Serious relationship trouble, cheating.....

LegacyUser · 19-03-2008 12:58pm #1

Ok, the story first,

Have just found out my girlfriend of almost 1 year has been seeing someone else, they have been seeing each other as boyfriend and girlfriend, while things with us, as far as I knew, were fine. She met the guy through college (we are in different colleges, but live close enough to spend most of our days and nights together). She didnt see him often, and we did spend almost every single night together, but they have had sex (though not recently). She says she wanted it to end with him but was so far into the lies she didnt want to cause any more hurt. She says she loves me very much, and I believe her.

First of all, I'm not so completely blind as to not realise what she has done, this is the worst possible thing that could have happened, but despite all this, I love her still. We are very far from ok, and right now I am only barely hanging in there, and I dont think it is because of any personal weakness, I am fully prepared to walk away, but there is some part of me that sees a tiny bit off good in her. We were set to move in together in 2 months, and we talked frequently about the future. since we got together, we have spent nearly every day and night together, with the exception of a few.

We have been talking about this since I doscovered, and I must also say there are other things going on here, issues from her childhood, and problem drinking (which I thought were resolved), and other mental health illness throughout her life. Again, Im not so stupid as to pin her cheating on this, I know sustaining a relationship with another took calculated deception.

Despite all this, I still feel something. She has promised serious change, committed to counselling and therapy (with and without me), thrown away her phone and delted every e mail and other online account she has had, promised to be with me every minute. I have never seen anyone as miserable (I do not feel anything approaching pity). She has done this before with others, and says that the difference with me is she would have walked away straight away if it were anyone else.

Thank you for reading, where I am at right now,I want her to feel more pain than she has ever felt before, but I cant imagine living me life without her in it. I feel that no matter how much hard work it would take, we can make something out of this, again in time. My question is, can this happen? Do you think anything can ever come of our relationship? Can people work through things like this? I dont need judgements, I am fully aware of the severity of what she has done. Thanks again to all who may reply, and apologies for the length.

Mr. Incognito · 19-03-2008 1:38pm

so you were her steady and he was her bit on the side.

IMO once the trust is gone it's gone. Break up with her and give it some time. In a few months time if you still have feelings for her re-examine the situation but you really need some breathing space to make and informed decision on this.

RedXIV · 19-03-2008 1:39pm

Reading over your post man, it looks like you have a long uphill battle ahead of you. If you want to stay with this girl, then you want to stay with her, end of. But you'll have to take into account that any changes in behaviour, however subtle will probably throw this all straight back at you. she may be 100% genuine now but that could change with time, and even if she remains completely faithful, paranoia could start to infect your life. There are alot of reasons why you should not go back there but if you really want this to work, then it just might. But like i said, it's gonna take a hell of a lot of work.

Best of luck in what you decide.

P.S. Just my opinion, i'd leave it. trust is a bit too important to me

Beruthiel · 19-03-2008 1:45pm

rejected28 wrote: »

Can people work through things like this? I dont need judgements.

I've heard that some people can work through something like this, I'm not one of them. I'd walk away because I would never be able to forget and it would eventually ruin the relationship either way.
Best of luck with whatever decision you make.

Balmed Out · 19-03-2008 1:48pm

leave

LegacyUser · 19-03-2008 1:51pm

Do you know that worse things haven't happened? Have you checked to see whether she contracted a deadly disease (or the like) and passed it on to you? Didn't think so.. Check before you make any decisions on anything. As for whether you can move on successfully as a couple? We aren't you so how should we know?

all the stars · 19-03-2008 1:58pm

im sorry to hear that...

Take some time.. to catch a breath and think about you, what you want. Could you ever truely forgive her for this infidelity? In time do you feel you may trust her again?

Was it soley just once and is bound to never happen again? Will you be able to cope with this? some people can work through these things - and come out stronger, helping her to resolve whatever issues it is she and define you as a solid couple, who can overcome hardship toghether.

The Hill Billy · 19-03-2008 2:28pm

rejected28 wrote: »

there are other things going on here, issues from her childhood, and problem drinking (which I thought were resolved), and other mental health illness throughout her life ...

... She has promised serious change, committed to counselling and therapy (with and without me) ... She has done this before with others...

Rejected28:

You have more than enough to be dealing with being in college never mind having to put up with this sort of carry on. Do you want to jeopardise your college grades & potential career prospects by acting as a psychological crutch to an unfaithful girlfriend? Who's to say that she will bother to stick by you?

I spent several years in a relationship with someone who had mental health issues & also some of the other issues you referred to. I thought that by sticking with her I could help her sort them out. I was wrong. It took me quite some time to realise that she needed to sort her own life out. I nearly lost my own health because of it. Cutting loose was the best thing I ever did for my own sanity, never mind hers.

