Feel very insecure & low-self esteem..

LegacyUser

Hi boardsies long long time user first time unreg.

Basically I feel very insecure and have low self esteem. I cannot hold up simple conversations, make good friends or hold basic ones with people. I find it extremely difficult to talk to girls I like and usually end up making a fool of myself.

Last year, I went on a months trip with 2 friends. The first day or two there I was my normal self, acting stupid to try boost my confidence or something ? Then I realised "hold on! this is rubbish. in a months time I will never see these people again." so I decided I'd be myself completely and utterly.

By the end of the month, I had made tonnes of friends. Was very popular, and well liked. I couldn't believe it. I didn't even have to try that hard. I was able to do that, just with the frame of mind ''that I'll never see these people again so it won't matter if I make a fool of myself, I'll just be myself'' and it ACTUALLY WORKED.

When I came back home, low and behold I was back to my normal self. Small crowd of friends. Generally disliked for being stupid and unable to talk to any girls.

Found out recently that a girl I really like will be be going on holidays with my group of friends this June. I am not looking forward to the trip at all. It's going to be awful, I know if I knew I'd never see her again - I could probably build up a nice friendship/relationship. But I'm too insecure (?) to try.

Thanks alot.

Kooli

It's awful to be plagued by insecurity and self-doubt, but unfortunately it is so common.
Your experiences on holiday showed that when you are truly yourself it really works out well for you - people like you, you get on well, and have no problem making friends.
But old habits die hard, and when you came home it's back to your own anxious ways. Anxiety is a hard habit to break, because it leads to anxious predictions (everything we think is going to go wrong), which can increase anxiety, and then become self-fulfilling prophecies. Anxiety can also mean we judge ourselves harshly, so it's important to question whether you are really as disliked as you think you are.
Do you only focus on the the things you feel you did wrong and ignore any successes? DO you interpret neutral or ambiguous events as negative? (for instance if someone looks bored you assume it is because of you)
If you have access to counselling (either through college or work or if you are in a position to pay) that can be really helpful to work on self-esteem and give you the confidence you need to be yourself. Otherwise there are some great self-help books out there that you can use to examine where your low self-esteem came from and what is maintaining it, and more importantly, how you can make changes to improve it by thinking differently and experimenting with different behaviours.
Best of luck!

Annatar

howdy,
I know how it feels. I still do... its not a road you really wanna go down. Nip it in the bud as soon as possible. If that means seeing councelling, go!!

Do things that boost the ol' ego. Avoid the other things.

With me I have to shout down the bast**d part of my mind that says Im caca. Its amazing how saying/shouting "shutup" everytime it rears its head works.
Try to realise you are as important as everyone else. Your opinions just as valid.
Care a little less what people actually think of you. There is truth in the bit about how only you can let others bring you down.

Hey I dont have the answers, else Iwouldnt be a..... aaannyyywaaayy
But I can see where I went wrong... at least to a point.

Try not to over analyse things, or worry too much. Hell I do it all the time, and its not recomended.

Take a different view point, we are all a long time dead. Go on hols with the group and herself. Don't go with the plan to make a move on her. Enjoy the trip for what it is and leave your worries behind. Have a laugh.

Ohhh and make nice with herself. Go the ol' make friends THEN see what happens route....

"softly softly catchy monkey"


hell it worked for me!

Overheal

Insecure123 wrote: »

Hi boardsies long long time user first time unreg.

Basically I feel very insecure and have low self esteem. I cannot hold up simple conversations, make good friends or hold basic ones with people. I find it extremely difficult to talk to girls I like and usually end up making a fool of myself.

Last year, I went on a months trip with 2 friends. The first day or two there I was my normal self, acting stupid to try boost my confidence or something ? Then I realised "hold on! this is rubbish. in a months time I will never see these people again." so I decided I'd be myself completely and utterly.

By the end of the month, I had made tonnes of friends. Was very popular, and well liked. I couldn't believe it. I didn't even have to try that hard. I was able to do that, just with the frame of mind ''that I'll never see these people again so it won't matter if I make a fool of myself, I'll just be myself'' and it ACTUALLY WORKED.

When I came back home, low and behold I was back to my normal self. Small crowd of friends. Generally disliked for being stupid and unable to talk to any girls.

Found out recently that a girl I really like will be be going on holidays with my group of friends this June. I am not looking forward to the trip at all. It's going to be awful, I know if I knew I'd never see her again - I could probably build up a nice friendship/relationship. But I'm too insecure (?) to try.

Thanks alot.

there is your answer. be yourself regardless of how others think. eventually, we all run into like minded people.

presotrader

I was recently advised to talk to a life coach for a similar problem (low selfesteem).
Did you consider that as well?

RedXIV

i remember going to college for my first year and dreading it. i was a doormat in secondary school while my best mate was a charasmatic charmer with friends everywhere. His advice to me before i went was "Establish yourself as a nutjob, you'll get away with anything then". taken with a pinch of salt, i'd say it again to anyone. Another friend of mine recommends imagining yourself 60 feet tall and made of diamonds to make you realise yourself worth. Try to remember that you are the prize here, and self doubt should be easily eradicated by the memories of your conquests on your last holiday. You have a single mental stumbling block preventing you from becoming the life of the party and it's not gonna come from someone else beating it into you. when you can overcome it yourself, there's no looking back. trust me, it's sooooooo worth it