on or mess with her head either.....

If you're honest and respect someone you can get through pretty much anything......

DiscoHugh

Clare Bear wrote: »

Let me guess, you've done it more than once and it's worked out great....FOR YOU! Unlucky for your ex's.

He has a point though.If you have no desire to have anything to with him/her again and dont believe in karma, Why not weasel your way out of it? Weaseling out of things is what separates us from the animals... (except the weasel)


Note: I personally have never and would never do this, must be this Catholic upbringing guilt

But if you have no problem with it, then why not reap ALL the benefits of the wonders of technology??

Loopy

Rev Hellfire wrote: »

A text is an excellent way to 'dump' someone, .

Oh please, get real.. The poor girl will be gutted. At least have the balls after 2 months to meet up and be honest with her. It wont be pleasant but its the honourable thing to do.. Texting is the cowardly way out.

Clare Bear

DiscoHugh wrote: »

He has a point though.If you have no desire to have anything to with him/her again and dont believe in karma, Why not weasel your way out of it? Weaseling out of things is what separates us from the animals... (except the weasel)


Note: I personally have never and would never do this, must be this Catholic upbringing guilt

But if you have no problem with it, then why not reap ALL the benefits of the wonders of technology??

Because the girl deserves at least a tiny ounce of respect? I've had it done to me and while I knew it was coming (the break up) it made me lose all respect for him and I'll always look back on him as that spineless little boy who dumped me by text/email. I'm friends with all of my ex's bar him. I'm not bitter (couldn't give a shi.te now, glad to be out of it and have found my match so that's not the issue) but I still think it was a cowardly way to do it. Break ups are never nice, at least have the balls to do it face to face.

Good luck OP if you haven't already done it.

Dave!

There's no easy (nice) way to do it... just to the point and accept she'll be upset, then leave.

Eviledna

Show her this thread?:)

Ah no, just kidding, don't dump her by text or karma will come and bite you in the ass. Everyone has to have 'the speech' at some stage, so just be a decent human being and give her the respect she deserves by levelling with her.

Remember, you never know who she knows, so the love of your life may very well be in some way connected to her. If you dump her in a nasty way, there's no telling what kind of unknown reprocussions could arise. If you pride yourself on being a good person, then be one.

cuckoo

DaveMcG wrote: »

There's no easy (nice) way to do it... just to the point and accept she'll be upset, then leave.

Exactly.

Cuckoo's Short Guide to Breaking Up with Someone:

1) location - their place. please, spare the soon-to-be-ex (STBE) the humiliation of crying while walking home. Not in/on bed.

2) straight away when they open the door - "we need to talk". don't have a 2 hour conversation/meal/sex session and then break the news. this is cruel and unusual treatment of the STBE, they will torture themselves replaying the conversation/meal/sex session wondering what they did wrong.

3) but....there is one exception to the straight away rule. if the STBE looks upset when they open the door do take the 2 minutes to check that no relative has just died or anything. if so, delay the dumping until another time.

4) keep the cliches to a minimum

5) don't say "i'm not in the right place for a relationship right now". really - don't, because if you do meet the person of your dreams a week later you'll be making a liar of yourself when you couple up with them. also, this leaves the STBE possibly hoping that it's a 'just now' problem and that you two will get back together soon in the future. messy.

6) as said upthread - ireland is a small place. a reputation for cruel or inept dumpings can follow someone around.

7) and finally, be kind. firm, but kind. and, if they are upset accept it. i once was told while being dumped "don't be upset like that - you're making me feel bad". My response to that involved a high level of hysteria.

Note: this guidelines apply to a 'i'm just not that into you anymore' dumping, there are different rules for a 'you cheater/pychopath/thief/u gave me a STI' dumping.

Xavi6

Dumping by text is the lowest of the low tbh.

Actually scratch that, dumping them via bebo comment would probably be worse.....

dr.bollocko

Well. It would be worse to be dumped on a radio or tv show. Or dumped by skywriting, or a plane hauling a message behind it. Or getting one of your friends to call them and dump them. That really is bad.

boardinwork

Just thought id let you all know that i ended up moving two wardrobes last night in hers and leaving rather than have the guts to say it to her!

It was impossible! She was in her pjs and slippers (all 5 foot, 7 stone of her) and limping slightly from when a fall she had last weekend. She was also being so nice!

Anyway i legged it after and she texted me saying i was acting weird. We have arranged to meet up tomorrow and talk about "us"...

