My first post - rate my poem

debernieresfan

Hi,

I wrote this after driving to work on one of the stormy days last week. What do you think?

Green bins silently scream for help
Their innards divulged so crudely
Gulls become illusionists, defying gravity
Skirt lifts, underwear displayed rudely

Cyclists fight against invisible forces
On the path is that Marcel Marceau?
Ten steps it takes to move a yard
Ten thousand more he has to go

Are they playing hide and seek at the stop?
Is it perhaps the driver’s birthday?
So when he stops to pick up two
Ten jump out “Hip hip hooray”

Yesterday’s news can still be read
Through the air I see it flutter
Plastic bottles cascade rapidly
Sweet wrappers shelter along the gutter

Clouds cannot come to a shared decision
On a commonality of direction
A Willow bends but does not break
Like an old man’s half-hearted genuflection

Cocooned inside my warm cabin
My windy day looks so bizarre
As if the world outside is off its head
Sanity only found inside my car

buck65

I think kids would like this poem. Like something out of Bosco, can almost imagine a presenter reading it over pictures from around the country of storm damage.
Verse 5 is quite promising IMO,

greatscott

I really like this. I think it is unpretentious, and some people would take that as an insult but i really don't mean it that way. Its funny how a lot of people's poems seem to have very weak parts and very strong parts.

The middle verses have a funny flippant tone, but not in the 'something out of Bosco' sense.... I would guess Emily Dickinson is an influence.

I'm not crazy about the first and last verses; but this is a beautiful image:

A Willow bends but does not break
Like an old man’s half-hearted genuflection

owlwink

I'm not crazy about the first and last verses; but this is a beautiful image:

A Willow bends but does not break
Like an old man’s half-hearted genuflection


[/QUOTE]

I agree.

JesusWlksDisWay

owlwink wrote: »

I'm not crazy about the first and last verses; but this is a beautiful image:

A Willow bends but does not break
Like an old man’s half-hearted genuflection


Second that, great comparison!

aliqueenb

like the "A Willow bends but does not break
Like an old man’s half-hearted genuflection"

the rest is pretty good but that bit stands out.

daboyfergie

I liked that poem.

TravelJunkie

I love it. It is funny and intelligent/insightful at the same time.
If you write like this all the time... then well done.

dylan1969

Genuine!!