It's the best thing you have ever had, the best thing you have had is gone away

LegacyUser

After the worlds greatest disaster of a relationship, I met this amazing, incredible guy a year after I split with the psychopath disaster guy.

Everything moved really really quickly, he asked me to be his girlfriend the 4th time we saw each other and told me he loved me before we even reached a month. Don't get me wrong, as rushed as it was, it was so natural. I fell madly in love with him, and he, the same. We were 'loves young dream' and all that jazz.

Things were incredible for the first few months but for work reasons, things happened and we couldn't see each other as regularly as we did. We started to argue out of frustration and he tended to break up with me quite a bit, only to come back the next day or a few hours later to say he didn't mean it. That was fine I didn't hold on to the fact that he threw the words 'I wanna break up' around so loosely.

2 weeks ago, we'd been together 7 months at that stage, we had a fight and I told him I couldn't be with someone who treated me this way (stubborn, not telling me things, taking things out on me etc etc) again, he said 'Yeah you don't deserve this, we should break up' Tbh, after he had said it so many times, I didn't take it seriously. I expected us to get back together over the next few days. And well, I wouldn't be writing this if I had my boyfriend back. I'm broken hearted, I can't think about him without crying. I can't talk about him or it or I break into tears. I've never felt such heart ache.

I'm 20 but I've had a 5 year relationship and I wasn't as cut up, not even nearly as much as I am right now. So please, please don't put this down to inexperience.

To add to things, I'm beginning to realise that the people I thought were my friends, that I thought I could rely on are no where to be found when I need a shoulder to cry on. I'm trying to get out of the house, because lying in bed all I'm doing is thinking of him. Watching TV I'm thinking of when we lay on the couch watching TV together. Listening to music, all the lyrics remind me of him. I know it sounds pathetic, I'm looking at myself thinking how pathetic I am. But I just feel so lonely and so lost. I have no one to turn to and I've lost my best friend and my boy friend in one.

I have no motivation to do anything because I'm trying to think of some magical speech to make him realise how much I love him. He's been through a lot of ****ty relationships, and in all honesty, I'm the first girlfriend he's had who has no ulterior motive.

I don't know what I'm looking for here. I know exactly the replies I'm gonna get, move on you're only 20 but I can't. I have no one. If I could lie down and die I'd do it in a second. I really and truly do not want to wake up tomorrow.

I'm not an unrealistic person, nor am I an optimist, but I genuinely believe he doesn't want this to end. I can see it in him, that there's still something there. And a mutual friend who knows us both and who has known him for years agrees, he is either freaking out because he doesn't know what to do when he has what's good for him. Or B, someone is in his ear telling him not to keep going with me. Likely people are either his folks (mothers defending their sons till the end) or his slut of an ex girlfriend who has been waiting to get her claws back into him.

I need to do something, I can't give up on someone I love more than anything so easily. Any advice is hugely appreciated!

Miss Fluff

Try writing him a letter and if he doesn't respond move on.

john_aero

is he ready for sommitment yet you think? miss fluffy has a good idea, wright letter and send it to him

Mazeire

What the fluffy lady said. Though what you need to do is stop living your life through men and build one for yourself. Figure out what you do and don't like and what you want to do.

LadyJ

Miss Fluff is spot on. Letters can be incredibly effective. They work wonders with people who are stubborn as well. Helps them reflect. No one can ignore a letter. If it's addressed to you, you will read it. It's too tempting not to.

Used to always work with my ex. We had a very volatile relationship and the only way I could get him to cop on after a stupid fight was to write him a letter. It always helped him see how foolish the whole thing was. And tbh, if it worked with him, it'll work with anyone!

Good luck.

cson

+1 to all above. A letter is very personal, it's a good way to 'talk' in times of trouble.

Kudos to the Radiohead reference too. Love that song, High & Dry.

marthaclark

I agree with the letter.. you've nothing to lose do you? (I mean with regards to him)

And forgive me if I'm way out of line with this 'insight' ( i could be so wrong) but is it that you maybe.. neglected the 'emotional' side ('bondy' side) of your friendships while you were busy being love's young dream?

It's an easy thing to do, especially when you're young. Don't give up on the friendships.. to get emotional support you have to give. Few of us are lucky enough to get it unconditionally!!

Hope you're feeling better and the advice you're getting here is helping.

chuci

letters +1 if not call around to his and sort it out find out if its over or not once and for all.

Gyalist

Actually, I disagree with all the advice that you've been given so far. You've said that you are 20 and have been in relationships for almost 6 years? You need to be single for a while and discover that your happiness does not depend on your relationship status. Learn to develop a fulfilling life as a single person first.

