Last relationship left me too scared to even try

LegacyUser

Hey everybody I hope this thread doesn't seem whiney or silly but I've had a pretty horrible year and I don't know how I'm supposed to feel - truth is that sometimes I don't feel anything.

My last bf meant everything to me. I really treasured everything about him. Our relationship was far from perfect, he bullied me, broke down my confidence and cheated on me. I never ended it with him because I knew he was dealing with a lot of emotional issues. He was taking lots of drugs and I know he didn't always mean the stuff he said. I don't think he's bad underneath it all. Anyway he cheated on me and did it all in front of my friends and family. He ignored me and spent the whole night chatting with this girl who'd be after him for months. It was so embarrassing but I didn't do anything because everybody was looking at me and I knew if I tried to step in I'd just cry and look stupid. He dumped me the next day and said everything I got I deserved and that it was my own fault. He said he couldn't stay faithful to me and while he loved me, he didn't feel anything for me. He then rang that girl from the previous night and while I was there - being dumped and crying he arranged to meet her after he left my place. I was so confused and shocked at the time I didn't even realise what he was doing. I was just begging him to stay and told him I was sorry. He said it was too late for that but that he will always love me. A few days later I text him and asked why he went to see her so soon after me. Everybody had seen him with me that day so obviously it caused some attention when they were seen kissing just hours later. He said I had no right to ask about who he was seeing and that I was only hurting myself by doing so. He also said he was enjoying the freedom but I really never held him down. He was always ditching me and standing me up. I never had any control over him so I dont know what he meant by that.

Anyway its been over a year but I still feel so broken by it. I don't even like looking in the mirror anymore, I feel like such a loser. While I haven't had actual relationships since him, I have texted and went on dates with two or three other guys. Both of them only wanted sex which isn't what I needed at that point. I let them both go (well one of them told me to f**k off coz I didn't wana answer all the explicit msgs he sent me, I just feel thats too personal unless you're with the guy) I seem to attract absolute planks. I don't like casual sex, I don't have a problem with other people doing it, it's a personal decision, I just don't feel anything when it's meaningless.

So recently... finally... a nice fella comes along, a gentleman. Very respectful/polite etc, and he says he really likes me and wants to go out sometime. Only downside is his job more than likely means he will have to leave the country is about two months so I'm torn on what to do. I just kinda feel like what's the point if he's gona be gone soon.. on the otherhand I'll feel like I deserve everything I get if I send a seemingly nice fella packing. I don't think he deserves to be rejected at all but I don't want to be hurt again.

I don't know what to do. Sometimes I feel nothing. Please respond if you understand what I mean and to everybody who doesn't, I know this seems ridiculous, sorry for wasting your time.

dr.bollocko

**** man/ You are so better off away from that dick of an ex of yours. I really know that the last thing you want is a thread full of people ranting about what a complete arse he was and how crappily he treated you. Even when describing the worst things he did, you still speak protectively of him. The one thing you have to learn from this experience is that you have to learn when relationships are bad for you, that its not always worth it to stay with someone and that you deserve to be with someone better. When you are in love with someone else new, and it will happen, dont be so scared to lose them that you are blind to how horrible they are to you.
I really hope it works out for you.
Try it with the new fella.
Have some fun.

TI21

Hi,
I went thru a very similar situation myself recently had a very bad breakup and even though my ex clearly treated me horribly I didn find it any easier ta get over !
I found myself in the same situation went out with one or two guys who clearly were only interested in one thing!However I did meet one guy who I really liked and got along with but nothing really happened but what I did release was after a year of more or less grieving for my ex I suddenly felt alive due to the fact I was genuinly attracted to and enjoyed the company of someone of the opposite sex who wasn my ex n didn care if he shagged me or not!
I would say even though you may only have two months with this guy to go with it and give it a shot even if you only have two months if you really like him and his as genuine as he seems those two months will be beyond value in helping to restore your self esteem and proving to you that you deserve to be treated better!
After all youv been true I know it takes great courage to even think about giving it a shot but at least if you try you won't regret tryin!
Hopes this helps!

bronte

Hi op, you've been through a lot.
Your original reationship went badly, your ex had a lot of issues, but that does not mean you should have been treated that way.
I feel for you, having dealt with something kind of similar.
I too have encountered guys looking for 'one thing' manys a time.
Like you, that's just not for me.
I'm gonna say give this guy a shot, he sounds nice
Don't worry too much about the future and enjoy it!

