Advertisement
If you have a new account but are having problems posting or verifying your account, please email us on hello@boards.ie for help. Thanks :)
Hello all! Please ensure that you are posting a new thread or question in the appropriate forum. The Feedback forum is overwhelmed with questions that are having to be moved elsewhere. If you need help to verify your account contact hello@boards.ie
Hi there,
There is an issue with role permissions that is being worked on at the moment.
If you are having trouble with access or permissions on regional forums please post here to get access: https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058365403/you-do-not-have-permission-for-that#latest

untitled (for now)

  • 06-03-2008 9:03pm
    #1
    Insect Overlord
    Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 30,972 Mod ✭✭✭✭


    I make up patterns on the floorboards
    from my vantage point, my seat,
    Patterns of eyes and lines of grain
    that peer from the floor by a young girl's feet,
    I search for shapes that might make sense
    or form familiar patterns there,
    There on the ground on which we walk
    without a second thought or care,
    I seek some beauty or some peace,
    some clearing in a shadowed wood
    Where tangled branches cloud the light
    and blur the line between bad and good,

    I shield my eyes from dazzling glare
    that shines from intermittent beacons
    And turn away from those who may
    innocently draw me to temptation,
    I think, instead, of one who waits
    and wishes for my swift return,
    Her smiling face and open arms
    that make me wish I had not gone.
    I see her dancing in a hall,
    her perfect feet on a wooden floor,
    And smile to realise that she
    is my very own Conduiramour.


Comments

  • #2
    Insect Overlord
    Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 30,972 Mod ✭✭✭✭Insect Overlord


    I wrote this back in December having written nothing else of worth since June, so if anybody who reads this could offer some helpful critique (or even just a line of encouragement :) ) I'd be really grateful.


  • #3
    buck65
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,969 ✭✭✭buck65


    Lush, atmospheric, rustic.


  • #4
    Insect Overlord
    Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 30,972 Mod ✭✭✭✭Insect Overlord


    buck65 wrote: »
    Lush, atmospheric, rustic.

    Thanks for the reply Buck.


  • #5
    Insect Overlord
    Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 30,972 Mod ✭✭✭✭Insect Overlord


    An Fhile wrote: »
    I wrote this back in December having written nothing else of worth since June, so if anybody who reads this could offer some helpful critique (or even just a line of encouragement :) ) I'd be really grateful.

    Maybe I should've included something along the lines of "Anybody who wants to tear this poem to pieces can gladly do so too".
    I don't mean to appear self-obsessed or anything, I just thought I'd get more than 1 reply to the piece :(


  • #6
    6th
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 17,247 ✭✭✭✭6th


    I liked it on first read but its not the type of thing I would read a second time, I'm lazy that way.


  • Advertisement
  • #7
    elleA
    Closed Accounts Posts: 48 ✭elleA


    I really like the first verse.The imagery, rhyme and flow are excellent and there are some great lines in it.
    I like the way the message is continued in the second verse but I think the rhyme and flow falter a bit. Perhaps a re-write of the second verse would make the whole piece more striking and accessible.
    Thanks for sharing this...


Advertisement