Marriage in trouble - advice needed

LegacyUser

Where do i start, myself and the wife are married a few years, had our first baby last year. Lately things have just been getting progressively worse for us. We moved back to her homeland a few years ago and to say that was the worst mistake we ever made is an understatement. My wife missed her parents and i wanted a change from living in dublin so i thought why not. Well big mistake. Her mom is a control freak and interferes well beyond the boundaries of what a mother should do. We cant go a day without her mom calling at least 5 times to find out what we are up too. God forbid we have any plans as she tries to muscle an invite.

This is an example of what we are dealing with, when we first moved over we found a beautiful condo for sale, went to see it, fell in love with it, ideal for me as wasnt too far from work. Well once we told the parents all hell breaks loose, they reduce my wife too tears saying how we can afford it crap like that. Eventually my wife caves in and the only alternative we have is move to the next town closer to her parents. My wife’s plea is that we live close enough to them as when we have kids they will look after our children a few days a week. So now i am in situation where i have been commuting back and forth to work close to 4 hours a day because of where we live. I have been doing this for a year and a half and to say i am fed up is laughable. I cant get a job closer to where we live as the money will be alot less and now that we have a baby we couldnt afford it. My wife wont even consider childcare, her mom talked her out of it saying its way too expensive and she would mind her. Well that hasn’t happened. My wife works 12 hours a week and they think that is perfectly fine for us to survive financially. It got so bad a few weeks ago that we couldnt even afford to buy food. God forbid i mention work more hours. Am i been unreasonable. My wife just see' what her mom thinks now. I cant take this rubbish anymore. Are mothers supposed to be supportive and caring instead of interfering. She has way to much influence over my wife. My wife calls her about everything. I have tried talking to my wife about how i feel but it always ends up in a big argument. I want to get the hell away from her and just live a normal happy life with my wife and child.

Even at the weekend i was at my future brother in laws stag party and he mentioned that she was a bit loopy. God forbid i saying anything to her as she will overreact big time. If i dont seem friendly all the time to her she thinks i hate her, that is the sort of **** i am dealing with.

Even before my wife was due to give birth, we talked about who should be in the room. I said i just wanted my wifes sister as she is in the medical field. I didnt want her in the room because when she is there she makes my wife nervous and she starts to worry about everything. Her mom has bio polar and has suffered from depression big time. Well all hell breaks loose. Next thing i hear is that her mom is thinking of a mini vacation whilst my wife gives birth. She ended up in the room for the birth, even telling the doctor what to do etc.

curehead

i think everyone is afraid of your mother in law :-)

get some canhones mate tell the biiatch straight up stop f n interfering ' so what if it offends her its bloody necessary for you and your family's sanity you have to break some eggs to make an omelette (mmm i'm hungry now) toodle pip

leeroybrown

I'm not sure if talking to the mother-in-law will do any good. She might just end up trying to turn your wife against you. I feel like I've said this before - you *need* to talk through all of this properly with your wife and make her listen and discuss the problems. The huge argument is probably required in this case.

If it comes to it perhaps you'll need to suggest involving a third-party counsellor, even if only to open your wife's eyes to how bad things have become.

LegacyUser

I have talked to my wife about it many times, we had the mother of all rows last night and we both said alot of things that we didnt mean. She just doesnt see where i am coming from. I dont want to have to say to her its either me or your mom because that is a prickish thing to do. This woman has time and time again force her negative opinions on my wife, hence now my wife has become alot like her.

We can only barely afford to pay our bills but it still doesnt make a blind bit of difference to my wifes mom. She had the cheek to say that my wife is working enough right now, she works 12 hours a week and we can barely cover our bills. I feel after living in the US for over 2 years that things havent worked out we should move back because nothing is ever going to change here. I had it out with her mom a few weeks when she asked me what should i do to help our situation. I mentioned moving home to ireland. Well all hell broke loose. She spent the next 30 minutes arguring every good point i had in moving back. Even had the cheek to say that she knows i miss my family but so what. My wife just sat there, didnt side with me. I feel like an outsider in my own marriage and that is sad. If i really tell her mom or dad to stop the interfering this will possibly ruin our relationship for ever. The weirdest thing in all of this is that i get on great with her dad. Her dad is the complete opposite to her mom, very easy going, relaxed, greather father in law.

