hate my life at the moment

Ell69

Does anyone else out there ever feel like just walking out and leaving dh and kids to ''get on with it''.

Im so sick of the same thing day in day out, feel like just ending my life, have seriously thought about it,, more than once,
I do have a husband whos helps out, lucky than most, I know , but jesus sometimes I just hate him, hate my kids and hate myself.
My anger lately is just throught the roof, really screaming at everyone..

I really do just want to leave them ,
I know I should be gratreful, have four children, well 3, looked after my sisters child since he was a baby, hes now 5. Hes part of the family now though.
Its the same **** though all the time, days just don't seem to differ, dh had the kids a few weeks ago and i went to my sisters house for the night, a night was no good though, needed at least a week just to do nothing.
I'm going all the time and my house is still a mess, have 3 boys in the one room as only have a small council house.Their room is never tidy, just cant make room.
I know I'm a horrible person to feel this way, but Its the way i feel, so maybe I am better off out of their lives, at least they might have some happy memories as their dad is a much better person, so easy going, always in good form.

I will understand if no-one replies, lets face it who else would feel this way about their family that I'm supposed to be grateful for..........

Nevyn

Every mother hell every parent feels this way from time to time.

You have to figure out where the stress is coming from and find ways to cope so that you can improve how things are for your sake and theirs.

It sounds like you need help, I would suggest talking to your dr and see what can be done.

Sounds like you don't get a break and you dont' give yourself one either.

It's tough when the kids are small and it seems you can't get head on the housework but they will grow up and help out and it will get better with out you have to be a nazi to have a tidy home.

Miss Fluff

Is there any way you and your husband can afford to take a week on holiday away from your children?

Ell69

Miss Fluff wrote: »

Is there any way you and your husband can afford to take a week on holiday away from your children?

we could afford it with a struggle,but i'm useless to ask any of my family for help. My mams the kind that wouldnt say it to my face if I asked, but would be of the opinion, ''well in my day we had to manage'', you know the type.my sisters are all young no kids, they have all there own social lives, so would feel guilty that Im keeping them from their lives, I'm just useless at asking for help.

Miss Fluff

But it sounds like you need help at the moment OP. Your husband sounds great and very supportive, a week away with him rekindling romance and getting away from the house and kids would do you the power of good. Talk to your Mum and tell her how you feel, I am sure she would only be too happy to spend a week with her grandkids and give you the break you deserve.

Ell69

Thanks again , crying my eyes out here at the thoughts of getting away even with my husband, but no kids. dont think I could ever ask though, a whole week just seems selfish.

Corkgirl21

You're definitely not selfish at all! You sound like you give so much time to your family and I'm sure they really appreciate it! Sometimes we forget to outwardly show our appreciation for other people (especially our parents) but I really doubt they would begrudge you a week away. And don't think that they would be better off without you, i can't imagine any child would feel that about a mum that cares about them, like you clearly do.

Talk to your husband about how you feel, it's better than letting things build up inside you and getting even more upset/stressed. I'm sure with the two of you together you could come up with a plan for a week away.

I'm only 22 so I don't have any experience of what you're talking about so i can only imagine how much you have to give up when you have a husband and kids but you sound like do a lot for them so take a week for yourself and enjoy it; it's definitely not selfish.

If you talk to your sisters about how you feel I'm sure between all of them they can put their social lives on hold for a week. It's just about taking the step and asking them, which can be tough to do i suppose.

Good luck with it, I hope it works out!!

cathy01

hi ya, can you first apply to the council for a bigger house.Medical ground?
Also you need to find somethig that gives you pleasure.A hobbie, I dont think going away for a weekend will help.I think you need to solve the issues.
It is the most difficult job in the world to raise children.
If things do get to much, then talk to your GP, a letter from him to the council will also help.
3 boys in one room is mad.I really hope you feel better soon, post here if and when you need to.
take care,
cathy

