? for the ladies

henboy9

hi girls -hope ye don't mind but i'm looking for some advice.-may be i should be writing this to dear deidre but here goe's.recentl broke up with my gf was seeing her about 7 months,we used to do the usual stuff that couples do walks on the beach -cinema -meals out -short city breaks all the nice stuff.we broke up because of a silly arguement.put it this way ladies if she could get a saftey pin and pin us together prob would suit her.i work hard gave her plenty of attention-compliments =hugs kisses and i listened to her problems thats what you do when you love some one.she was in to argueing and i was'nt.still have feelings for her when we did get on it was great i just did'nt like argueing.so after 7 months what makes a girl go like that any ideas because i'm all at sea lol

Cathmandooo

man that was difficult to read, try punctuating a bit more. I don't understand the question. What made her go like what? Are you asking about her argueing? Some people just argue, maybe she wasn't happy. Giving someone everything isnt generally a good thing.

No one here knows how your ex feels, you'll have to ask her if you want to know.

Wibbs

Ok now I'm a bloke but.....:D I would say any number of things can cause her to go off you. Someone else she's more attracted to enough to leave you. Her being very clingy and you playing into that strangely enough. You being too clingy or being too much of a wuss with indistinct boundaries. You not knowing what you want. Her not knowing what she wants. Her finding out something in your personality(or hers) that makes a future with you not look so good. It didnt come out of the blue either. The reason for her thinking of moving on probably happened a good while before she actually left. Her arguments and what they were about usually holds the key. All healthy relationships will have arguments, but if they're not resolved. 7 months in you should still be in the blinkered loves young dream so it was probably something pretty obvious, at least to her.

Irishbird has the right notion, ask her. It probably wont get her back, but it may give you an idea what to avoid in the future on your own side or what to avoid in potential girlfriends.

Cathmandooo

Wibbs wrote: »

Irishbird has the right notion, ask her.

I'm not irishbird :eek::eek:

ztoical

Cathooo wrote: »

man that was difficult to read, try punctuating a bit more. I don't understand the question. What made her go like what? Are you asking about her argueing? Some people just argue, maybe she wasn't happy. Giving someone everything isnt generally a good thing.

No one here knows how your ex feels, you'll have to ask her if you want to know.

+1 That was difficult to read and this isn't PI. Can't really make a comment as I've only your side where you made yourself sound like such a great boyfriend who never did anything wrong in the relationship and the only reason you argued was because she like to argue - I think there may be another side to this.

Wibbs

Cathooo wrote: »

I'm not irishbird :eek::eek:

Good god madam, you are not! Apologies. Suffering from one hell of a hangover.

Cathmandooo

Wibbs wrote: »

Good god madam, you are not! Apologies. Suffering from one hell of a hangover.

That's quite alright

Jules

Moved to PI, you will get much more advice over there.

Jules

henboy9

Wibbs wrote: »

Ok now I'm a bloke but.....:D I would say any number of things can cause her to go off you. Someone else she's more attracted to enough to leave you. Her being very clingy and you playing into that strangely enough. You being too clingy or being too much of a wuss with indistinct boundaries. You not knowing what you want. Her not knowing what she wants. Her finding out something in your personality(or hers) that makes a future with you not look so good. It didnt come out of the blue either. The reason for her thinking of moving on probably happened a good while before she actually left. Her arguments and what they were about usually holds the key. All healthy relationships will have arguments, but if they're not resolved. 7 months in you should still be in the blinkered loves young dream so it was probably something pretty obvious, at least to her.

Irishbird has the right notion, ask her. It probably wont get her back, but it may give you an idea what to avoid in the future on your own side or what to avoid in potential girlfriends.

thanks for the advice -and if i came across as boyfriend of the year thats not my intention

Beetlebum

Jules wrote: »

Moved to PI, you will get much more advice over there.

Jules

Not with a mangled up mess of a post like that he won't!
I can't understand what he's asking even....maybe it's just me being slow but I found that to be a very irratating read!!

