Is he cheating or I'm being stupid?

Lady Funk

This has been wrecking my head for a while now and I haven't been able to talk to my mates about it cause we share practically all of them. But I really do want someone else's opinion and some advice on what I should do if I should do anything at all.

Myself and my boyfriend have been together for years and are just coming to the end of our first year living together. I'm crazy about him and thought he felt the same way about me. Although the idea of marriage has never come up we always assume we'll be together forever and always include the other person in plans for the future - e.g. kids, homes, etc. Lately things had got even better, he's been making effort to spend more and more time with me and constantly making random comments that make me feel like the best thing in the world.

On the downside in the past I've found out he was talking to other girls (txt & email) and sending them filthy messages about what he'd like to do to them and getting them to send him smutty pics.These are all people he's met since we got together. I spoke to him about it on a couple of occasions and he always passed them off as messing and trying to wind other people up. I've been accused of being stupid and paranoid and trying to destroy the relationship. Chickened out about telling him I knew about the pictures too - I was horrified that he'd say any of that stuff to another girl. He's never made any complaints about the bedroom side of the relationship and we'll always try new things so it doesn't get boring. Anyway it always seemed to be him that ended up mad at me about it cause he thought I was accusing him of something and not just asking what was going on. nothing has happened since we moved or so I thought, now I've found out he's on one of those dating websites and has sent messages to a few girls - naked ones!

Can someone please tell me whats going on-is he bored of me, is this just something all guys too - a little bit of excitment that doesn't mean anything. I hate the thought of someone cheating on me cause I'd never do it to anyone.

Sherifu

There was a very similar post to this yesterday about a guy txting other girls. I'll say the same two words again: Drop him. Reason: He's a cheater who hasn't cheated yet imo.

Mr. Incognito

Your boyfriend sending naked pictures to other girls is not something that other boys do.

Talk to your boyfriend and see what's going on. Maybe for him it's a bit of fun and an ego boost but there is a massive difference from watching porn which personally i think is emotionally detached and communicating with real people in the real world and sending saucy pics and e-mails. In my opinion it's a form of cheating.

Oryx

First off, his attitude of being hostile to you about it, would smack of 'the best form of defence is attack' Hes doing something unsavoury here, so instead of admitting that, hes attacking you for your attitude, to make you back off and feel like youre being unreasonable.

Yes, lots of guys (and obviously girls) do this. But whether its common or not is not the issue. You have a problem with what hes doing. That is the issue here, and hes trying to make you feel like you are the one with the problem. He may say its just fun like watching porn, but he cant phone up and meet a porn star. These people he can.

You may be unable to make him stop, but you do need to tell him plainly how you see all of this. Dont let him duck and make excuses. This kind of thing is one step away from cheating. Make sure he knows how strongly you feel, and see if he has a change of attitude, but be prepared for him to either disregard you or hide his behaviour. Either way you need to be strong in how you will move on from this if he does not change. Give it some thought.

mucker23

What he is doing is not right!!! If a girlfriend of mine was doing something like that i would feel like she was cheating on me, coz thats what basically is going on. you should pick up the courage to confront him about everything, dont back down or let him change the subject, plan out exactly what your going to say to him and dont let him try to explain himself until you finished telling him all that you know etc.. Look, you have to sort this out now, what if you keep quiet about it and kids come into the equation??

AngryBadger

What your bf if doing is totally disrespectful and in my view is cheating.

I'd drop him, especially given that he has a history of this.

funloving

I agree with the posters saying your bf is not showing any respect for you...
It's very common nowadays to read people finding out their partners on dating websites etc...i am disgusted by that.
What do these people want? I think they want the cake and eating it...
In Italy we have a saying:they want the bottle full and the wife drunk...the same...
Talk to him and let him know how all this makes you feel...you are the wronged party, not the wrong one...never forget it

Aurora Borealis

Even if he's not actually cheating in the physical sense he is certainly betraying your trust by flirting with others this way. If this is ongoing despite you having discussed it with him I'd want out personally. It is very disrespectful.

