Addicted to "love"?

LegacyUser

Going unreg as regular poster. Basically just want a few opinions on my situation to help me sort my incredibly confused head out-will try to keep it as short as possible.

Met my b/f 18 months ago. (both in late 20's)Relationship was long distance at first as my job kept me in a city 2 hours away from him-agreed to give it our best shot and both travelled on weekends to see each other. Everything was going ok until we had a fight over something stupid one weekend and he went home and snogged the face off some other woman in a nightclub-he put it down to drink but I later found out that he had also been constantly texting her up to three days after. Was hurt but worked through it....trust was an issue obviously but he said he would never hurt me again. Fastforward to 3 months later, this time, major fight erupted which resulted in me not answering or returning his calls for a week: needed time to think but to be honest was using it as "punishment" as well.

Anyways, when I agreed to meet up with him after, he said that he wanted us to start with a clean sheet. Fair enough but then he confessed to sleeping with some random woman that he met on a night out....I felt sick and thats putting it mildly. When I said we had only been not speaking for 7 days he said he thought we had broken up so he went and shagged this randomer.

Obviously heart ruling head, after he pleaded with me for weeks, I decided to give him another chance. I was now in the same city as him and we spent practically every day together. Things were going great but then a work mate (male) texted me with a suggestive but harmless text and the b/f went ballistic accusing me of been with other men etc etc. This was to become the norm...I was even accused on eyeing a guy up in a shopping centre one day when I was looking in the window of a shop.

I don't think I have cryed as much ever-work is stressful too but I know I feel something for this guy 'cos I just can't let him go and keep taking him back time and time again. I dont know what to do anymore.....help...

Mulan

This will go on forever.
He's a sad person and has no respect for you.

Cut the chord now or be second guessing for the rest of your life.

( I could say give him a second chance and talk things through but 99% of felles like this don't change)

Sorry for being so blunt.

LegacyUser

Thanks Mulan for your advice-I need somebody to be blunt with me as I just can't think straight at the mo...appreciate it...

Mulan

There's plenty of good guys out there. Have a chat with your mam or sister, or to someone who has your interests at heart. What would you say to anyone of these people if the role was reversed. Its your life and your love, don't waste it. True love is always returned for free. Keep the bar high when choosing this love.

Good luck
Mulan

Kell

sadgal wrote: »

one weekend and he went home and snogged the face off some other woman in a nightclub-he put it down to drink

Alarm bells.

sadgal wrote: »

Was hurt but worked through it....

What the F*ck did you do that for? He completely abuses the trust you placed in him, yet you "work it out". Hmmnnnn......

sadgal wrote: »

he confessed to sleeping with some random woman that he met on a night out....

Again, showing his absolute lack of regard for your emotional wellbeing, you choose to engage again. Have you considered your own self esteem issues at this point?

sadgal wrote: »

after he pleaded with me for weeks, I decided to give him another chance.

Obviously not.

F*ck what you think should be the operational norms of your BF in the sense that you have given him the benefit of the doubt, he has treated you like sh*te and really doesnt deserve the splendour of your company. Treat this as a hard lesson to have learned. Think of what you would say to a friend in a similar boat i.e "kick that disrespectful c*nt to the kerb b*itch then p*ss on his head". At least I hope that is what you would say to a good friend.

Babes- the guy has hurt you hard and wil continue to do same till you realise you do not need this sh*e in your life. I hope it comes quicker than you have lived so far. Realise your life is in your hands. If you settle for Cr*ap, it will come find you.

K-

Carrigart Exile

why were you 'punishing' him, if you are going to behave like a child then don't be surprised if he does likewise.

Chinafoot

Carrigart Exile wrote: »

why were you 'punishing' him, if you are going to behave like a child then don't be surprised if he does likewise.

Bit of a difference between her not answering calls for a few days and him going off and shagging some randomer.

Kell put it perfectly. It may seem a little blunt but it's what you need by the sound of things.

People will only treat you in the manner which you allow yourself to be treated. He cheats and you take him back, he does it again and to a more serious extent and you take him back again. This guy knows that you are under his thumb and he can do what he wants, grovel when you find out and all will be rosy again. The only person who'll be miserable in this situation will be you. It certainly won't be him.

Time to realise you're worth more than that. Like Kell said, what would you say to your best mate if she were in the same situation? What would you think if she said "oh but I love him?" or "but there's something special there, I just know it!", would you think, like most people would, that just because you love someone it doesn't mean it's going to work? Just because you love someone isn't reason enough to be treated like a mug and be crapped on. You'd probably tell her to cop onto herself and open her eyes.

