In love with friend

LegacyUser

Hey guys,

I know people usually advise that this sort of thing go in the GLBT forum but I'd really appreciate a broader spectrum of opinion on this one. My life is an absolute mess and at the root of all of this is my feelings for my friend.

I'm a 19 year old guy, and I became mates with another lad in college. We both went out of our way to become friends. We share alot of similar interests, laugh together like I do with no-one else and just clicked straight away. We've only known each other about 3 months at this stage and we became pretty inseperable. He told me his problems and I told him mine. We literally had a really good friendship, or so it seemed.

However over the last week things have deteriorated rapidly. I have started to develop feelings for him that I havn't experienced with anyone before. I can't explain it. It seems the lines of friendship got blurred somewhere along the way. He has a girlfriend, who I barely know. We don't get along at the best times with each other as she sees me as a threat to their relationship. Not in a sexual/loving way, just that we go out and drink and socialise. There's been many a time when I've had to pretend not to be around when she calls etc. I havn't done or said anything to flame this situation, in fact I've talked through any problems he's had in his relationship. He does love her very much although at times he says he's unsure about her and thinks she's bad for him. In fact, he throws so many mixed signals about their relationship that I really don't know what to think anymore.

Anyway, long story short, Ive accepted that I feel this way about him. I have never had a relationship with a guy, or even fancied a guy before this and to be honest, Im a confident enough person to be able to deal with attraction to any sex. Im not looking for advice on my sexuality issue more the issue at hand namely the fact that I think I'm falling for a friend and what to do.

This week has been the pits. After a fight with his girlfriend he seems to have slowed contact with me. When we meet he seems off with me but won't say anything. He also promised to do something really really important for me, didn't and then didn't return any calls/texts. I feel so lost. I feel like our friendship has hit the rocks.

When we first met, I thought we'd be best friends. Now I feel I'm losing a person I am falling for and a good friend at the same time. Its clear to me that something has happened that Im not aware of. He clearly doesn't care about me in anyway shape or form by his behaviour this week and it has me stunned. I could accept someone treating me this way, I'd just cut contact too but up until this week, we had such a good vibe together. We really did. He told me I was the most amazing person he'd met, that I was stunning looking, that I was so popular and that he really admired me as a person. Now this week he does a 360 degree turn and is giving out the signals that he wouldn't care less if I fell off the face of the earth.

I feel suicidal. Its the most depressing thing thats ever happened to me. I don't know what to do. I honestly thought we'd be friends for life and now here I am on my own with no-one to turn to. I suppose I'm hoping for someone to advise me on what to do. I've researched how to commit suicide and while I know people will frown about it not being an option, when I go to sleep I dream of not waking up. I don't know how my life has gotten to this point. I have no job, no home(long story) and all the friends I do know are sick of my mood swings and how down I've been lately. I don't speak to my family and havn't for quite some time. It seems all this unrelated problems have all moulded together to create this one big mess. I have nowhere to go whatsoever and no-one to talk to.

I know suicide seems rash but I have so many problems that I can't face up to. I hate the thought of the next few weeks/months being like this. Nothing is going to change overnight. Unless I win the lotto to sort out my lack of job/place to stay woes and unless I come up with a magic spell to change someone heart I am screwed.

The worst part is that I still convince myself deep down that If he made me feel this way and it never happened to me before that I must make him feel this way too. In reality I know its his girlfriend that he loves and that no-one else comes even close.

Please help me, I appreciate you reading this. Thanks.

free2fly

Suicide is not the answer OP! I think that you should talk to a counselor. You said in your post that he said you're popular. That must mean that you have other friends you can talk to? Perhaps a close female friend? If you are having mood swings then perhaps you should see a doctor to determine if it is some type of chemical imbalance. If you are writing to us here then you must know deep in your heart that suicide is NOT the right thing to do here.

Life can seem dreadful at times for all of us. But it does always get better. You have your whole life ahead of you OP. You can't allow this person to make you feel like this. Do you want a family someday? Someone to call you Daddy? How about a beautiful wife? Do you play any sports?

Please take a minute to sit back and breathe and think about the good things in your life. And there must be some. And I'm sure there are people who love you and would be devastated if you left their world.

PM me if you need to talk OP. I'm here, and I'm willing to listen.

Overheal

In the end OP, no matter how many ADs the quacks pump you full of, and advice you receive from people, you're responsible for your own happiness.

In the short term you need to get away from the relationship situation. Theres too much emotion going on there to provide for rational thought. Most of us have been there once or twice. Put the problem out of sight and mind for a while and you'll begin to sift through all the raw emotion before long.

If you need a place to stay though it may be time to go reconcile with the family. I know its not an ideal situation but they are your family, and will support you in a time of need. If you don't want to bring up the guy, then don't. Everyone needs to touch base every once in a blue moon.

You may have taken a big fall here but it is no reasoning for ending your life.

Miss Fluff

It doesn't look likely that anything will happen with this guy so is it a good idea to pine over someone so unattainable? You have lots to live for OP and suicide really is not the answer, you're worth so much more than that. Why don't you go and discuss how you are feeling with your GP?

Bottle_of_Smoke

If you've made a friend like this you can make another one.

Are you sure you haven't become a clingy friend & he needs some space to breathe?

Overheal

You cant even be sure he is interested sexually. And this may be causing a lot of tension which is why he is acting so negatively.

