help...trapped...suicidal...not a good person

LegacyUser

Hi I'm ashamed of this
Im addicted to porn. I look it up all the time. I spend hours masturbating to it. I also think of women and sex and partying all the time.
Im in a serious relationship and yet I cant stop. Ive kissed other girls, got as far as heavy petting, but it went no further. I wanted to but I stopped. Ive noticed more and more how girls find me attractive (which I never used to beleive), and I wish I was younger and self confident and lived my life differently. Ive contacted people online to see their pics and fantasise about meeting them. Im getting more and more tempted to break up with my partner but things are complicated...
I love her sometimes and not other times and she's pregnant and due real soon and I feel like such a sh!t. Ive had suicidal thoughts at least 10 times each day and then I swing to euphoria. I feel resentment towards her sometimes as if its her fault when deep down I know its not. I hate myself but I know if I was single and the baby wasnt coming Id be fine cos Id only have myself to take care of.
Im really on the edge here. My job is horrible but I cant quit cos Id have a hard time finding something I like. It feels like I should have been honest with her long ago and told her how f00ked up I am.
Please help

estar

ok

first of all try and stop panicing. you seem to be trying to escape
your real life in any way possible. diving into porn, partying etc
while not addressing any of the reasons that you are feeling
trapped or doing anything about it.

next, being a parent is about being unselfish. asking people are you
evil is childish. no you arent evil. but you arent exactly acting like
a grown up either. of course there are other career options for you.
maybe your timing isnt great with the baby, but you definitely
have options. grow up and take stock of your life before you become
a parent, as sorry mate, when the baby arrives, their needs come first.

thirdly, everything you do in this life, is because you make a choice.
you might be addicted to the release of porn, and the escapism,
but its your choice to indulge rather than seeking help and finding
the reason why you want to engage more with fantasy than real
life.

fourthly - your partner and child are probably better off with no
father than a father that resents them and is having sneaky mini
affairs. thats no example to give any child.

so what can you do about it

seek some help. hating yourself really isnt appropriate or in any way
useful. it achieves nothing except makes you want to escape more.
so stop hating and start doing.

no more partying like a single free man. you arent one now.
you should be caring for your partner and future child with the
money and time spent partying. the more you give in this life the
more you get back.

seek out some help for the porn addiction.
not sure what exists out there, but google services and see if there
are treatment services.

good luck

estar

the mood swings. discuss with your doctor. asap

The Sweeper

Yes, OP, definitely discuss the suicidal to euphoria swings with your doctor immediately. Make the appointment right now.

You may not realise it, but the promiscuous behaviour and the messed up feelings about the arrival of your child could just be symptoms of a larger problem. I hate the idea of saying to someone on the internet "you could have a mental health problem", but uncontrollable mood swings from low mood to elation are not everyday occurrences for most people.

If my suspicions are correct, the arrival of your child could make things even worse and send you over the edge - not because you're horrible, or mean, or f00ked up as you put it, but because it would be a trigger for a condition that is currently outside your control.

See your GP. Don't focus on "I watch porn and therefore I'm a bad man". Lead with "I am having suicidal thoughts. Sometimes 10 times a day. Then I feel euphoric, on top of the world, invincible."

Have you ever thought about how you would commit suicide? Are you sleeping normally at the moment? Are you sleeping for long periods, or do you have insomnia? Do you feel at times your mind is racing?

Have a think about those questions and see if any of your answers are "Yeah, actaully" - you really, really need to see your GP.

Moss

You could try get rid of your personal computer to prevent you looking at porn so much.

Increased sexual desire is a symptom of elation/mania. Your mood seems to be cycling very rapidly - as the above posters said contact your doctor immediately.

estar

fourthly - your partner and child are probably better off with no
father than a father that resents them and is having sneaky mini
affairs. thats no example to give any child.

when i wrote the above i didnt look at the wording properly.

this in no way should be seen as an encouragement to your
suicidal thoughts. these thoughts are a sign that you are unwell and
should seek medical help. so please do that.

there is no such thing as a situation that cannot be dealt with
you are just overwhelmed as dealing with all these feelings on
your own, and you dont have to.

AARRRGH

AmIEvil????? wrote: »

Hi I'm ashamed of this
Im addicted to porn. I look it up all the time. I spend hours masturbating to it. I also think of women and sex and partying all the time.