star-pants

In regards to it all getting too much and needing a break, I do in a way understand.
I still live at home (I'm 24), my older sisters living in another country, but there's still my 17yr old brother and 15yr old sister at home. My mother's day is similar to yours, cooking cleaning tidying etc, and she's told me before how she's wondered what her life would be like if she'd not had children (not that she regrets us, we're all allowed to wonder) because there were so many things she'd wanted to do. She gets frustrated like you do and screams the house down at times, who wouldn't? She's ill and can't work so my dad's the breadwinner so he works his backside off.
I help out and I've minded the kids so they can get away for even a night. We (relatives incl) have been trying to get them to go on a holiday for years, they've never been (except for a night or two) and *finally* they've saved up and they're going away in May for 5 days, I'll be minding the kids but I'm happy to do it because I know how important the break is to them.
In my longwinded way (sorry) what I'm trying to say is - you're not alone in feeling this way and you certainly shouldn't feel like you're putting anyone out asking for a break. You deserve a break, and I'm sure your mother/sister (maybe someone on your husbands side?) could mind them for a few days. Even a long weekend? Don't feel awful to ask someone to take a few days out of their year to help you out. Because I'm sure if they knew how you were feeling they'd jump at the chance. And what's the worst that can happen by asking? they can say no, so you go and ask someone else. I'm sure some arrangement could be made hun.

a break would do you and your husband the world of good, and you'd be better able to tackle other (housing etc) issues when you're rested.

Best of luck x

vincenzo1975

This is a tough situation for you, but you should stop for a minute and give yourself credit for what you do and give to this family.

It would not work without you.

When things get on top of you like this, it can seem like an ever ending mess. No matter how much you pick up, you never get the p[lace clean. I have been there, and there is no-one to blame, its just the way it is. It is very easy in this situation for everyone to start blaming eachother.

A week away will help, but its the daily routine that needs fixing.

How old are your kids? when they start to go to school, at least it will give you a few hours to get your head together in the daytime. This will be an important time for you and you should look to make it your special time.

One of the most important things to start it all off, is for you and your husband to talk. These feelings and the pressure you feel have to come out. You say he is easy going, but you scream, that sounds very imbalanced. He may be easy going with the kids, but he has to understand that boundries have to be set with them, and he has to support your discipline. Sometimes it can be like good cop bad cop, and your always the bad one. You need to make ruiles for the kids, its never too early, to make them clean up after themselves and do some chores. Your husband has to support you in this. Put in a reward structure, no sweets or toys until after the jobs are done. get them to clean their room before bed each night. The important thing is be consistant. They will try it on, but they will soon learn that they have to clean up their own mess and they wiull get tidier.

You may need to get some extra storage boxes for the toys and stuff. If you do, involve the kids in picking them, they are more likly to use them if they picked them. be firm and make them pack stuff away. If they do a good job for the week, they get their favourite food on the Friday, otherwise its cabbage (or maybe a comic each, but no reward if they dont do good. set standards)

I really hope you can pick up some tuips for making changes, as that is what needs to happen in my opinion. Your husband needs to recognise you are under pressure and help you make the changes.

Do not feel that killing yourself is a way out or will make the pain go away. It will simply destroy everything. Do you think your sisters would rather have their social lives interupted for a couple of days baby sitting or losing you? Do you think your kids would be better off without a mammy? You dont realise it, but you are the heartbeat of everything that is happening, and those kids will always cherish you. 3 boys sounds like a wild bunch, I dont envy that, I bet they are a real handful. Summer is coming, so maybe they can play more in the garden with a ball, stopping the house from being a wreck all the time.

I hope you can keep it going, but do find some time for yourself each week if you can.

I know it is easy to talk, but sometimes you getto just step back and not worry too much about the house being wrecked. After all, it sounds like everyone is healthy and not sick, at least that.

I have a young Autistic girl and what we went through for a few years was just crazy, but you do get out the other side a much better person, and I guarantee you this, when your sisters start to have kids, you will be the one that is needed most, the one with the advice, the one with the knowledge and experience, and then you will be the one who is most appreciated.

Stick in there.

vincenzo1975

You may get some good advice on getting the kids to help out in the parenting section of the Forum?

ekerr

Sorry to hear you are feeling like that.