Best of luck.

Gyalist · 19-03-2008 2:28pm

Let's see; we have cheating, lying, childhood issues, problem drinking, mental health issues. You've said that she has done this before with others, and yet you're considering getting in to a serious relationship with this woman. Have *you* lost your mind?

Not every woman who shows an interest in you is relationship material.

Mazeire · 19-03-2008 2:45pm

I have very little patience with people like your girlfriend who seem to use their past as justification for whenever they decide to dump on people for the rest of their lives.
Her past is not a factor in this. This is a repeated pattern of behaviour. If she truly felt remorse or if she truly felt her past was affecting her present she would have gone for counselling before now.
Also, all those other guys she cheated on? She told them exactly the same thing as she is telling you now. She has obviously had this whole "oooh you may be the one to save me" thing work for her before. Then she cheated on them again, they got sick of it and left.

She sounds like a very manipulative sick girl. But you are not her saviour. only she can do that for herself and it has to be for her own sake not anyone elses. Run for the hills. Now.

LegacyUser · 19-03-2008 3:03pm

Mistakes can happen, especially when your in college and in your early twenties...if my girlfriend cheated on me, it would be tough i'm sure but i'm also sure if i loved her and it was a mistake then i'd like to think i could work through it...

I wouldn't have been like this before but when your deep into something, it's hard to just let go.

BUT with all these excuses being used such as past and mental state...that just seems like more hassle than its worth...call me an ass, but i'd never get involved who was way more messed up than your average person.

Wibbs · 19-03-2008 3:03pm

Ok my 2 cents and while this may sound harsh at times, it's not meant to be a dig at you. Quite the opposite.

rejected28 wrote: »

Have just found out my girlfriend of almost 1 year has been seeing someone else, they have been seeing each other as boyfriend and girlfriend, while things with us, as far as I knew, were fine.

Clearly and sadly for you, as far as she was concerned they weren't or she wouldn't have cheated. Fact. Now is this your fault? Nope. It's her's. For whatever reasons she has decided(and it was a decision) that one guy wasn't enough. Fair enough, but keeping both of you in the dark(or maybe just you?) is where this becomes a serious issue.

She met the guy through college (we are in different colleges, but live close enough to spend most of our days and nights together).

While that makes it easier for her to do the dirt, it doesn't really matter to the situation.

She didnt see him often, and we did spend almost every single night together, but they have had sex (though not recently).

Again the issue is it went on, not the wherefores of it all. I can sense you're beginning to make excuses for her. Don't.

She says she wanted it to end with him but was so far into the lies she didnt want to cause any more hurt.

That's what she says. Believe what she does and has done. To be frank I don't believe a word of that. At any point she could have said no. The fact is she said yes and followed through by boning this other guy. Real simple. Now she could be the pure self centered type that goes for it and justifies it to herself afterwards or she could be the type that requires male approval and validation and will go along with self destructive stuff and justify it to herself afterwards, or she could be emotionally dense. They're really the choices you have..

She says she loves me very much, and I believe her.

I don't. The proof of the pudding is in the eating. She cheated emotionally and physically and did so long term with another guy yet claims she "loves" you? If someone said that to me, I would work on the principle, don't píss down my neck and tell me it's raining. It is what it is.

First of all, I'm not so completely blind as to not realise what she has done,

No but you're willing to forgive it. Which is fine, but it's how you do this and more importantly the changes she needs to make that is most important. I admire your courage, but I wouldn't be basing a future with someone that daft.

but despite all this, I love her still.

Naturally.

We are very far from ok, and right now I am only barely hanging in there, and I dont think it is because of any personal weakness, I am fully prepared to walk away, but there is some part of me that sees a tiny bit off good in her.

Here's the thing. Everyone has some good in them. When you're in love with someone that's magnified. It doesn't make it a good reason to stick around though. It doesn't make it a good thing to base a future on. Word to the wise, that good you see in her? It may be there, but you're not going to "cure" her of the other daftness. Even trying will break your heart and frustrate the bejesus outa you. Even if you could she would have to earn your trust again. Not so easy no matter how close she sticks to you.

We were set to move in together in 2 months, and we talked frequently about the future. since we got together, we have spent nearly every day and night together, with the exception of a few.

Yet a serious relationship like this and she throws the legover someone else? Eh Hello?

We have been talking about this since I doscovered,

What if you hadn't discovered? Would this be still going on?

and I must also say there are other things going on here, issues from her childhood, and problem drinking (which I thought were resolved), and other mental health illness throughout her life.

Again I would suggest that you stop looking for reasons. She as you say took a calculated step to be with someone else. No doubt he got some of the "love" stuff too. If it was just a shagging partner she would not have been "afraid" of hurting him. That's another thing. If she loves you and only you, surely hurting this other guy would have been easy enough when she saw how destructive this behaviour was and would be to you and her relationship with you?

