First chapter for crits

hippychippy

Chapter 1.

The gleaming sword was firstly placed on his left shoulder and then on to his right. 'Arise, Sir Gay Day', the King said with the utmost authority and conviction. Although there were a few laughs and titters rippling through the gathered crowd, these were quickly drowned out by a frowning glance from the King. Gay turned to face the big crowd that had assembled. He smiled broadly as he scanned through the faces that had ridiculed and humiliated him for most of his life. A waving hand brought his attention to his mothers face. He smiled as he acknowledged her obvious pride. A son that had grown up without a father figure, raised single handed by his mother, in a time of poverty and fear. To achieve such an honour as a Knighthood was beyond most young men at that time, but here stood young Gay Day, now to be addressed as Sir, one the Kings men.
Mrs. Day made her way up to congratulate her son. Not one to miss out on an opportunity, she smiled and flickered her lashes towards the King. King Richard had remained a bachelor and it was a well-known fact that now as he was nearing fifty years of age, he was on the lookout for a bride. Richard wanted a son; he wanted an heir to the throne. The King took Mrs. Days hand and she bowed before him, 'oh King Richard', she said giddily. 'Call me Dick', the King replied in a kind of sleazy porn star voice. 'Oh King Dick', she said, 'what an honour'. It was all too much for the freshly Knighted young Gay and he collapsed in a heap on hearing his mother addressing the King as 'King Dick'………………………
'Gay, Gay, Gabriel, wake up', Mrs. Day slapped Gays face as she tried to wake him up. 'What, what?' Gay uttered in between the slaps, 'will you quit it, will ya?' He jumped up from his bed and stood looking dazed at his mother, 'it was only a dream', he muttered to himself as the visions of Knighthood and castles slipped from his mind and reality came flooding back. 'I was dreaming', Gay managed to say to his mother as he stood there in his very stained, what were originally white, long johns. It took another minute or two to realise that there was another part of him standing proud and firm and his long johns were more exaggerating it than covering it up. 'You dirty little fecker', his mother shouted as she lunged across the room towards him, slapping him as she shouted. 'What were you dreaming about? That tramp next door, I suppose?' Gay put his hands over his face to soften the blows, 'no, no, it was you and the King Ma, you and the King'. The slaps reined in on him now, 'you dirty, dirty', every word accompanied by a slap, 'thinking of your mother like that, God what kind of a child am I after raising, you're sick, get in there and have your breakfast, there's work to be done around here'. Gay ran for his life into the kitchen. It was only a dream, he thought to himself. It had felt so real though. Gay decided that from that moment on, he would dedicate his life to becoming a Knight. He wanted to be one of the Kings men, a 'Knight of the round stable'.
Sir Prancealot gazed at his surroundings, he sighed heavily before banging his fist heavily down on the table. The eleven other Knights sat up straight and immediately stopped talking. 'This, my Fwiends is a disgwace, this is no place fow a Knight such as myself to hold my meetings of the Kings guawd'. 'Here, here', the other Knights shouted as they clattered their mugs of ale off of the table. Prancealot continued, 'it is about time that we moved back into the castle and again be seated at the Kings table'. The Knights all clattered their mugs in agreement once more. 'We all know how this can be achieved?' 'Yes', shouted Sir Oundabout, 'kill the King'. Prancealot drew his sword, 'kill the fwiggin King, that’s tweason you speak of Oundabout'. Prancealot marched down to where Oundabout was sitting and put his sword to Oundabouts throat, 'I'm sorry Sir, I said hail the King'. 'No you didn't', Prancelot replied as he lifted Oundabouts chin up with the tip of his sword. 'I thought he said hail', Sir Loin said and the rest of the Knights nodded in agreement. 'Weally?' Prancealot questioned. 'Yes Sir, I'm positive that he said, hail'. Prancealot turned and walked back to his seat. 'Thanks man', Oundabout said as he and Sir Loin high fived. 'No pwoblem', Sir Loin spitted out before he and the rest of the Knights burst out laughing. 'SILENCE', Prancealot roared and he plunged his sword into the oak table that they were seated at. The Knights again fell silent as Prancealot struggled to retrieve his sword from the table. After what felt like an age, Prancelot finally gave up on the sword, he stood watching the table, waiting for even the faintest of smirks from one of his men. 'Now', he continued, 'we all know that the only weal way that we can get back into the Kings good books is to wid these lands of those fouw, fwiggin dwagons'. Prancealot studied the faces of his men, who were trying their best not to make eye contact. 'Have, we any volunteews?' he asked. The men twiddled their thumbs and looked towards the ceiling. 'Fine', Prancealot announced, 'I shall be fowced into picking one of you for the quest'. The knights now started fidgeting very nervously as Prancealot scanned the room. 'Sir Oundabout', he shouted.
Gay walked slowly behind the sheep, he had been walking for miles and was feeling rather tired from his efforts. It was said that 'hard work had never killed anyone', but Gay was of the opinion that he didn't want to be the one that would prove that theory wrong. It just wasn't worth the chance, he thought. Feeling tired and hungry, he decided to have a lie down before he would carry on with the sheep. He found a nice tree and lay up against it. His eyelids soon became heavy and he didn't fight against them closing. Gay was falling into a deep sleep but was awakened suddenly by a thunderous noise. He bolted upright, jumped to his feet and looked around nervously. He had a quick look to where the sheep were grazing but everything seemed to be in order. He shook his head and thought that he had imagined the noise or that it was just a dream. He turned around just in time to see the red and green underbelly of a dragon. The dragon swooped straight down over his head and passed close enough to touch. 'Vorvucksake', Gay screamed as he was sent tumbling backwards, rolling and rolling until he eventually came to a stop. He sat up in time to see the huge dragon sink his claws into one the sheep and carry him away. Gay stood up and dusted himself down. He watched as the dragon flew away into the distance with the sheep dangling from his claws. He had taken the plumpest one and Gay cursed his luck that he had crossed paths with a hungry dragon, a hungry dragon named, 'Vorvucksake'.
