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LegacyUser

Hey guys,

As usual on PI, regular poster going unreg'd.

I don't know where to start! (Apologies if this is dis-jointed!)

So have been battling depression for a few years. Have gone down a few different routes (counselling, psychatrist, meds) and I always end up back in the same place - here! History of self harm

Things have gone wrong. They were fine for a while. I went for a substantial period without doing anything (6 months +) which may not seem like much but for me it all went wrong somewhere over the past few weeks and I have found myself hurting myself again. I don't want to be in this place but something inside me snaps and I end up cutting (or whatever).

The past few days have been really bad. My moods have been all over the place, hysterically happy one minute (jumping around the place, hyperactive even) and then 5 mins later I'm couped up in a ball in the dark struggling to breathe because panic has taken over.

I'm back seeing the counsellor but I'm not sure if I want to be. I know I need help but I don't want to become dependant on counselling, I know I need to help myself and get to a place in my head where I can sort out my own issues.

It doesn't help that I'm in the middle of final year with projects, assignments exams and dealines fast approaching.

Each time I've gotten "better" I've ended up right back at the start. And it's really starting to piddle me off.

I'm not going to go into whats gone on in my life that's triggered the moods (mainly because I'm afraid in case anyone finds out who I am!).

I don't even know why I'm posting here!

Moss

If you are harming yourself you need to see a psychiatrist immediately. You said you have seen one before. Make contact with him again. When you say you are seeing a counsellor, I presume this means the individual is not a clinical psychologist. If its just a generic counsellor you are seeing he will not be able to help you. He isn't qualified to deal with major depression, panic disorder and self harm.

If your moods are fluctuating up and down like you describe then you need to be on medication. Perhaps a combination of antidepressants and mood stabilisers.

How long were you on medication before?

RedXIV

I know what it's like in a final year of college with projects left right and centre, pressure can be enormous and stress is there even for the most laid back of people. But i strongly second Moss's advice and ask that you seek the help you need. you may not want to become dependant on counciller but you're options at the moment suggest that as the best course of action

Moss

I wouldn't recommend the OP see a counsellor for these problems. He would be much better off seeing a psychiatrist.

Overheal

What is it you dont like about yourself OP?

LegacyUser

What is it you dont like about yourself OP?

I could go on for days here ;-) But my feelings on myself aren't the issue here. The issue is some things that happened in the past that recently raised their not-so-lovely selves recently.

How long were you on medication before?

On and off for 2 and a bit years. I didn't feel they were helping me so with the agreement of my counsellor and psychaitrist we decided that it would be best for me not to take them. I tried a variety or different meds, they all had horrible side effects with me.

I know it sounds stupid but I don't even feel like a) I need to talk or b) that i'll be able to talk. But I know I need help because I can't go on like this.

JuliusCaesar

unreg_123 wrote: »

I'm not going to go into whats gone on in my life that's triggered the moods (mainly because I'm afraid in case anyone finds out who I am!).!

google evidence-based treatments for depression - that should give you a better idea of what you need. Generic counselling doesn't generally do it.

Overheal

Unreg_123 wrote: »

I could go on for days here ;-) But my feelings on myself aren't the issue here. The issue is some things that happened in the past that recently raised their not-so-lovely selves recently.

Its my own belief that violence is spurred on by hatred/frustration and that can be either violence against others or violence toward yourself: so I'd wager there has to be something you really hate about yourself or something that frustrates you about yourself, to cut.

Moss

Unreg_123 wrote: »

I could go on for days here ;-) But my feelings on myself aren't the issue here. The issue is some things that happened in the past that recently raised their not-so-lovely selves recently.



On and off for 2 and a bit years. I didn't feel they were helping me so with the agreement of my counsellor and psychaitrist we decided that it would be best for me not to take them. I tried a variety or different meds, they all had horrible side effects with me.

I know it sounds stupid but I don't even feel like a) I need to talk or b) that i'll be able to talk. But I know I need help because I can't go on like this.

I find it very hard to believe that your psychiatrist would agree that you should give up on medication, especially given the symptoms you have described. What medications did you try and what were the side effects? Most of the modern medications have minimal side effects that wear off in a few weeks.