I am tired of fighting with my wife. I have posted here before about this, i just dont know what to do. We talk and talk but my wife just doesnt get it. She thinks her moms words are god .I even considered leaving but that that is a cowardly thing to do as i really do love my wife and our new baby. It would break my heart if we split. I am not letting her mom breakup our marriage. No amount of talking is ever going to change anything. We have been through alot of crap in the last 6 months from my wife having major complications after the birth and nearly dieing to us not been able to afford food. I am not looking for pity just some guidance.

bronte

Talk to your wife, her mum sounds like a complete control freak.
She needs to stand up to her.
If my mum ever got like that, I'm afraid I'd have to be straight with her.

How Strange

OP, this post seems very familiar. Did you post this under another name in January. The details are pretty much the same - you moved to America (you don't say that here), your MIL is very controlling, this has affected your relationship with your wife, you travel hours to work because you live beside the in laws, you want to move back to Ireland because you are totally miserable.

What are you looking for from this post that you didn't get back in January? I'm curious because you haven't posted anything new from what I can see.

themadchef

My god ...you sound just like my husband!

We moved here from Dublin about 10 yrs ago.

We built about 100 yards from my parents house. Things changed completely when we had kids. I don't think he hates my mother, that's too strong a word, but he certainly hates what he sees as "interfering".

It's difficult to describe, but i come from a close family. They have always been here for me, but I'm married, so he comes first. The relationship i have with my mother is one of "best friends".

I will try to explain it to you from my point of view, it may be similar to your Mrs.

I respect my mothers opinion, I have no idea what goes on in your marriage, but my mother has been here to pick up the pieces on many an occasion. I feel if i got the right support, emotionally, from my partner. I wouldn't need to lean so heavily on my parents. He thinks she wants me to separate from him, but in reality, its quite the opposite. Every thing can seem like a "plot" or a big scheme, when in reality sometimes, its just the way things happen.

We went through a point last year where he would walk on the other side of the road just to avoid her. I cant begin to tell you how deeply this hurt. I can see it from her side, and yours. She loves her daughter, but you are her husband and above all you must come first for her. But to deserve first place, you must equally provide the love and emotional, physical support that she needs.

My husband is on much better terms with my mother now, and me . What did it take? Time, talking about your feelings and understanding. My husband now works in Dublin, comes home once a week for 2 days. Amazingly this has helped our marriage. He will be workng away a year n June. Not much longer to go till he moves back. It was a short term solution, for financial reasons. Even though i was left holding down a job and 4 kids, it actually worked better than i thought. But that was our joint decision, certainly not saying it would be your answer. We are 6 yrs married btw.

Don't despair, take a time out. I know financial pressures can make things even more difficult. Your commute must be hell. You're under a lot of pressure, just try to talk to her.

Very best of luck.

I cant give you a magic solution to this, i wish i had one, and sorry for the long post, i could go on for hours about this

LegacyUser

How Strange wrote: »

OP, this post seems very familiar. Did you post this under another name in January. The details are pretty much the same - you moved to America (you don't say that here), your MIL is very controlling, this has affected your relationship with your wife, you travel hours to work because you live beside the in laws, you want to move back to Ireland because you are totally miserable.

What are you looking for from this post that you didn't get back in January? I'm curious because you haven't posted anything new from what I can see.

Well nothing has changed since january. We talk and talk. Nothing changes as far as my wife is concerned. I dont know why i posted again, i just feel lost trying to latch onto any piece of advice. Im sorry if you feel like i am wasting your time buddy.

What the last poster mentioned struck a chord in me. Because of work and financial pressures i may not give the type of support that my wife needs right now. I really try to offer her the support she needs but its hard when your are been pulled in every direction. My wife and child mean the world to me and i love them very much.

leeroybrown

By the sounds of it the stress of working/commuting every hour available but still not being able to provide the quality of life you require for your family is getting to you. Your mother law is partially to blame for this but she's become the focal point of your frustration. It's understandable given the huge pressure of barely being able to provide for your family.