Again, Im not so stupid as to pin her cheating on this, I know sustaining a relationship with another took calculated deception.

No you're not stupid at all, but you're doing what any of us would do and that is try to explain it not so much excuse it. However explaining it is on the road to excusing it IMHO. That's because you love her. If this happened to a mate of yours I suspect no explanation would be required.

Despite all this, I still feel something. She has promised serious change, committed to counselling and therapy (with and without me), thrown away her phone and delted every e mail and other online account she has had, promised to be with me every minute.

Of course she has. I suspect she's in emotional panic mode. She sees you walking away and she's freaking. None of this was in play before you found out. Now she will claim it was, but if it was she wouldn't have started it or would have stopped it. If she was thinking about the fallout yet still went through with this long term deception then she has serious issues.Issues which you have little chance of resolving and if by some miracle you do, I would put money you would be dropped soon after. I've seen that happen with "project partners". To sustain a relationship with someone emotionally damaged who repeats behaviours is very wearing. You have to keep up the front to keep them interested and essentially controlled. Sooner or later that will change though

I have never seen anyone as miserable (I do not feel anything approaching pity).

I would suspect she's doing this for a reaction for all the reasons outlined before. She may actually believe she's being honest with herself and you but I don't buy it.

She has done this before with others,

Big warning flag. Past behaviour is a good indication of future behaviour. Not always, but enough to make it a good guide to live by.

and says that the difference with me is she would have walked away straight away if it were anyone else.

Again I would say said for effect. She likes the effect and the drama in life. I would also reckon she says this because she knows you will walk away. The guys in her life before may have tried to bargain with her.

where I am at right now,I want her to feel more pain than she has ever felt before,

I understand that mate, but let it go. If she continues the way I reckon she'll continue, then pain in her life will come of it's own accord with or without your output.

but I cant imagine living me life without her in it.

That's because you love her and you've been taken by surprise. Just remember in the billions of women in this world she's not the best, nor the only one or you.

I feel that no matter how much hard work it would take, we can make something out of this, again in time. My question is, can this happen?

Yes, but most of the work has to come from her side. She has to change. If she can and is willing to work on that. Big if as people rarely change, just put a better face on. Now you also have to work on trusting her again. That's a lot of work and you're trusting(there's that word again) her to do the same or more work.

Do you think anything can ever come of our relationship? Can people work through things like this?

I've seen people work through cheating. They both worked at it and the reasons why it happened in the first place. They also took time apart to deal with the issues surrounding and leading up to the cheating and other than the infidelity they were emotionally mature people.

I wish you luck.

Dragan · 19-03-2008 3:03pm

For me the simple thing is that is someone does this to you dude then they have no respect for you.

Dump her ass and walk away. Don't give her any more contact, or chances or options to hurt you.

If you want to hurt her back the best thing you can do is get over her and live and long and happy life with a person who will respect and love you bro.

Best of luck with it mate, it's not an easy time to go through at all.

buckfast4me · 19-03-2008 3:13pm

Ive dealt with girls like that before, had 1 cheat on me with 3 different blokes within a year.

rejected28 wrote: »

She has promised serious change, committed to counselling and therapy (with and without me)

heard it all before, 99% of the time its bs.

rejected28 wrote: »

thrown away her phone and delted every e mail and other online account she has had, promised to be with me every minute.

From 1 extreme (cheating) to another (being with you every minute), relationships are not about extremes and they usually dont last.

Gobán Saor · 19-03-2008 3:24pm

OK, here's how I see it. You like her, you loved her, you had a future planned together. A part of you still wants that, and wants to forgive her and wants everything to be all right. THIS DISTORTS YOUR JUDGEMENT!! Otherwise known as "love is blind!!" You've got to take a long hard look at your situation. Wibbs post above is full of good common sense and I thoroughly agree with it. Remember it is not your job to sort out this girl's issues. When/if she sorts them out herself she MAY then be suitable relationship material for you or anybody else. I don't mean to be harsh but your responsibility is to yourself. She has given up any right to expect any more from you. I also must say she sounds extremely manipulative and seems to be playing on your good nature. Having cheated before is a major, major red flag too.

Bottom line: get out NOW. Remain friends if you really want to but if you do, don't drift back into boyfriend/girlfriend status. Date other women. Only settle for one who treats you properly - it's the least you deserve.

LegacyUser · 19-03-2008 3:42pm

I know that time is what I need right now, and I am taking it. I am not looking for an excuse, or for any fast track way to regaining what we had, I have no intention of jutifying this and reverting to happy mode, or whatever it is I thought we had.

