Problem with Uncle

LegacyUser

I found out last week that my uncle tried to sexually abuse my brother 30 years ago. My uncle lives near me, from time to time he visits my house. I have kids and I dont want him anywhere near them or me anymore. (He has never been alone with my children).

Nothing is being made of it because my brother told me not to tell anyone, so it has to be kept secret.

I am so annoyed and feel so upset about this. My brother said he told my mam about this years ago and nothing was done.

If my dad was to find out it would kill him.

cjmcork

OP - you need to think of your children - if you don't want him in their home, don't have him there.......full stop.

Miss Fluff

You can never let him visit your home again and if your children's grandparents ever have him as a visitor you are also going to have to stop your childrens visits if you want to protect them. Does he have children himself?

And if he asks you why you have cut him off you should tell him that you know.

star-pants

OP that's horrible for your brother. It's a tricky situation because it happened so long ago, your brother has asked for you not to say anything so it might make things awkward if you tell other relatives. I know it's important to keep him away but you might have to have a word with your brother first just as to how to go about this info with others.
But as you can't have him in your house anymore, you will have to give an explaination of sorts, you won't be able to come up with excuses for ever.
x

Kell

Worried One wrote: »

I found out last week that my uncle tried to sexually abuse my brother

Hillo. No one admits to being "almost" being abused. It either happened or it didnt. Its not like some one nearly ran over your foot crossing the road, when you can angrily say "The f*cker got so close he almost wasted my foot".

If your brother said "It nearly happened" it more than likely did. Deal with it from that perspective and make your decision based on the liklihood that it more than likely happened. Its a sad perspective, but from your brothers perspetive, why on earth broach the potentially most upsetting thing that can happen to you if it werent true?

K*-

*A bit drunk and emotional

cathy01

I think by almost been abused means the child fought back.
I totally understand how you feel.
Can I say I was in a slightly similer situation.A man know to a friend of mine was a child abuser .I would not allow this peson to be int he same room as my children.
This caused some arguements with my friend.
My advice , when your uncle visists say, you had heard something about his past that upsets you andyou no longer want him inyour life.Ask him to leave and never ever talk with him again.
Its very confusing for children to be told not to talk with their "uncle" and att he same time , see you entertain him, in their home.He will become familure to them.
Get him out of your life, out of your kids life and support your brother all you can.
The fact he spoke of this to you is him trying to prevent what happened to him happening to you or your children.
You dont need to take any risk with your kids.
I think its time to say goodbye to your uncle and leave it at that.
Dont risk it, be brave ,
cathy

WindSock

It's a bit harsh to be cutting him put of your life completely.Can you not just make sure he is not left alone with your kids instead?

cathy01

No, its that the child will still see this person and may think he is a friend.They will then think he is ok and a safe person.
Close the door on him, if there is a 1% chance he will be alone at all with the children then its a risk that's not worth taking.
harsh, yes, necessary, yes.
cathy

FingersCrossed

I think your brother must still feel terribly let down by your Mother. What a terrible thing to happen to him, and then to see your Uncle get away with it for all these years.

You have every right, and responsibility imo, to cut this man out of your life. As the previous poster said, just tell him you don't want him anywhere near your family again. No need to give him a reason, he will know himself. No need to give your Mother a reason, she will know why.

Also, if it were me, I would ensure any other members of the family with children were told. Just say to them "take my word for it, don't have him around the kids, I can't tell you why as I have promised not to, but trust me". If someone said that to me, as a parent, I wouldn't care about the ins and out of it, I'd just want him away from my kids.

In a way, it might give your brother some comfort, to realise that what happened was indeed wrong and damaging, and not acceptable behaviour, and that what his Mother did was also wrong.

Good luck.

mikemac

Ok, going against the grain here but hear me out.

The uncle will never ever be able to see his young relations again for something that happened 30 years ago?
Sure, if you murdered someone you wouldn't still be in jail 30 years later but you feel it's ok to still punish him for something that happened long ago?
(Average life sentance is 12 afaik)

Your choice OP and if you believe your childrens saftey is at risk then do what you think is best.

FingersCrossed, I would not blacken someones name based on what one person says. I realise you are not advising the OP to explicity give a reason but all the relations will know exactly what is inferred.

I dunno, I'm coming across as a bleeding heart which I'm not. Just seems to me the uncle will be cut of people's lives and possibly the entire families based on something that was "tried" 30 years ago.

And yes, you may respond that if I had children then I'd understand the fear and worries a parent has to deal with. I agree, you are probably correct

cathy01

I agree with Finger crossed except for telling the other relations.I think, her brother MUST do that.
Not for him but for the other kids.
If it where my uncle, I wouldnt give a toss if he died of a heart attack as I shout the door on his back.I would just be annoyed at having to remove the scum from my front step.
Harsh, yes....
I show no simpathy for this.The fact it was 30 years ago is terrible, thats 30 years he got away with it and 30 years of oppertunitys to do it again.
OP talk with your brother, tell him , he owes it to himself to tell the other family members.He can not aloow for another child to go through this.If he talks about it, it may happen that other family members will come forward and say similer happened to them.Its seldome that offenders only strick once if they have got away with it.
Your doing the right thing.
cathy [a nice person underneath).

the_syco

micmclo wrote: »

Sure, if you murdered someone you wouldn't still be in jail 30 years later but you feel it's ok to still punish him for something that happened long ago?
(Average life sentance is 12 afaik)

Would you let some one who has killed a child 30 years ago near yours? I doubt it.

micmclo wrote: »

I dunno, I'm coming across as a bleeding heart which I'm not. Just seems to me the uncle will be cut of people's lives and possibly the entire families based on something that was "tried" 30 years ago.