Would you get maybe a part time job (weekend work or something)? Or even find a course to do.Dont know if it would work out with your hubbies hours.That little bit of a break might do you good.Have some YOU time.You might find somewhere with good staff that you will enjoy going to for the break.

I have heard boys are just crazy to bring up.You have 3.You need breaks.Let you husband take care of them for a bit.

I dont know what you are going through but my sister does be in the same position with her 2 girls.So we just try to get her out as much as possible.We are all going to do the mini marathon so that gets her out of the house for at least 2 hours each day.

This will probally be no use to you just send id send it anyway

AARRRGH

Get therapy.

I know a few confused/angry/sad people who went through a few months/years of therapy and are now very happy, stable people.

Your feelings seem a bit extreme to only be based on boredom or having a dirty house. Definitely I think talking to an independent person would be very beneficial.

I would also recommend lending some time to something like St. Vincent De Paul. You'll see real suffering which might help put thing back in perspective for you.

Do you feel in control of your life?

bubblebutt

please go and see a doctor, you sound very depressed to me *hug*


just over a month ago i just about had enough of everything, day to day life, work, my family and friends and myself!

my depression had been building up for over a year.

since going to the doctor she described anti-depressants and referred me to a psychiatrist, now i'm not saying that that's for you a doctor will tell you but my life has changed! i think in the positive now and way more rationally.

please get help for you and your family

Ell69

Thanks all for your kind words.
What Im really scared of at the moment is my anger, I slapped my son this morning for just getting chocolate all over the place. Its Easter for petes sake........
The advise about time out sounds great, im so afraid though to admit to everyone that Im not in control. They think Im superwoman. But behin closed doors . only my kids and husband know the real me, House devil street angel and all that...
Weve a holiday to spain in June booked for 10 days with the kids, but Im not looking forward to it, would rather be going on my own, selfish or what.
will go and go through the motions, but will be glad to get home.
I dont think i'm in control of my feelings at all sometimes.
Don't want to go on anti-depressants, was on them before, took ages and all my energy to get off them.
I went for counselling before too, but my counsillor thinks I'm fine, I 'd hate to go back to her and say ''oh by the way it was all an act, i just pretended I was ok just to make you feel like it was working'' And yet I'd feel drawn to teh same person again, I know i could choose another counsillor, but would feel disloyal to her, she tried.It was like the act that i put on outside the home, just resurfaced again when I used to talk to her.
my kids arent small, youngest is 5, going to school in September, 9,10 and 16
So what am I moaning about you say, no nappies, no bottles, i just need time on my own, a long time......

vincenzo1975

maybe you are trying to maintain control when the boys are actually maturing enough to look after themselves. at these ages, there is no reason why they cannot help out.

Are you maybe feeling a bit left out, with all the boys and your husband getting a long so well, you need some female company around? Maybe one of your sisters would come on the holiday with you? You should try and arrange a night out with the girls about once a month, maybe you just need to reconnect with them.

get those boys to work, and do not be afraid to let your defences down in the house, a good cry in front of all those men would shock them to death and have them waiting hand and foot on you, for a while anyway.

Dont be scared to get all this out in the open, bottling up things does not make sense, men dont pick up on this sort of stuff very easily.

Ickle Magoo

You sound depressed. Kids are bloody hard work & I think we all have days when we'd love to be able to pack & bag & leave them to it for a fortnight but you sound really unhappy with your lot. You need to find another councellor for starters - one you click with. Stop being loyal to your councellor & be loyal to yourself, it's so important that you can talk to someone honestly & openly! Get a new councellor & make a pact with yourself that you are going to take the mask off at the door & only tell the truth, the whole truth & nothing but the truth.

Make sure you get out the house - go for a walk with & without kids. Not only does the fresh air & exercise make you feel much better, the kids can't mess up the house when they aren't in it! Socialise with friends, do a course, get out the house on your own as much as you can. You need to re-establish yourself as a person in your own right.

Try & get the kids to help tidy, spend the last 30mins of the day before bath/bed as "tidy up time" - get a big toy chest & get everyone to throw the toys in. How old are your kids? Can they work the washing machine? Cook dinner? Hoover? Etc, etc. Get them to help you as much as possible.

