I want to give her up... but can't

LegacyUser

I was doing good on my own. I was happy enough, and had sorted all of my unhappiness / depression from the past and had moved on.

My girlfriend is from a very troubled family. They all go to counsellors regularly and are often depressed, crying, troubled, and endlessly creating problems for themselves. I thought she was different but after two years I've realised she is very troubled as well. I won't go into the gory details, but anyone who is familiar with the combination of being from a disadvantaged background combined with a dysfunctional family/abuse, know what effects both of those things can have on a child growing and developing their confidence and self-belief. Now at the age of 26, so many things have gone unchecked for so long... I sometimes wonder if the damage to my gf is too bad.

Now I need to go to a counsellor because her issues are getting really difficult for me to deal with (anxiety, eating disorders, physical symptoms/headaches, worry, anger, debilitating fear, bad body image). I've never seen a family like this, with so much childhood abuse, animousity, crying, spousal control, unhealthy attitudes, etc. It has all gone unchecked for so long and they just seem to accept that way of living. I don't accept it. I don't calim that my family are perfect or anything, but perhaps there is a difference of culture in many ways that is hard to deal with.. in any case, that is not the issue. The issue is how it is directly affecting my peace of mind.

In the last two years, without going into all the gory details, it has become clear for me that my girlfriend still has a long way to go before she moves out of the darkness... getting a degree and having a great career have not helped her at deeper levels of her consciousness. I'm not judging her, but she has promised so many times that she will "get things sorted" but now I think that problem is NOT that she doesn't want to get better... it's that she can't, and not for the lack of trying. She has gone to hypnotherapy and is receiving counselling as well (almost all of her family are doing counselling).

So now I've realised that if I want to be completely at peace and happy, I may need to leave. I was fine before this relationship, I can be fine again...

But I can't leave.. I still love her so much, for all her faults. I love being with her and she is my love, my obsession and the spark we have together is amazing. Sometimes I think all the misery is worth it just because nobody makes me feel as electric as she does sometimes. She is not always going through her issues, sometimes she is fine. But once or twice a month the misery and panic creeps in and I know it's not her fault, but it does affect me. It makes me so sad when I see that she is so very far from the light... and the patterns of abuse that took place in her childhood may never release her fully, to let her live completely.

What can I do.. knowing that I am in danger of being pulled back into my unhappiness or depression if I stay with her?

I know giving her up would help me a lot. And some of you will just say I should get out - but honestly, something is stopping me. That is why I am writing this. Sometimes even if you know something isn't good for you, you will do it anyway. I don't drink, smoke, take drugs or any intoxicants... maybe this toxic relationship is my vice?

Aurora Borealis

You can't fix other people's problem and your happiness should be your number one concern. I know the kind of love you're talking about, sparks etc but sometimes that's not healthy either and can take over your life leaving little room for anything else which, when it burns out which it often does as it's not sustainable, can leave you with some gaping wide holes. My advice would be to step back from this but by all means tell your girlfriend you'll still be there as a friend but that you just need to take some time for yourself for a while. You'll know then when you've taken this time whether it is toxic.

Good luck.

AB.

LegacyUser

Aurora Borealis wrote: »

You can't fix other people's problem and your happiness should be your number one concern. I know the kind of love you're talking about, sparks etc but sometimes that's not healthy either and can take over your life leaving little room for anything else which, when it burns out which it often does as it's not sustainable, can leave you with some gaping wide holes. My advice would be to step back from this but by all means tell your girlfriend you'll still be there as a friend but that you just need to take some time for yourself for a while. You'll know then when you've taken this time whether it is toxic.

Good luck.

AB.

Thanks so much for your advice. And I know what you've said is right, but I also know I'm probably not going to take your advise. My gf would probably have a panic attack if I told her I wanted a break. The thing that scares her most in the world is the notion of us not being together - she has her heart set on it. At the moment we only see each other on weekends and if we are a weekend apart for whatever reason, we both miss each other a lot. We've made plans for the future and talked about how we'd like to live and marry someday and have kids. So a "break" would be something that would scare the living hell out of her.