Gyalist

henboy9 wrote: »

hi girls -hope ye don't mind but i'm looking for some advice.-may be i should be writing this to dear deidre but here goe's.recentl broke up with my gf was seeing her about 7 months,we used to do the usual stuff that couples do walks on the beach -cinema -meals out -short city breaks all the nice stuff.we broke up because of a silly arguement.put it this way ladies if she could get a saftey pin and pin us together prob would suit her.i work hard gave her plenty of attention-compliments =hugs kisses and i listened to her problems thats what you do when you love some one.she was in to argueing and i was'nt.still have feelings for her when we did get on it was great i just did'nt like argueing.so after 7 months what makes a girl go like that any ideas because i'm all at sea lol

The short answer is that you are too "nice". Sometimes the sexiest thing you can say to a woman is the word *NO*. I could give you a much more detailed answer but I'm finding it difficult to parse what you wrote.

LegacyUser

henboy9 wrote: »

hi girls -hope ye don't mind but i'm looking for some advice.-may be i should be writing this to dear deidre but here goe's.recentl broke up with my gf was seeing her about 7 months,we used to do the usual stuff that couples do walks on the beach -cinema -meals out -short city breaks all the nice stuff.we broke up because of a silly arguement.put it this way ladies if she could get a saftey pin and pin us together prob would suit her.i work hard gave her plenty of attention-compliments =hugs kisses and i listened to her problems thats what you do when you love some one.she was in to argueing and i was'nt.still have feelings for her when we did get on it was great i just did'nt like argueing.so after 7 months what makes a girl go like that any ideas because i'm all at sea lol

I hear what you're saying. Twas the same in the relationship I had with my GF of 15 months. But it always seemed that I was on the back foot all the time. Anything that would make her flip would and it would last if not the whole night, then a day or two. It was soul destroying at times and the wost thing was that she never saw it as her fault. She just had these emotions that were making her feel bad and blamed me. And eventually all this resentment built up and snapped the two of us. I was to blame sure for a lot especially in not trying to understand her feelings and trying to explain mine. I don't know, it seems like she had no skills in identifing what she was feeling and became defensive. I too gave her attention and compliments, to beat the band, and I wonder now if I had been a bit more tougher with her might we still be together. I don't think she apologosed once for anything. I don't know.
Hope this insight from somebody who's been there helps.

BTW we broke up on a stupid argument while dining on St Valentines Day. How fickle love is!

Magicmatilda

Can you give us more info on the kinds of things she was arguing about?

Sometimes the most irritaing thing is when you are trying to put a point accross and the guy won't argue his side. He either just agrees for the easy thing to do or shrugs off your point.

henboy9

Magicmatilda wrote: »

Can you give us more info on the kinds of things she was arguing about?

Sometimes the most irritaing thing is when you are trying to put a point accross and the guy won't argue his side. He either just agrees for the easy thing to do or shrugs off your point.

i think when your argueing 2 people should have there say.I guess thats why some guys stay quiet. BECAUSE sometimes you can't get a word in anyway.i like 2 way conversations

---

here is an example went for a walk one day seemingly my dog and i were walking to slow,that started an argument because i just said his a dog he likes to stop now and again to sniff the odd tree-the girl lost it stormed off in a huff. strange indeed

henboy9

Corkbhoy71 wrote: »

I hear what you're saying. Twas the same in the relationship I had with my GF of 15 months. But it always seemed that I was on the back foot all the time. Anything that would make her flip would and it would last if not the whole night, then a day or two. It was soul destroying at times and the wost thing was that she never saw it as her fault. She just had these emotions that were making her feel bad and blamed me. And eventually all this resentment built up and snapped the two of us. I was to blame sure for a lot especially in not trying to understand her feelings and trying to explain mine. I don't know, it seems like she had no skills in identifing what she was feeling and became defensive. I too gave her attention and compliments, to beat the band, and I wonder now if I had been a bit more tougher with her might we still be together. I don't think she apologosed once for anything. I don't know.
Hope this insight from somebody who's been there helps.

BTW we broke up on a stupid argument while dining on St Valentines Day. How fickle love is!

thats it hit the nail on the head--thanks

henboy9

Gyalist wrote: »

The short answer is that you are too "nice". Sometimes the sexiest thing you can say to a woman is the word *NO*. I could give you a much more detailed answer but I'm finding it difficult to parse what you wrote.

sorry about the typing new to this so bear with me ---i agree with what your saying , what happens if someone has it in there head that there right ,even tho there way wrong.

Gyalist

henboy9 wrote: »

sorry about the typing new to this so bear with me ---i agree with what your saying , what happens if someone has it in there head that there right ,even tho there way wrong.

You dump them and move on to find someone else with a more agreeable personality.

