Species of motorists

ART6

Having read the many posts on the subject, and after a number of years of careful study, I have come to the conclusion that strange driving habits are not a particularly Irish phenomenon. People in general, it seems to me, tend to fit into quite defined motoring categories. There is:

Captain Hornblower:
Generally early middle aged male driving a new or nearly new car. Anyone nipping across him on a roundabout or slowing down for a pedestrian, or anything else that he perceives as causing him more than half a second’s delay, has him leaning on his horn even after the transgressor has long gone. While he may have succeeded in scaring the bejasus out of half a dozen pedestrians and a dog, what other purpose does it serve? Has he never made a mistake or misjudged a situation? If he hasn’t then he should identify himself. We need a Minister for Transport who knows a bit about motoring.

The Flasher:
This individual is most often a youngish salesman type driving a Mondeo. He is on important business, so everyone should yield to him. Repeated headlight flashing from behind means “Put your car up the b****y verge if necessary, but get out of me way”. In town it can also be intended to mean “Get into the other lane”, or “Stop sitting in the middle of the lane at just below the speed limit”. Unfortunately many other less hurried people flash their headlights to (a) let another motorist pass in front of them or (b) to warn oncoming traffic that the cops with radar guns are just down the road. Perhaps someone should tell him that headlight beams travel well, and might be interpreted by more than just the intended recipient. T-bone anyone?. However, he is a member of a doomed species. If Gorgeous Gormley & Co have their way there will be no more incandescent bulbs, and it will take five minutes for one’s headlights to flash using planet saving energy efficient bulbs. By that time the purpose of the intended flash will have become irrelevant.

The “I need companionship” driver:
This is the driver who insists on sitting ten feet (sorry, 3.048 metres) off one’s back bumper at all speeds up to the maximum of which their vehicle is capable. Having made something of a study of this habit I have come to the conclusion that nine out of ten of them are (a) aged around 20 years old, are (b) female, and (c) are driving a vehicle with a dashboard that they can’t see over. Where I live a line of vehicles with fronts and rears bashed in is a relatively common sight, usually accompanied by a little group of seriously upset young women and one highly indignant male. For years I tried to believe that they stuck to me so closely because of my magnetic alpha male personality, but as the age difference between us rose I had to admit….

The Astronomer:
This is the guy who drives a car with one headlight pointing upwards at about twenty degrees even on dipped beam. It illuminates wonderfully the foliage of the trees in the verge, allowing him to admire the plastic foil caught in the branches, and it also ensures that oncoming traffic cannot see anything other than stars for a minute or two. Suggesting to him that the moon doesn’t actually need to be highlighted seems to fall on deaf ears.

The Blind who Lead:
One assumes that these are drivers, since they are trundling a shopping trolley across the supermarket car park. Once again, regrettably, they are almost always female, but more often of more mature years. They are the ones that, when you are reversing out of or into a space, will happily walk immediately behind you without appearing to notice that your vehicle is (a) moving and (b) has its reversing lights on. On studying this behavior I have noticed that they rarely do it when the vehicle is occupied by a woman driver, which suggests that are all equipped with some form of collision avoidance system that only registers other women – for example, why do they run their shopping trolleys into every man in the supermarket, but never into another woman?

The School Run Kamikaze:
To become a proficient member of the school run campaign it is first essential to buy the largest vehicle that is lawful on the road. It is then essential to put half a dozen seriously active children into it and transport them half a mile down the road on a sunny Summer’s day. Upon arrival at the school it is essential that the vehicle be parked (abandoned) where it will cause the maximum of obstruction to traffic with the minimum of walking distance to the school door. Having discharged the children it is then a matter of pride that one should pull out into oncoming traffic without any hesitation or signals. The most experienced will then proceed to do a three point turn in the road, ideally without bothering to look if anyone else inhabits the planet.

The Michael Schumacher Clone:
This driver is almost always a young male (young females are too preoccupied with working on their tailgating skills to bother with such things). He drives a car that has now become known as a “hot hatch” which, a few years ago, would have been considered to be a small family car – a Golf or something. It is embellished with go-faster stripes, and is fitted with an exhaust tailpipe that would not have looked out of place on the Titanic (which is 2 ½ miles down, or 4 km if you prefer, in the North Atlantic where many people would wish his car to be). He is highly skilled at doing “doughnuts” by which means he single handedly funds Bridgestone’s supply of tyres to Formula 1. He sees traffic lights as an extension of the Formula 1 starting grid, to be left on green in a haze of blue smoke. Exhaust silencers exist for the sole purpose of creating the maximum engine noise. Speed limits are a challenge, not a restriction.

The Brake Tester:
If the car in front seems to be continually braking for no apparent reason it is probably being driven by a qualified brake tester. He is the driver whose brake lights, at night, always flash on whenever another vehicle appears coming the other way. He has never heard of or practiced engine braking, and has only a limited concept of the purpose of a gear lever. He prefers to demonstrate his skills by sticking rigidly to the middle of the road so that no-one can pass him, secure in the knowledge that his actions will be causing maximum frustration in the vehicles behind him. He operates according to a simple and frequently declared policy that engines are for speeding up and brakes are for slowing down. There is no alternative option.