What is on my mind right now, is whether this is a possibility, if it is possible to go through rebuilding what we had. I know how strong I am, and I know how completely inexcusable what she did was, I am fully aware that if we do start again somewhere down the line, things will never be as they were. I am not using her past issues or anything like that as an excuse (for the record, neither is she-I know this sounds like defense, but I feel it needs to be said).

What I am focusing all my energy on right now is the decision to give her another chance (make no mistake-with some serious conditions and waiting time). If anything comes of us now, it will be her earning back my trust. I do not view our time together now as a conforting reminder of justification of any decision I may make to keep going, but I can remember a time when we were good. Maybe this is my complete delusion, maybe I'm the most sensible and level headed person in the world, all I know is that there is something in me - neither a search for excuses for her behavior or fear of being alone-that tells me there just may be something worth saving in there if she puts in the work, and if I can forgive her. There was big love here at one point

Mazeire · 19-03-2008 4:02pm

rejected28 wrote: »

I know that time is what I need right now, and I am taking it. I am not looking for an excuse, or for any fast track way to regaining what we had, I have no intention of jutifying this and reverting to happy mode, or whatever it is I thought we had.

What is on my mind right now, is whether this is a possibility, if it is possible to go through rebuilding what we had. I know how strong I am, and I know how completely inexcusable what she did was, I am fully aware that if we do start again somewhere down the line, things will never be as they were. I am not using her past issues or anything like that as an excuse (for the record, neither is she-I know this sounds like defense, but I feel it needs to be said).

What I am focusing all my energy on right now is the decision to give her another chance (make no mistake-with some serious conditions and waiting time). If anything comes of us now, it will be her earning back my trust. I do not view our time together now as a conforting reminder of justification of any decision I may make to keep going, but I can remember a time when we were good. Maybe this is my complete delusion, maybe I'm the most sensible and level headed person in the world, all I know is that there is something in me - neither a search for excuses for her behavior or fear of being alone-that tells me there just may be something worth saving in there if she puts in the work, and if I can forgive her. There was big love here at one point

Sondfs like she has you wrapped right around her pinkie. Your love was based (I presume) on the assumption that both of you were both monogomous and fully committed to the relationship. You were. she was not. So how can you ever rebuild what did not exist in the first place?
If you want to get kicked in the teeth, fine. Go back. because that will be the inevitable outcome. If you want to have the relationship that you deserve somewhere down the line bite the bullet and go it alone because you will not get it with this girl.

littlefriend · 19-03-2008 4:05pm

Horrible thing to happen to you.
In my experience, people who cheat do so in every relationship. She is one of these people as she has done it in her other relationships too. Remember she wasn't with this other guy once - they had a relationship too which means she went back to him for more.
You say she has thrown away her phone & deleted her email a/c's etc and promises to be with you every second from now on. How on earth is that going to work out - its totally unsustainable not to mention unhealthy. When she gets another phone [which of course she will in a few wks when this has calmed down] are you going to feel ok everytime it beeps with a message or will you be wondering who is that etc?

I know I sound harsh and I really don't want to hurt you anymore than you already are - this things are just the facts.

I think Dragan said that the best way to hurt her is to move on and live a happy and better life. That is so true. Let her continue with her lying and all of her other issues.

I know you want someone to say that it'll be fine if you give it another chance. It won't be. Its not possible - this kind of stuff will niggle away and poison you. Don't give her more chances to damage you. You sound like a lovely guy, be good to yourself and let her go.
good luck

BankMan · 19-03-2008 4:08pm

You've been with this girl for a very short while (1 year).

Look at what she has done to you.

What are the odds of her behaviour suddenly correcting itself ?

Looking at this scenario without emotion leaves room for only 1 possible conclusion (IMO).

Get yourself outta that space, go have some fun, and find somebody else.

LegacyUser · 19-03-2008 4:15pm

Thanks to everyone who has replied here, you have no idea how much I appreciate your prespective and input.

Despite how stupid and manipulated I must appear from my comments, I think there is some objective part of me left. to be honest, at this point, I am considering allowing her the chance to regain my trust. Not by allowing her into my life as what we were, but by letting her know if she works hard at it, and commits to nothing but pure and complete openness in everything we may do from now, there is a chance that we may work in the future.

I am forgiving, but I am certainly not stupid, I know exactly what is at stake (in terms of my own happiness and wellbeing), and I know that happiness may well be as far away from her as I can possibly get, with someone else. By doing this, I feel I am being as selfish as I can be, in the best possible way, because I do, in some minute way, see something in her worth working on.