And there is also the fact that I still have a little faith... despite the fact that she has serious deep rooted issues, I still have some faith that she might some day decide to come out if it, at a deep level. I believe that if somebody decides to come out of misery seriously, then they can. Anybody can, it's a fact. But it takes changes in your lifestyle. So far, I think she wants to come out of her misery but she isn't yet willing or able to make the serious changes to her thinking and way of life yet, so she will not be successful in her attempts to leave the misery behind... I know - I was there in the past (although it wasn't as severe).

We had planned a trip to australia after the summer.. yay or nay?? It could be just what we need, and maybe being away from her family is just what she needs to get away from those dangerous patterns of abuse and painful memories and influences??

On a side note - can anyone reccommend a good councellor for me in Galway?

impr0v

Be aware of the possibility that her particular set of needs and 'issues' (I hate that term) may gel with some that you have. For example, you may have some sort of need to rescue people from themselves or their circumstances, a pattern of behaviour that formed earlier on in your life, and sub-consciously or consciously, you now see yourself in that position with this particular girl.

The fact that you are asking re a councellor (may be completely unrelated) would suggest that you are taking on her problems as your own, which they most certainly aren't. You say that she would possibly have a panic attack if you mentioned a break up and, though it may sound harsh, it's not really for you to consider what her reaction might be if a break up would be the best thing. Sometimes one has to take the selfish approach and look out for number 1, because some relationships are simply destructive to one or both parties.

You've mentioned children and marriage. Individuals whom have suffered the degree of damage which it sounds like this particular girl has should not bring children into the world until they have addressed their problems and dealt with them as best they can. Similarly, I can't see her being part of a stable marital arrangement if she can barely live with herself.

It would seem to me that this comes down to a judgement call on your behalf. Can you realistically see her resolving her issues, and becoming a stable, emotionally mature individual, who is at peace with herself? If not, can you see yourself shouldering the burden of her problems, as well as any you may have yourself, for an indefinite period? The sense of powerlessness which comes from dealing with problems which you simply can't solve will slowly swallow you up and give you a very poor quality of life.

Anyway, best of luck.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the response. More quality than quantity it seems:)

Thank you for asking me these hard questions...

impr0v wrote: »

Be aware of the possibility that her particular set of needs and 'issues' (I hate that term) may gel with some that you have. For example, you may have some sort of need to rescue people from themselves or their circumstances, a pattern of behaviour that formed earlier on in your life, and sub-consciously or consciously, you now see yourself in that position with this particular girl.

You're very quick... yes, I have in the past been fatally attracted to troubled and depressed girls who had a history of abuse in their lives. A pattern definitely seems to be emerging in my life, and I'm aware of this attraction right back into my early teens. I've tried to "go straight", and have gone out with normal, centred, confident, well-rooted individuals as well, but it didn't work out.. possibly because there was a distinct lack of "spark"? I realised that I was indeed attracted to girls with issues for whatever reason. I don't understand the magnetic draw but I am certainly aware of it. If I could change it I would, believe me. At times I have gotten really angry with myself and my obsession with these skinny, insecure image obsessed girls... but the attraction remains. I could go so far as to call it a perversion of sorts, because in itself it is an abnormal attraction.

The fact that you are asking re a councellor (may be completely unrelated) would suggest that you are taking on her problems as your own, which they most certainly aren't. You say that she would possibly have a panic attack if you mentioned a break up and, though it may sound harsh, it's not really for you to consider what her reaction might be if a break up would be the best thing. Sometimes one has to take the selfish approach and look out for number 1, because some relationships are simply destructive to one or both parties.

I just care about her and I'm hoping she can recover, that's all. The thought of what she's going through scares me and makes me feel miserable. The tension she goes through sometimes damages our good times together, and of course this affects me. I'm not taking on her problems as such, but in our relationship they do affect me because, at the end of the day, I just want her to be happy. If she can't, I find it harder to be.

You've mentioned children and marriage. Individuals whom have suffered the degree of damage which it sounds like this particular girl has should not bring children into the world until they have addressed their problems and dealt with them as best they can. Similarly, I can't see her being part of a stable marital arrangement if she can barely live with herself.

