Passage from a novel i am writing...

Wise-one

Hello everyone....i am writing a book at the moment and i am currently stuggling (half way through ) wondering if maybe you could read this random passage from it and tell me whether or not it would compel you to read more......


It was a further month or so until I saw Seamus again. I saw him in his garden, delighted at a chance to speak to him I ran over.
“Hi!” I puffed enthusiastically. He was raking the leaves in his front garden. Already he had filled two large black sacks. His worried looking face softened when he saw me. “Hi Lilly!”
I decided to say something I had been working up the courage to do “Wanna come over to my house? I asked brazenly " we got a new TV and its got colour and everything!...and if you don’t wanna do that we can colour-my sister has a big crayon set with all the colours you can imagine-magenta and lilac and peach and scarlet and ruby and turquoise and fawn"-I gushed, but before I could finish he sighed “I can’t…”
Looking genuinely disappointed he said “I hafta rake up all of these leaves before my mother gets home “Otherwise there’ll be trouble”.
Can’t you do it another day?” I enquired innocently. “Nope” Hafta do it now, and she’ll be back in an hour or so, and I still have to the whole lawn” I scanned the lawn which was still covered in golden crisp leaves that had fallen from the large Yew Tree. He grew hysterical “I’ll never get it finished, how could I!?” “I’m so hungry, and if I don’t get it finished she’ll….”he trailed off looking mortified at his outbreak.

He plopped down on the ground miserably. Although it was one of the coldest days of the winter so far Seamus was wearing a thin cotton jumper and scruffy jeans. I was wrapped up in about eight layers, wearing what may as well have been a lagging jacket it was so thick. I kneeled down beside him. We were in the middle of a pile of leaves. Feeling slightly awkward I didn’t know whether to change the subject or even give Seamus a hug maybe… We sat there for two or three minutes in silence- apart from the occasional sniff from Seamus. Suddenly I picked up a big handful of leaves and his eyes drifted from the ground to me.
Without hesitation I threw the leaves in his face laughing at his momentary shock. He looked as if he might cry but seeing me in fits of giggles he too exploded into laughter. He picked up a handful of leaves with two hands and threw them over my head, trying to get some down my back.
Soon, we were sprinting around the garden squealing with fright and chasing each other. After about 10 minutes we grew tired and fell to the ground. Lying there on the cold grass we were both still giggling, with leaves tangled in our hair, our noses and cheeks red from the sheer cold.


Seamus suddenly sat up “The leaves!” “I have to finish them.” He rose to his feet and started scrambling around picking up handfuls of leaves and shoving them into a big black sack. I got to my feet and without a word began to pick up the leaves and put them in a bag.
We worked like that-bending down, picking up leaves and putting them into bags in complete silence for the next thirty five minutes until there wasn’t a stem of a leaf left on the lawn. Our backs were aching, our noses were running, our hands were scraped and chaffed, but I think we both felt a sense of triumph when we looked around at the spotless lawn. I was happy because I’d finally managed to befriend Seamus. He was happy because he had beaten his mother….


When we had lined all the bags at the gate to be collected by the garbage men Seamus spoke finally -“Thanks Lilly”. That was all that needed to be said; I could see the gratitude in his eyes. I nodded nonchalantly secretly delighted, and with that I trotted back over to my house knowing that Seamus was looking after me as I left.
As I stood on my porch waiting patiently for someone to open the door. I looked over my shoulder and Seamus was still standing at his gate looking in my direction. In my whole life I will never forget the image I saw-his hair blowing in the harsh breeze, his eyes and nose watering from the cold, leaves still stuck in his hair, standing beside the ancient and bare tree that had caused so much work, wearing his ragged clothes-and the widest smile on God’s earth.

(i have this copywrited by the way )

XJR

I decided to say something I had been working up the courage to do “Wanna come over to my house? I asked brazenly "

Reads badly and inverted commas in the wrong place

we got a new TV and its got colour and everything!...and if you don’t wanna do that we can colour-my sister has a big crayon set with all the colours you can imagine-magenta and lilac and peach and scarlet and ruby and turquoise and fawn"-I gushed, but before I could finish he sighed “I can’t…”
too many ands also are you suggesting that you want to colour your sister


Looking genuinely disappointed he said “I hafta rake up all of these leaves before my mother gets home “Otherwise there’ll be trouble”.
Should there be a comma after home ?

Can’t you do it another day?” I enquired innocently. “Nope” Hafta do it now, and she’ll be back in an hour or so, and I still have to the whole lawn”
Full stop after lawn?

