Age gap - what is too much??

LegacyUser

Hey all, going unreg for this one! Met a really nice fella a few months back, we have begun to spend time together (through work) and think I am falling for him. Only issue is he is just gone 21 and I am just gone 26. Now I think there is something between us sometimes its almost unbearable the tension between us, we often catch eyes for ages, having lunch together etc etc. and its kinda hard coz I do like him and then I think the age gap is too much and start trying to distance myself from the situation. He is extremely thoughtful and friendly, and I find myself thinkin about him when he is not in work, and missing him. We have lots in common, we make each other laugh alot too, which for me is one of the main things I like in a fella.

I guess I have really only highlighted here to you and to myself that I do like him, but its the age gap - I cant bear it, in my head its telling me to not go there and it wont work etc. ( Having said that, he may not be interested in me as more than a friend! )

I am leaving work in 3 months, (work doesnt know yet! ) but have done interviews and tests for another place, which will have me moving away across the country. I dont want to wait til I am leaving to find out if we really do have something between us, but then I think its best coz of the age, and my moving away....
I dont know how he feels, Im terrified to find out as no matter the answer, I will not know what to do. If he does like me and something happens I am just not sure I can reconcile the age difference in my head, crazy as it sounds and as much as I like him! I think i need to be told its ok to have an age gap. I am sure if I was 32 and he was 27 I would have no issue, but now it just seems to far of a gap!

I think this is really confusing and Im not really getting to say what I am feeling as I get so confused! Apologies to those who read this far - cheers for reading it too.... any advice, negative or positive, would be appreciated. Thanks a mil

togster

No don't worry. Go and enjoy yourself

Nevyn

You are both adults and 5 years is not an age gap to be worried about.
Fortune favour the bold, the worse regrets are things you don't do.

ballooba

Divide by two and add seven is my formula. Mmmmm.... 19 year olds.

Overheal

Sure I'd date a 26 year old

Xavi6

ballooba wrote: »

Divide by two and add seven is my formula. Mmmmm.... 19 year olds.

Seven? Pah I heard 5

When you both hit your twenties age is merely a number so just go for it.

star-pants

As Xavi6 said - once you're into your twenties, age really doesn't matter too much. And if you guys get on very well as friends/have lots in common - the age gap doesn't affect it, then it shouldn't really affect a relationship if ye have the groundwork.
Thaed is right - if you don't try it - you might regret it

JDLK

Loads of people saying age gap doesnt matter and they're right but in your situation (ie you're not actually going out with him yet and starting a relationship may add stress to your career move) Id say why bother getting involved unless you just want a short term thing.

Ok he could be the love of your life worth risking your career for but its more likely he's just a horny 21 y/o up for a laugh

Dudess

OP, the gap is nothing. Go for it. I think what may be bothering you are two things: 1) The fact that he is so young, and 2) The fact that you're the older one, rather than it being the guy.
Sure, 21 is very young but he's obviously mature enough for you. But also, there isn't that much difference between 21-year-olds and 26-year-olds. In this case you should just follow your heart rather than your head. What do you risk by going for it? People thinking you shouldn't be together because of an age gap?

Nalz

JDLK wrote: »

Ok he could be the love of your life worth risking your career for but its more likely he's just a horny 21 y/o up for a laugh

eh no... just go for it either way. life too short and custard is too tasty

JDLK

Trilla wrote: »

eh no... just go for it either way. life too short and custard is too tasty

If its short term yes- but dont put your career on hold for anyone unless you're already in a serious long term relationship.

There's tasty custard all over the country you know

microgirl

Well, considering I'm 32, and currently angsting over whether or not I should score a 22 year old, and all of my friends are telling me to hop him, and this is someone I met once and barely know, I'd say you're fretting over nothing, honestly

And as one of my friends pointed out - he met his other half when he was 26 and she was 18; that was 11 years ago and they're now very happily married.

Another friend met her other half when he was 21 and she was nearly 30, and 6+ years later they can't imagine it any other way.

You're your own worst enemy in this

ashy28

Why are you wasting time over thinking it? If it feels good do it I say:D

My mum is 5 years older than my dad & they have been married for 25 years:)

John Mason

I am 5 years older then my OH - generally its fine except for some of his taste in music but i can cope with that

Lurvely

Go for it, age difference doesnt matter. My fella is 11 years older than me but it doenst worry us...take a chance & go for it!