I hope you find happiness!

Edit: by the way your post did not seem ridiculous at all! lots of people have been through this.

OpenYourEyes

if this new guy is as nice as u say then maybe just explain to him the situation.if you both decide its prb not best to do anything, then at least you wont have any regrets, and it will still b a more pleasant interaction with a man than youv had in quite a while, and he wont feel rejected either.



and if you 2 decide to be together for the 2months then at least you will both be clear that its only these 2 months and hopefully youl both be able 2 enjoy and make the best of those 2months!

and good luck!:)

Overheal

Even from our bad relationships, everyone learns something. Everyone takes out something good from it. So I can understand why you vouch for your ex a bit. I can think of reasons to hate people, myself; but I can also think of reasons to appreciate them and what they did to me. Im guessing its the same for you.

In the position you're in, if it were me, I'd just go with it. A 'summer fling' might just be what the doctor ordered.

And oh yeah: not every guy is just out there for sex. I'm not; I've been accused of it certainly, and I'll leave it out as advice to you wimmins; to try and take each new person as just that: a new person. Maybe what you perceive of just looking for sex might be looking for more. Its scary to think the number of serious relationships that get turned down every day across the world due to simple misconception. Sex is only a facet of a meaningful relationship.

Honestly though: you have to be ready to be burned many a time. We all do. Don't be too afraid to stick your hand in the fire because you might find something really special in there one of those times. Give a guy (or girl) a chance. They may burn you; they may hurt you and may make you regret the entire thing; but thats a risk we all take. Welcome to relationships, m'lady.

I'd give the guy a chance. If it works out you can consider a long term relationship. If it doesnt you have nothing more to think about come May.

Wurly

Hey, im crap at computers so some of my post appears in the quote - sorry. (O:

So confused wrote: »

Hey everybody I hope this thread doesn't seem whiney or silly

Firstly, you are not one bit silly, you have been treated like absolute ****e. You have been told over and over again how stupid and worthless you are - example below.

He dumped me the next day and said everything I got I deserved and that it was my own fault.

You now are apologising for everything even though you've done nothing wrong.

I don't know what to do. Sometimes I feel nothing. Please respond if you understand what I mean and to everybody who doesn't, I know this seems ridiculous, sorry for wasting your time.

Maybe take some more time out and re-assess who you are, what you like, what you dont like etc. Be around people who make you smile and make you feel safe. Get out there and have some fun.

Maybe its wise to get your head together first again before dating someone new. If your still not over all this abuse from your ex, you may inadvertently sabotage a new relationship and get hurt again.

Best of luck - we're all rooting for ya.;)

board om

hey Op,

tbh its sounds like your ex has some serious mental issues and he was taking them out on you. by bullying you, and cheating on you, and by even calling the other girl right in front of you just shows that he was trying to mess with your head, and unfotunatly he succeed. its a year later and you are still thinking about it.

the truth is people like him will never be happy and becuase of that they try and drag everyone else down to their level by destroying their happiness. they are are destructive creatures who are best left to themselves, becuase that is the only person they will ever care about.

what you need to do now is move on and start enjoying life again. take your time in finding someone new and get to know them at your own pace. if someone is worthwhile and a gentleman as you say, they will understand this. you could tell them about being hurt previously but dont keep bringing it up or you will come across as the one with the problem, and that means your letting your ex get to you again.

oh, and the new fella sounds nice. no harm in dating him if it takes your mind of the main issue. you never know, in 2 months time you could have had such a nice time with him that you have forgotten about the whole other problem and ready to take up a serious relationship.

take care

RedXIV

It's always depressing to see how complete jerks can come and ruin someone's lives. I Know you've been defending your bf in your post but if one of my friends was going out with a guy like that, he'd probably have an "accident" falling down the stairs.......3 or 4 times. Go for what makes you happy lass, two months of happiness could completely change your outlook in life, your luck and hopefully your fella's mind and make him stay

My advice? GO FOR IT!!!

