How do I deal with this?

LegacyUser

Regular poster going anon.
I've hung around with the same group of friends since I was 12 or so, there's 10 or so couples that hang around together and we all get on great.
Recently I've become single, but thats not the issue.
Since I've become single a number of the blokes have told me they fancy me.
Some have done this drunkenly, some sober, I've just laughed it off and thats fine with some but with others they're very insistent, its getting me very upset.
It got a bit out of hand last night when one of them tried to kiss me, cornering me when I was coming back from the bathroom.
These girls are my best friends and their boyfriends/husbands have made me feel very uncomfortable.
This is not about me being up my own arse or thinking I'm amazing, I'm extremely worried that someone is going to say something and I end up look like a devil woman, I can't say anything to the girls and laughing it off with the blokes doesn't seem to be working.
Does anyone have any advice on what to do?

LegacyUser

nowthatImsingle wrote: »

Regular poster going anon.
I've hung around with the same group of friends since I was 12 or so, there's 10 or so couples that hang around together and we all get on great.
Recently I've become single, but thats not the issue.
Since I've become single a number of the blokes have told me they fancy me.
Some have done this drunkenly, some sober, I've just laughed it off and thats fine with some but with others they're very insistent, its getting me very upset.
It got a bit out of hand last night when one of them tried to kiss me, cornering me when I was coming back from the bathroom.
These girls are my best friends and their boyfriends/husbands have made me feel very uncomfortable.
This is not about me being up my own arse or thinking I'm amazing, I'm extremely worried that someone is going to say something and I end up look like a devil woman, I can't say anything to the girls and laughing it off with the blokes doesn't seem to be working.
Does anyone have any advice on what to do?

Yes,
I suggest strongly that you make friends outside of this group.
People who play this card on you whether its genuine or not, are taking advantage of your situation.
it'll end in tears, for you!
And thats not something you need at the moment.

LegacyUser

I'd be losing all my friends because of a few blokes actions, I don't think thats fair on me at all, and losing my friends is exactly what I'm trying to prevent.

LegacyUser

I'll try this again...:D.
I don't think leaving the group is the answer, losing my friends is exactly what I'm trying to avoid, and I don't think it would be a great option for myself right now.
I'm looking for advice on how to handle this, do I ignore it and hope it stops or mention it when i see the bloke in question again when he's sober?

LegacyUser

Heya,

I'm a little bit in the same situation but it's people in work. I'm still very good friends with my ex and on a few occasions have found myself chatting about this and saying I find it hard to handle as I was just so used to having a boyfriend and not being thought of that way.

Anyway, I suspect you are a little bit like me - I don't stand up for myself enough, I don't tell them to F-off nore can can I ever imagine myself doing so. My colleagues are also my friends and important to me, most of them are in relationships - It's not the type of job where you can report stuff like that, I love working there and would not jeoporadise my career by reporting it.

So far I have continued to say no, and have gotten a bit firmer, instead of saying I've a boyfriend I now say "I'm taking a year out from all things masculine" and then if necessary I say, "not that you'd have a chance" and laugh it off. It is horrible, it is awkward, but it's how I'm dealing with a situation that i think might be similar to yours.

I hope this helps a little, you shouldn't be expected to lose your friends

x

nmk

Hi op I would be looking for other social groups. If a few of them are making you feel this awkward, and they're your only friends you socialise with, it could very easily turn nasty for you. If you want to tackle it to keep your circle of friends, I'd advise you to go on the offensive: if the subject of sleazebags comes up, laugh about it, maybe parody some of their come ons (without saying who you're imitating). Comments like.......what losers.......is there a less appealing thing a person can do........being single must mean desperate in their dictionary......are good for people who might have lost perspective on how inappropriate their behaviour is. If any of them get even a glint in their eye when you're alone with them/bump into them coming back from the loos etc, an ice-queen scowl should let them know exactly what the score is. It might be necessary to bare your teeth a little bit to make them cop on towards you.

Mazeire

Lord that sounds desperate. I understand that in what must be a time of huge upheaval already for you OP, that putting yourself out there to make friends is probably one more stress that you feel like you don't need, but it really sounds like something you need to do.
I would not suggest that you abandon this group totally, but I think that you do need to become less dependant on them as being your only social outlet. After all, it sounds that your relationships with some of them are rather conditional to say the least.

Xiney

It's a tough situation.

I think it's time to stop laughing it off, and time to tell them that on no level is their behaviour appropriate. They are bullying you, and being disrespectful to their partner, who is your friend! Straight out, tell them to stop.

Is there a girl with whom you are close in this group who's SO is not actively trying to get into your pants? Maybe it would be prudent to tell her about these problems you've been having so that if one of the guys decides to tell the group that you've been making inappropriate advances towards him in an effort at revenge, you'll have someone who can back you up on your end of the story.

cowzerp

Tell them taht your not interested and if they dont back off shout at them and make a bit of a scene!!
they'll think twice before doing anything again.

humanji

I wouldn't advise making a scene. If you threaten them by saying you'll go to the girlfriend, they'll most likely just tell the girlfriend that you made a pass at them. Is there any friend in the group that you could tell all this to? It would be kind of covering yourself in case one of the guys did accuse you.

r3nu4l

Just tell them quite openly that you are not interested in them that way and it's very unfair of them to do something like that to you and their wives/girlfriends.

Be friendly but firm. Maybe say something like "Hmm! I never really took you for the cheating type, I know I'm not!" Perhaps make a comment in the company of all your friends (including the wives/gfs) saying something like "Oh, the amount of lame ass guys with wives and gf's who've cracked onto me since I'm single is unbelievable! As if I would! They must think I'm some sort of a slapper! That really annoys me!"

Of course, that could end badly but you need to stop this now.

The_Conductor

r3nu4l wrote:

Just tell them quite openly that you are not interested in them that way and it's very unfair of them to do something like that to you and their wives/girlfriends.

Be friendly but firm. Maybe say something like "Hmm! I never really took you for the cheating type, I know I'm not!" Perhaps make a comment in the company of all your friends (including the wives/gfs) saying something like "Oh, the amount of lame ass guys with wives and gf's who've cracked onto me since I'm single is unbelievable! As if I would! They must think I'm some sort of a slapper! That really annoys me!"

Of course, that could end badly but you need to stop this now.

+1

I would also concur with the posters above- that you seriously need to find another group to socialise with. While they may be your friends for years- there is a very different dynamic being friends with them on an individual basis and going out and socialising with them as a group when they all have boyfriends/girlfriends. All you can really do is follow r3nu4l's advice. If this doesn't work- don't try to cause trouble for the guys- it will probably get misreported back one way or the other and you'll end up as the she-devil as you suggest.

Suggest you meetup with your girlfriends seperately- perhaps during the daytime for coffee or something- as they are your friends- but as for drinking etc- you really are going to have to face up to a changed situation- though its not of your making.