I totally agree. But there are times she shows maturity and responsibility. Her job is demanding and she deals with children every day as a teacher. She has been held up by students and teachers alike as one of the best out there, and she gets amazing results from her classes. She can take a bad class and turn them into high achievers. I respect her for all that... it might not directly do me any good, but she has abilities and skills.

It would seem to me that this comes down to a judgement call on your behalf. Can you realistically see her resolving her issues, and becoming a stable, emotionally mature individual, who is at peace with herself?

She is very intelligent, and has convinced me in the past that this had happened. Maybe she believed it herself, but she can certainly play at being stable, emotionally mature, at peace. It's when the cracks appear that I wonder if it's all an act, and if there is tension behind it all the time. She is an expert at hiding things, e.g. an eating disorder. She doesn't outright lie if I ask her stuff, but she will mislead and deceive me sometimes, and make me feel all is ok. This is how she has dealt with things all the way through her life, and obviously she thinks it's the way to go...

can you see yourself shouldering the burden of her problems, as well as any you may have yourself, for an indefinite period? The sense of powerlessness which comes from dealing with problems which you simply can't solve will slowly swallow you up and give you a very poor quality of life.
Anyway, best of luck.

No I honestly can't. I have my own sh1t to deal with, and I was getting on very well, thank you very much. But I can't take on any more stuff because.. well, life is just too short. A part of me says "I don't want to spend one more minute of my life dealing with anyone who is too blind to see that there is a way out of misery, because life is just too short for all that"... then another part of me says "Give her another few months.. another year, things are bound to improve over time as she settles down".. But nearly 1.5 years ago I posted a message on here about the relationship, and a guy told me to leave it, cos the issues she has don't "just go away". He was right. I don't know if I should cut my losses now and just "move on", or continue to invest my time and emotionally in this relationship... with the possibility that she will have an epiphany! She keeps acting like it's happening, and that she's on the verge of solving all her issues after the hypnotherapy (which I begged her to try 1 year ago) and counselling, but it's getting like the girl who cried wolf...

I'm a gemini by the way, could explain a few things if you believe in all that

littlefriend

What do you mean by she needs to make changes to her way of life? I ask as it might help you get better answers if you are more specific--I mean does she drink/do drugs/self harm/steal or whatever...someone here might have some relevant experience they could pass on to you ways of coping or direct you to someone who can help.

estar

maybe you both are attracted to what is damaged in each of you
and thats why you both understand each other

it sounds like a claustrophobic intense relationship

some people love these types of relationships

i personally would find it draining. professionals that are detached
help people with issues. healing can rarely happen in a relationship.

you have answered your own question though. you can leave her
but you just dont want to

why cant you tell her how you feel, and discuss it openly?

this should be possible in a well functioning relationship.

i love you but sometimes im scared for the future because of xyz
and i wish you would take these issues out of the relationship
and deal with them with a professional.

as for the family, they will always be there, you will always be dealing
with them as long as she does.

love me, tolerate my family. thats usually how it goes.

listening to a partner and their troubles is part of the deal when you
are going out with someone. but they shouldnt always be in trouble.

SarahMc

It sounds like a very unhealthy co-dependent relationship to me.

"And some of you will just say I should get out" yep, thats me.

I really do not think your gf will get better within this relationship, or any relationship.

To use a plumbing analogy, people are either drains or radiators, you have hinted at a past history of depression yourself, so you need to be careful to surround yourself with radiators, people who bring out the best in you (and I don't mean the rescuer/nurse).

Aurora Borealis

OP in response to your question looking for a good counsellor, Proconsult on cooke's corner are good.


This is unhealthy and you seem to acknowledge that. You would be doing the best for yourself and your girlfriend if you stopped this cycle. You are in essence facilitating her staying in her situation by staying in the relationship.
Of course her situation affects you too. You can't help that if you love someone that much but that doesn't mean it's noble or something to stay stuck in it. Some people no matter how much they love each other bring out the worst in each other and can not change the dynamic their relationship has. It hasn't changed in the year and a half and unless you're both going to go to counselling to iron out both your problems and really committ to the challenge that would represent it won't. I do think that you know deep down yourself whether this could work. Listen to your gut feeling on it and heed the advice you might give someone else if they were in this situation.