I'm sure ill do it then

BaZmO*

boardinwork wrote: »

Just thought id let you all know that i ended up moving two wardrobes last night in hers and leaving rather than have the guts to say it to her!

It was impossible! She was in her pjs and slippers (all 5 foot, 7 stone of her) and limping slightly from when a fall she had last weekend. She was also being so nice!

Anyway i legged it after and she texted me saying i was acting weird. We have arranged to meet up tomorrow and talk about "us"...

I'm sure ill do it then

Ouch.

You still gotta tell her though. As you've said already, she has some of her things in your house so it's not as if you've just met and you can ignore her and God forbid dump via text. I'm not sure if I believe in Karma per sé but when it comes to relationships I'm not so sure, these things have a way of coming around and biting you in the áss!

I've had "the talk" plenty of times and it's never easy but it's better in the long run because you're not giving the other person any hope that maybe one day you might get back together.

When you talk to her just make sure you know what you want to say beforehand and try to keep it simple and try not to get into a protracted debate on the wheres, whys and whatfors as you'll just end up confusing the issue and tbh talking sh1te.

There's never a good time for the talk but the sooner you do the sooner you (and her) can move on with your life.

MIN2511

Sounds like you don't have the guts/balls to break up with her.

boardinwork

MIN2511 wrote: »

Sounds like you don't have the guts/balls to break up with her.

No its more i dont want to upset her ok? I will do it because i know i have to...

St Bill

cuckoo wrote: »

Cuckoo's Short Guide to Breaking Up with Someone:

1) location - their place. please, spare the soon-to-be-ex (STBE) the humiliation of crying while walking home. Not in/on bed.

2) straight away when they open the door - "we need to talk". don't have a 2 hour conversation/meal/sex session and then break the news. this is cruel and unusual treatment of the STBE, they will torture themselves replaying the conversation/meal/sex session wondering what they did wrong.

3) but....there is one exception to the straight away rule. if the STBE looks upset when they open the door do take the 2 minutes to check that no relative has just died or anything. if so, delay the dumping until another time.

4) keep the cliches to a minimum

5) don't say "i'm not in the right place for a relationship right now". really - don't, because if you do meet the person of your dreams a week later you'll be making a liar of yourself when you couple up with them. also, this leaves the STBE possibly hoping that it's a 'just now' problem and that you two will get back together soon in the future. messy.

6) as said upthread - ireland is a small place. a reputation for cruel or inept dumpings can follow someone around.

7) and finally, be kind. firm, but kind. and, if they are upset accept it. i once was told while being dumped "don't be upset like that - you're making me feel bad". My response to that involved a high level of hysteria.

Note: this guidelines apply to a 'i'm just not that into you anymore' dumping, there are different rules for a 'you cheater/pychopath/thief/u gave me a STI' dumping.

This should be a sticky!

Clare Bear

boardinwork wrote: »

No its more i dont want to upset her ok? I will do it because i know i have to...

Ah yeah it's a hard thing to do, better sooner than later though, good luck.

I-Bleed-White

I know this sounds a smidge harsh but I live by the logic of ignoring a problem makes it go away. Just stop answering her calls, texts and emails. Blank her. She will be hurt but get the picture leading to absolutly no awkward moments for you. The problem with texts is they are impersonal. Blanking someone full stop is very personal.

tbh

I-Bleed-White wrote: »

I know this sounds a smidge harsh but I live by the logic of ignoring a problem makes it go away. Just stop answering her calls, texts and emails. Blank her. She will be hurt but get the picture leading to absolutly no awkward moments for you. The problem with texts is they are impersonal. Blanking someone full stop is very personal.

a smidge? It's sounds pathetic, to be perfectly honest. The problem is, I'd say you've never been on the receiving end of this treatment.

Dave!

Doesn't sound like he had the opportunity to be, tbh.....

campervan

I-Bleed-White wrote: »

I know this sounds a smidge harsh but I live by the logic of ignoring a problem makes it go away. Just stop answering her calls, texts and emails. Blank her. She will be hurt but get the picture leading to absolutly no awkward moments for you. The problem with texts is they are impersonal. Blanking someone full stop is very personal.

muppet in my opinion

flyingdagger

+1 to what campervan said. Do you feel proud of yourself I Bleed White?You actually encourage that sort of disrespectful behaviour?The 'logic'??It's the opposite of logic imo. I'm shocked that there are still emotionally stunted individuals who will run away from an issue instead of dealing with it in an adult fashion.People like that make my f***ing blood boil.