LegacyUser

Hey everyone, thanks for your replies. Somebody made a good point about how it's a year later and I still think about it. To be honest, it's all I think about. When I wake up first thing in the morning and I usually cry about it at night. I would do anything to have him back. I get knocked down easily where he's concerned, only today somebody mentioned that while he and this other girl are broke up (though he denied ever being official with her) I was told that they're still casually seeing eachother. It breaks my heart knowing that she's with him or to think of his arms around anybody else. She's such a horrible creature, first time I saw her she was wearing a skanger tracksuit, manky, dirty runners and greasy hair stuck to her head. While her dress sense has changed, to me, she still make me feel physically sick and when I think that he was with her I just feel so disgusting and used. I don't think I'm over him but I think maybe it is time for getting back on the market, a year is just too long. It feels like it will never end. The new guy seems nice though but I get the impression he wants a real relationship and I don't know if I can give it to him. I'm just no good at relationships and I know you think I will but I really, REALLY don't think I could ever feel the same way for somebody else - is that even normal?

A year later - I shouldn't be such a loser. I still have nobody and she still has him. He sent me suggestive texts and even some that were very abrupt basically saying we should still be having sex. If it was any other guy I'd get so angry but I know if I did at him he'd get his own back on me. Obviously I'm not gona have sex with him - the very thought if him being with that girl is horrific. I really mean it - my skin crawls but I admit that him wanting me (even if it was just for sex) made it all hurt a lil less. I know that f****d up and horrible and I wont act on it coz he's just being a sleaze but I hate how I'm broken down so easily by him. He has all the power and I can't do anything to get it back.

Maybe I'll just go on a date with the new guy, keep it casual and friendly. At least then he wont feel like it's him that's the problem and he'll know it's me and my issues that makes it difficult. I just really, really wish that I could feel the same way for somebody else. It's terrifying to think that the feeling is gone forever. I'm still only very young. I shouldn't be so defeated. I was always fiesty and tough - I dunno why the hell I've become such a weed!

LegacyUser

Hey everyone, thanks for your responses. I posted a reply but it never showed up??!!
Somebody metioned that it is a year later and I still think about my ex all the time, I wake up thinking of him and I fall asleep crying for him. Even today I was told that while he's not with her anymore (though he denied ever being official with her) that they are still casually seeing eachother. I know she's not his only one but it still breaks my heart to know that she's with him or to think of his arms around somebody else. How do I stop this from hurting? The thought of him being with her makes me feel physically sick. First time I saw her she wore a skanger tracksuit and had hreasey hair stuck to her head. She makes me feel horrible and when I think that he was with her I just feel disgusting and used. I know that inflicting my insecurities on a new guy seems bad but I've waited so long to feel better, it just not happening. Maybe I should have a friendly, casual thing with the new guy? I dunno I'm so confused..

I know people always say this isn't the case but I REALLY don't think I'll ever feel the same for anybody else, how could I if I can't even date people?! I just feel nothing. I just wish I'd feel something good again.

Victor

Anonymous posts depend on a moderator approving htem. PI mods aren't on duty 24 hours.

littlefriend

'He sent me suggestive texts and even some that were very abrupt basically saying we should still be having sex.'
I was reading down through your posts and was just thinking I wonder when he is going to get back in touch with her - and there you go he already did. These types of assholes are all the same - they ALWAYS come back. Please x 100 resist the temptation to go anywhere near him. She sounds revolting and they probably have a nice variety of STI's between them.

'I still have nobody and she still has him.' - Think of how **** he made you feel - are you really jealous of her that she has this LOSER in her life.

You say in one of your posts that you are young - please dont let this experience ruin all of your future relationships. People often go from one destructive relationship to another for years. This new guy is a chance for you to break that cycle. He can lift you up and make you feel amazing and worth something. He has to go away in a couple of months - well maybe that is a good thing - it doesnt sound like you are ready to go in to a full on long term relationship yet.

