Boyfriend's crazy ex.

Bumblebee333

Hi, I was just wondering what peoples taughts were on this one. Just need to get it out.

By boyfriend has a child by a previous partner, and ive always been fine with that. We get along great (she's 5 so she probably gets on with everyone!) When he has her we do things together, and its like we're a family, but I would NEVER try to replace her mother and i have always made that clear. But I think she's a terrible mother. (Ive never said that, even to my partner.) She never does anything with any of her kids, thats left to the dads. The little girl even told me she wished I was her mam.

Last week she said that Her brother said something mean about me. My partner said not to worry, ive never even met him. But its really been bothering me.

Also in the last week, the childs mother has refused to let my partner see her, as we dropped her back a little late last week. Fair enough my partner didnt let her know, but thats a bit harsh.

So heres my problem. Shes been so mean and moany lately and I feel like its my fault. I feel bad for my partner. But all I have ever done is be nice to her child. Im not trying to replace her. Why cant she just be happy that her little girl is being taken good care of???

Im sorry for goin on, but its been getting me down a lot!

andrewh5

Sadly, lots of women use access to the children as a weapon against their exes. It isn't right and the children suffer but it happens.

Crannog

This may sound a little harsh but "who cares why she just can't be happy".

Her happiness/unhappiness is not your responsibility. Getit!

You are responsible for your own happiness and though you may prefer that she was happy you may need to accept that she may be unhappy no matter what you do. So don't get caught in the trap of trying to please her and trying to get her to like you because that may never happen.

Sorry to be so brutal.

ve

Bumblebee333 wrote: »

The little girl even told me she wished I was her mam.

Last week she said that Her brother said something mean about me. My partner said not to worry, ive never even met him. But its really been bothering me.

My heart missed a beat when I read that first part. I give you my sympathy, and I also sympathize with the kids. I think this is a complex and delicate situation especially when kids are involved. From what you have posted I have some concerns and before I continue I want you to know that I am not casting negative judgment on you individually, I'm sure you are a lovely person and a great partner.

Having been the child of a separated couple, I know only too well how difficult and traumatic a broken home can be. Parents using you in a tug-o-war, and a pawn in their mind games. Although when you're a 5 year old kid, the parent who brings you to the playground or gives you toys can do no harm. I know you said you are very careful about not playing a motherly role, and I'm sure this includes stepping aside and allowing their father deal with disciplinary issues, etc. In that kind of scenario, to a 5 year old, you are going to come out on top as being the favourite.

I'm sure your partner's children are adorable and it's great that you get on with them, and they you. I would have my reservations though as to how attached you're becoming to them. If (for example) you are more concerned than your partner over their mother's ability to raise them, perhaps that says something. They are his kids after all and it ultimately comes down to acknowledging and respecting the boundaries that exist.

Having said that and knowing that I may not have all the facts regarding this particular situation, I strongly believe that all kids deserve a happy childhood. If their mother is engaged in mind games and using the kids as a means to an end without due regard, then I believe your partner and his ex need to come to some sort of agreement and put an end to any potential harm being caused to the kids. It is both their responsibility as parents to put them first. Now I'm saying all this to you, but in reality it's not your problem.

Beruthiel

Bumblebee333 wrote: »

So heres my problem. Shes been so mean and moany lately and I feel like its my fault. I feel bad for my partner. But all I have ever done is be nice to her child. Im not trying to replace her. Why cant she just be happy that her little girl is being taken good care of???

Im sorry for goin on, but its been getting me down a lot!

Don't let it.
This is not your problem, the woman has issues and there's not a thing in the world you can do about it, nor should you.
When the little girl comes over, continue as you have been doing and just be yourself.

JuliusCaesar

Bumblebee333 wrote: »

Last week she said that Her brother said something mean about me. My partner said not to worry, ive never even met him. But its really been bothering me.

So heres my problem. Shes been so mean and moany lately and I feel like its my fault. I feel bad for my partner.

its been getting me down a lot!

Sounds like you are taking on responsibility for the world. Why are YOU responsible? Why do you feel at fault? Why do you feel the pain FOR your partner? You need to clarify
a. What is your responsibility
b. What you can actually do something about
and thereby reduce your feelings of guilt which seem all pervasive in your post. Recite the Serenity Prayer!

Bumblebee333

Crannog wrote: »

This may sound a little harsh but "who cares why she just can't be happy".

Her happiness/unhappiness is not your responsibility. Getit!

I never said it was HER I was concerned about, its the situation. I couldnt care less if she's happy. To me, a mother who cant even be bothed to get out of bed at the weekend to bring her kids to dancing/football or whatever because she's hungover doesn't deserve to be happy. Especially since this is every week. Getit! Please dont be so harsh, you dont know me, or the whole situation.

With regards my partner, sorry if I was unclear. He has one child. Her other kids are by different fathers. He is also very concerned by the current situation, but she will not reason with him.

The reason I am so concerned, is because I care a great deal for this little girl. And my partner. We are engaged and living together and love each other very much, so as I see it, if it affects him, it affects me. Same goes for my problems. We are a couple. When the little girl is around, I never have nor will I ever treat her any differently to how I would treat my own children.

I hope you understand I can not give every reason I think she is a bad mother. I would be here all day. Thanks.

Marksie

actually OP I am always advocating that people are responsible for their own happiness or unhappiness. So i agree with Crannog's post. Though i wouldnt have been so harsh.

So relax a bit there, he has a valid point.
But take that a stage further and to the fact it is you yourself who are feeling these things.
so does Julius caesar adn beruthiel. YOU are not respnsible for what she does.
You just have to treat the little girl as you are doing.
That is all you can do.

Did the comment "I wish you were my mammy" have more significance than you are leting us belive though..in the end is this what you want...that the biological mother is not there?

Beruthiel

Marksie wrote: »

You just have to treat the little girl as you are doing.

And to expand on that further, kids aren't stupid.
They see more than you think and by being yourself, you give her another alternative on how she views life. That is a gift you can give her which she will carry through her life. Realise that the time you do spend with her will make a difference.

Bumblebee333

Marksie wrote: »

Did the comment "I wish you were my mammy" have more significance than you are leting us belive though..in the end is this what you want...that the biological mother is not there?

Yes, it did have more significance. But not in that I wish I was her mother, more so the fact that it broke my heart that a child was stood there wishing such a thing. Fair enough at 5 she's going to prefer the more 'fun' person, but her reasons were heart breaking. Mam wont tuck me in, read me a story, never brings me anywhere, gives out all the time (and trust me its ALL the time, not just when needed.).......................

4Xcut

You have done nothing wrong. You have taken the exact right course of action, treating the child well while not trying to replace her "mother".

All I would suggest is being supportive of your partner.

Oh and if you want to annoy the mother just be understanding and nice and talk in that really calm voice;)