Nalz

irishbird wrote: »

I am 5 years older then my OH - generally its fine except for some of his taste in music but i can cope with that

let me guess...bop bop bop bobby joe, manic 2000 and long way to tipperary knacka techno 2005 remix?

Lawless_Samurai

Wouldn't bother me anyway!!! I second what Xavi6 said.


I have a friend (20) who I recently found out likes another friend of mine (19) and is put off by the age difference!?! Sometimes I just don't know what goes through peoples heads

John Mason

Trilla wrote: »

let me guess...bop bop bop bobby joe, manic 2000 and long way to tipperary knacka techno 2005 remix?

exactly

seriously OP, Just do it, life is too short to care what other people think of you

WindSock

I know a 35 year old female with a 27 year old male. They have been mating sucessfully for over 3 years.

LegacyUser

Cheers everyone for the replies, I really appreciate it.
I dont intend on putting career on hold, I am moving, no matter what happens with him. Thats not to sound callous, but its something I know I have to do for me. And should anything happen, we can see if distance does make the heart grow fonder.
He has already said he wants to visit me when I go, and mentioned heading off to see somewhere together before I do. He could just be extremely friendly, and I am reading too much into it.

My friends have met him, those who know how I am feeling reckon I should just go for it. I guess its a ego thing too, if he says no, I will feel like a bigger fool having chased a kid and gotten refused... I am probably over analysing things, its something I have a tendency to do.

So, if I am to take all your much appreciated advice and go for it, my only worry now is how to broach it! Should I wait till we are out for a few drinks? Should I mention while sober??
I know we both discussed the saying 'what goes in sober comes out drunk' recently, regarding a friends situation, and I know I cant just brush this off as oh I was drunk haha I didnt mean it, if he was to turn me down!! He knows I dont really bullsh*t people and if I say it then its gonna be the truth no matter how drunk I am. But I will need dutch courage, I cant imagine sitting down at lunch one day saying 'hey I like you, how about it?'.

I feel like a kid again, haha, so the old saying is true- you are only as old as the person your feeling - in my case no feeling as occurred yet

god I am so confused, I am so grateful that so many of ye replied - I wish I could just decide off the cuff and go for it! I dont want to regret not saying something, but I dont want to regret saying something either - what if he is not interested at all, and I am reading things wrong and it ruins the friendship we have already built?

LegacyUser

Also, Duddess, you hit the nail on the head regarding me being the older one. I dont mind what my friends or family think as they only care that I am happy and being treated right, but I can only imagine his families reaction, as I am the same age as his only sister, and well if it was me and someone my age was seeing my little brother, I would probably be very wary... god I think too much sometimes !!!

Also I feel really old regarding my experience versus his, from what I know hes not had many serious relationships, and may even possibly be a virgin. That truly terrifies me! How can I go there??? ahhh

geminilady

id say if ur happy and he is happy and like u said he is a nice guy and everything that him being younger shouldnt really stop u. Good luck! and keep us posted! : )

jdivision

Here we go again. No there's nothing wrong with it. Go for it.

killeoin

ballooba wrote: »

Divide by two and add seven is my formula. Mmmmm.... 19 year olds.

Thats only for men....
Women need to multiply by 2 and take 7 away.....

And OP, there is nothing wrong with it unless you suspect that it might develop into something serious. Just think ahead 5 years....You're 31 and hes 26...Your biological clock will be ticking, want to settle down, have kids etc....He may just be too young for that...

John Mason

killeoin wrote: »

Thats only for men....
Women need to multiply by 2 and take 7 away.....

And OP, there is nothing wrong with it unless you suspect that it might develop into something serious. Just think ahead 5 years....You're 31 and hes 26...Your biological clock will be ticking, want to settle down, have kids etc....He may just be too young for that...

well, i am 33 and my OH 28, my clock isnt ticking and i am sure his isnt either. Dont worry about it

killeoin

killeoin wrote: »

Thats only for men....
Women need to multiply by 2 and take 7 away.....

No it's divide by 6 and then multiply by 3 and add 14 whilst turning round in a circle three times reciting Cathal O searcaigh's poetry.










Sarcasm aside-I never apply numerical formula's to relationships,because frankly I may aswell do the above same difference- it's just ridiculous

Op you'll either get on with him or you won't-so go for it.
Trial and error thats the only formula to use.

starlight07

Trilla wrote: »

life too short and custard is too tasty

lol thats a gud 'un!! Custard is too tasty.