I'd advise you to get counselling to get over what happened you with the nasty guy. CBT - cognitive behavioural therapy - is capable of totally turning your life around. I am not sure where you are based or what your money situation is like but counsellers will usually be willing to come to some arrangement in relation to fees they charge. Don't let this guy beat you down, it will seep into other areas of your life - work, study, friendships etc and you will probably underachieve in all of these areas.

You've had a year of feeling sh*t about this - its time to start to move on. Rise up within yourself and find something to take your mind off him. Maybe if you are obsessing about him make yourself go out for a run or something like that..

You sound like a lovely girl - articulate and sweet. Anything I am saying to you here is just based on a couple of similar situations I have been in. I foolishly went back for more, it kept going on until I finally said NO. It was hard but honestly I started to feel better very quickly. Please seek out a counsellor - maybe someone on here could recommend someone. There are LOADS of books that can help too. I wasted so many years crying and panicking and feeling sick/worthless/unattractive/depressed. Pls don't do the same thing.
Onwards and upwards kiddo

LegacyUser

Sorry Victor I didn't realise, I tought my first post didn't go through.

Littlefriend, thank you for your comment. It was very sweet, I've thought about getting counselling but never did anything about it. I actually had counselling when I was younger because I was in a bad way. I think it may be linked to why this is hurting so much. He was the only guy I ever told about something bad that happened when I was a kid with another man. The fact that I trusted my bf enough to tell him and allow him to be so close is probably what is making me feel so defeated by it all. I know it's stupid, I realise the situation, I understand what's happening - I just don't know how to fix it. I hate the fact that he knows such personal stuff because he obviously isn't the person I thought he was. This is also why I can't do anything that might upset him because there's always the risk that he'll tell somebody. He probably wouldn't but I still don't want to risk it. Nobody really knows about the other thing and I want to keep it that way. It's not like what happened was even that bad, there were only really two incidents where he really terrified me, one of which was when he lay on top of me, I was about 10 so I was just shocked I think but that's really the worst that happened. The rest was just sleazy, stupid stuff really, not like I was seriously physically hurt so the way I'm behaving now seems like an over reaction and and I feel so selfish because I know there's sooo many people who've unfortunately had much worse happen to them.

Anyway, I just hope if I do go out with this guy that it doesn't make my ex angry. Also, I hope that he'll apologise someday which probably won't ever happen if he sees me with somebody else.

Thanks again for all the comments

Storm_rages

ah honey, i really just want to hug you (i am female by the way, and engaged, so you are safe)

ok first off, it will get better, time does heal and believe me most people have had at least one ****y relationship.. The only advice i can give is to try and build yourself up, eat well, get out of the house, join some clubs make, new some friends. Life is hard and you have to fight the bad stuff! so build yourself up against it!

and try not to think about your ex so much!

hugs!

Aurora Borealis

So Confused wrote: »

Anyway, I just hope if I do go out with this guy that it doesn't make my ex angry. Also, I hope that he'll apologise someday which probably won't ever happen if he sees me with somebody else.

You shouldn't worry about what someone thinks when they clearly don't think about your feelings. I went through a very bad relationship too and just because it was hard it doesn't make it any easier to move on from and almost a year later I still think of my ex as well. In fact in ways I think leaving a bad relationship is sometimes harder as there is more to process.


A few months after we broke up I started seeing a mutual friend of my ex and I. My ex had showed no interest really in being friends after the break up, was seeing someone himself about one month after we broke up and wasn't even living in the same country anymore but he flipped when he found out making it quite clear he thought I was doing it to get back at him. I wasn't and am long past such teenager tactics nor ever really was so petty in my dealings with others. All the baggage and guilt I had hanging over the new relationship was too much though and I finished things which is a real pity because he was an out and out gentleman and so understanding.

On Paddy's night I was out with a friend of my ex who I'm also friendly with. I was telling her I felt so guilty for having hurt someone I cared so deeply about and she said quite simply that while he was still a friend of hers I should not waste any more emotions on him as he had been with others while we were still together and hadn't cared one bit about my feelings for a long long time. It really struck a chord and it’s so true. I think in a way by still feeling bad about everything that happened I was in a way holding onto a connection of some sort with my Ex and in turn was not moving on. Could this be the case with you?