Again, I am not as blind as to know that this will take effort. If it doesnt work out, I know I can walk away with a clear head, and I know I have done everything right. I dont need convincing, I just need to know there is a chance of this working

sharkie2008 · 19-03-2008 4:17pm

Mazeire wrote: »

Sondfs like she has you wrapped right around her pinkie. Your love was based (I presume) on the assumption that both of you were both monogomous and fully committed to the relationship. You were. she was not. So how can you ever rebuild what did not exist in the first place?
.

I agree with what Mazeire is saying here. You say you and this girl had great love. love is based on trust and respect. this girl has been cheating on you, not just a one night stand, a one night stand may be forgiveable but to me this is another matter. she has been deceitful and has been seeing someone else for a while. thats not love

also you don't say how you found out about this? did she come clean and tell you or did you find out another way? if she didn't tell you then you have to wonder would it still be going on now if you didnt know?

i think you need to think long about what you want from a relationship. this girl has cheated on you and past partners and yes she may want to change but that doesn't mean she will. given her history i find it hard to believe it won't happen again

i hope everything works out for you though

Gyalist · 19-03-2008 4:17pm

OP, like you I believe that most people are decent and that there is good in everyone. However, that does not mean that everyone is suitable for a relationship.
This is not about her cheating on you, that's only the symptom. This woman has deeper underlying issues that you cannot fix.

What is on my mind right now, is whether this is a possibility, if it is possible to go through rebuilding what we had.

There's nothing there to rebuild since the original was based on a lie.

What I am focusing all my energy on right now is the decision to give her another chance (make no mistake-with some serious conditions and waiting time). If anything comes of us now, it will be her earning back my trust. I do not view our time together now as a conforting reminder of justification of any decision I may make to keep going, but I can remember a time when we were good. Maybe this is my complete delusion, maybe I'm the most sensible and level headed person in the world, all I know is that there is something in me - neither a search for excuses for her behavior or fear of being alone-that tells me there just may be something worth saving in there if she puts in the work, and if I can forgive her. There was big love here at one point.

Now she has you exactly where she wants you to be. If you have the time, google Eric Berne and Transactional Analysis. You're putting yourself in the role of her Parent and that will not work in the long run.

Get out and find yourself an emotionally healthy woman.

Irishcrx · 19-03-2008 4:31pm

To be honest, yes mistakes can happen but this wasn't just a one off she two timed you mate. That is a complete lack of respect now she has been caught and panics, had she not been caught do you think she would actually have broken it off?...I would walk away and never look back.

Miguel_Sanchez · 19-03-2008 4:37pm

Sometimes it's better to just cut your losses and walk away. I wish I had done it in the past - it would have saved me a lot of heartache and stopped me looking like a complete fool.

Some things can be overcome but when she has another guy on the go who is for all intents and purposes her 'other boyfriend' then you need to get out and get out quick. That's not just a lapse, that's something that she thought about and decided to do.

Do yourself a favour, I know it'll hurt and you will think about her an awful lot, but you are better off without her.

Wibbs · 19-03-2008 4:49pm

rejected28 wrote: »

Thanks to everyone who has replied here, you have no idea how much I appreciate your prespective and input.

Despite how stupid and manipulated I must appear from my comments, I think there is some objective part of me left. to be honest, at this point, I am considering allowing her the chance to regain my trust. Not by allowing her into my life as what we were, but by letting her know if she works hard at it, and commits to nothing but pure and complete openness in everything we may do from now, there is a chance that we may work in the future.

I am forgiving, but I am certainly not stupid, I know exactly what is at stake (in terms of my own happiness and wellbeing), and I know that happiness may well be as far away from her as I can possibly get, with someone else. By doing this, I feel I am being as selfish as I can be, in the best possible way, because I do, in some minute way, see something in her worth working on.

Again, I am not as blind as to know that this will take effort. If it doesnt work out, I know I can walk away with a clear head, and I know I have done everything right. I dont need convincing, I just need to know there is a chance of this working

For what it's worth this is a very good attitude to have which will stand to you in the future. You are describing to her your boundaries and hopefully you'll follow through on them. You clearly love this woman, faults and all and again I say that's impressive given the circumstances. You don't come across as a martyr for oul Ireland either which is the more common route. Kudos.

I dunno and I could very well have this arseways, from what you've written here, you come across as a well balanced individual(with the usual quirks we all have of course) and if that's the case then this makes her infidelity all the more troubling. Though it could be simply that she feels she doesn't deserve such a man. That's possible, but you'll likely never convince her of that. Life and hard knocks may. You'll want to but as Gyalist points out, you'll have to be her "parent" to do it. IMHO and ironically someone like you leaving her may the very thing she needs.