You have to first define to yourself what you would consider clear standards of acceptable behaviour then enforce those standards rigourously.

I've said it before and I'll say it again, not every woman who shows an interest in you is relationship material.

However, you also need to disabuse yourself of some of those fairytale romantic notions that you have.

RedXIV

Gyalist wrote: »

However, you also need to disabuse yourself of some of those fairytale romantic notions that you have.

These above notions are usually greatly portrayed on films and television, and plenty will say that they would do anything for their beloved....

Well nine times out of ten, they don't want that. You give a woman everything they want, they take you for granted, they get bored and and they seek something else.

As said earlier, learn to say no. don't back down in arguments you know you're right about and don't give her her own way all the time. sounds contradictory but i assure you it works

Wibbs

RedXIV wrote: »

These above notions are usually greatly portrayed on films and television, and plenty will say that they would do anything for their beloved....

Well nine times out of ten, they don't want that. You give a woman everything they want, they take you for granted, they get bored and and they seek something else.

As said earlier, learn to say no. don't back down in arguments you know you're right about and don't give her her own way all the time. sounds contradictory but i assure you it works

I agree with this wholeheartedly. It's not being a git about it either, but if you come across as agreeing with her all the time she will lose respect for you and often she'll escalate the nagging or arguments, looking for a reaction from you. It suggests to her that you'll take any of her crap as she's your only hope or the best you could get. Not good.

Your reaction should be clear calm and precise while standing your ground on things that matter to you. Listen to her point of view and wait until she's finished. When she is put your point across. If she interrupts, quietly and calmly stop her as she is not giving you the simple courtesy of listening as you did.

The dog incident was mad altogether. In that case don't play into the madness and suggest that if she wants to walk on ahead that's fine by you. Trying to logic your way out of a pointless argument with anyone, male or female is itself pointless.

Now of course the issue may not have been about the dog per se. It was probably just borne out of her general frustration with something about the day or you. Of course everyone has bad days and some women can be effected by their hormones quite badly*. Sometimes it's not about you, a lot of the time it's not so it's not a hard and fast rule but you must have boundaries and stand your ground.

Most important. Do NOT match emotional outburst with emotional outburst. That is the quickest way for a woman to lose trust in your ability to be calm in the face of trouble. Not good. Women want a man who is sensitive, but they don't want a man who acts in a stereotypical "girly" way. That's the kiss of death. If you want to be emo, do it on your own time.

This isn't even that much a gender thing. I would do exactly the same with a guy who was acting unreasonable or trying to score points at my expense. I have personal boundaries and while I would have leeway with those I love and certainly with those going through a hard time, there is a line they should not cross. I have that with my friends and I respect their boundaries too, male and female. I don't see why all bets are off just because I'm sleeping with someone. Indeed I would expect more consideration.







* This is not the usual get out of jail free "it's her hormones" card. A still valued ex of mine is/was a really sound intelligent balanced person. One of my big loves from way back in my youth fact. She was all that except for 3 or 4 days every month. Then she became another person. An emotional wreck in quite a lot of pain to boot. There was very little you could do or say right. You just had to ride it out. I gather her now husband found the same. He told me himself. Nice guy though. They had a child and apparently that has eased off a lot. reset the mechanism or something.

henboy9

Wibbs wrote: »

I agree with this wholeheartedly. It's not being a git about it either, but if you come across as agreeing with her all the time she will lose respect for you and often she'll escalate the nagging or arguments, looking for a reaction from you. It suggests to her that you'll take any of her crap as she's your only hope or the best you could get. Not good.

Your reaction should be clear calm and precise while standing your ground on things that matter to you. Listen to her point of view and wait until she's finished. When she is put your point across. If she interrupts, quietly and calmly stop her as she is not giving you the simple courtesy of listening as you did.

The dog incident was mad altogether. In that case don't play into the madness and suggest that if she wants to walk on ahead that's fine by you. Trying to logic your way out of a pointless argument with anyone, male or female is itself pointless.

Now of course the issue may not have been about the dog per se. It was probably just borne out of her general frustration with something about the day or you. Of course everyone has bad days and some women can be effected by their hormones quite badly*. Sometimes it's not about you, a lot of the time it's not so it's not a hard and fast rule but you must have boundaries and stand your ground.