In any case he has broken up with you and not been in any sort of contact for two weeks. How much clearer does the message have to be before you get it?

Marksie

BrokenGirl wrote: »

After the worlds greatest disaster of a relationship, I met this amazing, incredible guy a year after I split with the psychopath disaster guy.

BrokenGirl wrote: »

He's been through a lot of ****ty relationships, and in all honesty, I'm the first girlfriend he's had who has no ulterior motive.

Sounds like you both have "baggage" for want of a better term.

Coming from disastrous realtionships you have thrown yourselves into this one with complete gusto.

But at 20, this does not make you experiened at realtionships or how to handle them.

When life has intruded you havent been able to step back and allow the change in it to happen.

Neither are you both open to the way that one must accept the others behaviour and slowly try to overcome it.
His may be the default option of closing down when faced with difficulties based on his past. Yours in the way your past relationship developed.

You both need to realsie that this should and can be overcome.

Take time out, and suggest he does the same, to lok at where thinsg went wrong and where they could ahve gione differently if handled differently.

Both of you are still looking at what you have previously experienced and have brought it into this realtionship, whether you realise it or not.

John Mason

Gyalist wrote: »

Actually, I disagree with all the advice that you've been given so far. You've said that you are 20 and have been in relationships for almost 6 years? You need to be single for a while and discover that your happiness does not depend on your relationship status. Learn to develop a fulfilling life as a single person first.

In any case he has broken up with you and not been in any sort of contact for two weeks. How much clearer does the message have to be before you get it?

Best advice. you are far too young to be in this amount of long term relationships. Do NOT write him a letter. Do NOT contact him for at least a month. You hassling him at this stage is just going to make him thankful he dump you. You need to give him some space to sort his head out.

Wait a month, send him a text and see if he responds. if he doesnt forget about him and move on. Dont turn into the mental ex girlfriend who doesnt get the hint

Overheal

Miss Fluff wrote: »

Try writing him a letter and if he doesn't respond move on.

this is a terrible idea.

You see how im typing in red here?

Yeah.

Its a terrible idea.

Letters never, ever have the effect you want them to, no matter how hard you try. I know I've suggested it in the past but then put into practice.. haha, no. These will work to your detriment every time.

Gyalost wrote:

I disagree with all the advice that you've been given so far. You've said that you are 20 and have been in relationships for almost 6 years? You need to be single for a while and discover that your happiness does not depend on your relationship status. Learn to develop a fulfilling life as a single person first.

Best advice so far. Where in 6 years have you learned to become a emotionally free-standing individual?

Mr. Incognito

Firstly, turn off Radiohead and put on something more cheerfull. Go for a walk. Sheesh.

I would just chill out and take some time out. You seem to be defining yourself by your relationship. You are 20 years old ffs. Go live a little.

You'll look back at this in a year and wonder what all the fuss was about.

LegacyUser

I appreciate all replies, but I think towards the end, you folks are completely misunderstanding what's going on.

Gyalist wrote: »

In any case he has broken up with you and not been in any sort of contact for two weeks. How much clearer does the message have to be before you get it?

NO! Firstly, I broke up with him. Secondly, I have been speaking to him constantly over the 2 weeks he's even called to see me twice because he 'missed' me.

SetantaL wrote:

turn off Radiohead and put on something more cheerfull. Go for a walk. Sheesh.

I would just chill out and take some time out. You seem to be defining yourself by your relationship. You are 20 years old ffs. Go live a little.

You'll look back at this in a year and wonder what all the fuss was about.

This, this is the patronising reply I was begging people not to write. Radiohead are my favorite band, I happen not to find them depressing. I go for an hour long walk every day to try and sort my f***ing head out. Your reading skills have done you proud, I am 20. And go live a little?! Please! I've lived plenty, I just enjoyed living with what I had.

Everyone from MissFluff to Chuci, thanks for the replies, they were a lot more understanding...

As for the rest of this post, hey what can I say, sorry for the angry rant.

Dragan

No offence, but your dream guy sounds like a drama queen who is not ready for a dynamic relationship in a complex situation.

Me thinks you need a bit more stick and a bit less carrot when dealing with him.

Gyalist

2 weeks ago, we'd been together 7 months at that stage, we had a fight and I told him I couldn't be with someone who treated me this way (stubborn, not telling me things, taking things out on me etc etc) again, he said 'Yeah you don't deserve this, we should break up' Tbh, after he had said it so many times, I didn't take it seriously.

Hmmm...

Anyway, posting on an open public forum means that you will get replies that you don't agree with. Just follow the advice of the posters most sympathetic to your point of view and see how that works out. After all, what do I know?