The answer to your question, if it's possible to come back from this as a couple? I've seen cheating being recovered from. In the case where it has, it was usually where the relatinship had gone stale and the "spark" was lost by one of the people and they went elsewhere. The "fault" was on both sides when it came to the reasons. The guy or girl who got cheated on, became blase about the relationship and people were taken for granted. Don't get me wrong the actual fault and rightful blame was on the cheater when they took that clear step. That part was not the cheated's fault.

Anyway in these cases they both worked on it and that's how they got through it. They had a genuine love and friendship that was equal enough though(surprisingly uncommon). The cheating was just a facet of the relationship if you know what I mean. They didn't have a situation where there were other issues of self destructive behaviour in one of the partners that was sure to come out one way or the other.

It's possible, but it will require very hard work. You'll have to start a new relationship with this woman and most importantly she'll have to start a new relationship with herself. If not, when this all calms down, as these things have a habit of doing, then old behaviours will surface again. She's in panic mode now because she thinks she is losing you. She doesn't believe she has lost you though. Again ironically, they only way I can see this relationship being saved is if it is lost. A very hard road ahead of you beckons if you choose to stay. I really do wish you the best of luck with it.

LegacyUser · 19-03-2008 5:25pm

I wont second guess myself as to whether I was any way at fault here: I know I wasnt. The only glimmers I have that she is sincere in her promises is the fact that she is still hoping it may work. If I am to believe that she is as completely deceitful as this appears, then her being here counts, to me as the only honest thing we have right now: the she loves me in some way, and that I love her. If not, I cant see any reason (panic aside) for her to keep this going. I have no indication that things would have ended had I not discovered, but I know she has had no contact with him in the past few weeks (she has told me, and I am simply telling you what I remember-we spent all our time together and in that time she could not have). She claims she wanted it to end (I know she had every opportunity to).

You are right in that this is, if anything going to be nothing less than a complete restart if something does come at all. I have spent every second since I discovered fixating on the bad, and let me assure anyone commenting that my decisions are being formed with a full realisation of the wrong she has done: there is no rose-tinting here.

For what it is worth, when there was good, there was serious good, failings aside for just a second-this is my justification for giving this another try. The bottom line is, I know her well, and her admissions and discussions with me have omitted no detail of her deceit - nothing has been left out. In hindsight, I had a suspicion that something was wrong, and you may call me the biggest idiot in the world for not getting out, but I always knew no matter what, we could work through it. I had no idea it was this severe.

You say the proof of the pudding is in the eating (as did someone on a pervious page-sorry I dont know how to use this very well, quoting and all.....). Our relationship was founded on openness which she abused, honesty and trust which she betrayed, and company which she took for granted, but before this, and indeed during, there was good. I saw good in her, and despite all this, (and I have (I think) embraced the extent of what she has done emotionally) I still see some small bit of good. This was the good that when things were at their best, made her the one I saw staying with me forever, starting a family with, and loving all my life. I am strong enough to walk away, memories or idealised notions of what may have been are not ruling me right now, all I have to go on now is this:

Her complete admissions and acceptance of all responsibility (of which I would expect no less)

Her sincere promises to make good by herself, and to accept that our future (if any) is premised on her hard work, and hers alone.

Her appreciation of the scale of worng she has done and the time and effort it will take to make this good again, if I didnt believe this to be possible, I wouldnt still be here.

There are some other contexts to her behavior which will form a part of any new beginning we may have, and with no hint of defense, and with input from a close, and mature friend (who has also said I need to make this choice based on what I think will make me happy) I think the good is worth working on.

I am the strongest person in the world right now, and I thank you all sincerely for your input. I cant forget, despite all your comments, that only I know what is best for us.

Nothing is kept between us now, and I see this as a foundation, but not an excuse, for a lengthy and extremely tough journey

I guess this may be nothing but justification and excusing, I know I'm waiting to hear from someone (as some of you have said) that this is possible. I believe it is, and I thank you all again for your perspective

Marksie · 19-03-2008 5:36pm

rejected28 wrote: »

Nothing is kept between us now, and I see this as a foundation, but not an excuse, for a lengthy and extremely tough journey

I guess this may be nothing but justification and excusing, I know I'm waiting to hear from someone (as some of you have said) that this is possible. I believe it is, and I thank you all again for your perspective

i have read what you have said. I can see the openness and commitment on your part. I also see the realism and the view behind it all.

I am strongly minded of a saying; To forgive is human, to forget you forgave is divine.

Coming from your perspective therefore, you want this to work. From what you have said she may feel the same, but it would concern me that it is only temporary and that whatever issues there were between you two will remain. Unless everything is fully and openly explored.

Given that therefore. I would say that you two have some basis for which to commence your hard road.
I would not therefore discourage you from pursuing this. But do so openly witht an eye to that in the end it may not work.

But if necessary, do not go it alone. Seek any relevant counselling or advice when you reach difficult issues.

It can be worked upon and it can be overcome.