Have you tried lamictal? Its an anticonvulsant mood stabiliser that works very well for depression without inducing an elation. Practically no side effects with it. Have you tried lithium or the MAOIs?

If your mood is fluctuating up and down you could have some form of bipolar disorder. You might think your problems are caused by some past event but I think its highly unlikely. You need to make contact with your psychiatrist.

Overheal wrote: »

Its my own belief that violence is spurred on by hatred/frustration and that can be either violence against others or violence toward yourself: so I'd wager there has to be something you really hate about yourself or something that frustrates you about yourself, to cut.

Overheal, I think your wrong again here. Generally people who self harm have a depressive mood disorder which has a very significant endogenous biochemical component. You could spend forever talking about 'why do you hate yourself?' etc but you aren't going to get anywhere. The OP needs medication.

Overheal

I'm in firm in my beliefs on brain chemistry, mood and medication; so I'll agree to disagree.

The Black Oil

I don't think a psychiatric appointment will help all that much and I certainly don't think it should be your first port of call. Have you ever seen a psychologist or someone who has experience of working with people who self-injure?

NSHN have a discussion forum that you might find useful http://www.nshn.co.uk/forum/index.php

and there's also a distractions list, may not work for everyone but worth a look http://www.nshn.co.uk/upload/Distractions.pdf

OP, do you exercise much? I know it can be hard to fit it in during the final year of college and I know I feel I've to be at my desk/in the library a lot but it's always worth squeezing some exercise in. I swim a couple of times a week, I know this can be difficult with scars but once you're in the water nobody notices and if there's cubicles in the changing rooms it can be OK.

Have you had much look in working out what the triggers are for cutting? If you can figure these out it might help you to cut less often, I think this is more important and potentially more useful than medication. Self-injury is complex so I think less assumptions and generalisations about those doing it having some sort of depressive disorder is going to be supportive.

Good luck, OP.

estar

although it might seem you have done everything

and nothing has worked, sometimes it takes a good few shots
to learn how to deal with yourself.

everyone has potential, as well as potential to not to achieve their
potential.

some people are more complicated than others. its important to remember
that your path is not going to be the same as other people. that means
you may have counselling for years. forever. as long as it means you
are happier and contributing positively to the world every day - who cares?

if i were you I would work on accepting the need for help daily
and that you are yourself, and not perfect. the process you are
undergoing is not about fixing you, its about teaching you how
to live peacefully with yourself.

cutting - cutting obviously serves an emotional function in your life
that you havent adequately learned to service any other way, so
under times of stress you return to ground zero.

i wonder have you found the right therapist, someone who
treats the behaviour and emotions around the act of cutting,
and gives you skills on how to divert yourself from the act,
as well as encouraging you to talk generally.

this type of therapy is known as CBT - and works well with
bulimia and cutting.

dont give up on the process. its a marathon not a sprint
and the one good thing about getting to the other side
is the wisdom you acquire along the way.

good luck.

Marksie

Unreg_123 wrote: »

I could go on for days here ;-) But my feelings on myself aren't the issue here. The issue is some things that happened in the past that recently raised their not-so-lovely selves recently.

Are these the root causes then?

Counselling or cognitive behaviour therapy may be the way to go in looking at the cause.

Moss

If you see a psychiatrist you are more likely to get a referral to see a psychologist. Its very hard to get to see one otherwise.

The Black Oil wrote: »

I don't think a psychiatric appointment will help all that much and I certainly don't think it should be your first port of call. Have you ever seen a psychologist or someone who has experience of working with people who self-injure?

NSHN have a discussion forum that you might find useful http://www.nshn.co.uk/forum/index.php

and there's also a distractions list, may not work for everyone but worth a look http://www.nshn.co.uk/upload/Distractions.pdf

OP, do you exercise much? I know it can be hard to fit it in during the final year of college and I know I feel I've to be at my desk/in the library a lot but it's always worth squeezing some exercise in. I swim a couple of times a week, I know this can be difficult with scars but once you're in the water nobody notices and if there's cubicles in the changing rooms it can be OK.

