Married woman/ Gay friend

westburygirl

I have a dilemma which I can’t get round. I’m a straight woman whose best friend is gay. We were friends for a time before she came out to me, I was the first one she told and my reaction being positive she went on to come out to all her friends and family. We were always very close and had a flirtatious innuendo based relationship which was all a bit of fun and which continued after she came out. There was never anything untoward, I’m quite happily married and she knew this and although she would tell me I was her ideal woman and she would joke about me leaving my husband for her, it never went beyond friendship and I was always completely comfortable with her and her with me. my husband always had that typical view of lesbians, all fantasy and threesome talk, and when I told him she was gay he didn’t really have issue with it. But one night we (my hub and I) where having a deep and meaningful and I told him half casually that she had feelings for me etc. he went crazy and ‘suggested’ I should not see her anymore. I think saying it aloud made it seem out of context, more seedy and threatening than it actually is. I mean our friendship never altered after she told me she had feelings for me. I knew it was true but I never felt threatened or weird about it. But he is of the opinion that it’s no different than if it were a man I were spending all my time with, socialising with and confiding in. he basically put it like this ‘ cut all contact cause if I don’t I’m basically cheating’…..so that;s what I did. I slowed down contact at first, avoided her and put her off meeting. Ignored her texts and phonecalls . she realised there was a problem she contacted me by e mail and texts but I’ve never replied. It kills me to do it cause I hate to think that she thinks badly of me. my husband is not a bad guy, it’s not like he’s telling me who I can and can’t be friends with. But I miss her and I would love to be able to talk to her but in doing so I would be betraying him so it’s got to the point where I just have to leave things as they are. it’s been months now and she still sends me the occasional text which I still ignore. my husband has long since forgotten it but when he goes out with his mates I feel resentful, I have few friends as it is. I don’t know what my question is. I just need to vent and the only person I could vent to is the one person I’m venting about.

secman

It would be a very different situation if a man friend told you that he had feelings for you, as you being hetro, could in theory develope a relationship. But since your friend is a gay woman, you being hetro, there is no danger of a relationship. It is about trust, does your husband feel threatened by your friend ? Its a difficult one. Ideal situation would be that your friend knows that nothing can ever happen, as you do not have those feelings for her, she accepts this and your husband fully understands the situation and does not feel threatened. Getting to this scenario is the toughy. Worst thing you can do is go behind husband's back, this would make the situation 10 times worst. All reason would go out the window, ridiculious words would be uttered on all sides.

Best of luck

Secman

Weidii

This is outrageous.

What I would do:

First of all I'd tell the husband that I'm sick of having to ignore my friend because of his lack of trust in me. I'd remind him that I'm straight (which I presume you are?) and therefore nothing would ever happen between me and the friend.

Secondly I'd explain the situation to the friend (who I feel so sorry for here, imagine your best friend stopped communicating with you for no reason) then I'd apologise to her, and try to rebuild the friendship with her. (I'd also make it quite clear to her that I'm straight, which I'm presuming you are again)

Redscrapbook

I don't see the benefits of you cutting off your best friend just because your husband ask you to do so? Just because your best friend have feelings for you? What is the point of having best friends without any feelings?

Would your husband cut off his best friend or certain mates if you ask him? I'd suggest talk to you husband if that is causing you to resent him by cutting off your best friend and he can still go out with his mates? If you don't feel like talking about 'resentment'.

You could always say to him that you want to meet your best friend again..this is not a betrayal as long you let him know. Things have calmed down now...you said that your husband have long forgotten about it. Best friend is hard to come by and it will mean the world to you. I'd love to have that kind of best friend you've. She've confided in you when she came out. Coming out is the hardest thing to do for any gay person and she have your confidence in her. Your friendship with her doesn't effect you. It will or could be effected now especially you've ignored her texts or emails? That is not fair on your best friend to cut her off like that...after she told you about her feelings. If she still sending you her texts or emails and there is still a chance to retreive your friendship...I guess you've alot of explaining to do to her. I'm sure she'll understand...this is a geniune friendship if she've forgiven you. Please don't let that go.

I'd suggest encourage her to find a girlfriend or go with her to find a girlfriend. Help to support her..this is another level of friendship. Let me know your thoughts?

white apples

I don't think it is fair of your husband to ask you to cut off contact with your best friend. I can understand why he might be a little jealous if he knows she has feelings for you, but ultimately he should be able to trust you, an obvious reason being that you're straight, but also because you are married to him i.e. committed to him and he should be able to trust you not to cheat regardless of whomever you're spending your time with. I think you should not go behind his back, but talk to him, tell him how you feel and tell him (not ask) that you are going to get back in touch with your friend. Like Redscrapbook said, it's not easy to find good friends like that, and it would be a shame to let a good friendship like that go.

Also, I feel extremely sorry for your friend. I can't imagine how she must feel after being completely blanked by you and not ever having an explanation.

If your husband reacts badly when you tell him you are going to see her again, and you don't want to risk putting your relationship with him under strain, I would strongly urge you to even just meet your friend once and explain the situation to her, and why you are not able to be close friends with her any more. I think this is the least she deserves and may give closure to the whole situation if the alternative doesen't work.