Before ye make a move you would need to think about how you feel about the distance thing if you are moving across the country. But you would have to think about that regardless of his age, as far as I can see ye shouldnt let it hold you back, at least he's in his 20's. If you both get on well and enjoy each others company go for it.

Cost Boy!!

I wouldn't worry about the age gap as age is just a number. I have been going out with my boyfriend who is 30 for nearly two years now and im 18.

Dudess

killeoin wrote: »

Thats only for men....
Women need to multiply by 2 and take 7 away

Yes, women "need to" because we "little", "inferior" beings weren't designed to go out with men who are younger than us, hence that's the only way we can apply that particular "rule".

OP, please ignore any sh1t about the "half your age plus seven"/"twice your age minus seven" "rules". Those "rules" are such a load of cock I can't actually articulate it, yet people still, bafflingly, buy into them.

Just go for it. When it comes to matters of the heart, you shouldn't be fazed by any insignificant "pitfalls" - not that I can think of any in your particular situation. I once fell hook, line and sinker for a guy who's 19 years older than me. He had feelings for me too, but didn't want to take things any further because he felt weird about being with someone so much younger than him (I was 26, he was 45 but to be fair, looked/acted about 37/38). I was gutted. To me it shouldn't have mattered. If you want to be together, be together, but he didn't see things that way.

So just follow the old ticker and best of luck with it. He sounds great!
Edit: I've just seen the following now:

agegapconfusion wrote: »

but I can only imagine his families reaction, as I am the same age as his only sister, and well if it was me and someone my age was seeing my little brother, I would probably be very wary... god I think too much sometimes !!!

Yeah, what would you imagine her being capable of doing to him?! Look, he may only be 21 but he's not a baby either. And "older" doesn't necessarily mean capable of "corrupting"!

Also I feel really old regarding my experience versus his, from what I know hes not had many serious relationships, and may even possibly be a virgin. That truly terrifies me!

Again, you're worrying and tormenting yourself over absolutely nothing. A person's age isn't always an accurate reflection of their sexual experience. Anyway, if the two of you have a good chemistry going on with each other, experience is irrelevant. All that matters is how the two of you click. Think about it: what does it matter if he's less sexually experienced than you? All I know is that he's likely to be one happy boy about it, but other than that I really can't see a potential problem!
Why would you be terrified about him being a virgin? Because if he is a virgin, then that will make two of you terrified! He shouldn't be, but you know yourself, all those pressures and expectations. But there's also the major possibility that he isn't a virgin, so just relax, go with the flow and if it's leading somewhere then enjoy!

Fad

to be honest id say once you get out of second level education age gaps are immaterial,

if you think the connection is there go for it

SarahSassy

JDLK wrote: »

Loads of people saying age gap doesnt matter and they're right but in your situation (ie you're not actually going out with him yet and starting a relationship may add stress to your career move) Id say why bother getting involved unless you just want a short term thing.

+1

You dont know how he feels and you are better making the career move with a clear head and heart...

I would say just to leave it. If he was interested there is a good chance he would have let you know by now....

microgirl

SarahSassy wrote: »

+1

You dont know how he feels and you are better making the career move with a clear head and heart...

I would say just to leave it. If he was interested there is a good chance he would have let you know by now....

Or, y'know, he could be letting her know on a daily basis by sitting with her at lunch, making eye-contact, talking about visiting her when she moves away and even about GOING AWAY SOMEWHERE TOGETHER before she leaves? Come on, chances are he's interested.

OP - I think you should say something, and I think - no, I very strongly suggest - it be sober, or after one small drink at the most. Just ask him to the cinema or something. Some sort of non-work-related thing.

Depending on how that goes, take it from there.

RedXIV

go for it, go for it, go for it!
This is a no brainer! if the guy has given you eye signals etc, he's interested!

If you want to broach this sober then i advise following microgirl's advice, the cinema is always a good choice. If you reckon you need dutch courage, arrange to meet him out, meet sober first and then make a move. from my reading here, it'll be warmly welcomed!

LegacyUser

Thanks to everyone for their replies, I really appreciate it that ye made the effort to reply to me....

