Married woman/ Gay friend

westburygirl

I have a dilemma which I can’t get round. I’m a straight woman whose best friend is gay. We were friends for a time before she came out to me, I was the first one she told and my reaction being positive she went on to come out to all her friends and family. We were always very close and had a flirtatious innuendo based relationship which was all a bit of fun and which continued after she came out. There was never anything untoward, I’m quite happily married and she knew this and although she would tell me I was her ideal woman and she would joke about me leaving my husband for her, it never went beyond friendship and I was always completely comfortable with her and her with me. my husband always had that typical view of lesbians, all fantasy and threesome talk, and when I told him she was gay he didn’t really have issue with it. But one night we (my hub and I) where having a deep and meaningful and I told him half casually that she had feelings for me etc. he went crazy and ‘suggested’ I should not see her anymore. I think saying it aloud made it seem out of context, more seedy and threatening than it actually is. I mean our friendship never altered after she told me she had feelings for me. I knew it was true but I never felt threatened or weird about it. But he is of the opinion that it’s no different than if it were a man I were spending all my time with, socialising with and confiding in. he basically put it like this ‘ cut all contact cause if I don’t I’m basically cheating’…..so that;s what I did. I slowed down contact at first, avoided her and put her off meeting. Ignored her texts and phonecalls . she realised there was a problem she contacted me by e mail and texts but I’ve never replied. It kills me to do it cause I hate to think that she thinks badly of me. my husband is not a bad guy, it’s not like he’s telling me who I can and can’t be friends with. But I miss her and I would love to be able to talk to her but in doing so I would be betraying him so it’s got to the point where I just have to leave things as they are. it’s been months now and she still sends me the occasional text which I still ignore. my husband has long since forgotten it but when he goes out with his mates I feel resentful, I have few friends as it is. I don’t know what my question is. I just need to vent and the only person I could vent to is the one person I’m venting about.

humanji

You can ask you husband if he trusts you, because if he does then there is no problem with you having a friendship. If he doesn't trust you then your relationship is in deep trouble. He's over reacting and you should tell him to cop on and that he's nothing to worry about.

cowzerp

i think you should tell your hubby that you miss her as a friend and see if he'll be fine about you's been friends! if you hang out with her on the quite your hubby will be hurt and feel cheated on! if you cant hang with her i think she deserves an answer as to why this is.

john_aero

i can see both views. if i was him and a fella fancied you it would be very difficult for him to know you best friends with some one that wanted be with you.

as for you loosing your best friend just talk to her and explain what happened. it not that its anything to do with her sexual orientation but just fact she wants be with you.

maybe tak to him now and say you would like get in contact with her slowly again. just make sure he knows your intentions and that you explain the story fully to your friend aswell coz you dont want her to think she is causing trouble either.

john_aero

humanji wrote: »

You can ask you husband if he trusts you, because if he does then there is no problem with you having a friendship. If he doesn't trust you then your relationship is in deep trouble. He's over reacting and you should tell him to cop on and that he's nothing to worry about.

reverse this a bit, what if he was friends with a lad/girl that fancied him, most girlfriends wouldnt be pleased eithr.

just talk to him again and sort it out polietly.

BUT do 1 thing forst. tell your hubby your going ring your friend just explain why you been distant from her its least she deserve

biko

I think your husband is controlling you. Not on.

Also the way you cut ties with your friend was cowardly. Why not just tell her your busband does not approve?

How Strange

I think you're husband is acting like a kid throwing his toys out of the pram.

I also think what you've done is very hurtful and cruel. This woman was your friend and you've just cut her off. You at least owe her an explanation and a face to face meeting to tell her why you have behaved so badly.

Put it this way - how would you feel if one of your closest friends just cut you out of their life so abruptly and didn't even have the courtesy or good manners to reply to phone calls and texts.

The fact that you feel bad about it doesn't make it alright. Both you and your husband have behaved very childishly (him) and cowardly (you).

Show your friend some respect and ask her to meet you somewhere so you can tell her why you've being acting like such a coward for the last few months.