Vorvucksake was the eldest of four dragon siblings. He had two sisters and a brother. Between the four of them, they controlled the lands of Came-a lot. Like their parents before them, they were fierce and took what they wanted from the locals. The four dragons that were left were the last of their kind but this was of little consolation to the people of Came-a lot. The average age of one such dragon was said to be in the region of three hundred years or so. The dragons had split the lands of Came-a lot into four, North, South, East and West. The Southern dragon, Junior, as his name suggests was the baby of the family at a mere thirty years of age. The twin girls controlled East and West and the most fertile lands of the North were under the control of Vorvucksake. Gays village of Bolleaux was unlucky enough to be in the North. Junior, the youngest and smallest of the four, was a pale green in colour and had a single horn on his nose. When he was born, his mother had died giving birth. His father soon followed from a mixture of heartbreak and old age. Vorvucksake had always held Junior responsible for their deaths and the two had barely spoken to each other their whole lives. In comparison to Junior, Vorvucksake was huge; his scales were a dark green in colour and his underbelly, a bright red. At one hundred and sixty eight years of age, Vorvucksake was a middle- aged dragon. The twins were seventy-one years of age, teenagers in dragon terms and acted as such whenever they met up. The twin's scales were a brownie, red colour, their bellies, a pale red. As two females, they had no horns, but they could grow every bit as big as a male. The girls wanted more than any thing else to be male. They were in fact transvestite dragons and acted as male as they could, although the lack of a horn was a set back. They spoke with deep voices, much to the amusement of Vovucksake. Strapadicktomee controlled the West of Came-a lot, while Weldacocktomee controlled the East. Two males and two females that wanted to be male meant only one thing and that was that their species in the lands of Came-a lot would eventually become extinct. This fact didn't particularly bother any of the dragons; they really didn't care for anyone or anything, only themselves.
Vorvucksake was on his way to the centre of Came-a lot for the annual meeting, when he had come across Gays sheep, it was a handy lunch for Vorvucksake but one that he would be reminded about in the future. When he arrived at the nests in the middle of the lands, the twins were already there. They were messing around as usual, if there were any of the four dragons that actually got on with each other, it was the twins. When Junior arrived, the usual bickering began between the four dragons. Junior as the youngest was teased and bullied by the other three. Vorvucksake as head of the family was trying to lay down the law, but the other three had little interest in listening to him. He was growing tired of his sibling's attitude and wouldn't have cared if he never had to lay eyes on them ever again. 'These meetings are pointless', Vorvucksake started, 'you need to grow up before we should meet again'. The twins looked to each other, 'so lets cancel the meetings then', Strapadicktomee said. Vorvucksake quickly agreed, 'you know the only reason that I am here at all, is because it was our parents wish that we always stay in contact', he stared at Junior as he spoke. Junior didn't react; he knew that Vorvucksake wouldn't need much of a reason to kill him. Dragons, it must be noted are very territorial species and are a lot more content in their own company. For that very reason, the meeting place was in the exact centre of Came-a lot. It was unheard of for a dragon to invade another dragon's territory. The siblings finally agreed to leave the next meeting for two years. Because the dragons would never venture into one another's territories, it would definitely be a full two years before they would see each other again. This did not bother any of them, in fact it suited all four, especially Junior who was sick and tired of the bullying from his older brother.
Many great Knights had lost their lives trying to defeat the dragons in times past. No man was able to match the dragon's strength and agility. The fact that the dragons could breed fire at will, was a major asset for them and a major set back to any Knight with aspirations of success. It had been many years since there had been any man brave enough to take on any of the dragons. None of the four remaining dragons had ever faced the challenge from a warrior of any kind. They didn't know what fear was, they had never experienced the emotion. Their father had told them stories of armies of men coming with the intention of slaying him and of how he had killed every last one of them. The dragons lived very contently, were left undisturbed and could do as they please. They hunted when they wanted to; they rested when they wanted to. They didn't eat humans but preferred the fattened livestock that the humans provided. They stole the fattest and best livestock from the lands of Came-a lot. The people just had to put up with it; no one was going to challenge the might of the dragons.
Gay wondered how he would break the news to his mother. The loss of one of their sheep was a major loss to them, financially. He looked into the distance, his eyes staring in the direction that Vorvucksake had flown away to. 'If only, I were a brave Knight, I could have challenged him to a dual', he said out loud. A burst of laughter broke out from behind the tree that Gay had been lying against. 'Who's there', Gay shouted and he pulled his dagger from its scabbard. A Knight fully clad in armour appeared from behind the tree, 'it is moi', the Knight said sternly in a very thick French accent. 'Put that toy away', he said pointing to the meek looking dagger in Gays hand. 'So you're going to slay the dragon with that thing, are you?' the Knight questioned. Gay felt his face redden as the Knight walked towards him, but he kept the dagger pointed out in front of him. 'Who are you?' he asked. 'I my young friend, am Sir WeeweeduPeewee and I have come to Came-a lot to save your lands from the plight of those orrible creatures. You must bring me to your King at once. I want to negotiate my reward'. Gay looked at the Knight curiously, before deciding that the Knight was actually serious. 'Ok, ok, follow me Sir? Just follow me', Gay said excitedly and watched as the Knight mounted a huge black stallion. 'I shall remember you, when I'm filthy rich, my young friend', he said as he followed Gay who was sprinting towards his village.

