who pays??

LegacyUser

ok so i was on my first proper date last week.we went for dinner nd at the end i ensisted on paying.she said we would go halves but i wudnt let her.my thinking was i asked her out so i should pay. is that normal or have i watched 2 many american sitcoms?? anyways dont think ill be seeing her again after the fit she threw about who shud pay. so just wondering what other people do?

henboy9

halves my friend -at least she offered

cjmcork

good question - I was with a guy for a few years (we weren't living together or anything like that) but i always paid halves - when we broke up, the topic came up with some friends, who basically thought I was a right t1t for paying for half of everything........?

AlanSparrowhawk

What I don't do is argue about who should pay. If she was insistent that you pay equally you should have let her. If I was loaded I'd be inclined to pay for stuff cos that looks cool but I don't think I could afford to pay for the whole shebang myself.

harney

Considering she threw a fit do you not think you should have backed down a little bit, or at least suggested going on to a bar / café and let her pay for that. It may not have added up to the same but a least the gesture might have been appreciated.

Having siad that I have no idea in general what the rules are, been out of the dating game for too long.

cjmcork

i agree that the fit thing was a bit OTT - it's nice to be taken out every now and again - so she'll behave herself better on the next date - but I agree that since you asked her out, you should have paid initially - how things move on then, I'd be interested in opinions on this one

chuci

def halves not fair to expect you to pay. be grateful that she offered.

Colonel_McCoy

Halves

RedXIV

If she wants to go halves, go halves. especially if she is gonna kick up about it. for some people this is a pride thing. I HATED getting brought out and having stuff paid for me when i was unemployed with my last gf. go the path of least resistance. safest in the long run

dudara

It's a tricky one. Women do want to pay their own way in the world and be independent these days. However, this is leading to women who are incapable of understanding a little bit of chivalry.

Offering to pay was a nice thing to do. If it was a first date, I probably wouldn't have left you do it though. Later, if the relationship progressed, I would let you pay for things entirely, as long as I covered other expenses.

Requiem4adream

AlanSparrowhawk wrote: »

What I don't do is argue about who should pay. If she was insistent that you pay equally you should have let her. If I was loaded I'd be inclined to pay for stuff cos that looks cool but I don't think I could afford to pay for the whole shebang myself.

Basically as a lad, i always pay with my girlfriend but i always say "you can pay for the next one ". Obviously i pay for the next one too I think it's a matter of ideology, i'm 25 but i dont think the art of chivalry is dead. It's nice to be nice too.

On a date situation it's probably better to do as she wishes. Give it one chance: *"i'll get that" -"no i insist on going halves". *"ah sure it's no bother, chivalry is still alive!". -"no really i insist". At which point answer should be *"20 quid will cover it!".

There are 2 reasons girls get insistent: 1. feminism/independence/paying their own way in life. All fair. 2. They dont want to feel in your debt or like they owe you anything. Especially if the date has not gone well, the boy paying for it might look like he expects something in return (a kiss goodbye even).

star-pants

It can be tricky as dudara said - some people are very insistant on how things are paid.
I went out with a guy who wanted to pay everytime we went out for food/cinema/wherever and from day one I always offered, even weeks/months into it I would always go for my wallet but he said no. The odd time I would sneakily pay, but he said he liked doing it - so I got around it by buying him gifts/stuff he might need because I felt bad that he would be paying for everything. So we worked it that way.

I would never throw a fit if the guy wanted to pay (unless the bill was really high or something) I would offer, a few times, but if they really wanted to then I wouldn't be rude and start an arguement. It was very nice of you to offer to pay.

fuzzywiggle

I think it's nice for the man to pay on the first date especially if he's asked the woman out.

In my opinion men who go halves don't give a great impression on a first date. Women do like to be treated and it shows the man is capable of doing so!
But as it progresses it's only fair to go halves..or take turns on paying.

Ruu_Old

Try something like, "Ok I'll sort this one out and you can get us tickets to a film next time around". Best of luck next time.
I would have normally paid in full but if she would have insisted that we go halves then I would respect her wish.

Wibbs

Requiem4adream wrote: »

They dont want to feel in your debt or like they owe you anything. Especially if the date has not gone well, the boy paying for it might look like he expects something in return (a kiss goodbye even).

That would have been my take on it too TBH.

all the stars

hmmm.... Very sweet of you to bring the lady out for dinner,

If she wants to split the bill, thats ok too... Sometimes i go halves with my other half. Sometimes i pay, sometimes he pays.. Never a big deal.. Just enjoy the comany... and dont be the one who always pays..

is_that_so

Yeah got caught here more than a couple of times and had my ears roasted for getting it wrong. So confusing though. Nearly as bad as that damned door thing(Open it or not). :rolleyes:
Usually I'd always offer to pay in a date scenario, but will not fight it if she says halves. Although a couple of "Are your sure?" demonstrates your attempts to show chivalry.

Dave!

If it was me and she was very insistent I would let her pay half, but when she suggested it first I probs would have said she can pay for drinks in the bar afterwards, or she can pay next time.

cowzerp

confused1138472 wrote: »

ok so i was on my first proper date last week.we went for dinner nd at the end i ensisted on paying.she said we would go halves but i wudnt let her.my thinking was i asked her out so i should pay. is that normal or have i watched 2 many american sitcoms?? anyways dont think ill be seeing her again after the fit she threw about who shud pay. so just wondering what other people do?