But in the end , if you have explored every avenue and it does not work then you will be able to move on in the full knowledge that you have tried everything that it is possible to do.

Best of luck op. In the end i do hope you two work things out.

Edit: one thing about Wibbs last post struck me as being very relevant. That fact that in leaving you will be the catalyst for her to do something about her issues. In some circumstances therefore.. completely leaving alone will in the end result in people coming back together and stronger than before.
Its a judgement call therefore on whuich is the best approach to take first..a complete no contact until some clarity is obtained and then begin working on things or to go and work on things right away

Moojuice · 19-03-2008 5:46pm

OP, walk away. You are fooling yourself. You can not be objective or clear about this. Its hard to walk away but it needs to be done. Deep down you know it, you just dont have the strength to do it. But try to. Try hard. Its for the best. In the end if you dont you will only end up getting hurt even worse. This was not a drunken kiss, a brief mistake. This was a concerted thought out effort to cheat on you over and over again. You can not believe what she said did and did not happen. Assume the worst and walk away. She feels bad because she got caught not because she hurt you.

If you dont, she will eventually look at all the hoops you are making her jump through and think '**** this, I'm off'. Why would she put up with all the conditions you set for her? Why would you want to be with someone that you have to make all these rules for?

Mazeire · 19-03-2008 6:29pm

God bless you OP you sound lovely, like a big walking Mills and Boon novel

I hope she is sincere and things do work out and that you will be happy. If you need us you know where we are. Don't be a stranger.

ozchick · 19-03-2008 6:34pm

SO true that trust is hard to regain.

Some people say, once a cheater, always a cheater. Not sure I totally agree, but sex with someone else is breaking trust totally.

Salvage what you have left and walk away. You are worth more than that treatment.

uberwolf · 19-03-2008 6:47pm

rejected28 wrote: »

if it is possible to go through rebuilding what we had.

She has deceived you more than once. You cite her drinking problem, something you thought had been resolved.

She has a pattern of deception through a number of relationships, has done the same thing to you twice, and yet you feel compelled to identify this moment as her Rubicon?

It isn't. Nothing will change.

m83 · 19-03-2008 7:17pm

Jesus OP, don't delude yourself, get away from her now or she'll break your heart.

planetlg · 19-03-2008 8:51pm

You sound like a great guy. In a lot of relationships there can be the person with problems and the one that helps them (co-dependant). That can be one of the qualities they see in us, our strength. But having been a co-dependant for many years (until last year) I have learned that you can not make them change their behaviour. A person should be at their best at the start of a relationship and I would classify one year as the start. While I could never be unfaithful I could forgive a one night stand where the brain is put on hold for a few hours but not a full blown considered relationship.While we are told you have to work at relationships, relationships should not be hard work, there should be more fun than tears. Do not waste your youth hoping things will work out. The bottom line is they haven't worked out and while it is very hard to leave go of a partner there is a whole world awaiting you and all your special qualities and someone who will value them and give you something back, not just take. I sincerely wish you all the best. Remember, the decision you make is the right one for you. I think the fact that you have asked for advice indicates that you have already made the decision but don't like it.

davyjose · 19-03-2008 9:03pm

OP, when you finally kick her ass to the door, will you come on here and tell us, because I don't think there is any way you can get through this. I feel bad for you man, and the best way to deal with it is to suck it up and take the pain now!

LegacyUser · 19-03-2008 10:15pm

I know exactly what is at stake here, my decision is made insofar as I am offering her a chance to prove herself to me. I have been at this point with another before, with as much at stake, and I know full well how capable I am of surviving. I know that right now, the best thing for me is to walk away, but that is the best for me for now only. I have more experience, perspective (maybe not right now) and insight to know that I can see my happiness connected to hers at some point. Again, this is provided she makes the change, and I have the conditions and resources to take care of myself if she doesnt. I am not making this a personal project of my one-sided effort, everything falls on her.

I cant possibly communicate the subtleties of our relationship through this, but both head and heart tell me that I am making the right decision. I am not throwing myself back to her by any mean, I am keeping distance, we are talking in an open way (honestly, for the first time), and if this is as bad as it ever will be, then I can work through this. But only once, and there is no ambigity on her part about this either; that this is one and only chance, which may not work out yet (as only time will tell). For the record, I know the full extent of this as I have had her confessions validated through an annonymous e-mail.

We talked today and of course she was miserable, of course she was in a state. Panic in the first instance brought out all the defensive reactions, apologies and promises. Today we talked about what it would take, and I spent a long time discussing and outlining what would need to change. What has happened to her in the past does not in any way excuse her actions, and does not create any sympathetic inclinations in my mind (she hasnt blamed it on this but we both know it is going to be a huge working point in future), but nothing will make me ignore the severity of it. There is serious damage, and the coming months will tell if anything is salvagable of us, but the bottom line is: that I love her, and she loves me.