Overheal

BrokenGirl wrote: »

Everyone from MissFluff to Chuci, thanks for the replies, they were a lot more understanding...

As for the rest of this post, hey what can I say, sorry for the angry rant.

You came on to collect from a vast pool of opinion and experience; we don't guarantee anything if you don't consider all of the advice here. I stand by my original post 100%.

Marksie wrote:

Sounds like you both have "baggage" for want of a better term.

Coming from disastrous relationships you have thrown yourselves into this one with complete gusto.

But at 20, this does not make you experienced at relationships or how to handle them.

When life has intruded you haven't been able to step back and allow the change in it to happen.

Neither are you both open to the way that one must accept the others behaviour and slowly try to overcome it.
His may be the default option of closing down when faced with difficulties based on his past. Yours in the way your past relationship developed.

You both need to realise that this should and can be overcome.

Take time out, and suggest he does the same, to lok at where thinsg went wrong and where they could have gone differently if handled differently.

Both of you are still looking at what you have previously experienced and have brought it into this relationship, whether you realise it or not.

Also worth a re-read. Nobody is attacking you here, even if its things you don't want to hear. Marskie is bang on. How does anyone really know who they are and what they want in life if they never live for themselves for some length of time?

LegacyUser

No I completely agree with Marksie's post. Whether we meant to or not, we both expected this relationship to follow a similar path as our previous ones.

I expected him to get controlling and paranoid after a while. He expected me to **** him over or cheat on him. And tbh, I'm so used to my BF being paranoid that when he actually began to get paranoid, because of his own baggage, I was kinda like 'Hm, yeah, knew that would happen.'

So I'm not disagreeing with his post in any way. Except maybe the 'You're 20 what do you know about relatinships'

Marksie

Marksie wrote: »

But at 20, this does not make you experiened at realtionships or how to handle them.

BrokenGirl wrote: »

So I'm not disagreeing with his post in any way. Except maybe the 'You're 20 what do you know about relatinships'

Not what i said brokengirl.

missmatty

BrokenGirl wrote: »

Whether we meant to or not, we both expected this relationship to follow a similar path as our previous ones. I expected him to get controlling and paranoid after a while. He expected me to **** him over or cheat on him.

God that's just lovely. So both your experience of relationships has been a little messed up if this was what you were expecting to happen. Makes me really glad I'm single.

I'm not trying to be patronising either but I think some time on your own out of a relationship would be a really good idea. It's amazing how it helps you to grow.

Mazeire

BrokenGirl wrote: »

So I'm not disagreeing with his post in any way. Except maybe the 'You're 20 what do you know about relatinships'

No what people are trying to say is that, at 20, you know nothing but being in relationships, which is kind of scary. You have been single for approximately 2 months of your adult life. Thats just insane!

Wibbs

Hang on did the OP not say she had split up for a year from psycho guy?

Anyway. Him saying he loved you that quickly is a major warning sign. Major. Mature adults don't come out with that so early. People who do are looking for something they miss in themselves. People who do, will fall out of love just as quickly.

You could write the letter, but I'm not sure what good it would do you. He left and if he wanted back all he has to do is say it. That's it in a nutshell. Real simple. I suspect he has eased off you as quickly as he fell "in love" with you. He was caught up in the moment and the novelty. Now that has worn off(as it does) there's something missing for him. I could be wrong, but that's how I would see it.

As for your age, I know 40 yr olds who still have no clue about relationships and this is after 20 years of experience. Age is not always a good yardstick for brains or emotional maturity.

BrokenGirl

BrokenGirl wrote:

NO! Firstly, I broke up with him.

your first post says he broke up with you

Liam Byrne

Been on the receiving end of some of that, OP; tough one, since I'd still go back if I thought that she wanted it, but I'm not gonna stick my neck out coz I'm pretty sure that the "dive in fast = dive out just as fast" comment posted above is 100% true.....I got suckered (unfortunately) and it's in my own interest to move on; same applies to you.

LegacyUser

Annnnnnnd, we're back together.!

Thank you!