Beruthiel

westburygirl wrote: »

he basically put it like this ‘ cut all contact cause if I don’t I’m basically cheating

What a load of bs.

If you fancied her and had feelings for her and did something about that, then yes, that would be cheating. However, you only consider her a friend and that's it, so, where's the cheating?
How you could allow him to make you loose a good friend who you care about because of his stupidity is beyond me. She must be very hurt to be treated like that without any explaination.
Your husband doesn't trust you, and for me, that would be the biggest issue in all of this.

Wing Walker

Beruthiel wrote: »

What a load of bs.

If you fancied her and had feelings for her and did something about that, then yes, that would be cheating. However, you only consider her a friend and that's it, so, where's the cheating?
How you could allow him to make you loose a good friend who you care about because of his stupidity is beyond me. She must be very hurt to be treated like that without any explaination.
Your husband doesn't trust you, and for me, that would be the biggest issue in all of this.

+1

cowzerp

i dont agree, just because she does not reciprocate does not mean he should be o'k about it! this is like a challenge to him about his partner who he more than likely loves more than anything else in the world-if it was a bloke everyone would say he was right, i think she should explain things to him and let him no that she is no threat to him... thats only fair

_blank_

He's being a bit overly sensitive tbh.

Personally, I don't think there's anything my OH can do if someone else fancies her (man OR woman), in fact, I'd be surprised if no-one else did.

I think she's gorgeous, sexy, great to be around, love spending time with her and all of that good stuff.

I'd be insane if I thought no-one else thought the same.

So what am I supposed to do? Tell her top stop dressing in sexy clothes? Tell her to stop having the personality that I love so much?

No thank you very much.

And there's no way I'd tell her to stop seeing someone just because they fancy her.

2 reasons.

1. She can't control other people
2. There's no way I'd try to control her like that. I'd get a slap anyway:)

Miss Fluff

I think you have treated your friend really terribly and she deserves an explanation. You also need to have a proper conversation with your husband, he shouldn't be able to dictate who you do and don't see because him not trusting you is his issue and something he needs to deal with.

john_aero

really feel sorry for your friend. she has been just cut off and no one had decency fill her in on the situation, she must be feeling like right crap now

nacho libre

i notice none of you are thinking of her friend. if she harbours feelings for someone she knows she cant have. is it not better she has less contact with her in order that she can possibly find someone who will reciprocate those feelings she has.

I'm not condoning the husbands attitude but i feel it is best for the friend to have less contact with her.

Also, i forgot to add that you should explain your position to your friend.

john_aero

yes that is true, but at least explain to her what has happened.

dodgyme

Typical women wanting it both ways, no pun intended. As long as the man is demonised that is the main thing.

Balmed Out

if i was the husband it wouldnt bother me that the friend might have a crush on the wife but what would is that shes openly saying it to the wife. thats not on. Its disrespectful to the husband and the wifes relationship with him and i wouldnt trust her because of it.

Weidii

Posted a reply to the same thread in LGBT forum.

randylonghorn

So ... if an old friend of your husbands was gay, and had admitted to having a bit of a grá for him, and you had said you were jealous, what would his reaction be?

I guarantee you that he would either have laughed himself silly, or perhaps, if more immature, would have got annoyed with you and demanded to know if you thought he was gay, loike?! :rolleyes:

No, it is NOT the same thing as if a straight male friend of yours had admitted to having the hots for you ... I would have a bit more sympathy for your husband then, as at least you and your friend would have matching sexualities (though I would still think he wasn't displaying much trust in you).

I actually understand this situation quite well, as an old and close friend of mine grew up to be "bi, leaning towards gay" ... his definition, I wouldn't attempt to define anyone else. And he too had a bit of a thing for me at one stage ... oh, it mostly came out as slagging, but we both knew that there was a touch of reality underpinning the pishtake. He also knew, however, that it just wasn't going to happen.

None of my gf's ever had any problem with him being around, in fact, far more common for them and him to gang up on me in terms of taking the pish, etc., and several of them are still friendly with him.

