Can't recover from break-up

LegacyUser

Ok so going unreg for this.

Will try and keep as short as poss.......Met a guy and fell in love with him almost 3 years ago. It was so perfect, he was nothing like the dick-heads I had fallen for before - treated me like a princess, we both believed we were meant to be - yay for us!

So....about a year in we started having problems, although i knew he loved me, I think maybe because i was insecure i needed to hear it a lot and it drove him mad so for some reason everytime I said "Love you" he'd say - ok and it was so hard to get him to say it back - but when you point this out to a guy you end up sounding like a mad woman.

This just became part of us, we started breaking up and getting back together (always him breaking up with me) i used to start major ridiculous rows because I knew they would lead to a heart to heart and otherwise he just wouldn't tell me how he felt.

The weird thing was, when we weren't fighting we were having the time of our lives - I know it might have just been a personality clash - or maybe we're not meant to be but it always felt like we were breaking up over such trivial things to me - but he would say I'd pushed him to far and he couldn't cope anymore. He always regretted it a week later and we'd be back together again

So when we broke up for the last time 6 months ago I spent a month or so expecting us to get back together, when i really saw that wasn't happening I asked him to cut contact with me - something he is completley unable to do. He always lasts about a week but then needs to talk about something and "I'm the only one" I always was so happy to hear from him. Eventually i gave in and agreed to be friends - and thought I was doing ok.

So....after a while we discussed our issues and I said to him that maybe we should try again, but as neither of us want anything serious perhaps we should just have a casual but exclusive thing and see what happens. Only thing is I knew deep down that I'd taken all the blame for our relationship going bad and i was so afraid i' slip up.

I was so happy when he agreed to it - but the first night we slept together I said "Love you" and he said "Yeah can we not do that for now" so you can imagine how that feels.

Valentines day was the following week - I was always in to valentines day but told him it was ok, there was no need - he'd always hated it but had given me a card for the 2 we spent together.

We went to the cinema, for lunch, shopping, chatted all the time - it felt like we were back together - we'd talked about it and said the casual thing felt much better and I 100% believed we were on a path to getting back together.

I had a business idea I wanted to do but didn't have the finance to support it - and it was just too much money to get a loan - he said he believed in me and would be my business partner - I was just so happy that things seemed to be getting resolved.

About 2 days after we formed the company he was out with friends and called me at 4am for a lift home - I know your not supposed to do this but I always have and would find it hard not too.

I collected him, he was drunk and a bit horny, groped me the whole way home in the car (in a good way) kissed me when he was going in and as he lives at home he just said "oh I'd love to bring you in but you know I can't" - that's fair enough, we've never had sex in our parents houses while they were there.

It felt totally normal, I texted him when I got home to say I was home safe and sound and he rang me and told me he didn't think we should see eachother anymore because it was to risky that things would go bad and he "wasn't feeling it anymore" - eh coulda fooled me

I put on a brave face said ok and acted like i wasn't bothered.

I've maintained this strong exterior, working on our new business vernture and talking to him all the time,he tells me I'm his best friend, still rings me during the night if he wants a chat and has injected much money in to my business at this point. We were getting on better than ever and I couldn't help but wonder if we'd get back together.

So, on saturday night I was working but we were chatting on msn, I was talking about a guy I fancied in work (yes, i said it to make him jealous) he was very supportive and said he felt like a big brother to me and to make sure I didn't get hurt etc. That is so not the response I was looking for, then he went on to say that he had been on a date during the week. I thought someone had just pulled my insides out - i instantly ran to the ladies and threw up - I was so upset. And, stupidly I told him i had only talked about the guy in work to make him jealous and I couldn't cope and i never wanted to see or talk to him again.

I am aware how silly that was of me, but I was just so shocked - he started calling me and I was rejecting his calls...I knew he'd put so much money in to my thing and was my business partner we'd have to come to some sort of agreement....

Finally we chatted about it, he laid it down like never before, told me how much my tantrums hurt him and shouted at me saying I was being immature - if he was the horniest man on the planet he still wouldn't sleep with me and he's felt that way for a long time (though it's less than a month since he did sleep with me).

Anyway, because i'm so sensitive he'd never really told it to me straight - he's always maintained a cool not phased exterior - I never felt like I had the capacity to hurt him, but now, now I know that i was hurting him all the time but he didn't give me a reaction - same way he didn't want to tell me how he felt about me.

I felt very sad that i'd hurt someone so close to me, he said he didn't know if we can do the business anymore, but disolving it when we've put so much in means we've wasted so much money but he said I'd have to repay him and the business can't go on without his funding so I'd be paying him back for years - and I never ever would have done the business only he encouraged me.

We agreed yesterday to go ahead with the business, we should have made some money by June so if things get crap we can dissolve it then and he will be paid off - to quit now would be so stupid.

I just feel like my hearts not in it, I would much rather get away from him than watch him fall for someone else (though he says it was just one date) he said he'll never ever ever want to be with me ever again and I want to move on but now I'm stuck - I feel so indebted to him, so hurt, and i still care about him

Last night I came to the conclusion that death is only option, though I wouldn't ever commit suicide in a million years - i feel so much like my back is against the wall and i will just be crushed to have to watch him start a relationship with someone new. He's always been so dependent on me, he calls me all the time, if I lose that, I dunno.

Anyway, most my friends have moved on cuz they got bored listening to me rabbiting on, i feel isolated, alone and incapable of coping - I hope someone can help
x

Marksie

You know i had a wibbs type analatory post all lined up, but then though no keep it short and direct.

So twas a fairytale romance, that like any fairytale didn't last.
You then enetreed a repat cycled of ups and down, breakups and getting together.

Not letting go and enjoying the intense high drama of getting back together which for a while recreates the initial fairytale.
But its all as substantial as mist. Relationships arent about swinging from one extreme to the other.
So you are still pushing buttons and hanging on.
The obvious and direct thing to do is totally igniore each other as you are both still wrapped up in this cycle.

and now its complicated with a business venture....
a bank would have priovided you with the loan following a business plan.
Now you ahve a plan for that in june and if he pulls out and you pay him his share..go to a bank.

Now you are contemplating the rather extreme measure of ending it all. Really that is not the answer and you know it.
Your back is not against the wall, you just dont see alternatives. Neither are you letting go of him nor him of you.

What it is is not healthy, you have come to believe that he is dependent on you, and you have become dependent on him. Now it is clear that you cannot be like this you are reacting badly.
Your life has been like this for so liong you cannot see anything else.

Its whole wide world out there, you juts have to step away and let this all go.

Overheal

Sosad2008 wrote: »

Anyway, most my friends have moved on cuz they got bored listening to me rabbiting on, i feel isolated, alone and incapable of coping - I hope someone can help
x

At the risk of offence (been a great weekend for that btw) No friend would ever let you down if it were a serious issue. I've been in the situation a few times where I have deliberately shunned a friend because they were going through troubles that they need to solve for themselves if they are to become better out of it. I've been through such ordeals myself.

This is not the kind of situation to be solved with sympathy and poor-me's. Be honest. You're as strong and capable an individual as anyone else. Suicide doesn't sound like the solution for you. In time, you will grow and get through this. No doubt it will be a rough patch, but you will come out of it much better than you enter.

You don't have to watch him start a new relationship - and you shouldn't. I wouldn't wish that on anyone to bear. But you have to accept he will have new relationships. So all you can do is let him go, and cut him out. You used to live without him. You will live again without him. And in time and with your preference of God willing, you will have your own new relationships.