The next thing I'll say is that you have to drop the moving home idea. You seem to have fixated all your problems into a situation that can be solved by moving back to Ireland but I'm not sure if this is feasible or even if it is I'm not sure that it would do your marriage any good. If the current discussion/argument takes the form of 'we need to move back to Ireland' then I can understand why it would go absolutely nowhere.

I'd suggest that you need to come to a compromise with your wife where realises that there is a serious problem and will help make some changes in important areas to improve your situation.

LegacyUser

leeroybrown wrote: »

By the sounds of it the stress of working/commuting every hour available but still can't provide the quality of life you require for your family. Your mother law is partially to blame for this but she's become the focal point of your frustration. It's understandable given the huge pressure of barely being able to provide for your family.

The next thing I'll say is that you have to drop the moving home idea. You seem to have fixated all your problems into a situation that can be solved by moving back to Ireland but I'm not sure if this is feasible or even if it is I'm not sure that it would do your marriage any good. If the current discussion/argument takes the form of 'we need to move back to Ireland' then I can understand why it would go absolutely nowhere.

I'd suggest that you need to come to a compromise with your wife where realises that there is a serious problem and will help make some changes in important areas to improve your situation.

That is good advice. I think with everything going i had it in my head that moving home is the answer. It clearly isnt. More like an escape. I will drop the topic and see if things improve with my wife.

I just became lost as an individual and a husband. I need to take the advice of what people have posted here and my other thread and stop feeling sorry for myself and take some positives out of the situation.

Toots

OP, I think getting outside help is a good idea, a marriage counsellor may be able to help you communicate your feelings effectively to your wife, without it descending in to a huge argument. I agree with Leeroybrown in that I think a move back to Ireland would be a bad idea. If money is tight now, the costs of moving will seriously burn a hole in your pocket. Also moving is very stressful, so if you're having problems in your marriage, this could only make things a lot worse. I really think a marriage counsellor is the way to go. As I said, an impartial third party would be of benefit. Also, if you get things sorted between yourself and your wife, family counselling may also be a good idea, to try and sort things out with the MIL, although from what you've been saying, I'm not sure she'd go for it! You mention that you get on great with your father-in-law, perhaps you could have a chat with him about how things are going? Obviously phrase things carefully and ephasise that you are happy having your MIL as a part of your lives, but that she needs to take a step back. Maybe he might be able to talk to her?

Anyway, I hope things improve for you OP, I really do. Let us know how things are going. Best of luck.

themadchef

At the end of the day all any of us want is to be happy. This is causing you obvious distress, I'm sure shes aware of it.

But the pressure is on both of you. She is very much trapped in the middle here, i know, I've been there. She made a promise to you. But as Dr Phil would say..."you need to be her soft place to fall"....not her mother.

I believe marriage is for life, Though when things are bad its really really hard to sometimes see things getting better. Kids, money pressure, work pressure, no time alone, and when you do you spend it arguing. MAKE TIME! life is short, if she can turn to you, trust me, her mother (while still being around )will not be the end all and be all of her daily life.

Really hope you work this out.

How Strange

Had written a longer reply to you OP but my laptop crashed so here's a synopsis

No you're not wasting anyone's time. I was wondering why you were posting the same problem a second time.

Are you sure you're wife is not findling hard to cope with being a new mother? That could be a reason why she is letting herself be manipulated by her own mother - because she needs her.

You both have undergone major life changes recently and that can't be overlooked - moving to a new country and a new baby.

I'd suggest speaking to your wife - be honest and frank about how you feel. Then ask her to tell you how she feels and be open to listening to what she is saying. Then ask if she will attend counselling so you both can overcome these problems.

Sleepy

OP - put the foot down. Tell your wife you're considering leaving her because of her mother's interference in your lives. Sounds like she needs to seriously re-evaluate her priorities in life.

all the stars

Hopefully things get better, im just thinking argueing all the time with kids in the house will be a big thing to them, so you need to be ablke to communicate effectively without upsetting your kids. Also, you & your wife should be going to eachother about things, her mum shouldn't be involved too much... not healthy. Hope things get better...

dellas1979

Well, you know if you drop the subject with your wife, you'll be back here again in a few months with the same problem.