How Strange

If you are with someone you are truly happy and in love with then there is no need to be flirting with other girls and sending naked pictures.

I think his behaviour speaks volumes about his level of commitment to you and his respect for you.

Everytime you challenge him he has managed to turn it around so you look like the bad one. And now you are looking for advice on boards because you are not sure if his carry on is normal.

I'd have to say it most definitely isn't normal and the fact that he gets aggressive with you when you bring it up means he knows himself its not.

funloving

How Strange wrote: »

If you are with someone you are truly happy and in love with then there is no need to be flirting with other girls and sending naked pictures.

I think his behaviour speaks volumes about his level of commitment to you and his respect for you.

Agree on this one + 10

john_aero

just get rid of them plain and simple

Oryx

john_aero wrote: »

just get rid of them plain and simple

Its not simple, and Im sure the op knows that. When you love someone you gloss over their faults even if theyre big fat screaming faults like this man's. When they do something bad you'll rationalise till your blue in the face, so that its ok and you can stay with them. (Hence the post here, Im sure).

Lady Funk

Sorry - bit of confusion there; he was getting smut from girls not sending pictures of himself in the nip.

Thanks for all the replies so far. What if the dating website was just a for a laugh? I'm not defending him but had thought maybe him and one of the lads signed up for a joke. He mentioned a while about a thread on boards where one guy got talking to a close mates girlfriend and told him about it as soon as he discovered who it was. Would this prompt anyone to take a look and see what kinda people are on it?

Nothing has come up since we moved in together until this so had forgotten all about it and was trying to make a fresh start. I dread bringing up anything from the past considering everything had been so brilliant lately

Lady Funk

KtK wrote: »

Its not simple, and Im sure the op knows that. When you love someone you gloss over their faults even if theyre big fat screaming faults like this man's. When they do something bad you'll rationalise till your blue in the face, so that its ok and you can stay with them. (Hence the post here, Im sure).

Did I just prove your point! I've a billion reasons why I should ignore this whole thing, move on and concentrate on being more entertaining for him so he doesn't stray

How Strange

Lady Funk wrote: »

Thanks for all the replies so far. What if the dating website was just a for a laugh? I'm not defending him but

Yes, you are defending him...

had thought maybe him and one of the lads signed up for a joke. He mentioned a while about a thread on boards where one guy got talking to a close mates girlfriend and told him about it as soon as he discovered who it was. Would this prompt anyone to take a look and see what kinda people are on it?

Well it has gone much further than a joke now. That issue he told you about was awful. The poor guy who found out his gf was cheating had his life ripped apart. How does this justify your bf's behaviour? How does he equate one with the other?
Why would it prompt someone to look at who is on those websites?

I noticed an advertisement on the top of boards.ie for a website for married people to cheat. Did I take a look at it to see who was there? No, because I'm very happy in my relationship so have no need to go looking for a distraction.

Nothing has come up since we moved in together until this so had forgotten all about it and was trying to make a fresh start. I dread bringing up anything from the past considering everything had been so brilliant lately

No nothing came up because you didn't find anything until you found the pictures.

It sounds like your bf is one of those people who leads a double life - he wants the nice gf who he loves on a day to day basis but needs the thrill of cheating. He's only a few steps away from actually meeting up with one of these girls.

There doesn't seem to be any redeeming features for your bf according to your scenario. Even if he swears again that he has stopped can you trust him? I'd say no because you will still check his phone etc for proof that he's still on those websites.

dellas1979

The thing is you either bite the bullet, sit down and say "ok, John (or whatever) I am not happy about you getting messages etc from other (nude) girls, I am not happy about you giving out your number in the first place to these girls and finally I am not happy about you being on a dating site.

You ask him to think about things, what is important to him, and you leave him alone to think. Again, youve got to be prepared for the reply, but at least you will know how he really feels and if this relationship is important to him.

Shur why wouldnt he continue doing these things? He has got you to a point where you are scared to approach him about this. Stand up for yourself.

