ex/best friend need to move on

LegacyUser

ok this may be a long one.

i was with my girlfrind whom i loved deeply for a year and a half. and i could tell she loved me too. but things started to go down the pot when i had to move away during the week days. so we broke up and she left me for one of my friends and work mates. at the time i felt like i had no one, but as you all know, thats never the case, well, mostly.
so i go on with it, asked for space from her and stuff. but when ever we did text she got mad, got angry with me, blamed me for something, just being a bi**h to me. but i kept trying to stay friends. but after about 3 months, i had enough, told her to either cop her arse on or just leave me alone. it was so hard to do, but had to be done. my reply was, get what ever stuff of yours that is in my house and dont come back.

so that was it, or so i thought, that night i get a message sayin she was sorry, bla bla bla, i said i would think about it, i honestly lost all trust i had for her. that was a tuesday, about 2 weeks ago now.

then, that friday, im on the way home in the car from dub and i get a call from her. i answer, confused at why she was ringin me. and shes in pieces, total pieces. her boy friend, and my ex friend, had broken up with her. so i met up with her.

they were togetther offically about 2 weeks after we broke up, and i was happy for her, dispite my hurtings. and they said they loved each other, which lead me to thin was she really over me at all.

during all this, i was hurtin alot for the first while, but because of her treating me like ****e, i started to move on,. met a girl in dublin who i really like, or well, liked,

we met up during the week, and for no reason it was real akward, which leads me to start getting ready to hurt and sub conciously and uncontrolably change my feelings for her. but up to that i had thought i had moved on.

that day my ex rang me, and we met up, i didn feel any thing for her, i didn miss her, i just comferted her, which helped strengthin the idea that i was getting over her, despite the fact taht i new i wasnt over the relationship.


but then, my ex started to text me alot, and shes still upset, but i need my space, but all her friends, and i mean them all, told her to grow up being upset about ger (the one who just dumpde her).. so i was all she had, and all she has. she used to cut her self and has told me taht shes been close to starting agin the last few days. so i cant just ask for my space and leave her. and even if i could, i would get so worried about her i would have to text her, so either way i cant do that for a while

last night she was upset so we met up and went for a drive. we had pulled into a space and were talkin for a few hours. but during taht, i had started to like her alot, ALOT, and we nearly kissed liek4 times. we didnt, but nearly.

now im just confused what to do, i want her back, in a way, as in i want someting to happin, but not yet, not for a while, but i do really like her, and i reckon i do still love her.

baiscly im just confused,

not really sure what to do

any ideas would be brill,

thanks

Bottle_of_Smoke

She's using you as an emotional crutch. If she was with your mate I'm shocked you have any time for her now.

I know you want to kiss her & get back together but once she gets her confidence back together she'll be with someone else. How would you feel if she left you again for another mate?

My recommentation is to cut her out of your life altogether until you're 100% sure you're no longer interested.

Overheal

I'd agree with smoke, but weigh the risk of her mutilating herself. Get in contact with one of her friends about it. Im sure you must know one that she would normally confide in: give them a ring and fill them in.

LegacyUser

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

My recommentation is to cut her out of your life altogether until you're 100% sure you're no longer interested.

honestly i dont see that as an option, like she is genuinly sorry about how she treated me, and she pleaded with me to stay friends before he broke up with her after i said something to her. weve been through too much to just not talk any more, i honestly couldnt do it. im way to much of a sentimental person

i have talked to her friends, loads about it, but there not intrested, not one bit

Gyalist

unreg123456789 wrote: »

ok this may be a long one.

i was with my girlfrind whom i loved deeply for a year and a half. and i could tell she loved me too.

You could tell, eh? I guess she never actually told you so.

but things started to go down the pot when i had to move away during the week days. so we broke up and she left me for one of my friends and work mates. at the time i felt like i had no one, but as you all know, thats never the case, well, mostly.
so i go on with it, asked for space from her and stuff. but when ever we did text she got mad, got angry with me, blamed me for something, just being a bi**h to me. but i kept trying to stay friends. but after about 3 months, i had enough, told her to either cop her arse on or just leave me alone. it was so hard to do, but had to be done. my reply was, get what ever stuff of yours that is in my house and dont come back.

