My mother is being so unfair

lisajane

Im getting so annoyed with my mother. Im still living at home with my sister the same age as myself and my 2 older baby brothers. Im 25, and my 2 brothers are 27 and 28.
Every week my mother expects me and my sister to pay housekeeping and pay our share of any bills, which is fair enough u would expect it even if i was renting. But then she doesn't take a cent of my 2 brothers, which is so unfair.
My sister and i are expected to pay up and not to mention we still have to buy our own food also. Whereas my 2 brothers doesn't pay anything and come home every evening to find dinners on the table for them. They get paid alot more than i am. Come the weekend, they're in the pub drinking their money. They're to badly hung over monday morning they don't even go into work. This happens every week.
This is so unfair how my mother expects myself and my sister to pay our way and the lads get everything free. It should all be shared but its not. She doesn't even ask them for money.
Just last week i couldn't actually afford to pay her cause i had to get my car fixed for the nct so that i could escort her ass to do the shopping for the "babies", and she had a fit. I just pay her to avoid the arguments. But this is unfair.

Ok I see allot of people thinking now, why dont u move out at 25? I can't, im trying to save to go back to college sometime. And then i don't want to leave my pets and i cant bring them, they'l be no one to mind them when im in work. Maybe im just making excuses, and il certainly will check out the prices of renting, at least then it would be fair and everything will be shared.

Femelade

Have you said all this to your mother?
Maybe you and your sister should sit your mother down and tell her what you think??
It does seem extremely weird that she would only charge the girls and not the boys..have you asked her for an explanation?

cowzerp

Tell this story to your ma, its ridiculus! ask for an explanation.

togster

You're 25. Move out ffs

Wibbs

Irish mammy syndrome at it's best I reckon. To be fair I've noticed it goes on in other countries, especially catholic or ex catholic ones. You do need to confront her, I suppose but I'd be surprised if it does any good TBH. Keep your eye out for rental options. Then again that may be easier said than done if financially you're strapped, you're trying to go back to college and you have much loved pets you can't leave behind. While the stock answer as I said is to confront her, from a purely practical point of view, you may have to suck it up for the time being until you're in a better position.

rainbow kirby

togster wrote: »

You're 25. Move out ffs

+1

Seriously, moving out could be the best thing that ever happened to you.

spinandscribble

Doesnt seem that you're saving money where you are, so why not just move out? at 25 you really shouldnt have pet(s) if havnt a set shedule to take care of them. before making the decision to move out get your sister together to speak and just ask your mom "we dont mind paying but we would just like to know why the lads dont?"

she really cant not give you a reason and i'd say your mom needs the money thats why shes getting rent of you as you made no mention of your father. does she view your brothers as the ones to take care of her later in life? i've seen that in families the elderly mother take whatever she can from the youngest or the least wealthy and leaves the others for when shes very old and needs round the clock care. cynical maybe but thats literally whats happened and i've seen it.

if she refuses not to split the costs between you and your brothers and sister i'd suggest you and the sister move out together, maybe then you can keep the pets. no need to get snippy with your mother just say you dont want to grow to dislike her because she favours the boys so you are moving out.

Sam Vimes

togster wrote: »

You're 25. Move out ffs

+1

Wibbs

spinandscribble's take on it is a good un.

spinandscribble

then thank me man i havnt got any yet :P

beautiation

How do you get on with your brothers? If they see this reaosnably, could you possibly come to some arrangement without your mother knowing that they would pay you half of the costs you incur each week?

Also, is there any reason at all this could be happening beyond gender? It just such barefaced discrimination otherwise I'm amazed she's so shamless. Have you all been living there all your lives and just one day she started the two of you paying rent? How you accepted this proposal without immediately moving out I don't know, whatever about the cost, it's clear you're not wanted at all. Would worry about your health living in such a discriminatory atmosphere!

bronte

If it were me I'd just move out, My mother does the same with my brother, whereas I've always been independent.
It drives me nuts when I see him incapable of doing even the simplest task because he's been mammied to hell and doesn't know how. :mad:
I, on the other hand am expected to do housework etc., which is fine for now.
Moving away at the end of the summer, the only thing that's stopped me so far is saving for my Masters course.
You're already paying rent, have a look at prices and see what you can afford.
It's going to be like this as long as you live there , Believe me! :rolleyes:

unreggd

This happened to me when I was 17, so i moved out

I was in 5th year, not workin, and me ma wanted me to pay rent!

Im 20 now, and she's contacted me twice since I moved [10 mins up the road]
and both occasions were final shots at gettin money from me


So I dont talk to her anymore, shes nuts, and im gettin on with me own business

So, as mentioned above, tell her, and/or move out

hamnegg

togster wrote: »

You're 25. Move out ffs

Dam right, rent isn't that much. I'm the same age living just outside the city, Maynooth and I'm in a double room en suite for 340.

Had trouble at home myself. Numerous rows that I could write a book about. Usual story. Best thing I ever did was get out.