claire h

Just a teensy bit over-the-top to work properly. At its best when you're explaining things in a way that expects the reader to take it totally seriously; otherwise it's just ridiculous and silly and the gags fall flat. Also has too much information and backstory in there for a first chapter, you need to select what you need to give the reader right away, and save the rest for later chapters.

Memnoch

I think there are a few good lines in the piece. Especially the mother's interactions, "dirty little fecker," and so on. Your writing is more convincing in those bits so try and make the rest of the same strength.

Just a few comments..

Have you tried the Absolute write, share your work forums? A lot of active and a few published writers contribute there and so you are more likely to get useful/effective critique there. (www.absolutewrite.com/forums). I found it an invaluable resource myself.

As to your piece. It needs a bit more formatting. For the purposes of the forum, a line between each para would make it a lot more readable (though never do this in your actual manuscript as line breaks are for scene/pov changes etc)

Formatting is also needed for dialogue. Pick any book off of the shelf and look at how the dialogue is formatted. Get into the habit of writing as well as you can the first time around to reduce the amount of work you have to do later.

Your writing is okay though there are a few Grammer issues eg. 'reined/rained.' There is a lot of telling and less showing.

There seems to be some low brow humour. With charecters such as Gay Day and Prancalot being the butt of jokes. I personally didn't find it funny, but then there are people out there who laugh at American Pie 7 so who knows.

I'm not sure about starting a novel with a dream sequence, I think the general convention is against the idea, though the sequence here is really short. But if you are going to start with it I suggest it should be a little less over the top because some readers/editors/agents might not read past the first two paragraphs.

There seems to be a lot of jumping back and forth and the chapter lacks coherence as a result.

As a reader I can't get past the first couple of lines of the paragraph begginning with "Sir prancalot."

Best of luck, keep writing.