Chinafoot

How long has he been with his girlfriend? You've only known him 3 months, if their relationship has changed/suffered in these 3 months then perhaps he is taking a step back from you in order to sort things out with his girlfriend. If this is the case, then he really should have had the decency to be up front with you about it.

You mentioned his girlfriend thinking you're a threat. There's a very good chance that she has picked up how you feel about her boyfriend and it's only natural for her to be a little on edge, particularly as yourself and himself have been "inseparable".

There's also a good chance that the guy in question may have picked up on your feelings too and perhaps he's uncomfortable with it and doesn't know how to deal with it. Again, he could have been more up front with you, but perhaps you should bring this up with him and see what he says.

Personally I think you should forget about romace happening with this fella and you should have a think about whether or not it would be a genuine friendship were it to continue while you feel this way about him. You need to focus on the areas of your life that really need it right now, like your home and family situations. Maybe you're focusing everything on this guy when the real issues are being ignored. Feeling suicidal over someone you met 3 months ago? It sounds like this is just adding to the existing problems you need to sort out.

Take a step back from all of this and try to clear your head.

BeardyGit

You think he told you that you're the most amazing person he's ever met because he wants to be with you or somthing? You think he told you that you're stunning looking because he fancies the arse off you? That you're so popular because you can make him laugh and blah blah blah.....

I don't know many people who'll phish on a friends parade when they're feeling a bit low and a bit needy, do you? Have you considered he was trying to give you a pep talk when you were feeling down, as opposed to telling you how fabulous you are because he's somehow becoming attracted to you?

Come on man, you're super needy. That's obvious enough. It's only natural a mate would try to remind you of the positives when you're being a needy and self centred drama queen. We all have our moments. That doesn't mean he wants a piece of the action with you though.

Sorry. But as Thom Yorke sings....

"You do it to yourself, you do...."

You're not going to change his heart. He will NEVER be what you want him to be*. End of story. Get over yourself first and you'll perhaps get over him.

*unless he too is bi/gay....unlikely

PS: some possibly useful contacts:

http://www.dublinsamaritans.ie/
http://www.gayswitchboard.ie/about.htm

Wibbs

While Gil_Dub doesn't spare the horses in his reply, I would go along with much of what he said. You are probably projecting what you want on to him and jumping on anything he says to give yourself hope. Now he could be bi and he may want you but this is less likely than more.

You need to take a step back and take some time for yourself. This will pass. It may take a while but it will.

seahorse

Please help me wrote: »

The worst part is that I still convince myself deep down that If he made me feel this way and it never happened to me before that I must make him feel this way too.

I'm sorry to say this to you OP, because you're obviously in an emotionally vulnerable state, but this is a really good example of delusional thinking. What you are doing here is projecting your own feelings onto somebody else, i.e. supposing that because you are experiencing these feelings they must be shared by the person yours are directed towards. That kind of thinking has gotten many a person into many an emotional mess.

I think that the depressed state you are in is symptomatic of many things, and that this latest issue is exactly that; the latest issue. I think you could benefit from speaking to a counsellor/therapist. Surely there is one stationed at the college? You do not need to feel, as you say, that you "have nowhere to go whatsoever and no-one to talk to". I respect that that is what it feels like right now, but that is just not true. There are counsellors, therapists, and the Samaritans, as someone else has already suggested.

The one person you don't need to be musing all this over with is yourself, because, look, when a person is in a very depressed state the most dangerous thing they can do is believe their own negative self-talk, because it NEVER tells them anything positive - that would be to work against the nature of depression itself. I was treated for clinical depression myself twice in my life and I know that during those times I could imagine nothing positive, but I had a very fertile imagination; it just didn't tell me anything worth listening to, and that is probably the most difficult aspect of overcoming depression; coming to understand that you should not always trust your own thoughts. People just assume (no matter what sort of mood they're in) that there is validity to their own thoughts, and in depression we assume that the rules are the same, but they are not, the rules are not the same because we are not engaged in logical thinking; there is not that same sense of validity to the thinking process of a person experiencing depression because everything is coloured with pessimism and therefore malformed. i.e. what we imagine is reality is not reality; it is a dangerous parody of it.

Anyway, I am going all around the houses in trying to explain to you that you are in a place in your mind where you should not be trusting your own thinking process, you should literally not trust your own thoughts. I personally found that a very scary thing to accept; I maintained, even in the deepest depression, that the one thing I could trust was the reasoning of my own self, and it's a pity for me I didn't snap out of that sooner because if had been prepared to let go of that sense of control sooner I'd have been able to lift myself out of depression sooner also, by shrugging off the content of my own negative thoughts. You literally need to learn to distrust yourself, and that is a hard thing to do, but please try. Get yourself into the habit of, when a negative thought comes along, saying to yourself; 'Oh there I go, telling myself bullsh!t again - fukoff bullsh!t, I'm not in the mood!' If you learn to dismiss the negative content of your thoughts it does in time lose its grip over you, but I believe that you will need help with this.

For the moment you are going to have to do two things: The first is to let go of the romantic desires you're entertaining for this friend. You need to accept that A, he is heterosexual, and B, even if he were bisexual he is involved in a committed relationship with someone else, so on both counts, you are wasting your time there. The second thing I really think you should do is get some help for your depression. Kamikaze pilots aside, never in the history of the world has a person not experiencing a depressed state entertained the idea of killing themselves, so I firmly believe you are experiencing depression and you need some professional help with that. I hope you get it and good luck to you.