So things are still the same today haha not that I was gonna act so quickly. We had a conversation about tv personalities earlier on break, and some actors were mentioned, and I said I thought they were attractive, and he turns and asked me if I fancy anybody that looks normal, and is not strange, personality and lookswise... The girls I work with were talking to me after this happened and they reckon he doesnt like the fact I fancy people who are not the norm. Now I dont know if thats why he reacted the way he did, but god I am confused. He genuinely is a lovely fella, and he even has a little pet name for me, which is so sweet, however at times I think he does act immature. Then my feelings are in conflict straight away.

Dudess, your advice is everything I would tell someone else in the situation, and its a case of I can give it but I cant take it with advice here. But seriously, kudos to you, as a regular poster I have always thought you give great grounded advice and are so nice in how you deliver your advice. I kinda guessed if you read this, you may have words of wisdom.

I desperately want to know if there is anything there between us, but then I think god, maybe advice like Sarahsassy said, to leave it, makes alot of sense too. All of ye have really given me something to think about!

As for the two of us clicking, I havent really seen him with any people outside of work, to know if he acts the same with all girls he is friends with... I mean he could just be a very nice lad, and I am reading too much into this! Gahhh my head and heart is wrecked.
We are heading out on a work night some time next week, and well alot of the people there will be my age. So I guess I will see how he is on a night out, how he reacts in a different environment??

Right this is a long enough essay cheers again 4 all the great advice, will see if anything progresses, and will keep ye updated too.

LegacyUser

Go for it!

Last year I was 27 and working with a 20 year old. Had the hots for him for months but didn't do anything til he was finishing up, coz like you was afraid of making a tit of myself throwing myself at the young guy.

Went for it in the end and it was the best thing I ever did but kick myself whenever I think of the wasted time. Doing horrible long distance thing now. Pah.

Get in there and you could be having fun fun fun for the next 3 months!

P.S. Try texting - it worked for me

P.P.S. Younger guys, stamina, wow.

Dudess

agegapconfusion wrote: »

Dudess, your advice is everything I would tell someone else in the situation, and its a case of I can give it but I cant take it with advice here.

Oh I'm unreal for that - I think we all are as we're probably more critical and doubtful of ourselves, whereas looking in from the outside it's easier to see the bigger picture and be more objective - and logical, practical, sensible etc... :rolleyes: (I sound like that Supertramp song! )

But seriously, kudos to you, as a regular poster I have always thought you give great grounded advice and are so nice in how you deliver your advice. I kinda guessed if you read this, you may have words of wisdom.

Aw cheers! Thanks a mil. Best of luck with it anyway. Hope things work out for you two!

timetogetfit

I wouldn't worry about the age gap as age is just a number. I have been going out with my boyfriend who is 30 for nearly two years now and im 18

So at 16 you were dating a 28 year old man

That is not only weird ,its illegal.

he should be locked up

Cost Boy!!

timetogetfit wrote: »

So at 16 you were dating a 28 year old man

That is not only weird ,its illegal.

he should be locked up

Get over yourself, for me age is only a number not an issue, who are you to judge people and how they feel.

YogiBear

My brother's wife is 41 and he is 32!! They're expecting their second baby in August! Madly in love.
I'm 31 (female).. I wouldn't go out with someone from work because I'd prefer to have some privacy but going out with someone aged 26 as long as he was mature enough.. if you like him, go for it!

timetogetfit

Get over yourself, for me age is only a number not an issue, who are you to judge people and how they feel.

who am i? who are most any other respectable person who would agree with me?So when does age become an issue? I suppose we should set all the paedos in jail free so? the laws there for a reason man.a 16 year old person is very open to manipulation by a 28 year old, don't let your ignorance fool you

Cost Boy!!

what is it to you anyhow its not an issue with anyone I know, thank god I dont have judgmental people in my life like you, the only ignorance here is coming from you.

Dudess

timetogetfit wrote: »

who am i? who are most any other respectable person who would agree with me?So when does age become an issue? I suppose we should set all the paedos in jail free so? the laws there for a reason man.a 16 year old person is very open to manipulation by a 28 year old, don't let your ignorance fool you

Oh my god, are you for real?! I don't have time for grown men using young girls as a bit of fresh meat to boast about to their mates, but this girl and her boyfriend are together nearly two years so obviously he respects her and sees her as a tad more than a boost to his ego! You can't help who you fall in love with. And maybe she was exceptionally mature for her age when she met him? I've no doubt she is very mature, otherwise he'd have lost interest long ago. And maybe she wasn't far off 17?
And maybe, just maybe, she wants to be with him...? I was only attracted to older guys when I was her age too.