LegacyUser

Thanks again for the helpful responses..

To use a plumbing analogy, people are either drains or radiators, you have hinted at a past history of depression yourself, so you need to be careful to surround yourself with radiators, people who bring out the best in you (and I don't mean the rescuer/nurse).

That's an excellent quote - is it your own? I will remember this one and take it with me. In fact... deep down I already knew this, but you've put it wonderfully above. And it really is as simple as that at the end of the way. Through my own experience, I'm realising this truth more and more.

Aurora Borealis wrote: »

This is unhealthy and you seem to acknowledge that. You would be doing the best for yourself and your girlfriend if you stopped this cycle. You are in essence facilitating her staying in her situation by staying in the relationship.

But is it not possible for her to get healing while she is in this relationship? I mean, if she does what she needs to do to help her take control of her "issues", surely being in a relationship won't hinder that? She's already told me that she's come on leaps and bounds during the time she was in the relationship, and was much worse off before hand...

Of course her situation affects you too. You can't help that if you love someone that much but that doesn't mean it's noble or something to stay stuck in it. Some people no matter how much they love each other bring out the worst in each other and can not change the dynamic their relationship has.

That's the thing - in general we bring out the best in each other. She says I've made her a better person. And I think she's made me a more compassionate person because I've had to practice non-judgement and acceptance a lot in the relationship. That challenge has made me a better, more accepting person. But the intensity of the relationship sometimes, for her, means putting pressure, tension and stress on herself to make sure everything is perfect. And when her "issues" pop up, she tries to hide them or make them go away...buries them. Their power multiplies and they come up whether she likes it or not at some stage.

It hasn't changed in the year and a half and unless you're both going to go to counselling to iron out both your problems and really committ to the challenge that would represent it won't. I do think that you know deep down yourself whether this could work. Listen to your gut feeling on it and heed the advice you might give someone else if they were in this situation.

I do a lot of healing through a technique that gets great results, so to an extent I feel like I'm fulfilling my side of the bargain and dealing with my stuff. Sometimes I resent the fact that she won't commit herself to a healing technique the way I do (it takes a lot of work, time effort) because she needs it 10 times as much as I do.. sometimes I just think she's lazy when it comes to dealing with her issues and she may never conquer them because her attitude isn't right.

I know she *wants* to sort things out but when it comes to the real issie - *hard work and committment to your healing, continuity of practice* then she fails. She is great for a few weeks and then lets it slip, and drifts back into her misery. [I'm referring here to healing stuff she did as a part of her hypnotherapy, and for me I'm referring to daily meditation].

Estar - you are probably right. We're probably attracted to the damaged part in each of us. Sometimes I wonder if a year out for us to both do other things would help? I would love to go to Oz.. we'd planned to go together but it would be even better if we sorted stuff. We have already tried professionals, and yes we discuss and talk about all this openly. At christmas I told her I couldn't deal with it anymore, and was on the verge of leaving. She said she's make big changes... she hasn't really... but I keep giving her chances because I love her. I don't mind dealing with the family, I get on fine with them. I just wish they didn't make her so miserable.

"i love you but sometimes im scared for the future because of xyz
and i wish you would take these issues out of the relationship
and deal with them with a professional."

Yes, I have said the above, and she is going to make an extra effort now and is going to a counsellor next week.

Littlefriend - I just mean making a real committment to healing, which always involved changes to your lifestyle. Maybe what you read, what you do, stuff you get organised in, getting out and about and meeting new people (stuff she shies away from somewhat). You need to make a real change in yourself to heal - I have found this myself when I went through my healing, but it all came naturally and I enjoyed the change.

Victor

suprabad wrote: »

That's the thing - in general we bring out the best in each other. She says I've made her a better person. And I think she's made me a more compassionate person because I've had to practice non-judgement and acceptance a lot in the relationship.