How much help does your DH give? You say he "helps out" - that sounds like you are doing the lions share at home. It's not fair that he works 9-5 & you have a 24hr a day, 7 day a week job with no lunch hour, coffee breaks or holidays - in my house no-one sits down until the chores are done & if that mean my husband cooking dinner & putting the kids to bed while I catch up on something else, then that's what happens.

Try & write down what needs doing & find ways you can make it easier on yourself. Could you drop the kids off with family for a couple of hours? Can you make double portions & freeze half for days when you don't have the time or energy to cook? Is it possible to arrange that your DH & yourself get alternate lie-ins at the weekends? It's the little things that can make life much more fun.

You sound emotionally drained. I get like that when I have to give, give, give & I'm not getting anything back to replenish supplies. I have to make the effort to have a girls night out, a lie-in, a new bag, phone my sister, etc, etc & give myself a bit of TLC. Thinking of you.

Ell69

Hi all, thank you all somuch for all your kind words.Thought I was losing my mind. I think I hit rock bottom last night. Basically what happenened was my husband made a pass at me in bed, OMG I just lost it , couldnt stop crying, the poor man didnt know what he had done. Anyway I just poured my heart and soul out to him. I just didnt hold back on anything. I couldnt believe , though how supportive he was he just held me while I cried and cried. The poor man was soaked from my tears.talk about a shoulder to cry on, it was more like a waterfall.
He offered to mind the kids for the weekend while I just go away, Fri- Mon he said, catch up on the bills next week he said, but you know even after an offer like that I really want him to come with me, just to do nothing, but do nothing together. I explained how I couldnt ask my family for help as they think I have it all together, when really I'm falling to pieces. My little nephew is a special needs child , never a dull moment, a real handful,. I think when we took him on I thought how hard could it get, and my parents also said it to me, as did social workers, ''only do this if you're sure''. I think its a case of I dont want them to think they made a mistake by agreeing to let him come live with us. Anyway my husband said he'll ring and tell them, not ask, but tell them I need a hand out this weekend.He said if he cant get everyone to help out then i'm to book into a hotel myself and just have loads of treatments for myself.(He must have money stashed away that I dont know about, lol). I dont think he knows how expensive these places are. This time though, the thought really does count, if you know what I mean.
I woke up this morning at 6.30am , said I'd be up in a minute to drive him to work, lol he said he'd walk, it's 2 miles away. I drove him though.
I'm still very teary eyed today though, and wouldnt take much to set me off again, but I feel so exhausted at having told him all that last night, You'd think unloading your feelings would make me feel brighter, but it has worn me out.
Thanks to everyone for their support, I know I do have to be honest about how I feel and not keep it in , Don't know about going to the doctor, she'll just give me more anti-depressants, I dont want to take tablets just so i'll enjoy my kids , thats not right. I felt great originally a couple of months ago after giving them up, but it has hit me hard now, so maybe I'll have no choice.
Anyway , not sure, but heres hoping things will improve.
Thanks everyone though for helping make the first step...Love to all.......

Marksie

Well you have taken the firstt step in talking to your husband..and he has supported you.
Sometimes having got it out of the system you do feel drained. But now he is aware and supportive then things will get better.

So looking through the thread i saw thaed's post and one sentence struck me. That you dont give yourself a break. That everything is on you to do.
You yourself gave an example of this in your last post. your husband offered to walk to work but still you drove.

Perhaps a start would be to look at small things that could be changed make things easier for you.

Sitting down with hubby and looking at what exactly is causing this and looking at what changes could be started to effect a larger more beneficial change.

He is open and receptive which is a huge plus and admitting that you need help with your nephew is no shame but a realisiation that in the end you are human with limitations.

Your hubby will support you, so lean on him and ask for his help. Let him sort hsome stuff to give yourself chance to breath.
While the weeknd away sounds great, a more lasting chage would be to sort things out in the everday circumstances.
But always make sure you do get time foe the occasional R+R break

best of luck OP.