Aurora Borealis

+ infinity

RedXIV

dumping sucks and everybody knows it. Now i'm happy enough to say i never dumped anyone but i've been dumped sh*t loads of times (......wonder what that says for me ) but i've got it through a text, the ignore tactic and a letter?!? Now i'm too lazy to hold a grudge but i've nothing but respect for the one girl that asked to meet me in a cafe, paid for everything and sat me down to explain why she was unhapppy where she was. I learned loads from her and happily haven't made same mistakes again. She's still a good friend too. Lesson to be learned here is that it's worth it to do the face to face thing

colly10

DiscoHugh wrote: »

But if you have no problem with it, then why not reap ALL the benefits of the wonders of technology??

Because there's alot to be said for not being a prick, if your going to go out with someone you should have enough respect for them to treat them better than that.
If you get rid of someone by text then they are not able to question why. If you do it face to face they can ask you questions when you answer them it's better for them in the long run. The worst thing about being broken up with is when you can't understand why

boardinwork wrote: »

No its more i dont want to upset her ok? I will do it because i know i have to......
It was impossible! She was in her pjs and slippers (all 5 foot, 7 stone of her) and limping slightly from when a fall she had last weekend. She was also being so nice!

Your right, its not about having balls but you have to do it soon, the longer you leave it the more difficult it gets and the more attached to you she'll get ... I don't envy ye

Mazeire

I-Bleed-White wrote: »

I know this sounds a smidge harsh but I live by the logic of ignoring a problem makes it go away. Just stop answering her calls, texts and emails. Blank her. She will be hurt but get the picture leading to absolutly no awkward moments for you. The problem with texts is they are impersonal. Blanking someone full stop is very personal.

Seeing however as she is a flesh and blood human being with feelings and not "a problem" thats pure BS.
Actually thats a really daft way to go through life in general. I mean what happens with credit card bilss etc? Ignore them until the bailiffs come banging on the door?

AthAnRi

In the words of Paul Simon. There must be 50 ways to leave your lover.

Rev Hellfire

colly10 wrote: »

If you get rid of someone by text then they are not able to question why. If you do it face to face they can ask you questions when you answer them it's better for them in the long run. The worst thing about being broken up with is when you can't understand why

You're implying that when a person does it face to face that somehow its all magically understood and handled in a rational manner. That is typically not the case.
Using an impersonal technique like a text prevents the ‘victim’ from applying emotional pressure and in extreme cases the potential of violence.
Like all things in life it’s not a one size fits all and there certainly is a case for using text messages or other proxies to deliver the news.

colly10

Rev Hellfire wrote: »

You're implying that when a person does it face to face that somehow its all magically understood and handled in a rational manner. That is typically not the case.

Not magically understood, they ask a question you answer, they'll ask another on that you answer, after a while there'll be noting left to say. It'd be better that in say 2 weeks time when they think back on it (for example) they have some understanding rather than still having no idea whatsoever if it was something they done on ye or did ye find someone else or whatever

Mazeire

Rev Hellfire wrote: »

You're implying that when a person does it face to face that somehow its all magically understood and handled in a rational manner. That is typically not the case.
Using an impersonal technique like a text prevents the ‘victim’ from applying emotional pressure and in extreme cases the potential of violence.
Like all things in life it’s not a one size fits all and there certainly is a case for using text messages or other proxies to deliver the news.

I think that you are stretching to extremes here to justify what in this case would be pure cowardice. The OPS gf sounds like a really nice girl not some violent monster. He himself has said as much. She deserves some repect.

boardinwork

RedXIV wrote: »

dumping sucks and everybody knows it. Now i'm happy enough to say i never dumped anyone but i've been dumped sh*t loads of times (......wonder what that says for me ) but i've got it through a text, the ignore tactic and a letter?!? Now i'm too lazy to hold a grudge but i've nothing but respect for the one girl that asked to meet me in a cafe, paid for everything and sat me down to explain why she was unhapppy where she was. I learned loads from her and happily haven't made same mistakes again. She's still a good friend too. Lesson to be learned here is that it's worth it to do the face to face thing

Trust me, i have been brought up well enough to have a conscience. Ill do the right thing tomorrow - Cheers. :rolleyes: