Packing my bags - Advice Please

GurlFriday

Myself and himself are married now five years. I love him dearly but I haven’t been happy in a long while. The straw that broke the horses back was last summer when my family come to visit he treated them like absolute muck. It was so hurtful because I have never been anything but loving and respectful towards his parents and siblings (even though there were times when I would have had good reason to be other wise). He didn’t see anything wrong with the way he treated them and that made the whole thing seem worse. He also has some major issues and hang-ups that I don’t have the energy to deal with anymore. Trying to speak to him about these things often ends up with him blanking me for days at a time (which is pure torture) and/or telling me I’m a terrible wife and don’t understand him. I of given him ample opportunity and begged him to go to marraige counceling with me but he refuses. I’m leaving him but really not sure how to tell him. He can be violent at times and I worry that if I forwarn him that I’m leaving I could come home and the place would be burnt down or all my stuff destroyed or worse I’m tempted to arrange it so that I move out while he is at work and leave him a note. I know that smacks of meanness but given he can be unpredictable, I kinda think it’s the safest thing for me to do. Any thoughts/advice?

john_aero

1st off i am so sorry to hear this.

2nd bring a friend to help you so if he does get violent you wont be on your own.

andrewh5

It sounds like you have tried everything.
If he has violent tendencies go while he is at work and make sure he can't find you. Be prepared to have to take out a non-molestation order though.
Good luck.

Marksie

Having read that, and what you have said you have done to try to resolve the issues. His non cooperation and his violence.

Yes, just go.

But before you do, make sure finances are in order and you have somewhere to go to and move totally within one day.

Don't look back and don't have doubts or second thoughts.

Leave a letter by all means, but it is better to be out of that situation.

TequilaMockingBird

Go. Just go. While he's at work. Don't put yourself in any more danger.

Good luck.

lolli

Dear Op,

Sorry that your marriage has come to this. It seems to me that you have tried your best to get your husband to see sense and to sort out your marriage problems but he is not willing to do so but you are making the right choice by leaving him.

It is probably best for your own safety to move out when he is not there but please make sure that you have someone with you when you are moving your stuff in case he comes home, maybe a brother or a friend. Just make sure you are safe, you can contact him when you have all your stuff moved. By the sounds of his personality I think it would be best if you did not tell him before you move out.

I hope that you will find happiness in your future.

GurlFriday

lolli wrote: »

I hope that you will find happiness in your future.

Thanks so much lolli and everyone else. A girlfriend of mine is helping and I haven't much so it will only be one carload. I just feel sick at the thought as I love him but I know it's not healthy.

TequilaMockingBird

GurlFriday wrote: »

Thanks so much lolli and everyone else. A girlfriend of mine is helping and I haven't much so it will only be one carload. I just feel sick at the thought as I love him but I know it's not healthy.

Are all the contents of the house his?

Sherifu

GurlFriday wrote: »

Thanks so much lolli and everyone else. A girlfriend of mine is helping and I haven't much so it will only be one carload. I just feel sick at the thought as I love him but I know it's not healthy.

He sounds like a creep. Good luck. Your life starts now.

GurlFriday

sueme wrote: »

Are all the contents of the house his?

No but we have no assets other than a few bits within the place we rent and there's not much that I want other than my clothes and jewellery and cds. Maybe the television.

GurlFriday

Sherifu wrote: »

He sounds like a creep. Good luck. Your life starts now.

Thanks Sheri. I'm scared to death over living on my own.

lolli

No matter how much we love someone it is never a good idea to stay in a bad relationship.

I'm glad you have a friend who is going to help you.

Sherifu

GurlFriday wrote: »

Thanks Sheri. I'm scared to death over living on my own.