I do a lot of healing through a technique that gets great results, so to an extent I feel like I'm fulfilling my side of the bargain and dealing with my stuff. Sometimes I resent the fact that she won't commit herself to a healing technique the way I do (it takes a lot of work, time effort) because she needs it 10 times as much as I do.. sometimes I just think she's lazy when it comes to dealing with her issues and she may never conquer them because her attitude isn't right.

In the previous paragraph you said you weren't judgemental.

Note: one persons healing technique is another's alternative medicine is another's quackery.

LegacyUser

What is judgemental about that? I'm going on experience - I work hard on myself to keep myself sane and balanced, and I don't let my issues affect her as much as I possibly can. She exposes herself to all manner of negative energy and takes part in thought processes that can only bring misery and as a result is miserable around me.. I'm not judging her based on this, I'm just observing an observable, measurable fact! If I was judging her I'd be calling her names and putting her in boxes and ... would probably have left long ago.

I believe everybody has their own path to healing, and I'm not going to judge her or put her in a box and say "you must do this technique, to get that result, in that space of time, or else you're dumped". It's just sometimes.. feck it, it's hard to sit by and watch...

nmk

suprabad wrote: »

I believe everybody has their own path to healing.

Maybe you're not something that will contribute to her further healing. I'm not being harsh and the radiator/drains metaphor is an awesome way of depicting both your situations, she with her disadvantaged/troubled kids, you with your "skinny, image obsessed depressives" or whatever term you had for your "perversion". She's dealt with a lot worse than a break-up by the sounds of things and every now and then we need to turn off the radiator to tend to our own needs.

I had issues growing up which I'm still coming through, the relationship with my now husband has aided my own self healing and development immensely. The only reason he was able to support me through the process of coming to terms with the past is because we are extremely compatible and right for each other in a myriad of ways, not because he saw me as a "project". I had to do the work myself, if I didn't it certainly would not have been good for the relationship. I'm sure that my husband would have found it difficult to continue with me if I didn't deal with underlying issues, in a way that was motivation for me, not something to fear.

The final point that I'd like to make to you is that I noticed that a lot of repressed issues came up for me when I was in the comfort and security of a great relationship. Dealing with issues that came up while we were together, the mere fact that someone who loved me was questioning my reactions to certain family interactions prompted me to protect myself more from hurt and maybe not be as sensitive to things involving them. Past memories/issues that reverberated into our present were explored as they typically resulted in behaviours/emotions that were not the most productive or balanced. I never had the opportunity before him to deal with the issues a tough upbringing has on an intimate relationship.

If you're going to continue with this girl you need to be open and honest with her and tell her how her behaviour affects you, without placing demands or implying expectations you have. The past is the past, she's moved on in so many aspects of her life, if your future is together you need to support her healing, not act as a crutch to her failing coping skills or as an admonisher of her rate/method of dealing with things.

Hth and I hope that your girlfriend gets things together for herself. Personally, I know that if my husband had accepted negative behaviours from me as "Oh well, she had it tough" I wouldn't have grown as a person to overcome them. I do think we would have separated if I hadn't been at the stage of readiness to manage things that I was and maybe your relationship has run its course.

NMK

Bricriu

Hi Suprabad,

I can empathise with a lot of what you described in your messages. I was nearly always attracted to women who had problems, and that 'spark' of intensity. 'Normal' women bored me. Unfortunately, I always ended up exhausting myself trying to help and heal them, and getting very little back. I found out a couple of years ago out I was Co-dependent (a caretaker who directs his/her energy into looking after others' problems instead of one's own) after attending a course in Chrysalis Healing Centre in Wicklow.

I'm now in a 12-step programme to change myself and to look after myself. Please have a look at the patterns of Co-dependency (Google will find them for you).

Best of luck.

stackerman

Suprabad,
Without going into too much detail... I have been there and done that, was always attracted to women who had that intensity and most of the time it was for the same sort of reasons you talk about. I even married the last one, a nightmare ! I still Love her, but it can and could never work. I found out the hard way, 'you cant help those who cant help themselves'. It's hard but true.
Walk away and move on with your life. If your lucky like me, you will find what you are looking for elsewhere.