Only "negative" comment I ever remember was from one of them who told me he had infected me with his own terrible sense of humour! (Not totally untrue! )

I think your husband is being extremely immature, untrusting and disrespectful of you.

I think you have allowed him to put you in the position of being very unfair and hurtful to your friend.

My sympathy in these circumstances is all with your friend, tbh.

blackbelt

westburygirl wrote: »

I have a dilemma which I can’t get round. I’m a straight woman whose best friend is gay. We were friends for a time before she came out to me, I was the first one she told and my reaction being positive she went on to come out to all her friends and family. We were always very close and had a flirtatious innuendo based relationship which was all a bit of fun and which continued after she came out. There was never anything untoward, I’m quite happily married and she knew this and although she would tell me I was her ideal woman and she would joke about me leaving my husband for her, it never went beyond friendship and I was always completely comfortable with her and her with me. my husband always had that typical view of lesbians, all fantasy and threesome talk, and when I told him she was gay he didn’t really have issue with it. But one night we (my hub and I) where having a deep and meaningful and I told him half casually that she had feelings for me etc. he went crazy and ‘suggested’ I should not see her anymore. I think saying it aloud made it seem out of context, more seedy and threatening than it actually is. I mean our friendship never altered after she told me she had feelings for me. I knew it was true but I never felt threatened or weird about it. But he is of the opinion that it’s no different than if it were a man I were spending all my time with, socialising with and confiding in. he basically put it like this ‘ cut all contact cause if I don’t I’m basically cheating’…..so that;s what I did. I slowed down contact at first, avoided her and put her off meeting. Ignored her texts and phonecalls . she realised there was a problem she contacted me by e mail and texts but I’ve never replied. It kills me to do it cause I hate to think that she thinks badly of me. my husband is not a bad guy, it’s not like he’s telling me who I can and can’t be friends with. But I miss her and I would love to be able to talk to her but in doing so I would be betraying him so it’s got to the point where I just have to leave things as they are. it’s been months now and she still sends me the occasional text which I still ignore. my husband has long since forgotten it but when he goes out with his mates I feel resentful, I have few friends as it is. I don’t know what my question is. I just need to vent and the only person I could vent to is the one person I’m venting about.

This is the point where I felt bad for your situation.You say your husband is not a bad guy and most likely that is true but in a sense he is telling you who you can be friends with or not.

I also laughed at the whole predicament.You have a gay friend who fancies you and jokes about having you.If this was a male friend,your husband would have every right to say this but your friend is not a man and you are not a lesbian or bisexual.Add to this,there is the issue of trust.Does your husband really think you are the type to cheat in the first place regardless.

My advice is to tell your husband the situation and if he doesn't like it...tough.Your friend never did anything to hurt either of you and I don't see what the problem is.It seems that you're bending over backwards,hurting yourself and your friend just because you're husband said so.

You are clearly upset with the whole situation.Don't be a coward and face your friend or at least tell her your predicament.I have a feeling that if you don't,you'll become very resentful against your husband for this later down the road.

yawnstretch

Sorry but I'm with your husband on this one. And it's not about your husband trusting you either - he's being sensible. It's a bad idea to hang out with someone who fancies you.

seahorse

yawnstretch wrote: »

Sorry but I'm with your husband on this one. And it's not about your husband trusting you either - he's being sensible. It's a bad idea to hang out with someone who fancies you.

I've only read the first post and this last one, so apologies if I'm missing something here, but I have to say I throughly agree with the above post. There is nothing healthy to be gained for your relationship by spending private time with somebody who has directly stated that they'd like to jump your bones! I mean, come on, how obvious is that?! Would you appreciate it if it were a female friend of your husbands??? I think you need to separate sexual orientation and gender from the actual issue and imagine your own views on the subject if the shoe were on the other foot.

As far as your friend is concerned, no, she ought not be left in limbo; I think you ought to tell her directly that she made inappropriate suggestions to a married woman and that her gender and sexuality does not mean she is not responsible for the consequences of her own actions. After all, if she were a man, would you not say the same thing?

spurious

I feel very sorry for your friend who has been really badly treated by you.
TBH I feel sorry for you too, being with someone who doesn't trust you and is so controlling.