The reason why men paid for the dinners years ago was the drastic difference in earnings between men and women-them days are over, equal rights are here and thats all she wanted-she did not want to feel owned! me and my girl take turns to pay for meals and it works well for us!

mikemac

Requiem4adream wrote: »

There are 2 reasons girls get insistent: 1. feminism/independence/paying their own way in life. All fair. 2. They dont want to feel in your debt or like they owe you anything. Especially if the date has not gone well, the boy paying for it might look like he expects something in return (a kiss goodbye even).

Yep, so true! You tend to give good advice around here

My take would be offer to pay, most of the time she'll ask to go halves. Then offer to pay again and if she still insists a second time then go halves or if she says nothing then pay.
So basically ask twice and for the love of god, don't make a big deal out it.
Path of least resistance.

And if she never,ever pays anything after numorous dates and is earning more or the same as you, kick her to the curb

bren2002

Years ago when I first started going out with my GF we would take turns, very occasionally splitting 50/50. Some times one would pay for the meal and the other would take the wine & tip. Generally it always worked out pretty even. Unless of course it was one or the others birthday in which case the birthday person never paid. These days we've pooled all of our money and so it really doesn't matter who pays for what me, her or the joint account.

meglome

You asked her out so I wouldn't see any issue with you paying. But if she was insistent then either tell her she can pay the next time or get the drinks. If that didn't wash then just accept that she pay half. You tried to do something nice but you can't make other people accept it.

Unaton

Halves in this situation. It was important to this girl that she pays too.

My bf also insists on paying for everything. His excuse is that I earn less than him and I like to spend my money on other things, nice clothes, hair, so I need the money more than he does.

Liam Byrne

Ruu wrote: »

Try something like, "Ok I'll sort this one out and you can get us tickets to a film next time around". Best of luck next time.
I would have normally paid in full but if she would have insisted that we go halves then I would respect her wish.

Spot on - use the situation to suss out whether you've a chance at a second date; PLUS (if there's a worry about an expectation in return, which I wouldn't have thought of but a few posters mentioned) it'll mean there's then a chance that anything happening later won't be viewed as a one-night-stand.

amtc

as a girl. i will either pay or he pays. This half thing - no way.
I think it depends who asks, he or she should offer to pay.
In a relationship, just every second time, pick up the tab.

Mind you was in a restaurant last week with a guy (friend, nothing romantic) and the waitress gave him the bill - which I paid and she stood beside me as I did so, entering my laser pin - and then gave the card back to him! no tip there! It was a restaurant in townto which I will not be returning!

Miss Fluff

You asked her out so of course it is acceptable that you pay. If her wanting to go halves do like Ruu suggested or someone else who mentioned that you suggest she get the first drinks in or what have you. I'm all for independent women etc but if a man wants to pay for me that's OK too, nice to know chivalry isn't dead.

And what kind of "fit" did she throw over you trying to pay OP?

sharkie2008

i think it acceptable for you to pay if you have asked her out but if she wants to split the bill then thats fine. i don't see why she would throw a fit over it, i think some people can be kind of funny about this kind of thing

LegacyUser

Im pretty independent but i think/expect a guy to at least offer to pay on the first date, id offer to pay regardless but on the first date id like him to insist he pays...otherwise id prob think he was a bit cheap. However thereafter it should be roughly halfs or pay every second date. I treat guys the way id want my brothers to be treated...i have lil to no respect for girls who use guys as atms...thats my views anyway

lonely heart

Hi there,

I would say that it was really nice of you to bring her out for a meal, and fair play to you, and given that it was a first date it was lovely of you to pay for it. Its nice to be treated like a lady.

But after that, if there were further dates, it should be 50:50 or one pay for meal say, and other pay for drinks / cinema tickets..... anyways keeping it even is what I am trying to say

Sprouts

The last thing Id want to do after enjoying a meal is squabbling on who should pay, id wait for her to go to the ladies and pay, end of story. It doesn't cost the world anyway so whats the big deal who pays really.

Sangre

I don't think this is that tricky.

If I'm asking someone out on a date, I'll insist on paying. If we're going out I'd expect we pay halves unless it is a special occassion and I'm treating here.

LeixlipRed

Tbh, I wouldn't date a girl who expected me to pay for everything on the first date. In fact I'd find that pretty unattractive. Obviously if I was in a serious relationship you have the whole "I'll pay for this one" thing which over time levels itself out. My advice is next time suss it out before you go on a date so you know how to act on it.

Alice Junge

depends on the person, do you want to treat them and in return they can treat you next time so it balances out!

vincenzo1975

It doesnt matter who pays, if this decended into a fight on the first date there must have been other stuff going wrong.
move on I says.

At the start of a relationship, its important that each can feel they can spoil the other by taking turns on paying, but as it progresses, halves it is.

I certainly would not keep going out with a freeloader who wanted me to pay for everything, like cmon it is the naughties and will very soon be the tennies. By then the ladies will have overtaken us, we will have the glass ceiling, do you think chivalry will reverse itself and they will pay for us??????