Nonsense, the single life is great. Meet lots of new people, new hobbies, nights out, do whatever you wanted to do or have been putting off. Have fun.

john_aero

GurlFriday wrote: »

Thanks Sheri. I'm scared to death over living on my own.

dont be, remember it is more of a risk staying with some you thats violent. as they said, your life starts now and just make most of your life from now one ok

Beruthiel

GurlFriday wrote: »

He can be violent at times and I worry that if I forwarn him that I’m leaving I could come home and the place would be burnt down or all my stuff destroyed or worse I’m tempted to arrange it so that I move out while he is at work and leave him a note. I know that smacks of meanness but given he can be unpredictable, I kinda think it’s the safest thing for me to do. Any thoughts/advice?[/SIZE][/FONT]

Considering the circumstances and his temper, pack and leave when he's at work, leave him a letter explaining why and as he probably has your mobile number, don't tell him where you are staying until he calms down.
Remember, you can love someone and still not be able to live with them.
Sorry it has to come to this for you but by the sounds of things, it's for the best and in the long run, you'll be happier.
btw - living on your own has lots of advantages
Best of luck.

GurlFriday

You're all so brilliant I feel better after reading your responses. Thanks a million.

GurlFriday

Beruthiel wrote: »

Considering the circumstances and his temper, pack and leave when he's at work, leave him a letter explaining why and as he probably has your mobile number, don't tell him where you are staying until he calms down.
Remember, you can love someone and still not be able to live with them.
Sorry it has to come to this for you but by the sounds of things, it's for the best and in the long run, you'll be happier.
btw - living on your own has lots of advantages
Best of luck.

Thanks for that Beruthiel, I appreciate it. I have made a list of all the reasons to leave and it's a pretty good one. I will keep re-reading it when I am feeling doubtful!

Marksie

GurlFriday wrote: »

Thanks for that Beruthiel, I appreciate it. I have made a list of all the reasons to leave and it's a pretty good one. I will keep re-reading it when I am feeling doubtful!

In the end, what ARE you leaving behind (in terms of aggro and hassle), as you said the house is rented, there are only a few nicknacks.

You have a friend to help you and support you. Take time to get over things and move on.

Dont worry at the moment about living on your own. You will be ok with it once you realise you have space to breath.

NextSteps

Moving house generally takes about 2 car fulls more than you thought it would, in my experience, so give yourself time and make sure you take all your things. It's good that you have a friend to help. Best of luck.

xzanti

Sherifu wrote: »

He sounds like a creep. Good luck. Your life starts now.

QFT.. Stay strong GurlFriday and keep that list, he will probably try to manipulate you into coming back, if you're ever tempted your list will be a reminder of why you need to move on, I've been in a similar situation before, granted I was much younger and didn't live with the person but it took a lot to get rid of him from my life and was not a pleasant time for me or my family, but now I look back and I see that it made me a stronger person.. Congratulations on taking the initiative...

TequilaMockingBird

Good girl Gurlfriday, your doing the right thing. Do you have a new home organised?

I LOVE living on my own! Buy yourself some comfy pyjamas, a box of tissues, chocolate, wine, good book (or Boards) and mind yourself. x

GurlFriday

sueme wrote: »

Good girl Gurlfriday, your doing the right thing. Do you have a new home organised?

I LOVE living on my own! Buy yourself some comfy pyjamas, a box of tissues, chocolate, wine, good book (or Boards) and mind yourself. x

Yeah I have a room in a house sorted out. The other person in the house seems sound enough so hopefully it will all work out for the best. I would get my own place but we wracked up so much debt while together that I will have to spend the next year or two paying off my half.

Love the sound of the combo of comfy pyjamas, wine and chocs! (and maybe SATC on in the background!)

Gyalist

I applaud you for finding the courage to make the break. Given his previous history of violence, do *NOT* let him know your new address. Just be prepared for him to try to guilt and manipulate you back.

john_aero

Gyalist wrote: »

I applaud you for finding the courage to make the break. Given his previous history of violence, do *NOT* let him know your new address. Just be prepared for him to try to guilt and manipulate you back.

well pointed out, the guilt trip can be very convincing so watch out for it

TequilaMockingBird

Very good point.