Well, just because you love this guy doesn't mean he's going to show you that love in return. Yeah, he might say he loves you when he's grovelling for you to take him back after shagging some random bird, but the fact that he did it after what ye had been through previously says to me that there's really not very much love there on his side at all.

As hard as it may be you need to realistic about this. What happens next time you have a fight? Are you going to tip-toe around him for fear of having an argument which could result in him going off and having sex with some random girl? That's not a relationship.

Do yourself a favour and walkaway.

challengemaster

There's just some guys like that, if it's hurting you so much - then don't take him back. You should have discussed this properly the first time, guy's aren't mind readers - If he did care for you, he wouldn't want to hurt you.

randylonghorn

Run a mile, OP. In fact, run a few hundred if you can.

Jealousy is one of the most destructive acids which can afflict any relationship, and he seems to have a fair store of it. To my mind, what is really happening here is that he is judging you by his own standards of behaviour, and indeed perhaps subconsciously expecting you to turn the tables on him and get your own back.

And even without the jealousy he's no great catch tbh.

LegacyUser

Thanks to all for your advice. Just to address one comment.Carrigart Exile-I didn't speak to him so as to give him an idea as to what life might be like without us as a couple. Childish? Ya possibly but does it justify him going off sleeping with somebody else...no I don't think so.

I don't know what my problem is with this guy-I just can't seem to let him go and if I do its for a very short amount of time and then I want him back....

Jack B. Badd

sadgal wrote: »

I didn't speak to him so as to give him an idea as to what life might be like without us as a couple. Childish? Ya possibly but does it justify him going off sleeping with somebody else...no I don't think so.

You wanted to give him an idea of what life would be like without you two as a couple and it backfired on you. He quite happily went along with your idea and took it one step further. At the end of the day you reap what you sow and in this case you wanted to hurt him and the result was pain (albeit your pain).

sadgal wrote: »

I don't know what my problem is with this guy-I just can't seem to let him go and if I do its for a very short amount of time and then I want him back....

Your thread title says it all; it's an addiction (not to love imo but to an unhealthy relationship). React as you would to any unhealthy addiction. Go cold turkey and get support from those around you who have your best interests at heart. Just because you want something shouldn't necessarily mean that you can't do without it. Good luck.

Gyalist

sadgal wrote: »

Obviously heart ruling head, after he pleaded with me for weeks, I decided to give him another chance. I was now in the same city as him and we spent practically every day together. Things were going great but then a work mate (male) texted me with a suggestive but harmless text and the b/f went ballistic accusing me of been with other men etc etc. This was to become the norm...I was even accused on eyeing a guy up in a shopping centre one day when I was looking in the window of a shop.

A textbook example of what is known as projection.

According to Sigmund Freud, projection is a psychological defense mechanism whereby one "projects" one's own undesirable thoughts, motivations, desires, and feelings onto someone else. It is a common process that every person uses to some degree.[3]

To understand the process, consider a person in a couple who has thoughts of infidelity. Instead of dealing with these undesirable thoughts consciously, he or she subconsciously projects these feelings onto the other person, and begins to think that the other has thoughts of infidelity and may be having an affair. In this sense, projection is related to denial, arguably the only defense mechanism that is more primitive than projection. Those who project deny a part of themselves that may otherwise come to the surface. In this case, they cannot face their own feelings of infidelity and therefore project them onto the other person.

LegacyUser

Once again thanks to all who offered their advice

Just a quick update-I bit the bullet and decided to end it a couple of days ago and as expected he went completely beserk on me to a point of actually scaring me as to what he would do. When I eventually got him to leave (he refused to leave my house as he wanted to "talk" things through) he threw whatever possessions I had in his car out. Fair enough, he was angry and hurt.

Texts and calls followed for the next couple of days saying he has regretted sleeping with the tart (my words) everyday since he did it. I stood my ground and didn't entertain any thought of sorting it out. As it happens we were due to go away on holiday in early June (real nice hotel in the sun). He decided he is still going but is taking somebody else with him. When I asked as to who he was taking I was told that it was none of my business which makes me even more suspicious as to who he is sharing a double bed with.

Anyway, I suppose I was just very naive for a long while thinking he could/would change. Need to work on the whole self esteem issues I guess as advised-thanks for all the help xx