Absolutely nothing to be ashamed of.

Sex is a natural, beautiful thing, so wanting to watch it is normal. There is also nothing wrong with being aroused, or with having orgasms. It's all natural, and it's all harmless.

We're brought up in this country to associate guilty feelings with sex. Forget about that ****.

If you spending a lot of time looking at porn, it's probably best to cut back a bit. Just like everything: moderation is the key!

AmIEvil????? wrote: »

Im in a serious relationship and yet I cant stop. Ive kissed other girls, got as far as heavy petting, but it went no further. I wanted to but I stopped. Ive noticed more and more how girls find me attractive (which I never used to beleive), and I wish I was younger and self confident and lived my life differently. Ive contacted people online to see their pics and fantasise about meeting them. Im getting more and more tempted to break up with my partner but things are complicated...

It sounds like you need to be single again. This happens to most people at some stage in their lives. Again, this is not abnormal, and not something you should feel ashamed about.

If you are cheating, you need to decide if you can stop doing it and commit to your partner, or if you need to break up. Do whichever will make you and her happiest in the long term (which very well might be breaking up now.)

AmIEvil????? wrote: »

I love her sometimes and not other times and she's pregnant and due real soon and I feel like such a sh!t.

Just because she's pregnant doesn't mean you have to stay with her.

It's OK to break up. You can still be a good father by being there for the kid.

My brother is a single father. He sees his kid every weekend and does a great job. The kid is happy.

Honestly you can still do the right thing without remaining in your current relationship.

AmIEvil????? wrote: »

Im really on the edge here. My job is horrible but I cant quit cos Id have a hard time finding something I like. It feels like I should have been honest with her long ago and told her how f00ked up I am.
Please help

I've worked in some ****ty jobs, but I've always reminded myself that I'm getting paid to be there. I also make an effort to create friendships in work so I have someone I can have a laugh with and bitch about work with. It makes a huge difference. Make an effort to accept your job as a means to an end, and in the meantime look out for a new job.

Your situation is totally manageable. You are not trapped. It's OK to break up with your partner; you can still be a good dad.

I really recommend therapy. Worst case scenario you'll have someone to talk to about all this.

IamBeowulf

AmIEvil????? wrote: »

Hi I'm ashamed of this
Im addicted to porn. I look it up all the time. I spend hours masturbating to it. I also think of women and sex and partying all the time.
Im in a serious relationship and yet I cant stop. Ive kissed other girls, got as far as heavy petting, but it went no further. I wanted to but I stopped. Ive noticed more and more how girls find me attractive (which I never used to beleive), and I wish I was younger and self confident and lived my life differently. Ive contacted people online to see their pics and fantasise about meeting them. Im getting more and more tempted to break up with my partner but things are complicated...
I love her sometimes and not other times and she's pregnant and due real soon and I feel like such a sh!t. Ive had suicidal thoughts at least 10 times each day and then I swing to euphoria. I feel resentment towards her sometimes as if its her fault when deep down I know its not. I hate myself but I know if I was single and the baby wasnt coming Id be fine cos Id only have myself to take care of.
Im really on the edge here. My job is horrible but I cant quit cos Id have a hard time finding something I like. It feels like I should have been honest with her long ago and told her how f00ked up I am.
Please help

The most important thing you have to do is look at your life and decide what it is that is upsetting you. Jobs are tough but if you're having a child then they come first. My girl is gonna have her baby any day now (they say 3 weeks or so but I reckon the fecker's about to pop) and its a hell of alot of pressure on me---long story!
Relationships go through sh*tty times and sometimes they don't improve but cheating won't do any good. I've been tempted and I've felt terrible for thinking along those lines. But it's the actions you take that decide what kind of person you are.
All I can say is decide do you love her truly. It's not an easy question to answer when the truth is ugly but you must face upto the hardest decisions sometimes.

cjmcork

OP - I feel for you but see a doctor immediately........cos your partner has enough to be dealing with without having to grieve for you - I'm not being smart, being a parent is probably the most important thing in the world and she will need you to be around and alot very soon - see your GP, there are groups, counselling, medication - look after yourself and think long and hard about what you'd be leaving behind if you finish it - it's not fair to those that are left behind, cos they are the ones who will feel guilt and always wonder why.