Although some peados know what they're doing is wrong, some think it's ok. And unless he's shut out, he may keep doing so.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the replies. When my brother told me what had happened he confided in me, he told me that he has never told his wife and that my mam and I are the only people to know. he talked to mam about it recently and she asked him not to tell dad about it. This is not the first instance of sexual abuse in the immediate family so I know she is probably heart broken about it.

I dont want my uncle near me anymore, I have made the decision to shut him out of my life completely, I am not going to take his calls and will not have him near my house. But I am not going to say that I know about it. I will talk to my brother about if he wants to tell other people. I feel so sorry for him that he has had to have to keep this to himself after all these years. I haven't been able to talk to my mam since I was told, because I feel she has let him down.

LegacyUser

WindSock wrote: »

It's a bit harsh to be cutting him put of your life completely.Can you not just make sure he is not left alone with your kids instead?

Are you mad windsock?

Cut him off.

Your children's welfare is far far more important than your uncle's feelings.

You cannot be concerned about family controversy in this case. If he is guilty of child abuse, then that is tough **** on the rest of your family. Your primary responsibility is to your children.

Your uncle is responsible for his current and past behaviour. He now must take the consequences of actions HE KNEW WERE WRONG.

cathy01

hi ya, please dont blame your mam.I think , yes she did let him down but she perhaps grew up in a generation where you never ever spoke of things like that.

I am so proud of you ...yes Proud.Its a difficult thing to do but I am sure its the roight thing.But please, do all you can to make sure that he doesnt do things like that again.
best of luck,
cathy

LegacyUser

Hey

Was unsure of whether to post for this one.

Would like to give the opinion of someone who has been sexually abused. OP, please do whatever it takes to make sure that your uncle has no opportunity to be alone with kids, and no opportunity to abuse kids.

I was abused for years as a family friend as a child. When I grew up I discovered that he had abused his daughter all her childhood. I wish more than anything she had gone to any length to make it known what an evil sick bastard he was before he moved to my down and befriended my family, and abused me. That would have been at least one child she'd have saved from an ordeal.

Seperately, after my mother found out years later, she was in shock, and accidentally admitted that someone she knew had told her what he was like at one stage and she had done nothing about it. I don't know if this was while he was abusing me or later that she found out, but even still at no stage had she acted upon what she had told.

so as a survivor of sexual abuse I would urge you to do whatever it takes to prevent a child from being abused by this man.

i know there will be people (like one poster already) who will say that this is over-cautious, especially since the incident with your brother happened 30 years ago, and since it was attempted abuse, but as someone who has been there, I would definitely say that you can't take any chances with this, and I only wish someone had done something which may have prevented my abuse when I was a child..

Best of luck with it OP.

WindSock

westlight wrote: »

Are you mad windsock?

Maybe, but I don't have kids so I guess I don't really know what to think about the situation. All I'm saying is you know he may be a danger to your kids, but what about family funerals and weddings etc? at least you can be on your guard for at least 1 person who may or may not be a paedophile.

cathy01

family funerals, I would hope he gets the message and read, hes not welcome.Only funeral I would see him at is his own.
I agree with goingun reg.
do all you can to make sure , for certain he never ever gets a chance to hurt again.Its very very very difficult only your brother can do it, but do it , he must.
I honestly hand on my heart wish you and him the best.
Now go, ring the Garda and your brother and do what you know you HAVE to do.
big hug,:o
cathy

Ickle Magoo

Worried One wrote: »

Thanks for all the replies. When my brother told me what had happened he confided in me, he told me that he has never told his wife and that my mam and I are the only people to know. he talked to mam about it recently and she asked him not to tell dad about it. This is not the first instance of sexual abuse in the immediate family so I know she is probably heart broken about it.

I dont want my uncle near me anymore, I have made the decision to shut him out of my life completely, I am not going to take his calls and will not have him near my house. But I am not going to say that I know about it. I will talk to my brother about if he wants to tell other people. I feel so sorry for him that he has had to have to keep this to himself after all these years. I haven't been able to talk to my mam since I was told, because I feel she has let him down.

For what it's worth, I think you are doing the right thing. I know I could never spend all that time protecting my kids with car seats, road safety, swim lessons, etc & etc & then knowingly let them in contact with an abuser. How long ago it happened wouldn't be a factor - it's hard enough to keep kids safe in this scary world without inviting someone like that into your kids lives.

I can really understand why you would feel your Mum let your brother down, I would be very, very, very angry if a close family member was abused & someone who should have had their son's protection as their priority, instead covered up & asked their son to keep the secret - not least because of how damaging it is to your brother but also because she made a conscious decision to put other family members & friends of this man at risk too. That's very sad & disappointing.

Thinking of you & yours.