RedXIV

I always knew parents had it tough, i haven't a clue how my mother put up with me and my bro considering the amount of babysitters we went through. Even my extended family remember the hardship that we caused and believe me thats saying something with the size of family i have. But she fully believed in the idea that as soon as you could walk, you could fetch, when you could make a mess, you could clean up and by the time you could decide what you liked to eat, you damn well learned to cook delegation is the key. that and she developed an unholy addiction to diet coke

Overheal

Good for you Red, my mom decided I was too much hassle and sent me to move in with my Dad. And the rest is history.

Personally you might be making a good move by staying off the ADs, OP. You'll definitely end up going through some swings I'll grant you but over time they'll get easier to deal with on your own.

vincenzo1975

well done, you took such a brave step in releasing the inner you. Your husband sounds like a great guyand very supportive, dont be scared to let him take up some of that responsability, let some of the control go.

Hope things are looking up for you.

Special needs children are huge work, whatever your intentions, be careful not to overstretch yourself here, as it may not be best for the child, yourself or anyone else in the house. Make sure you have the right supports. Saying that, it can be very rewarding.

Glad to hear things are looking up a bit for you.

[Jackass]

It's great to hear you talked about it Ell and that your husband is being so supportive. But you have taken on a hell of a lot of responsability in your life and you deserve a break!! I have no kids and very little pressure on me other than work and I crack up and need a holiday or just time away from it, so I can only imagine how strong you are to be able to cope with a whole house of kids and everything going on.

There's no 2 ways about it, you have to acknowledge that you deserve a treat, some time off, tell everyone to feck off they are looking after the kids cause you are going away for a week, they're not going to "judge you" just cause you want a holiday, your sisters can take the kids for a couple of days each, it's not going to kill them and I'm sure their social lives will still be there when you get back, and you and the hubby go off to a hotel somewhere and sit on your arse and do nothing, catch up on your day time tv and sleep and sit around and have a laugh...go out for a few drinks at night guilt free and with no mess to come home to, I'm telling you, it'll be the best thing you'll ever do for yourself and I'm sure your familly will be more than happy to help you out for a day or 2 each!! Good luck and well done getting it out

EcoGirl

We all make up rules about how things should be. Usually we make up these rules very young, and without realising it. We don't consciously choose these rules, we just absorb them. Or maybe we're told those rules by others, and believe them.
And sometimes those rules a) aren't true and b) don't do us any favours. And it sounds like you've rules about having to do everything for everybody, and not looking after yourself. That's why you feel selfish if you do anything for yourself - because it's breaking your rules.

But you know, you can have any rules you like. (As long as they're not rules which involve neglecting your children or doing anything criminal etc, of course!). You chose them in the first place (whether consiously or not), and now you can choose differently if you want.

You can decide to believe (i.e. have it as your rules) that it's okay to take time for yourself. You can let go the rule that you have to do everything for everybody.

Just know, you're in charge of those rules and can change them if they're not working for you (which they're clearly not).

You can change them just by deciding to.

Now, as I explained in another post, sometimes we think thoughts just because we've always thought them. They're programmed into us somehow. But you know - and this is so, so freeing if you let it be - just because you think a thought, doesn't mean it's true.

So if you think, "It's selfish to let my husband walk to work", that's just a thought. It may or may not be true - but it'll be true or not on its own merits, not just because you thought it.

So, if you allow yourself to now have the belief "I don't have to do everythign for everybody", then be prepared for the old thoughts to come up (simply because they're programmed in your brain). But just think to yourself "That's my old thought/belief/rule. I'm not thinking that any more. My new thought/belief/rule is ...." and fill in the blank with a rule which is good for you.

You know when you fly on an aeroplane and they tell you that if the oxygen masks come down in an emergency, you should ALWAYS put on your own mask before attending to your child's mask. Reason being, if you're passed out from lack of oxygen, you can't help you child at all.

Same thing with the rest of our lives. If you're passed out through exhaustion and depression, you can't help your DH and children at all. By looking after yourself, you're helping both yourself AND them.

So next time you think it's selfish, remind yourself of the oxygen mask rule.

Good luck!