Why is he so threatened? Is your friend in a relationship of her own?

txt_mess

I'd have to say I'm slightly on the side of your husband with this one directly hanging around with someone who has openly said they fancies and has said she wants you to leave your husband to be with her is bad.

( I know the op said the leaving her husband bit was joking but given the fact she fancies her I doubt it was joking on her part more fishing ).

I don't think the arguement of whether the op is bi straight gay adds up its not the point that she with respond to her friend its the fact that she is getting hit on by her friend. If I had a friend man/women whatever who actively was making advances even if I took them as casual remarks my wife would want me to drop that person quick.

If the ops friend was truely her friend whe would respect her relationship choice to be with her husband and not make inappropriate comments like leave him and I fancy you and your my ideal woman , she would keep her thoughts to herself and if the op and her husband ever broke up then it would be time for comments like that.

Having said all that I think ideally it would be good to cultivate a relationship to be this close with your husband I know thats a hard one to do.

And in fairness a good bye email explaining why and cutting off ties altogether is the least that can be done for your friend and you husband should be ok with this as it's what he asked for.

tbh

if your friend fancied you but kept her mouth shut about it, this wouldn't have happened. So, you have to ask yourself, why did she tell you she had feelings for you? She knew you were married, right? So she knew that there was no point in telling you, cause all it would do would be to make things awkward. So why did she tell you? why did she make jokes about you leaving your husband for her? IMO, it was to see how you'd react.

westburygirl

tbh wrote: »

if your friend fancied you but kept her mouth shut about it, this wouldn't have happened. So, you have to ask yourself, why did she tell you she had feelings for you? She knew you were married, right? So she knew that there was no point in telling you, cause all it would do would be to make things awkward. So why did she tell you? why did she make jokes about you leaving your husband for her? IMO, it was to see how you'd react.

it's not like she got down on one knee and declared undying love for me. we used to joke about it and i had no problem with it. i never felt for one minute she would ever take advantage of our closeness. we'd just joke that if she were straight she d be my ideal man and if i were gay i'd be her ideal woman. I agree it’s my fault entirely in all this. And because of that my conscience is killing me. I know she did nothing wrong. But I feel like I’m in a lose lose situation. I love my husband more than anything but I loved her too. In a completely different way of course but when I think about it, as I do often I realise emotionally I prob was betraying him. There was a time and I was going through a hard time with him, he was stressed to the hilt with his job and in hindsight I was depending on her. She listened to all my bitching and knew even more than him at times and he knew that and at the time he was prob delighted I was bending her ear when he was so busy . But when it all hit the fan he read into it differently. Now when he does refer to her he does so as ‘single white female’ and that really pisses me off. I feel like I’m being punished simply for having a bestfriend who just so happens to be gay.
He’s almost convinced me he’s right, that she had an agenda in her friendship, but then I know that I played my part in it too. I never pu t that much thought in it but now his constant insinuations has made me re assess what was really goin on. After ten years of marriage and numerous county moves due to his job I’d never really had many real friends. We’ve lived here for 3 years now so when I made friends with her I thought it was because I’d been here for a longer time. I used to think the only thing stopping me from making friends was the fact that we were always moving around but now his promotion leaves use here for the foreseeable future. But I see now that im just not good at making friends. I never noticed it but I see now that he hs maintained friendship even though we moved. But even his best friends wives and partners have only ever been civil and friendly but I would never socialise with them outside the occasional dinner party or barbecue with all couples. Then I made my own friend and I was delighted to have a female perspective that was solely mine, not his mother or his sisters or his friends. We’d spend hours having girly chat s and bottles of wine watchin desperate housewives and I thought it was all exactly how friendships where supposed to be. But he thinks this was all a plan on her part to take me over to the dark side. Now I’m paranoid. I don’t know whats true and what my husband has tried to convince me. not wanting to offend any gay people but she was the furthest from what I’d ever in my ignorance imagined a lesbian to be. I think that’s what freaks him out really. But nothing ever happened physically between us though in afterthought we were extremely intimate emotionally. So maybe to that extent he had a point. I do believe that you can be guilty of being unfaithful emotionally and maybe I was. Now I’ve lost her as a friend even to the most innocent degree. On the one hand we were just friends but on the other there was more to it so if I were to contact her I would be re establishing contact for the wrong reasons, in turn betraying him. I hate that we could go from being so close to just nothing. i honestly don't believe she had any ulterior motives in her friendship to me. i gave as good as a got. she could have accused me of being a tease but she didn't cause it wasn't like that, that was just the way we acted with each other and it was all very comforting and trusting without ever being awkward. i wasn't in love with her, but i did adore our friendship. but in my marriage she is now the enemy and it's all snowballed. i believe we would have been just as close even if she wasn't gay. that was just a sub plot of our friendship. now i'm lonely with no friends and a best friend who thinks i hate her, and if i try to tell her different , i in turn betray my hub.