He will try to win you over. But it won't get any better, just alot worse.

Keep looking at that list, and add to it whenever you think of anything else.

Tuesday_Girl

GurlFriday wrote: »

Thanks Sheri. I'm scared to death over living on my own.

I felt exactly the same way when I broke up with my ex a few years ago as I had never lived alone before. It will be tough for a while and it takes some getting used to but believe me, you will come to LOVE having your own space, freedom and independence, not to mention the peace of mind you will have once you have left this relationship behind you.

Good luck!!!!

ojewriej

If he has violent tendencies, and there is a chance that he will be looking for you, make sure you don't go to any obvious place. He probably knows your friends and family, so make sure you go somewhere where he can't find you that easily.

And living on your own can be really good, can also give you some good perspective on your relationship.

macbarbie

i just wanted to ask does he know where you work hun?? i was in a relationship with a violent guy, when i ended it, he was going crazy and showed up at my job and college a few times with flowers begging me saying he had changed... it went on for a while until my brother start coming to meet me after work and he backed of... it was a horrible experience coming out knowing he could be there.

Your doing the right thing.... i am so happy now with my new OH.... you will move on and find happiness x

milod

OP, you should leave, and at a time that suits you, i.e. when it's safe. I left my ex for exactly the same reasons, refusal to deal with issues, silent treatment, violence, etc etc.

I made the mistake of being honest and telling my ex her to her face; her response was to punch me in the face. I know violence by women toward men isn't seen as a serious issue, but the principle remains the same - you must prioritize your own safety. Best of luck with your future - it sounds like you are making the right decision.

GurlFriday

milod wrote: »

I made the mistake of being honest and telling my ex her to her face; her response was to punch me in the face. I know violence by women toward men isn't seen as a serious issue, but the principle remains the same - you must prioritize your own safety. Best of luck with your future - it sounds like you are making the right decision.

Thanks milod - I appreciate it, especially coming from someone who's been where I am. Violence is awful nomatter where it comes from. I guess for a while I just rationalised things and now I'm to the point where I've been woken up and realised I deserve better.

andrewh5

GurlFriday wrote: »

Thanks milod - I appreciate it, especially coming from someone who's been where I am. Violence is awful nomatter where it comes from. I guess for a while I just rationalised things and now I'm to the point where I've been woken up and realised I deserve better.

You do indeed. No-one deserves to be treated like a doormat.

GurlFriday

macbarbie wrote: »

i just wanted to ask does he know where you work hun?? i was in a relationship with a violent guy, when i ended it, he was going crazy and showed up at my job and college a few times with flowers begging me saying he had changed... it went on for a while until my brother start coming to meet me after work and he backed of... it was a horrible experience coming out knowing he could be there.

Your doing the right thing.... i am so happy now with my new OH.... you will move on and find happiness x

Sorry macbarbie, only saw this now! I'm not worried about him showing up at my work - I know if he did the lads I work with would sort him out (and so would my three older brothers if I needed them to). It's kinda pathetic but I'm really feeling awful because I know it's going to break his heart when I leave.

bronte

I hope it all goes smoothly for you op, you sound as if the decision to leave has given you a breath of freedom.
Nobody deserves to live in fear of violence.
I know you feel bad about hurting him, but HE'S put you in this position himself.
Remember that.

TequilaMockingBird

GurlFriday wrote: »

Sorry macbarbie, only saw this now! I'm not worried about him showing up at my work - I know if he did the lads I work with would sort him out (and so would my three older brothers if I needed them to). It's kinda pathetic but I'm really feeling awful because I know it's going to break his heart when I leave.

It may do Gurlfriday, but you have to mind your own heart, and try to forget about how he's feeling. He obviously didn't think about you when he was disrespecting you so much.