I think littlefriend is right in saying that the fact that this guy is heading off in a few months might be a good thing. It might take the pressure off you and so give you the freedom to enjoy meeting someone new without any complications.

I know it’s not easy to move on sometimes but the fear you have of making your ex angry when he clearly doesn’t offer you the respect, though admirable in ways, is not giving you the space you need from your past with your ex to move on. You need to and will if you let yourself.

Best of luck,


AB

galah

So Confused wrote: »

Anyway, I just hope if I do go out with this guy that it doesn't make my ex angry. Also, I hope that he'll apologise someday which probably won't ever happen if he sees me with somebody else.

Thanks again for all the comments

One word of advice: Cut ALL, I repeat ALL, contact with that ex of yours. Change your phone number, delete his, and do NOT engage in any sort of dialog with him. Otherwise you will never be able to move on, simply because he won't let you - because he knows he can. He will get angry, but you have to be above that. Do not allow him to play these games with you any longer. Do not allow him to mess with your mind, to reduce your ego any further (it's bad enough that he got away with this for so long).

It will seem very difficult, but it's the only way to move on. Stop relying on this ex to boost your confidence - he is only bringing you down in the long run.

Break all contact with the ex, and have fun with the new guy. Do what YOU want to do. Rebuild your ego and your confidence. Concentrate on that, and that alone. Become a whole person again, become self-reliant.

(it took me the best part of a year to do that after 5 years of abuse, and it wasn't easy. But it worked out in the end. I went through a very nasty phase of using guys for sex, and sex alone, while being fair and letting them know I was doing so (geez, the amount of bruised egos I left in my wake...ah well....), just to get the confidence issue out of my system (I don't necessarily recommend to do the same, just saying that this worked for me). After that, I was finally able to date 'properly' again, and met the man of my dreams, the perfect boyfriend.)

So it can all end well, but you need to let go of that ex.

board om

So Confused wrote: »

Sorry Victor I didn't realise, I tought my first post didn't go through.

Littlefriend, thank you for your comment. It was very sweet, I've thought about getting counselling but never did anything about it. I actually had counselling when I was younger because I was in a bad way. I think it may be linked to why this is hurting so much. He was the only guy I ever told about something bad that happened when I was a kid with another man. The fact that I trusted my bf enough to tell him and allow him to be so close is probably what is making me feel so defeated by it all. I know it's stupid, I realise the situation, I understand what's happening - I just don't know how to fix it. I hate the fact that he knows such personal stuff because he obviously isn't the person I thought he was. This is also why I can't do anything that might upset him because there's always the risk that he'll tell somebody. He probably wouldn't but I still don't want to risk it. Nobody really knows about the other thing and I want to keep it that way. It's not like what happened was even that bad, there were only really two incidents where he really terrified me, one of which was when he lay on top of me, I was about 10 so I was just shocked I think but that's really the worst that happened. The rest was just sleazy, stupid stuff really, not like I was seriously physically hurt so the way I'm behaving now seems like an over reaction and and I feel so selfish because I know there's sooo many people who've unfortunately had much worse happen to them.

Anyway, I just hope if I do go out with this guy that it doesn't make my ex angry. Also, I hope that he'll apologise someday which probably won't ever happen if he sees me with somebody else.

Thanks again for all the comments

if you think by going put with this new guy that it will make your ex angry then that is not a reason not to go out with him. and i dont mean you should use this guy to get back at your ex or anything childish like that. what i mean is what the hell do you care if your ex is angry or not? it has absolutley no relevance on your life or your happiness. you are basically saying that you shouldnt be happy because some loser that you were lucky to get rid of a year ago will be unhappy??? you are sacrificing your happiness to make someone else happy, someone who doesnt care about anyone but himself and who wouldnt do the same for you if the situation was reversed.

regarding him telling people about something personal you confided in him about, he would want to be pretty sick to go around telling people something like that. and anyone who listens to him are just as sick and perverted if they take him seriously. we all confide in people we trust, its the chance we take when we believe someone cares for us. besides, who is he going to tell? the pikey chav that he is going out with now?

tbh i doubt for one minute that he is going to go around telling people that anyway. i think you are thinking too much into it. tell you what, in future when he sends you sexually suggestive texts make sure you save them on your phone. and he threatens you by saying he is going to tell anyone about what you told him in private, then you tell him that you will show his girlfriend the texts. that will play him at his own game.

forget about him and start enjoying life again. you had a life before him, and you have a life now. this was just a hiccup in the middle that is over now. i could have been worse, you could have been left pregnant by him. you got out of pretty well i would say.