Most important. Do NOT match emotional outburst with emotional outburst. That is the quickest way for a woman to lose trust in your ability to be calm in the face of trouble. Not good. Women want a man who is sensitive, but they don't want a man who acts in a stereotypical "girly" way. That's the kiss of death. If you want to be emo, do it on your own time.

This isn't even that much a gender thing. I would do exactly the same with a guy who was acting unreasonable or trying to score points at my expense. I have personal boundaries and while I would have leeway with those I love and certainly with those going through a hard time, there is a line they should not cross. I have that with my friends and I respect their boundaries too, male and female. I don't see why all bets are off just because I'm sleeping with someone. Indeed I would expect more consideration.







* This is not the usual get out of jail free "it's her hormones" card. A still valued ex of mine is/was a really sound intelligent balanced person. One of my big loves from way back in my youth fact. She was all that except for 3 or 4 days every month. Then she became another person. An emotional wreck in quite a lot of pain to boot. There was very little you could do or say right. You just had to ride it out. I gather her now husband found the same. He told me himself. Nice guy though. They had a child and apparently that has eased off a lot. reset the mechanism or something.

thanks that makes good reading and some sense

Lillylilly

Your ex obviously has attachment issues- the whole clingy thing, lilke!!
I would very much doubt it has anything to do with you.

Also, some people are into the drama of arguing over nothing- did her life consist of a lot of that- her home/ family life??
A lot of the time, people don't feel valued unless they are being fought for, especially if it's what they're used to!

Good luck,

L.

Wagon

You certainly fall into the nice chap category. you just wanted to make her happy. However the sickeningly ironic thing in life is that if you are happy and treated well all the time, then you'll take it for granted and not appreciate it and that's what she did. She needed a bit of drama in her life (correctly pointed out above), so she created it for herself. Not fair on you though.

As others have already said, you don't have to say "yes" all the time. You're only human (unless your one of those really nice respectable aliens with the good nature and spaceships made of candy, but let's not get into that now :pac:) and shouldn't have to agree with someone if you don't want to. To he honest, "the dog incident" made me pi55ed me off to read. It's the type of dramatic crap you do when you're a teenager. Run a mile and find someone better for you. I was in the same boat, i aged considerably before I reached the shore

henboy9

THANKS -going to get some back bone for my self,and learn to say no

seraphimvc

Wibbs wrote: »

I agree with this wholeheartedly. It's not being a git about it either, but if you come across as agreeing with her all the time she will lose respect for you and often she'll escalate the nagging or arguments, looking for a reaction from you. It suggests to her that you'll take any of her crap as she's your only hope or the best you could get. Not good.

Your reaction should be clear calm and precise while standing your ground on things that matter to you. Listen to her point of view and wait until she's finished. When she is put your point across. If she interrupts, quietly and calmly stop her as she is not giving you the simple courtesy of listening as you did.

The dog incident was mad altogether. In that case don't play into the madness and suggest that if she wants to walk on ahead that's fine by you. Trying to logic your way out of a pointless argument with anyone, male or female is itself pointless.

Now of course the issue may not have been about the dog per se. It was probably just borne out of her general frustration with something about the day or you. Of course everyone has bad days and some women can be effected by their hormones quite badly*. Sometimes it's not about you, a lot of the time it's not so it's not a hard and fast rule but you must have boundaries and stand your ground.

Most important. Do NOT match emotional outburst with emotional outburst. That is the quickest way for a woman to lose trust in your ability to be calm in the face of trouble. Not good. Women want a man who is sensitive, but they don't want a man who acts in a stereotypical "girly" way. That's the kiss of death. If you want to be emo, do it on your own time.

This isn't even that much a gender thing. I would do exactly the same with a guy who was acting unreasonable or trying to score points at my expense. I have personal boundaries and while I would have leeway with those I love and certainly with those going through a hard time, there is a line they should not cross. I have that with my friends and I respect their boundaries too, male and female. I don't see why all bets are off just because I'm sleeping with someone. Indeed I would expect more consideration.







* This is not the usual get out of jail free "it's her hormones" card. A still valued ex of mine is/was a really sound intelligent balanced person. One of my big loves from way back in my youth fact. She was all that except for 3 or 4 days every month. Then she became another person. An emotional wreck in quite a lot of pain to boot. There was very little you could do or say right. You just had to ride it out. I gather her now husband found the same. He told me himself. Nice guy though. They had a child and apparently that has eased off a lot. reset the mechanism or something.

+1 good stuff!