SexyD4Lady

suprabad wrote: »

I was doing good on my own. I was happy enough, and had sorted all of my unhappiness / depression from the past and had moved on.

My girlfriend is from a very troubled family. They all go to counsellors regularly and are often depressed, crying, troubled, and endlessly creating problems for themselves. I thought she was different but after two years I've realised she is very troubled as well. I won't go into the gory details, but anyone who is familiar with the combination of being from a disadvantaged background combined with a dysfunctional family/abuse, know what effects both of those things can have on a child growing and developing their confidence and self-belief. Now at the age of 26, so many things have gone unchecked for so long... I sometimes wonder if the damage to my gf is too bad.

Now I need to go to a counsellor because her issues are getting really difficult for me to deal with (anxiety, eating disorders, physical symptoms/headaches, worry, anger, debilitating fear, bad body image). I've never seen a family like this, with so much childhood abuse, animousity, crying, spousal control, unhealthy attitudes, etc. It has all gone unchecked for so long and they just seem to accept that way of living. I don't accept it. I don't calim that my family are perfect or anything, but perhaps there is a difference of culture in many ways that is hard to deal with.. in any case, that is not the issue. The issue is how it is directly affecting my peace of mind.

In the last two years, without going into all the gory details, it has become clear for me that my girlfriend still has a long way to go before she moves out of the darkness... getting a degree and having a great career have not helped her at deeper levels of her consciousness. I'm not judging her, but she has promised so many times that she will "get things sorted" but now I think that problem is NOT that she doesn't want to get better... it's that she can't, and not for the lack of trying. She has gone to hypnotherapy and is receiving counselling as well (almost all of her family are doing counselling).

So now I've realised that if I want to be completely at peace and happy, I may need to leave. I was fine before this relationship, I can be fine again...

But I can't leave.. I still love her so much, for all her faults. I love being with her and she is my love, my obsession and the spark we have together is amazing. Sometimes I think all the misery is worth it just because nobody makes me feel as electric as she does sometimes. She is not always going through her issues, sometimes she is fine. But once or twice a month the misery and panic creeps in and I know it's not her fault, but it does affect me. It makes me so sad when I see that she is so very far from the light... and the patterns of abuse that took place in her childhood may never release her fully, to let her live completely.

What can I do.. knowing that I am in danger of being pulled back into my unhappiness or depression if I stay with her?

I know giving her up would help me a lot. And some of you will just say I should get out - but honestly, something is stopping me. That is why I am writing this. Sometimes even if you know something isn't good for you, you will do it anyway. I don't drink, smoke, take drugs or any intoxicants... maybe this toxic relationship is my vice?

Hi OP,

First of all I want to say I completely empathise with you. Being in a relationship with a person who had a very troubled past is incredibly difficult.

Have you thought about perhaps going to counselling with her?? This way you may be able to develop a deeper understanding of the way she is feeling and also potentially receive sound advice and support that will benefit your relationship with her. It's worth a shot, before you make any big decisions.

If you feel that you are no longer happy in the relationship, then you need to leave. Leaving someone you love is the hardest and most upsetting thing to do, but can be better for both parties in the long run. She may realise that yes, she has had a dreadful past and a hard time coming to terms with things that happened to her, but she cannot let these incidents affect her relationship with other people who care infinitely about her and want to support her.

Have you spoken to her about how you feel? I assure you that as your partner, she doesn't want to put you under so much stress and anxiety, and you need to tell her in order for her to realise and maybe take a "reality check". The poor girl obviously had a very difficult time, and she will eventually come to terms with her past, but she needs to realise, and will in time, that she cannot wallow in her misery and live in the past forever. Sit down with her and talk to her in a non-confrontational way: have a two way conversation. Say your piece and encourage her to talk as well. If after this chat you feel no relief, you need to strongly consider letting go. Letting go doesn't mean that you lose her forever- stay friendly with her and let her know that you always offer your support and empathy but you cannot let her misery become yours.

Good luck OP, thinking about you.