Talliesin

Meh. I know there are lesbians that fancy my girlfriend, since my girlfriend being pretty damn hot is one of our favourite topics of conversation should we be having a chat.

I just consider this the inevitable result of having a hot girlfriend.

I do not consider having a hot girlfriend to be a bad thing.

Your partner needs to just get over himself or else find somebody else who is deeply unattractive in every way.

There can be such a thing as emotional infidelity. But I really don't see this here from what you've said, though the choice of fonts makes your post very hard to read so I did skim a few bits.

You love your friend as a friend. That doesn't make you emotionally unfaithful, it just makes you not emotionally retarded.

maryjmul

im aslo married and my best friend is gay we are really good friends and tell each other everything but im sorry to say i see your husbands side in this as i know if i told my huaband the same thing he would react in the same way ,you owe your friend an explanation as she must be feeling very hurt,remember your husband cant compete with another woman and this is the real basis of his fear you need to sit your husband down and talk honestly to him and ask him why he does not trust you as his wife,and also ask yourself why you told your husband this in the first place

SarahSassy

biko wrote: »

I think your husband is controlling you. Not on.

Also the way you cut ties with your friend was cowardly.

+1

RedXIV

I can honestly say that i've never had a girlfriend who would agree to stop seeing one of her friends because i told her to, no matter what the reason. admittidly, one of my gfs turned out bi and quite into women but she was faithful when she was with me. I wonder if it's because i've never been cheated on that i'm so trusting? it wouldn't bother me if my partners best mate fancied her.

tantipie

i'm actually quite upset to read this very similar to me,,i'm married so is best friend,,we both 32 friends since 4,,i told her i had slept with a woman,,and she was fine loved hearing the details,,but a few days later she told me hubby read her texts,,and thats when it started,,no texts no calls no invites to hers anymore,,i still cry to this day at the friendship we lost and for nothing,,i still miss her sooo much ,,but for 2 yrs or more i still text her evry month just to let her know that i was thinkin of her,,she recently left hubby and we have started meeting again,,things wont ever be the same and she has never told me why she had become so cool,,but ending a friendship with her was devastating to me it was like she died,,please keep in contact with her,,as i have been her and i know how much it hurts to lose such a good friend,,sorry about the ramble,,i have never told anyone,,even hubby,,

LegacyUser

dodgyme wrote: »

Typical women wanting it both ways, no pun intended. As long as the man is demonised that is the main thing.

Yup, there seems to be a fair amount of this alright.

If the shoe was on the other foot, and your man was best friends with a pretty and successful woman from college. If he saw her all the time, and had in-jokes with her, and special understandings with her, from which you were excluded, you wouldn't like it.

Then to discover that this fantastic woman, of whom your husband is very fond, is in love with your husband would be quite threatening.

Fundamentally, when you get married, you make vows to be faithful to each other.

It is entirely understandable that he asked you to stop hanging around with this woman.

The fact that he is reasonable is obvious, as he didn't have a problem with her until he discovered she had feelings for you. At that point, with the best will in the world, it would be disrespectful to your husband and to your marriage to continue meeting her.

It would be a different matter if she no longer had feelings for you.