Son, you're dealing with a "freak" and you're quite clearly a "nice guy". Stay far away because you're not equipped to handle this. Notice how she only started to respect you after you got tough with her? That's because she is probably one of those women who only respects male dominance and power.

so that was it, or so i thought, that night i get a message sayin she was sorry, bla bla bla, i said i would think about it, i honestly lost all trust i had for her. that was a tuesday, about 2 weeks ago now.

then, that friday, im on the way home in the car from dub and i get a call from her. i answer, confused at why she was ringin me. and shes in pieces, total pieces. her boy friend, and my ex friend, had broken up with her. so i met up with her.

they were togetther offically about 2 weeks after we broke up, and i was happy for her, dispite my hurtings. and they said they loved each other, which lead me to thin was she really over me at all.

during all this, i was hurtin alot for the first while, but because of her treating me like ****e, i started to move on,. met a girl in dublin who i really like, or well, liked,

we met up during the week, and for no reason it was real akward, which leads me to start getting ready to hurt and sub conciously and uncontrolably change my feelings for her. but up to that i had thought i had moved on.

that day my ex rang me, and we met up, i didn feel any thing for her, i didn miss her, i just comferted her, which helped strengthin the idea that i was getting over her, despite the fact taht i new i wasnt over the relationship.


but then, my ex started to text me alot, and shes still upset, but i need my space, but all her friends, and i mean them all, told her to grow up being upset about ger (the one who just dumpde her).. so i was all she had, and all she has. she used to cut her self and has told me taht shes been close to starting agin the last few days. so i cant just ask for my space and leave her. and even if i could, i would get so worried about her i would have to text her, so either way i cant do that for a while

Your "friend" probably saw something in her that he wasn't comfortable with and decided to split. You should do the same. You're thinking of getting into a relationship with a "cutter"? You know, I think that in his life every man has what I like to call a "project chick". One whose problems he thinks he can fix. Well you can't be both therapist and lover. Encourage her to seek help for her problems but keep your emotional distance from her.

last night she was upset so we met up and went for a drive. we had pulled into a space and were talkin for a few hours. but during taht, i had started to like her alot, ALOT, and we nearly kissed liek4 times. we didnt, but nearly.

now im just confused what to do, i want her back, in a way, as in i want someting to happin, but not yet, not for a while, but i do really like her, and i reckon i do still love her.

baiscly im just confused,

not really sure what to do

any ideas would be brill,

thanks

Overheal

you can't be both therapist and lover.

So very true. Its the first step toward the friend zone if nothing else.

fuzzywiggle

You can't help your feelings, i know but just think about all this girl has done to you over the last while.

If her most recent ex boyfriend hadn't of broke up with her you wouldn't have heard from her.

Bottle_of_Smoke

Unreg123456789 wrote: »

honestly i dont see that as an option, like she is genuinly sorry about how she treated me, and she pleaded with me to stay friends before he broke up with her after i said something to her. weve been through too much to just not talk any more, i honestly couldnt do it. im way to much of a sentimental person

She was just worried she was splitting friends up & her reputation might suffer. Nothing else.

Get some perspective here, you're way too biased as you have feelings for her.

If your younger brother told you a similar story what would you tell him to do?

estar

and theres being a complete doormat.

where is your anger and righteous indignation?

where is your FCuk You no one treats me like that

to go off within two weeks of breaking up with you

with one of your friends / workmates is unclassy,

inconsiderate and cheap. cheap, cheap, cheap.

this girl is a selfish ninny, and is not friend material.

real friends are respectful and kind. what was the big
rush, if they were really in love they would have
left it a good 3-4 months at least before getting together.

stop being a doormat. stop being a doormat. stop being a doormat.

tell her to take her pity party and fcuk right off.

Wibbs

unreg123456789 wrote: »

i was with my girlfrind whom i loved deeply for a year and a half. and i could tell she loved me too.