The Sweeper

That's all folks, until the next time you bandy around the "let's break up for a bit" routine.

estar

ever had - then i do think this is inexperience talking.

you have lost someone who

- rushes into things without thinking about them
- then considers the implications of his actions afterwards
- he also appears to be controlling - using lets break up as
a control every time you disagree with him - the minute you
give out about something you dont like - oh lets break up.

it all sounds a little immature. in my opinion although you might
think you know everything because you have had a 5 year
relationship, 20 is still 20. its not 25 or 30. i personally think
that it is a mistake to invest so much in long term relationships
when you are so young. at this time of your life you should
be out having fun with friends, investing time in your future career
and not investing everything you have in intense relationships
that you heedlessly jump into and treat as a cure all to lifes happiness.

take this opportunity to heal, re-discover yourself undefined by
another person, and grow up alone for a while.

at your age, your life should be so full of other distractions that
a breakup shouldnt have this devastating effect

i would also think that a year is not enough recovery time
after going with a psycho for 5 vulnerable years
during a time when you were forming your self image and
esteem - you need to explore why you went with a psycho
for 5 years, and how you can grow past it so you dont end
up doing it again, as you might have done here?

i think you are better off without this person, and should
write the letter others have advised but not send it.
for this person to act so immaturely and seek to control
you at this early stage of a relationship by threatening
over and over again to break it off does not bode well for
the future

dont hop into another relationship, take more time to
reflect on the past and get to know and like yourself
single first.


good luck

Overheal

BroknGirlNotNow wrote: »

Annnnnnnd, we're back together.!

Thank you!

see you in another 6 weeks so :pac:

Dizzyblonde

Overheal wrote: »

see you in another 6 weeks so :pac:

+1

Marksie

BroknGirlNotNow wrote: »

Annnnnnnd, we're back together.!

Thank you!

annnnnnnnnnd have you resloved your issues?..if not this is one more turn of the merry-go-round.

When the default behaviour options kick in again, this will happen again

Davei141

Classic drama queen.

MagicMarker

tbh, i never even read past the ''i'm 20'' part...

You should just stop with the men for now and learn to be on your own.

MissHoneyBun

MagicMarker wrote: »

tbh, i never even read past the ''i'm 20'' part...

Hey not fair at all. I'm sure you were 20 once too!

LegacyUser

Am did anyone not notice that the 'annnnnnd were back together' post is from 'brokengirlnotnow' and not the OP 'brokengirl'

Gordon

Presumably she feels like she isn't broken any more as the IP matches. Good sleuthing though!

af_thefragile

Aah Radiohead!
Aah life!!!

Things like this will happen. You'll learn a lot from life. Its just a process of life. You're gonna fall, you're gonna find yourself at the rock bottom, you'll hafta pick yourself up everytime and carry on with life.
One thing i learned was you've gotta make yourself strong enough to live by yourself. Cause a lot of times, all your friends, no one, will come to your help neither can you rely or count on anyone. Most of the times, most of your friends are just for the name sake. They're there cuz they need your, they're there cuz they're getting something out of you and they'll usually be gone when you'll feel their need.
So its really important to become strong and independent to save yourself some heartache.

And one thing i learned is that **** happens! and sometimes all you can do is suck it up and move on with your life! Pick up all the left over bits and pieces, build up someting new from there.


Sorry if my post felt unhelpful.
It was Radiohead that i felt i had to post something in here!

Good luck!

Xavi6

Little Miss Drama Queen now owes me the five minutes of my life I spent reading this thread. Her "we're back together" post did make me lol though.

Overheal

MissHoneyBun wrote: »

Hey not fair at all. I'm sure you were 20 once too!

I'm 20..

LegacyUser

Hey Broken Girl,

I just cannot get over the similarity's between your situation and where I was 6 months ago.

Same as you, had my heart trampled on, met a great guy, told me he loved me within days, it was all so perfect and from a week in to the relationship we had agreed it was forever, and both of us meant it at the time. I moved away with work, we suffered the same frustration as you guys, he broke up with me, then wanted to come back the next day - I let him. I moved home, and like you guys he just broke up with me whenever the mood took him - but he knew I loved him and would always be there. I felt ****e, like I meant nothing to him, like his doormat etc. It went on for 2.5 years, and i'm 26 now. The constant breaking up led to me being ridiculously insecure when we were together which meant i needed constant reassurance and the stress of it all led to us breaking up permanently 6 months ago.

Like you, I just believed on a deeper level he was my soulmate, but, i also wanted to stop feeling crap and moved on and i started to notice that he was the one who couldn't do no contact. He depended so much on me always being there to take him back that without that he lost his power....well i think he did....so, he still didn't want to get back together but insisted we stay friends - 6 months later we're going in to business together, we stopped sleeping together and (although i don't think hes realised yet) i really feel like i would much rather meet someone else, that get back with him, though he is a good friend.

I don't know if that helps or not, i just know exactly how you feel, but all that breaking up and getting back together is so draining, when you get dumped you feel like it's the worst thing in the world and crying helps so much but after a few weeks, hopefully, you'll be able to sit back and think - wow, i just don't have that stress anymore.

good luck

x