LegacyUser

The shameful thing is that last time we spoke it was because I text HIM!! I'm such a dope, I felt sorry for him coz some of my guy friends tried to knock him out. He had to leave a social event early because they were all threatening him to leave and take his trash with him. I felt so bad for him, I know he was horrible, I'm not making excuses but I can't see him being miserable. It makes me feel like the biggest cow ever. Having now learned that he's still messing around with the other girl (they're not official anymore coz he's messing around with other girls too) I wish I had have let rip at him and told him I never want to speak to him again. I really wish I had have told him not to send me sexual texts like that again and to stop speaking to me like everything was ok. Sometimes I just feel soooooo angry that I think of texting him to tell him how much of a loser he is and how disgusting I think she is but then I'd only be provoking him and it's just so childish. I just wish that I had have told him not to speak to me that way - to make matters worse HE'S the one who didn't reply to me in the end!! Grrr... it's so frustrating!!! But I've done nothing to help matters! I'm a dope, he's after winning again and I let him. Maybe if I casually see this new guy it'll help him see that I don't really rely on him. It'll probably be a good thing. I dunno though, it's all very confusing. When he was breaking up with me he said if anyone gave him a hard time for how he treated me that he'd kill himself. I know he's just being a d**khead but I always have that fear in the back of my mind. I need to find a way to show him, in a non confrontational way, that I have NOTHING to do with him. I hate thinking that he feels like he's taken the best of me. Maybe if he sees that I can make another guy happy he'll see that I still have something to offer?!... Oooh, sorry I'm rambling now. But yiz get the jist, I just completely submitted to what he did by letting him send me those sex texts. I told him I was worth more but that's all I said about it. All his texts had kisses on them but then he just stopped. So I should have told him to save his filth for the rats he's hanging around with!

bronte

Don't be worrying about how your ex will feel if you are dating someone else.
He had no consideration what so ever for your feelings as is evident from the texts he sent you.
You owe him nothing.
I would cut all contact with him, he really seems to have damaged the confidence of another wise very confident girl.
He is a negative influence on you and you really need to get rid of that.
Don't worry about not being able to feel the same way about someone else, we've all be in that situation.
It will come in time!
You deserve so much better hun!
You've suffered enough.
It's not right to be in a situation where one person has all the power in the relationship.

littlefriend

I don't think you should be with this other guy just so your ex gets jealous.

Where are you friends in all of this? You said he kissed someone else in front of your family - are they doing anything to help you through this. There is only so much ppl can say to you here - you need to have someone to help you get help to feel better. Again, I really really think you should get some counselling. Is there any reason that you would not do this?

Aurora Borealis

My understanding of OP's post was that she thinks she should not be with this guy in case it makes her ex jealous which is what concerns me. She shouldn't be concerned at all with her ex. He certainly hasn't shown any for her. If it was as you suggest just to make her Ex jealous it would be
a) deeply unfair on this new guy and
b) using her own body and mind as some kind of bartering tool which shows little self respect and certainly doesn't help her leave her Ex and thoughts of him in the past..

It seems she does actually like the guy so what her Ex thinks or doesn't should not matter.

littlefriend

SoConfused wrote: »

'' Maybe if I casually see this new guy it'll help him see that I don't really rely on him.''
'' I hate thinking that he feels like he's taken the best of me. Maybe if he sees that I can make another guy happy he'll see that I still have something to offer?!.

Maybe I misinterpreted this?? Apologies

I think OP probably doesn't want to anger her ex but at the same time wants him to see what he has lost..