How could you tell as a matter of interest?

so i go on with it, asked for space from her and stuff.

Very good plan. Get distance and move on etc.

but when ever we did text she got mad, got angry with me, blamed me for something, just being a bi**h to me.

Sounds like the type to blame others by that account.

but i kept trying to stay friends.

Bad plan and a reversal of you asking for space. In this case I blame you more than her. You ask for space, yet keep in contact and take her calls. You say one thing and do another. Stick to your decision, whichever one you make.

but after about 3 months, i had enough, told her to either cop her arse on or just leave me alone. it was so hard to do, but had to be done. my reply was, get what ever stuff of yours that is in my house and dont come back.

OK so that was that. Second breakup and a hissy fit from her because you're not being consistent and she's not getting what she wants.

so that was it, or so i thought, that night i get a message sayin she was sorry, bla bla bla, i said i would think about it, i honestly lost all trust i had for her. that was a tuesday, about 2 weeks ago now.

Stay focussed and ignore her.

then, that friday, im on the way home in the car from dub and i get a call from her. i answer, confused at why she was ringin me. and shes in pieces, total pieces. her boy friend, and my ex friend, had broken up with her.

Boo hoo. When she left you she had t take the consequences of that which includes not having you as a "friend" and shoulder to cry on. As others have said she only called you because she got dumped. End of. If she was still with the other guy you would be a lot less in the picture.

so i met up with her.

Again bad plan. She's the one consistently in the driving seat.

they were togetther offically about 2 weeks after we broke up,

Yea and I would put good money that she had made her choice of him, before she officially gave you your marching orders. In 99.999% of cases of instant replacement it's planned and often acted upon before it's official.

and i was happy for her, dispite my hurtings.

That's nice of you but it doesn't help you.

and they said they loved each other, which lead me to thin was she really over me at all.

They "loved" each other that quickly? That above 99.999% has just gone to 100%. Clearly they're both emotionally incontinent and their recent breakup illustrates this. On that basis they'll probably go back to each other, leaving you as a third wheel again, until her next "crisis" comes up.

we met up during the week, and for no reason it was real akward, which leads me to start getting ready to hurt and sub conciously and uncontrolably change my feelings for her. but up to that i had thought i had moved on.

You may have moved on in little ways but you're still dragging the ex behind you. If you weren't what she was up to wouldn't matter a damn.

that day my ex rang me, and we met up, i didn feel any thing for her, i didn miss her, i just comferted her, which helped strengthin the idea that i was getting over her, despite the fact taht i new i wasnt over the relationship.

Sounds about right.

but then, my ex started to text me alot, and shes still upset, but i need my space, but all her friends, and i mean them all, told her to grow up being upset about ger (the one who just dumpde her)..

I agree with her mates.

so i was all she had, and all she has.

If that's the case then she should have nurtured your relationship/friendship better. The reality is that she knows you'll take her crap and that's why you're valuable to her.

she used to cut her self and has told me taht shes been close to starting agin the last few days.

Ahh the classics, emotional blackmail. Common in the emotionally confused.

so i cant just ask for my space and leave her.

Yes you can. She's not your girlfriend or indeed a friend by your account so you have no obligation to her, beyond common humanity. In the latter case, inform one of her close friends about your concerns. Tell your ex that this contact is doing neither of you any good and then walk. Do not fall back into this. Stick to your guns.

and even if i could, i would get so worried about her i would have to text her, so either way i cant do that for a while

Well she wasn't so worried about you when she copped off with your mate, was she? She wasn't so worried about you when she rang you and kicked off on the whole moaning angry line, was she?

last night she was upset so we met up and went for a drive. we had pulled into a space and were talkin for a few hours. but during taht, i had started to like her alot, ALOT, and we nearly kissed liek4 times. we didnt, but nearly.

She's a headwreck and an emotional car crash at the moment and so are you by being around her.

now im just confused what to do, i want her back, in a way, as in i want someting to happin, but not yet, not for a while, but i do really like her, and i reckon i do still love her.