Have you had much look in working out what the triggers are for cutting? If you can figure these out it might help you to cut less often, I think this is more important and potentially more useful than medication. Self-injury is complex so I think less assumptions and generalisations about those doing it having some sort of depressive disorder is going to be supportive.

Good luck, OP.

Exercise is good for everyone but it is at best only a short term distraction from these kinds of problems.

Second of all, I didn't say the OP's problems weren't complex. Depressive mood disorders are very complex. The best treatment is a combination of medication and CBT. Thats what any psychiatrist will recommend as it gives the patient the best chance of recovery.

The Black Oil

Perhaps the counsellors in the OP's college health centre/counselling service are psychologists.

I think it's generally accepted that regular exercise that is more effective for mild depression than most anti-depressants but I won't say any more as that may drifting towards medical advice which none of us can give. I can only draw on my own experience of similar issues.

Moss

The Black Oil wrote: »

Perhaps the counsellors in the OP's college health centre/counselling service are psychologists.

I think it's generally accepted that regular exercise that is more effective for mild depression than most anti-depressants but I won't say any more as that may drifting towards medical advice which none of us can give. I can only draw on my own experience of similar issues.

The Counsellors in the College may or may not be psychologists, the OP should check this out.

It is clear from the OP's original message that he is not suffering from mild depression.

LegacyUser

Hey again,

Sorry I took a long time to respond, had a bit of a rough weekend and was gathering my thoughts before I posted.

I've got lots of distractions however some people feel that my distractions are childish and don't support them, mainly my family who feel that its wrong for a 21 year old to colour in... I find it helps though, so I keep doing it. I've other distractions too, some music but I need to be very careful with what tunes I choose. Thankfully I've gotten away from the place where I need other people for distraction, at one stage I needed someone to sit with me/talk to me on the phone and distract me but I'm okay with that for the minute.

I lay in bed last night and hurt myself a little. I was too tired to colour and couldn't find any music to cheer me up. And tonight after dinner I had an argument with the family and went straight upstairs and cut. I'm seeing the counsellor again next week, but she already knows whats going on and all of my reasons for it so she knows the feeling etc that I get from it.

With regards to exercise I don't get as much as I could. I often go for walks at lunchtime to clear my mind, and try to make training in the evenings, matches at the weekends and then if I have time for the gym or a swim I will, but final year is very time consuming and college has to come first. Its only a few more weeks.

I know myself what the triggers are (would rather not mention them here but what has caused the current bout is a horrible reminder of something bad that happened when I was younger) so I try to avoid them but you know yourself, life has a nasty way of sneaking up on you when you least expect it.

As I'm a student (and poor) I'm stuck with the college services at present, which is a limited pyschiatric service (which I don't feel I benefit from) and a counselling service. My counsellor is great and understands completely where I'm coming from with my feelings and why I do it.

I don't feel like I'm suffering from depression, sure sometimes I barely feel like there's anything wrong with me. And like I previously mentioned, I have times of pure elation where nothing is wrong in the world, however the come-down from these can be disasterous and have resulted in me attempting to self harm in situations I wouldn't normally. Normally I only do it at home or in the car, but I have started to try do it in college now.

I'm hoping that when college finishes (thus ending pressure etc), all of my negative thoughts will disappear.

Moss

The surest way to recovery is to get proper treatment. Discuss your options with the psychiatrist.

The Black Oil

Good to hear from you. If colouring works then go for it. Could you make a CD mix or playlist of songs that you find 'safe'? Glad to hear your counsellor is supportive. Is trying to harm in college related to the stress from it or something else/general stress levels?

Make sure you reward yourself and go to the cinema or something like that, even if it's against yourself instinct to have your head in the books it's good to switch off from college work and it gets you out of the house too.

Keep an eye on your food intake and sleep patterns in the coming weeks too.

supergirl2

Hi,
My heart goes out to you, it must be so hard climbing that mountain and sliding back down it again when you reach the top.
Just a suggestion after seeing Sinead O'Conner on Opra one day, could you be suffering from a touch of Bi-Poloar??
Good luck & i hope you get back on ur feet asap!