How Strange

Lady Funk wrote: »

Did I just prove your point! I've a billion reasons why I should ignore this whole thing, move on and concentrate on being more entertaining for him so he doesn't stray

Yes but you've one reason why you should tackle it head on regardless of how it may end... self respect. Oh dear lord, are we back in the 50's where women think they have to entertain their men so they don't cheat

What ever happened to the new fangled notion of an equal partnership based on mutual respect

funloving

The more I read the OP posts, the more it seems you're trying to justify his behaviour and saying " maybe I should entertain him more" makes me think you feel you lacked in something and he did the online dating thing to compensate what he feels it's missing in his life...
This is Bullsh1te
Some people cheat even when they have lovely,caring partners....
Face reality and start thinking of the respect your bf is not having for you rather than looking for an excuse you need to have to carry on with him...

girls...more self pride please!!!

Miss Fluff

He is being really disrespectful to you. You have already raised this issue and yet he continues to do it. No matter how much you try and sugar-coat it, the fact of the matter is that your supposedly monogamous partner is on a dating website,:eek: he is obviously looking for something else and you need to have a serious think about whether you can be in a relationship with someone you can't trust.

Oryx

Lady Funk wrote: »

Did I just prove your point! I've a billion reasons why I should ignore this whole thing, move on and concentrate on being more entertaining for him so he doesn't stray

If you do, you will find he will up the ante. Youll be bending over backwards till your chin is on the floor. Dont do it. Pull him up for this now, at the risk of losing him. Dont be a doormat.

allabouteve

Lady Funk wrote: »

This has been wrecking my head for a while now and I haven't been able to talk to my mates about it cause we share practically all of them. But I really do want someone else's opinion and some advice on what I should do if I should do anything at all.

Myself and my boyfriend have been together for years and are just coming to the end of our first year living together. I'm crazy about him and thought he felt the same way about me. Although the idea of marriage has never come up we always assume we'll be together forever and always include the other person in plans for the future - e.g. kids, homes, etc. Lately things had got even better, he's been making effort to spend more and more time with me and constantly making random comments that make me feel like the best thing in the world.

On the downside in the past I've found out he was talking to other girls (txt & email) and sending them filthy messages about what he'd like to do to them and getting them to send him smutty pics.These are all people he's met since we got together. I spoke to him about it on a couple of occasions and he always passed them off as messing and trying to wind other people up. I've been accused of being stupid and paranoid and trying to destroy the relationship. Chickened out about telling him I knew about the pictures too - I was horrified that he'd say any of that stuff to another girl. He's never made any complaints about the bedroom side of the relationship and we'll always try new things so it doesn't get boring. Anyway it always seemed to be him that ended up mad at me about it cause he thought I was accusing him of something and not just asking what was going on. nothing has happened since we moved or so I thought, now I've found out he's on one of those dating websites and has sent messages to a few girls - naked ones!

Can someone please tell me whats going on-is he bored of me, is this just something all guys too - a little bit of excitment that doesn't mean anything. I hate the thought of someone cheating on me cause I'd never do it to anyone.

Honey, he's cheating with his mind, his words and his deeds. Maybe not with his di-k yet, but he'll get there. He gets annoyed because he knows he's in the wrong and tries to make you feel bad about suspecting him. Which makes him an even bigger sh-t. You confronted him, and he didn't stop. He didn't confess to the pics and beg forgiveness. You've done nothing wrong. Repeat, you've done nothing wrong.

He'll probably try to blame you for his behaviour, don't listen. Leave, he can't be trusted and you deserve better. And no. Not all guys do it, its not normal in a committed relationship, and it won't stop by itself.

He cheats and lies.

john_aero

Lady Funk wrote: »

Did I just prove your point! I've a billion reasons why I should ignore this whole thing, move on and concentrate on being more entertaining for him so he doesn't stray

well i see a problem there straight off. that means your having to try keep him from straying. WHY? any half decent lad would be doing ti in the first place and if youu have to turn to thoes methods then rethinh why your with him.