''If it was as you suggest to make her Ex jealous it would be
a) deeply unfair on this new guy and
b) using her own body and mind as some kind of bartering tool which shows little self respect and certainly doesn't help her leave her Ex and thoughts of him in the past..''
I could not agree more with you - thats why I was suggesting counselling to raise self esteem, ensure this guy is removed from her life and to make sure she never allows anyone to treat her badly again.

Aurora Borealis

Ok I see where you're coming from with the "Maybe if he sees that I can make another guy happy he'll see that I still have something to offer?!."

Hadn't picked up on that. I do still get the impression she likes the new guy though and think she should try a few dates. Your suggestion of counselling is certainly a good one.

OP, the book "It's called a break up because it's broken" is also quite good in a lighthearted way.

estar

i think that you should definitely work on your self esteem
and the issues in your past and build yourself up again
before you embark on another relationship

there are no rules about how long it should take to get over
something, but my feelings are that you are a very sensitive
person, and have problems trusting men because of your past
and since you trusted this man and he let you down so
publically and completely that you find yourself completely
broken down by it

i dont think you should underestimate the effects of your past
on
- why you got involved with this guy in the first place
- why you were unable to defend yourself when he mis-treated you
- why you are unable now to put it behind you

you can of course get over all of this, with some help.

im not sure what happened in your past and apologise if
i have mis-construed what you have alluded to but you
can get advice on counselling from the rape crisis centre
if that would be appropriate for what happened

if not ive heard that accord is quite good at recommending people
and offering counselling services. your GP can also be of help
in recommending someone.

i really think you should take this opportunity to explore yourself
and your past, before you make plans for the future with another man
as you run the risk of repeating this pattern again.

starting a new relationship when you are clearly still so vulnerable
means you are open to being hurt again. if you worked on building
yourself up and worked on your self esteem you would be able to
tell any loser that tried to mistreat you to get lost and would not
blame yourself.

the fact is that people can only hurt you if you care what they think
of you. i dont think that you should care what your ex thinks or feels
of you or anyone else, in fact. he sounds like he has very low standards
for himself. and he has told you in no uncertain terms that he
doesnt want a relationship with you.

i think in time you will come to see how grateful you should be
that he let go of you. he sounds self -destructive, and trouble
with a capital T and would be dragging you down with him.

i wish you the best of luck.

LegacyUser

Sorry I didn't mean that I would go out with the new guy JUST to make my ex jealous. I don't want him to feel any negative feelings towards me moving on, I want him to see me in a positive way. Reading back over it, it may have seemed that I was going to use this new fella - I'd never do that to a person, it would make me just as bad as he is. Apologies if the post seemed that way.

I'm not sure how I feel about the new guy but I do feel good knowing that somebody does see me in a better light than my ex did. He seems to be a very sweet man, very gentle and thoughtful. Having said that, I don't know the guy well enough to assume he's only got good interests but in the same way, he's done nothing to give me any reason to doubt him. Really, he isn't the big issue. Well his behaviour isn't. He has done nothing wrong. Any problem I've mentioned regarding him comes from me and my issues with my ex. The new guy actually knows about my ex, he was there when my friends were trying to knock him out. He knows all about the cheating/lying etc but does not know everything I've posted here. As far as I'm concerned the poor guy simply saw a girl he thought was nice, tried chatting to her and is now becoming involved in a horrible mess that was there long before he ever noticed me. So maybe you're right that I should get counselling and cut my ties with the new guy aswell as my ex. I don't want to drag a nice guy into my trouble.

As for the poster who asked me to consider the rape crisis centre - I don't think I could contact them as I was luckily never raped. I was just on the recieving end of an older guys advances and psychological abuse as a child. If the stuff that happened then, happened to me now instead I could easily have stopped it. I was just too clueless to do anything before. Any physical contact between me and that person was minor enough. While he did make physical contact it was not particularily violent, just sleazy. And I probably am just too sensitive.

Thank you everybody who replied, reading so many sweet posts really helped. Even without solving my problem yet I feel better about it knowing that there are some people out there with such a gentle nature. It's good to see that level of positivity and care out there. I'm not sure what I should do about the new guy but I know that I need to make myself stronger now.

Thanks again, take care