You need to be over her, before you can think of getting back with her ironically enough.

baiscly im just confused,

not really sure what to do

any ideas would be brill,

Step back breathe, get her out of your life for the time being.

lordgoat

Harsh position to be in. Some people on here have trouble taking on board that if someone treats you like **** you don't have to act the same towards them. I think you (OP) need to be sure of her and what she really feels for you before you even think about anything else.

Do you think you'll be able to trust her, not just at the moment but in weeks to come when you're still away.

Also the reasons you brokeup for initially are still there, are they not? Don't let current circumstances make you forget the **** you went through in the first place.

It sounds like you really care about her and if you think she's special to you and regardless of how **** she treated to you, that you still want to find out if she's worth another chance then that will be a tough coice to make.
Or decide she isn't worth the risk and cut all ties. In this case i don't think there can be any inbetweens.

Either way, good luck.

Marksie

estar wrote: »

and theres being a complete doormat.

where is your anger and righteous indignation?

where is your FCuk You no one treats me like that

to go off within two weeks of breaking up with you

with one of your friends / workmates is unclassy,

inconsiderate and cheap. cheap, cheap, cheap.

this girl is a selfish ninny, and is not friend material.

real friends are respectful and kind. what was the big
rush, if they were really in love they would have
left it a good 3-4 months at least before getting together.

stop being a doormat. stop being a doormat. stop being a doormat.

tell her to take her pity party and fcuk right off.

Somtimes things like that call for maturity.

The OP requested his space, did most of the things a mature adult would do. Regardless of what the g/friend did he is stiill concerned.
If she is using him as an emotional crutch then he will now stop it by cutting all contact. As she ahs to learn to make her own conscious choices as an adult and learn from the experiences.

If she contnues to need support, she will neither learn nor will the OP adequately move on though

IMO his behaviour is not that of a doormat. He does just need to get on and move beyond her.

togster

OP i feel for you.

My ex did the same thing recently. Arrived un-announced after 3.5 months at my door. Upset and all that sh!t.

Your ex is using you. That is the long and the short of it. You need to ask yourself do you want someone who fcuks with your head for her own short term hapiness?

I know i am better than that, we all are.

4Xcut

You can just walk away. She dumped you, her problems are her problems.

Wibbs

4Xcut wrote: »

You can just walk away. She dumped you, her problems are her problems.

That pretty much sums it up in a nutshell.

LegacyUser

Just in reply to whoever called the girl a freak because she is a "cutter"

I just feel that's unfair. Different people discover different ways of dealing with stress and hurt. I have never experienced cutting myself nore do I know anyone who has, but I feel very strongly that just because you can't relate to someones way of getting through life doesn't make it ok to call them a freak.

I do however think that OP is being too nice and is simply being taken in by the initial spark that probably caused the relationship to happen in the first place.

Write down a list of all the qualities you think you want from a potential girlfriend. Then see how many she has - remmeber you know her now and you're not going in with you eyes closed.

Good Luck

Gyalist

hhhggrrrr wrote: »

Just in reply to whoever called the girl a freak because she is a "cutter"

I just feel that's unfair. Different people discover different ways of dealing with stress and hurt. I have never experienced cutting myself nore do I know anyone who has, but I feel very strongly that just because you can't relate to someones way of getting through life doesn't make it ok to call them a freak.

If you take another look at my post you will find that you are taking the ideas that I expressed in two separate paragraphs and conflating them into something that I did not say. I used the term "freak" to describe her behaviour. The way she goaded him into eventually losing his temper, and then her response to his display of assertiveness.

dr.bollocko

Dude you are being a doormat. She has all the power in this relationship now, because she dumped you for a best friend that she got with within 2 weeks of breaking up with you, and you're still helping her now that he broke up with her.
I mean take a step back from the situation, if it was your mate, wouldn't you be thinking "Move the **** on man, she is only ever going to hurt you more."
And that's not trying to be cruel, I really think you were trying to be a good guy. But be good to yourself and cut this off with this girl.