Dudess

Wibbs wrote: »

Irish mammy syndrome at it's best I reckon.

Oh unbelievable. I reckon half the time they're not even aware they're doing it. My mum's fairly forward thinking but she's been guilty of making concessions (if minor ones) for her "boys" - don't think she's even aware of it though. I'd say my dad's mother picked up after him and his brothers, while his sisters are domestic goddesses (well ok, different generation I suppose).

lisajane

spinandscribble wrote: »

does she view your brothers as the ones to take care of her later in life? i've seen that in families the elderly mother take whatever she can from the youngest or the least wealthy and leaves the others for when shes very old and needs round the clock care. cynical maybe but thats literally whats happened and i've seen it.

She sees myself and my sister to take care of her in later life. Not my brothers. She's even said it before. But in all fairness, all she's ever thought us that we should be independent and capable of minding ourselves, which we are. And all because we are women. So in all fairness when she's old and incapable of minding herself, she can mind herself cause she's a woman.

It might sound mean of me but she's been like that all our lives. She's done nothing but put myself and my sister down with whatever we did. But it was always completely different for the lads. She always thought that they were capable of making something of their lives and that we should be stuck in a kitchen minding kids. It is discrimination.

She has always bitched about my granny (my dad's mother) cause she has always minded him and still does. But she's going to end up like her. I honestly pity the future girlfriends/wives of my brothers cause my mother is just going to hate them for taking away her babies.

Chinafoot

lisajane wrote: »

Ok I see allot of people thinking now, why dont u move out at 25? I can't, im trying to save to go back to college sometime. And then i don't want to leave my pets and i cant bring them, they'l be no one to mind them when im in work. Maybe im just making excuses, and il certainly will check out the prices of renting, at least then it would be fair and everything will be shared.

Yes you are making excuses. Saving to go back to college sometime? When is sometime? Do you have a definite plan here or is it just something you hope to do at some point?

As for the pets, I'm sure it wouldnt be impossible to find a pet-friendly houseshare.

lisajane wrote: »

She's done nothing but put myself and my sister down with whatever we did. But it was always completely different for the lads. She always thought that they were capable of making something of their lives and that we should be stuck in a kitchen minding kids. It is discrimination.

You're 25. You're an adult. If you don't like the situation in your mother's house leave it. Don't wallow in this angsty "It so unfair!! Discrimination!!" rubbish. Yes I agree it doesn't seem fair but if she's been like this for as long as you can remember it's not going to change. Time for you to change your own situation.

You might be surprised at how your relationship with your mother will improve once you move out.

daiixi

You're right, it's not fair but you're not helping yourself. So many other people live out of home and put themselves through college, save for their own car, house and holidays and have pets. There's no reason why you can't. But you know that already. Just out of curiosity, what kind of pets do you have that can't be left on their own while you work?

Overheal

take out the appropriate loans and put yourself through college. its an expensive option in the long run but worth it. to have a degree and a high paying job? financial independence after you graduate? worth considering.

b3t4

Look, there is little hope you're going to change your mother's attitude therefore you need to accept her as is, warts and all.

Move out. But go one better and move out with your sister. The two of ye together should be able to find a suitable place that would allow you to bring your pets with you. Starting looking now. Ye are already paying rent/bills therefore at least this way ye'd have yeer own place with yeer own rules and wouldn't have to put up with looking at yeer brothers getting treated as kings.

A

jesus_thats_gre

Dudess wrote: »

Oh unbelievable. I reckon half the time they're not even aware they're doing it. My mum's fairly forward thinking but she's been guilty of making concessions (if minor ones) for her "boys" - don't think she's even aware of it though. I'd say my dad's mother picked up after him and his brothers, while his sisters are domestic goddesses (well ok, different generation I suppose).

My mother is from Finland and she even does it. It's bloody great My sister doesn't deserve the love and affection I receive from my mother.


To the OP, talk to your mum about it and make sure you avoid an argument. If she still isn't receptive, tell her that you aren't going to give her a penny until your brothers start coffing up their fair share. If she can't deal with that and gives you too much flak, seriously consider moving out as an option and do so if she persists.

Carrigart Exile

One other option, I know of several mums who religiously take 'keep' from their daughters to put into a bank account to give them when they get married

Beruthiel

lisajane wrote: »

Ok I see allot of people thinking now, why dont u move out at 25? I can't, im trying to save to go back to college sometime. And then i don't want to leave my pets and i cant bring them, they'l be no one to mind them when im in work. Maybe im just making excuses, and il certainly will check out the prices of renting, at least then it would be fair and everything will be shared.

Sorry, but all the above is just one big excuse. You are 25 years of age and still living with your mother. I left home at 19 and managed, so will you.
I will never understand how someone in their twenties can stay sane living with their parents at that age, you need to make your own way in life, become self reliant and grow as a person, that simply cannot happen while under your parents roof. Time to stand on your own two feet, move out.