Would you and your wife consider marriage councelling? At least there would be someone to mediate and perhaps convey your feelings about this particular problem, in a way your wife might understand.

Im afraid if she says no, then you certainly need to look at more longer term options. <SNIP>

LegacyUser

How Strange wrote: »

Had written a longer reply to you OP but my laptop crashed so here's a synopsis

No you're not wasting anyone's time. I was wondering why you were posting the same problem a second time.

Are you sure you're wife is not findling hard to cope with being a new mother? That could be a reason why she is letting herself be manipulated by her own mother - because she needs her.

You both have undergone major life changes recently and that can't be overlooked - moving to a new country and a new baby.

I'd suggest speaking to your wife - be honest and frank about how you feel. Then ask her to tell you how she feels and be open to listening to what she is saying. Then ask if she will attend counselling so you both can overcome these problems.

I think my wife may be suffering from depression after the pregnancy, she doesnt want to take anything until she stops breastfeeding. I think once she starts to feel better about herself things will improve and she will see things rationally.

In the meantime i will do my damndest to support her and provide for her and our baby. We stayed at the parents last night and i had a chat with her dad. After talking to him things became alot clearer. Alot of what my wife is going though right now is what he goes through every day with his wife, my mother in law, the mother in law. She too suffers major bouts of depression.

I think a third party person sounds like a great idea because everything my wife thinks right now is right out out of her moms mouth. My wife just needs to see it from a different perspective. I am ashamed to admit i cannot support my family on just one income especially since we have a recession here now in the states. Living where we do its impossible to be a one income family unless i am a doctor or a lawyer. We have talked about going to see a marriage counsellor and i think its time to do so. I am just aware that when we do everything will come out in the open about the mother. My wife and child are my first priority.

Moving back is out of the question whilst we are in this state, we need to repair the trust in our marriage before any major decisions can be made. I am really going to try and take everyones advice in and make things work with my wife.

Wibbs

dellas1979 less of the sillyness. First and only warning.

How Strange

Advice_Needed wrote: »

I think my wife may be suffering from depression after the pregnancy, she doesnt want to take anything until she stops breastfeeding. I think once she starts to feel better about herself things will improve and she will see things rationally.

I think this is where an expert yet independent opinion would help. If you are arguing with each other about her mother then it is hard for her to take on board anything you say about the MIL. Your wife will most probably get very defensive because after all it is her mother.

We stayed at the parents last night and i had a chat with her dad. After talking to him things became alot clearer. Alot of what my wife is going though right now is what he goes through every day with his wife, my mother in law, the mother in law. She too suffers major bouts of depression.

My mother and sister are two peas in a pod and not in an entirely good way. They both tend to look at life in a glass half empty, far away hills being greener and everyone else has it all type of way. Both are prone to depression where they can be incredibly selfish and hurtful to the rest of the family. They can't be in a room together for more than an hour without getting on each others nerves. My mother interferes (with only the best of intentions it has to be said) when my sister is looking after her kids and tells her she should be doing it this, that and the other way. Needless to say we all run for cover when this starts.

My sister is probably very like my mother in terms of how she deals with her kids but my mother is always saying she is doing x, y or z wrong in parenting them. The ironic thing is that the faults she is pointing out are the ones she had herself when parenting us.

I don't think that daughters are necessarily doomed to ape the parenting skills of their mother but I do think that it is easy to fall into that pattern if thats how you were raised and you are struggling to establish your own mothering skills. I've also seen my sister fall into a habit of learned helplessness around my mother and defering to her sometimes. Luckily my mother is not malicious or manipulative so she doesn't interfere in my sister's relationship.

Your wife probably isn't fully aware of what she is doing in terms of allowing her mother to have so much influence on her, her marriage and her parenting. She has fallen into a relationship that while it is not positive is comfortable for her especially if she is struggling with her new role as mother.