Anger...

LegacyUser

Hi Everyone

Was hoping you might be able to help me ...
I no i have personal issues that go way back and as a result of these issues... i am paranoid im agressive im defensive and its taking its toll on my relationship with my boyfriend...
I over react at the smallest things and if we have a fight i can only see that im right and every one else is wrong ...
in saying that , its not like im angry all day every day most days im very happy and content in my relationship but when i am angry its very hard to control it ..as result of my temper things can be thrown etc...
does any one have some helpful advice ?Anyone no of any good anger management books?

Mazeire

Is it just your relationship that this is affecting or is it spilling over to other things as well?
Get counselling. What you are doing is abuse pure and simple and nothing will justify that. Cop on and sort yourself out before your partner wakes up smells the coffee and calls the Gardai.

Wurly

Mazeire, I think your post is a little unhelpful to be honest. The OP is looking for help. Telling her to 'cop on' solves nothing!! Lots of people have issues with anger and saying things like her boyfriend will call the gardai reinforces the stigma attached to anger and certainly wont make the OP feel any better! The first step to getting better is asking for help, which she has done.

OP, have you tried congnitive behavioural therapy? A lot of counsellors specialise in it now. Its basically re-training your brain to react differently to certain situations. PM me for a really good counsellors name who specifically deals with anger - she's great.

Managing Anger by Gael Lindenfield is also an excellent book.

Another good method is trying to remove yourself from the situation ASAP. If you find yourself bubbling up before you realise, try snapping an elastic band against your wrist to remind you that you have got angry and try to remove yourself from the situation. Writing down what's made you angry also helps. You can see things more objectively that way and you have inadvertently vented some of your frustrations.

The very best of luck.

Mazeire

No Sorry, if the OP was saying that her boyfriend was throwing stuff at her, people would be telling her to head for the door. I don't feel that her gender or the fact that she is saying she "has issues" excuses her behaviour. Because the victim in this case is male, does not make his feelings any less valid or real just because he is physically stronger. Fair enough to say that there is a stigma attached to anger, but the OP is getting physical, which is abuse and assault and there are potential legal consequences attached to that. I was just stating fact.
Plus I suggested counselling which is what you did except you prettied it up more

Wurly

In fairness, she said 'things get thrown'. She didnt necessarily say that she threw things at him. There is a difference. However, yes I agree that either way its wrong and unpleasant for the other person. She is already aware of the fact that she needs to deal with this, otherwise she would not have posted.

Anyhoo, back on topic. :rolleyes:

Overheal

Tri wrote: »

Writing down what's made you angry also helps. You can see things more objectively that way and you have inadvertently vented some of your frustrations.

I did this for a while in my teens, and id still be doing it if i didnt leave it out for my parents to discover >.<

I made a habit of writing what was on my mind before i slept. By the next afternoon you have a re-read and the result is obvious: it gives you a fairly good look in the mirror: you get to see how you think when youre angry. You begin to realise how irrational you were, etc. even your handwriting looks different.

Its a very good place to start. Get an A4 copy and find a good hiding spot for it: you will write a lot of things that just shouldnt see the light of day. I recommend handwriting (no typing; no editing; and you can tell a lot from the difference in your handwriting due to your emotional state).

LegacyUser

HI everyone thanks for the replies ..
Mazeire , i dont throw things at my boyfriend , he is not a victim or in any danger . Its me that is afraid of me ... i dont like getting so angry that the only way i can release it is by smashing something ... and i resent very much that you would come on here after i asking for help and call me an abuser . without any facts ....

Tri & Overheal, I found your posts very helpful , i have bought a book but its an american one and it comes across as a little far fetched and hard to read ... i asked in the shop if they had any good anger management books and she just dismissively told me to look at some cd that had come... which i bought also and which was rubbish ! I will look for the book you suggested. And def look into the therapy side of things too.

I am def going to try the elastic band and the writing things down .... even now as i write i feel as if im getting back the control over my anger.. but its in the moment that is the test but im determined to find a better way of dealing with it ....

Aurora Borealis

Total advocate of the elastic band snap of it reminder. Works for loads of things...
Well done on addressing this problem and best of luck with finding a solution.

AB.