Overheal

it will. but its not the time for that. If down the line there is room for reconcile thats fine but I feel it sounds the time is now to make your space and seperate from eachother. He will get his chance to make some fundamental changes to his life but that wont happen unless theres a littlwe heartbreak to go around anyway.

macbarbie

GurlFriday wrote: »

Sorry macbarbie, only saw this now! I'm not worried about him showing up at my work - I know if he did the lads I work with would sort him out (and so would my three older brothers if I needed them to). It's kinda pathetic but I'm really feeling awful because I know it's going to break his heart when I leave.

thats good then that you have support. I understand how your feelin but as you said yourself earlier... look at your list again, did he consider he was hurtin your heart when he was ignoring you? you need to put yourself first.

chuci

good luck gurl friday youre doing the right thing. mind yourself and dont make contact or take calls until youre sure that he has calmed down. i second the comfy pjs wine and some chocolate snuggled up. think of what a life you will have once you get over this hump.

good luck chick

thecleverone

I soo feel for you OP because that was me four years ago. I'd been married for 4 years and really loved my husband. But like yours, he had violent tendancies and i was constantly justifying to myself that the violence wasn't that bad. Its not like he ever broke my bones or hospitalised me or beat me on a daily basis, but there was serious violence in the relationship.

I actually took both routes that your suggesting. After 3 years of marriage, and trying to get him to counselling and anger management (even his parents tried), i decided i'd had enough, and i was too young to live my life miserable, and afraid of the man i loved. So he came home from work one day, i had a bag packed, and i explained to him why i had to go. He went beserk, milled into me so much that i actually passed out because he'd been choking me so hard. When i came round, he was so apologetic (as usual) and started fussing over me and so on. So i stayed.

Things didn't really get any better so when i left him about 10 months later, i packed my car up when he was at work and left. It was the only way i felt i could actually leave. Without him physically or emotionally wearing me down until i agreed to stay.

Some things i will mention:
(1) You are very lucky you have somewhere to go. I wasn't half as organised as that.
(2) You WILL feel very lonely and isolated for a long while. I nearly felt like i was grieving, but THIS WILL PASS. Surround yourself with as many friends and family as you can, because you'll need all the support you can get.
(3) Don't back down. You are going to hear about how he will change, how he will try counselling, how he will do anything to have you back. Do not go back based on his promises. Until you see an actual effort/change on his behalf, then make up your mind as to whether you want to give it another go or not.
(4) If you're like me, you'll find on the lonely nights thinking that he's probably had enough of a fright with you leaving and he's probably changed. I ended up on his driveway more times than i can remember, just wanting to knock on the door and have a hug, or be back with him, but my saving grace is that i never did knock on his door.
(5) Like i said above, he will try anything to get you back, most likely including emotional blackmail. DO NOT GIVE IN TO IT. My ex used to ring me a couple of times a day in hysterics, saying he was going to kill himself unless i came back. Because i still cared about him, i often thought of going back to stop him. After about 5 months i'd had enough of the emotional blackmail and told him i didn't care what he did. After that he knew he had no emotional hold over me and the phone calls stopped. If you give into the emotional blackmail, you'll be back to square one.

There's a lot more i could probably say, but this is long enough. I have a completely different life now and would never have believed 4 years ago that i would ever be this happy. If you need to chat, feel free to PM me. Best of luck with everything. x

Peewee_lane

I hope your happy x

Just take a deep breath and enjoy your new beginning.

Dont forget who you were before you got into the relationship

pebbles21

GurlFriday wrote: »

Thanks so much lolli and everyone else. A girlfriend of mine is helping and I haven't much so it will only be one carload. I just feel sick at the thought as I love him but I know it's not healthy.

dont worry you know in your heart and sole that your making the right desicion :)as others said get your stuff when hes at work and if you can get away for a week somewhere (the further the better:cool:)to let the dust settle down with him

good luck in the future!