I scanned the lawn which was still covered in golden crisp leaves that had fallen from the large Yew Tree. He grew hysterical “I’ll never get it finished, how could I!?”
Why use !? its either a question or an exclamation.

To be honest I wouldn't be inclined to go any further. I think that grammatically it's poor and the story doesn't grab me. Maybe others feel differently.

That said keep at it practice makes . . . .

hypercrawl

Wise-one wrote: »

Hello everyone....i am writing a book at the moment and i am currently stuggling (half way through ) wondering if maybe you could read this random passage from it and tell me whether or not it would compel you to read more......


It was a further month or so until I saw Seamus again[Too many words. What is 'further' doing? why not write 'It was a month until I saw Seamus again'?] and so on.

OctavarIan

Your punctuation is terrible. I hate to be harsh but it is a basic thing. Learn how to use punctuation and put sentences in paper. A writer could have the best story ever conceived, but with bad punctuation no-one will ever read it.

Also your sentence structure could use some work. There are a lot of sentences which don't read well. Take the second one for example.

"I saw him in his garden, delighted at a chance to speak to him I ran over."

This would read better as "I saw him in his garden and ran over, delighted at a chance to speak to him."

Also there seems to be a lot of excessive word padding in places as well.

"..until there wasn’t a stem of a leaf left on the lawn"

"on the lawn" is not needed, we know where they were raking the leaves. This fragment can be written as "..until not even a leaf stem remained".

Small things like these are what seperate the good from the bad. Obviously you will be changing things in further drafts, but nevertheless these sort of things should be in your head all the time. Punctuation especially is something basic that every writer has to have. I wouldn't be compelled to read any more because of this.

greatscott

I wouldn't worry about 'too many ands' or 'should there be a comma here' - Cormac McCarthy, Hemmingway, and Joyce all use this style, especially in dialogue... but there are a couple of places where you don't close quotation marks correctly, which is not justifiable and makes it confusing to read.


I wouldn't agree with 'leaf on the lawn' criticism either... it's a novel, not a newspaper report, just because we don't 'need' words doesn't mean they shouldn't be included.

Its a good scene, but i would agree that a lot of your sentences could be structured better, and your word choice is (to my ear) a little off in some places...what authors do you admire?

elleA

Hmm..it definitely needs a little editing but I really like it. I'm intrigued to read more. It kept my attention the whole way through and you painted the scene in my mind. The only thing that is putting me off a little is that the characters seem very young yet I get the impression from reading it that they're possible love interests ?
Good luck with finishing your book

summer_ina_bowl

hey wise-one, i like it, aside from the odd mistake, it seems like a good story! content wise though, yew trees have needles like a christmas tree not golden crisp leaves, thats just a little thing though! remember, anyone can study grammar, but you can't just learn how to be a storyteller in old times, all of the reknowned bards told fantastic stories but very few could read or write. if you have a story to tell, tell it and worry about the grammar later.

seahorse

Hi Wise-one. It's just a suggestion, but I think, if you want feedback on whether some part of a story would induce anyone to read on, you should always give them the first page or first couple pages to read. After all, a publisher/reader will not open the book in the middle or one third of the way through, so you will not get realistic feedback on how well you've built anticipation by posting a random passage, as you have done here.

It is not in the middle of a book you most need to compel a reader to read on; of course you need to keep it lively and interesting all the way through, but it is in the opening lines of a book a reader needs to have their attention arrested.

As to the writing itself; I'm sorry and I don't mean to sound harsh or hurtful, but I think it needs a lot of work.

Blush_01

greatscott wrote: »

I wouldn't worry about 'too many ands' or 'should there be a comma here' - Cormac McCarthy, Hemmingway, and Joyce all use this style, especially in dialogue... but there are a couple of places where you don't close quotation marks correctly, which is not justifiable and makes it confusing to read.

Its a good scene, but i would agree that a lot of your sentences could be structured better, and your word choice is (to my ear) a little off in some places...what authors do you admire?

I agree with a lot of this!

The 'too many ands' section, to my mind, implied childish exuberance. There's nothing wrong with that, but be careful about how the whole concept sounds when read aloud. Reading aloud is invaluable. Also, if you use 'hafta' for Seamus once, use it throughout - consistency is key.

If this is just a first draft, then there's lots of potential for you to edit it, to make it more polished and a more consistent read. But the concept is pretty good so far, and if there had been more I'd have read on. You do need to do a lot of work to it, but, that said, you have something to work with. That's a lot more than most people! Be proud of what you have - just don't be afraid to cut and slice it repeatedly and make it the best that it can be.

Best of luck!

Wise-one

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(thanks for the advice people)