A poem , abuse welcomed

zenmonk

7.50 AM:

Bumper to bleeding bumper
Rat a tat on the wheel
Scanning the radio stations
Looking to hear …anything …
A centipede of red lights
Strung out like beads
Going one way then the other.

shantor

the words you use are kind of harsh and it makes me think of road rage

but the centipede thing works

ma 2 cents!!

nervous_twitch

Sometimes when you're stuck in traffic, poetry is not the answer

Mr. Presentable

zenmonk wrote: »

]


Looking to hear …anything

You don't look to hear. You look to see. Other than that....

shantor

maybe it was written more as a song lyric??

wouldnt be amiss in an oasis song etc

K4t

That wasn't half bad.

Better than a lot of the senseless babbling we have to study at school.

You could relate to that piece so well, everything was true.

More please

sitout

not good at all to be honest. pretty boring.

Insect Overlord

sitout wrote: »

not good at all to be honest. pretty boring.

Bit harsh, tbh :rolleyes:

That said I agree with you to an extent. It's not a very exciting poem. However, it does deal with rather dull subject matter ( i.e. getting stuck in traffic) so what do you expect?

It captures the mood fairly well, and the image of traffic lights as "red beads" is pretty effective. At once they could symbolise both the monotony of the situation and the anderlying anger of the driver.
Nipplenuts makes a good point though, "looking to hear" doesn't work at all.

fillup

looking to hear is a great line...
it captures the head movement when a person strains to either look or hear what's going on...

traffic is a pain in the ass.. more of a snake than a centipede in my opinion....

and if you think it's bad in ennis....

zenmonk

Thanks to everyone that commented (even the bad!!) alot of good pointers there.
Just about the "boring" comment, I agree with this and to an extent it is a boring subject matter as well, I tried to convey the utter monotony, despair, dreariness and futility of rush hour traffic in the poem.
Thanks Again
S.F

elshambo

zenmonk wrote: »

7.50 AM:

Bumper to bleeding bumper
Rat a tat on the wheel
Scanning the radio stations
Looking to hear …anything …
A centipede of red lights
Strung out like beads
Going one way then the other.

I read yer bleedin poem
about your rat race cage
metal trailing metal
and impending sence of rage
scannin radio stations
lookin for John Peel?
that lad is long gone
along with anything close to real
centipede at red lights
move 100 feet no more
Im the one on two feet
walkin briskly outside yer bleedin door

zenmonk

classic

elshambo

zenmonk wrote: »

classic

Cheers
I take it the "thanks" mean they liked it, not up with the msg board lingo

I occansionally write what i like to call sh*te poetry
sometimes clever, sometimes rhymes, always simple sh*te:D