The Cause of Confusion:
The Little Old Lady in a furry hat, sitting below the dash in a Nissan Micra. Her indicator stalk is designed to work back to front, so that when she indicates to turn left she is actually about to turn right. Lane markings mean little to her and she reserves the right to use any lane at any time without warning. She does, however, have some preference for outside lanes since they are furthest from the pavement and are, therefore, safer. She needs her glasses to drive at all, but since they provide long focus she cannot see the speedometer. Accordingly she must drive at not more than 50% of the speed limit at any time in order to cause no offence to those nice Gardai.

The Hunchback:
Often seen in vehicles that are clearly too large for the occupant, who as a result cannot reach the foot pedals unless he or she (mostly she) is pressed up against the steering wheel. In that position the only possible way to steer is to do so one handed, and that placed on the dead top centre of the wheel. That method has some advantages in that it leaves one hand completely free for fiddling with the hair, applying make-up, adjusting the radio, or even taking a few sips from the bottle of mineral water. It doesn’t do much for vehicle control, particularly in emergencies or when certain parts of her anatomy are stuck between the spokes, but then all of the others on the road are idiots anyway, aren’t they? Anything happens will be their fault, won’t it?

The Expert Driver:
Those of us, including me, who believe we have got the hang of this driving business. We are safe, fast, expert, and we never make mistakes. No-one should be on the road without our approval.

Disclaimer:
The author of this post denies any responsibility for it.:p

ballooba

I notice that you didn't include slow drivers. I wonder why.

ART6

No real reason. Just seemed to me that being slow is just as likely to be a characteristic of one or more of the listed species -- old, indecisive, etc. Not everyone burns the tarmac, and I was only trying to introduce a bit of relaxed humour into what was becoming a real ankle biting war on these boards.

Oh, and for the record, I am not a slow driver in case you got that idea. Remember my footnote. I am an expert and no-one should be on the road without my permission:D

landydef

im the expert,the hornblower and the flasher all rolled into one.

ART6

Good for you boy!:D

D_murph

i agree with the "blind who lead" one. do some people not know that a reversing car is dangerous too or what is their problem? :rolleyes:

i was reversing out of my drive a few years back and even though i looked everywhere these two idiots (man and a woman btw) were after springing out of nowhere and of all the stupidity ive ever seen, this has to be the worst.

they were looking in the rear windscreen at me as much as to silently ask me if i was going to drive over them :eek::rolleyes:

basically if i hadnt seen them they probably would have stayed there until id have reversed over them. did getting out of the way in case i wouldnt see them ever cross their minds FFS? :rolleyes:

Darwin awards if ever. how are people this thick still alive i ask you

campervan

ART6 wrote: »

and I was only trying to introduce a bit of relaxed humour into what was becoming a real ankle biting war on these boards.

love the humour! i wouldnt have time to think all that up and write it down, glad someone else could do it for me! As someone who commutes 4 hours everyday...yes 2 hours each way...i have seen and experienced every single one of them and i have come to the conclusion that ireland is just a superficial rat race and i have learned to relax in the car and enjoy the ride. no more horns for me

cashmni1

campervan wrote: »

love the humour! i wouldnt have time to think all that up and write it down, glad someone else could do it for me! As someone who commutes 4 hours everyday...yes 2 hours each way...i have seen and experienced every single one of them and i have come to the conclusion that ireland is just a superficial rat race and i have learned to relax in the car and enjoy the ride. no more horns for me

I have to agree. I am sick and tired or rushing and tearing around to get there 2 min before the next guy. I guess I am getting older too. I have also been involved in a recent accident, (yes my fault, slow moving traffic (1st gear), blinding sun and the back side of an astra), anyway, the experience I have learned is not to get too excited when I see people doing stupid things.
I must say though, not too many people speeding around the place anymore as compared with years ago. the most common stupid thing I see on my comute every day is incorrect lane hogging. WTF. It is an overtaking lane, not anything elce. FFS.
Sorry, that still really makes me mad.

WHITE_P

I think how someone drives can be read like body language.

I find it definetly pays to watch any car in immediate proximity to you very carefully.

Anyone else notice that the bad drivers seem to multiply on Friday's, seems you can't drive more than a few hundred yards on a Friday without meeting some clown who really shouldn't be on the road.

R.O.R

WHITE_P wrote: »

I think how someone drives can be read like body language.

I find it definetly pays to watch any car in immediate proximity to you very carefully.

Anyone else notice that the bad drivers seem to multiply on Friday's, seems you can't drive more than a few hundred yards on a Friday without meeting some clown who really shouldn't be on the road.

I also like the way they clearly mark rental cars on the rear. Instead of the yellow "1" in the circle, Green "E" or "We Try Harder..." signs, read "WARNING, LIABLE TO DO ABSOLUTLEY ANYTHING". Especially around the Airport.

Personally I've always found the weekend worse for idiots. At least during the week the bad drivers know where they are going. Ever tried to come out of Dublin City Centre, up Gardiner Street on a Saturday or Sunday? Weekend drivers seem to have very little discipline compared to those of us running the rat race.

landydef

i have to agree with r.o.r during the week at least people know where there going even on the red cow,i dont mean to point fingers at our country cousins but did you ever check out the red cow or any section of road with road works more then 10 metres long in the capital on the all-ireland or any big GAA weekend, it ends up like a mixture of an episode of the wacky races and a stock car race:)

Esel

Boo! Hiss! for copy and paste (and tiny font).