Best of luck.

westburygirl

Redscrapbook wrote: »

I don't see the benefits of you cutting off your best friend just because your husband ask you to do so? Just because your best friend have feelings for you? What is the point of having best friends without any feelings?

Would your husband cut off his best friend or certain mates if you ask him? I'd suggest talk to you husband if that is causing you to resent him by cutting off your best friend and he can still go out with his mates? If you don't feel like talking about 'resentment'.

You could always say to him that you want to meet your best friend again..this is not a betrayal as long you let him know. Things have calmed down now...you said that your husband have long forgotten about it. Best friend is hard to come by and it will mean the world to you. I'd love to have that kind of best friend you've. She've confided in you when she came out. Coming out is the hardest thing to do for any gay person and she have your confidence in her. Your friendship with her doesn't effect you. It will or could be effected now especially you've ignored her texts or emails? That is not fair on your best friend to cut her off like that...after she told you about her feelings. If she still sending you her texts or emails and there is still a chance to retreive your friendship...I guess you've alot of explaining to do to her. I'm sure she'll understand...this is a geniune friendship if she've forgiven you. Please don't let that go.

I'd suggest encourage her to find a girlfriend or go with her to find a girlfriend. Help to support her..this is another level of friendship. Let me know your thoughts?

I agree it’s my fault entirely in all this. And because of that my conscience is killing me. I know she did nothing wrong. But I feel like I’m in a lose lose situation. I love my husband more than anything but I loved her too. In a completely different way of course but when I think about it, as I do often I realise emotionally I prob was betraying him. There was a time and I was going through a hard time with him, he was stressed to the hilt with his job and in hindsight I was depending on her. She listened to all my bitching and knew even more than him at times and he knew that and at the time he was prob delighted I was bending her ear when he was so busy . But when it all hit the fan he read into it differently. Now when he does refer to her he does so as ‘single white female’ and that really pisses me off. I feel like I’m being punished simply for having a bestfriend who just so happens to be gay.
He’s almost convinced me he’s right, that she had an agenda in her friendship, but then I know that I played my part in it too. I never pu t that much thought in it but now his constant insinuations has made me re assess what was really goin on. After ten years of marriage and numerous county moves due to his job I’d never really had many real friends. We’ve lived here for 3 years now so when I made friends with her I thought it was because I’d been here for a longer time. I used to think the only thing stopping me from making friends was the fact that we were always moving around but now his promotion leaves use here for the foreseeable future. But I see now that im just not good at making friends. I never noticed it but I see now that he hs maintained friendship even though we moved. But even his best friends wives and partners have only ever been civil and friendly but I would never socialise with them outside the occasional dinner party or barbecue with all couples. Then I made my own friend and I was delighted to have a female perspective that was solely mine, not his mother or his sisters or his friends. We’d spend hours having girly chat s and bottles of wine watchin desperate housewives and I thought it was all exactly how friendships where supposed to be. But he thinks this was all a plan on her part to take me over to the dark side. Now I’m paranoid. I don’t know whats true and what my husband has tried to convince me. not wanting to offend any gay people but she was the furthest from what I’d ever in my ignorance imagined a lesbian to be. I think that’s what freaks him out really. But nothing ever happened physically between us though in afterthought we were extremely intimate emotionally. So maybe to that extent he had a point. I do believe that you can be guilty of being unfaithful emotionally and maybe I was. Now I’ve lost her as a friend even to the most innocent degree. On the one hand we were just friends but on the other there was more to it so if I were to contact her I would be re establishing contact for the wrong reasons, in turn betraying him. I hate that we could go from being so close to just nothing. i honestly don't believe she had any ulterior motives in her friendship to me. i gave as good as a got. she could have accused me of being a tease but she didn't cause it wasn't like that, that was just the way we acted with each other and it was all very comforting and trusting without ever being awkward. i wasn't in love with her, but i did adore our friendship. but in my marriage she is now the enemy and it's all snowballed. i believe we would have been just as close even if she wasn't gay. that was just a sub plot of our friendship. now i'm lonely with no friends and a best friend who thinks i hate her, and if i try to tell her different , i in turn betray my hub.

Rev Hellfire

Personally I don't think the husband is the sole guilty party in all of this your 'friend' must also take their share of the blame. To be honest I can see where you husband is coming from, I'm sure if the situation was reversed and he was socialising with another woman who had professed to have strong feeling for him you might be less than accommodating. Sure its easy to say he should be less jealous and trusting but talk is cheap.
I'd question the motives of your friend in divulging her feelings for you, she must surely have realised the position she has placed you in. Personally I think you've done the right thing in cutting down on contact, at least until the initial storm has blown over.

Padjo1981

I agree I can only assume that your friend told you those things because she hoped sth may happen, so it may be best to distance yourself, at least till she realises you are married for a reason................. LOVE QUOTE=Rev Hellfire;55330459]Personally I don't think the husband is the sole guilty party in all of this your 'friend' must also take their share of the blame. To be honest I can see where you husband is coming from, I'm sure if the situation was reversed and he was socialising with another woman who had professed to have strong feeling for him you might be less than accommodating. Sure its easy to say he should be less jealous and trusting but talk is cheap.
I'd question the motives of your friend in divulging her feelings for you, she must surely have realised the position she has placed you in. Personally I think you've done the right thing in cutting down on contact, at least until the initial storm has blown over.[/QUOTE]