This alone will not excuse it, and I am not letting it, it merely gives me the chance at happiness. I have been hurt before, and I know that this is different, from my experience, from feelings, nothing about being apart feels right. We had a serious connection which was lost, and it made me as happy as I have ever been, or honestly can imagine being again. This is worth holding out for, it is about me, and I am making the call here, not her.

davyjose · 20-03-2008 9:30am

rejected28 wrote: »

I know exactly what is at stake here, my decision is made insofar as I am offering her a chance to prove herself to me.

How? By not dating other guys behind your back? She is simply not who you thought she was, because everything was deception. When she told you she loved you on New Years Eve, she was round his place New Years Eve (not literally, obviously, but that is the sort of thing I'm talking about). To be honest I don't think you do know what is at stake here. You can't just let go of something like this - it will always be there. It always is there. Can you be certain you will forgive her evrytime it comes up? Can you really live with it?

rejected28 wrote: »

This is worth holding out for, it is about me, and I am making the call here, not her.

I'm not trying to force your hand here, but I do not believe you are making the calls here. I believe your anger and pride are putting you in a position where you are unwilling to admit you can't face a break-up. Because at the end of the day, you can't believe this is worth holding out for. Sure her good qualities are great. You know, all my ex's were amazing to be around - doesn't mean they were right for me! And how could it worth holding on for be if she is prepared to do what 1 in a million people would NOT do? You have listed a litany of excuses for her behaviour, then claimed they were not excuses. But how could they not be if you were prepared to listen to them, to use them as mitigation? At the end of the day you WILL find someone else. But this girl is not for you. Every minute you spent with her was a lie.
I don't know you, but I really hope you get out of here, for your sake and hers.

Aurora Borealis · 20-03-2008 11:17am

OP as long as you stick to the boundaries you have set there is a chance you both can get past this. I admire your resolve and understanding. She is a very lucky girl and I hope this is a serious wake up call for her.

funk-you · 20-03-2008 11:39am

Gyalist wrote: »

Not every woman who shows an interest in you is relationship material.

+1

Dump her, you'll be better for t n the long run.

-Funk

TEH REAL CDP · 20-03-2008 6:58pm

You will get hurt again.

Leaving will be the best thing.

Its a destructive cycle.

You'll know love when it hits you. believe me. Its not supposed to feel like this though.

She sounds like she needs time alone to re-evaluate her perspective on life.

It also sounds like she'll have to be dumped a few more times for that too happen.

Don't be the middle man.

Best of luck.

MentalHealth · 20-03-2008 9:25pm

one cannot abandon a facet of life that was stimulating. Email Account, Phone numbers can be deleted. Not the feelings that accompany the transactions between them nor the enduring emotional paths built between the parties involved. Simple - stimulus response reinforcement. Counselling if she commits to this in the long term may prove fruitful if you think it is worth it. Is it her problems that you are attracted to.. the white righteous knight saves her. If you can reflect on your own actions and not be within your actions for a few minutes you may get some light that you are wasting your time. For the new email address and the new phone number is probably already in existence only way more suppressed like your 'reality check'.

fuzzywiggle · 20-03-2008 10:19pm

If you really love her and are prepared to forgive her then give it a go.
But trust is a major issue in relationships and once that's gone it's very hard to have again. But if it turns out you're constantly wondering what she's doing when she's not with you and having mad thoughts go through your mind you should call it a day.

m83 · 20-03-2008 11:01pm

fuzzywiggle wrote: »

If you really love her and are prepared to forgive her then give it a go.
But trust is a major issue in relationships and once that's gone it's very hard to have again. But if it turns out you're constantly wondering what she's doing when she's not with you and having mad thoughts go through your mind you should call it a day.

But how can he trust her? Why should he trust her? She's already shown her true colours. It's a big world out there, plenty more fish and all that jazz....

littlefriend · 20-03-2008 11:26pm

MentalHealth wrote: »

one cannot abandon a facet of life that was stimulating. Email Account, Phone numbers can be deleted. Not the feelings that accompany the transactions between them nor the enduring emotional paths built between the parties involved. Simple - stimulus response reinforcement. Counselling if she commits to this in the long term may prove fruitful if you think it is worth it. Is it her problems that you are attracted to.. the white righteous knight saves her. If you can reflect on your own actions and not be within your actions for a few minutes you may get some light that you are wasting your time. For the new email address and the new phone number is probably already in existence only way more suppressed like your 'reality check'.

Totally 100% agree. Unfortunately, the OP is not to be convinced so this is falling on deaf ears.

Serious relationship trouble, cheating.....

Comments