If it was your friend in a similar place what would you tell her? fact he is trying find more stuff online is a bit of a eye opener that he is not ready to devote to one person. if he is not willing to acknowledge what he is doing is wrong then all that will happen is you will kep trying to keep him and at some point he may cheat or you will get frustrated at it and then that could be very far down the line.

my point from being in a similar place with my ex girl and regret not chopping it on the head before hand, this txtin emailin smuff and flirting is addictive and a lot fo men and women can get hooked on it

Lady Funk

I know I'm being a thick about it. If it was happening to any of my friends I'd drag them out by the hair - that's part of the reason I haven't told them. Just wanted to get some opinions before rushing into anything or some hope that everything will be ok.

Always thought he had a phobia about commitment so never tried rushing him into anything. I'm kicking myself for not making a bigger deal of it right at the start, as excuses go there was loads of s**t going on my life and he was a distraction so I just voiced my opinion and let it go.

I hate being one of those girls that lets themselves get messed around - big blow to the confidence. I'm more angry at myself over the whole thing

funloving

Lady Funk wrote: »

I know I'm being a thick about it. If it was happening to any of my friends I'd drag them out by the hair - that's part of the reason I haven't told them. Just wanted to get some opinions before rushing into anything or some hope that everything will be ok.

Always thought he had a phobia about commitment so never tried rushing him into anything. I'm kicking myself for not making a bigger deal of it right at the start, as excuses go there was loads of s**t going on my life and he was a distraction so I just voiced my opinion and let it go.

I hate being one of those girls that lets themselves get messed around - big blow to the confidence. I'm more angry at myself over the whole thing

I hope now you don't feel as if you're the fool who let him treat you like this...don't torture yourself...
I only hope you'll think about what's the best for your life and make the right decision...
It's clear you love him and you hope he can change for the better and that you can live happily together...

Good luck for everything.

SarahSassy

Sherifu wrote: »

There was a very similar post to this yesterday about a guy txting other girls. I'll say the same two words again: Drop him. Reason: He's a cheater who hasn't cheated yet imo.

+ 1

I was in the same boat as you with a long term ex. Never got any proof he cheated but I didnt like his excuses and I didnt feel that his behaviour was what I wanted so it ended....

He will continue doing this. He may not be cheating per se but he is not respecting your concerns and you need to decide if you can live with it or not... Its that simple.

SarahSassy

Lady Funk wrote: »

Sorry - bit of confusion there; he was getting smut from girls not sending pictures of himself in the nip.

Thanks for all the replies so far. What if the dating website was just a for a laugh? I'm not defending him but had thought maybe him and one of the lads signed up for a joke. He mentioned a while about a thread on boards where one guy got talking to a close mates girlfriend and told him about it as soon as he discovered who it was. Would this prompt anyone to take a look and see what kinda people are on it?

Nothing has come up since we moved in together until this so had forgotten all about it and was trying to make a fresh start. I dread bringing up anything from the past considering everything had been so brilliant lately

Sounds like you have had these issues before??????

He has to be asking the girls for the pics otherwise no right minded person would send naked photos to someone who didnt want them. I dont mean to be horrible but wake up - he is not on the website as a joke!!!! As I said before he is not even apologetic... He is doing whatever he wants and damn the consequences.... Doesnt sounds like a man committed to his gf to me. Sorry

SarahSassy

Lady Funk wrote: »

I hate being one of those girls that lets themselves get messed around - big blow to the confidence. I'm more angry at myself over the whole thing

You can stop letting people mess you round right now... Now is your future and you can change that one issue and when you start to take control your confidence will increase....

Why are you angry at yourself??? Thats ridiculous.

Bottle_of_Smoke

I don't think he likes you as much as you think he does, anyone can say really nice things.

From what you've said I'd say he's already cheated on you. MAybe not serious cheating but he's probably scored girls while out or maybe even met up with a girl from the websites.

No one in a relationship goes on a dating website goes "for the laugh", the idea of it:rolleyes:. He's either using it to cheat or grooming girls for when you split. I can't believe you're okay with him sending filthy messages to other girls...are you actually ok with it or just scared he'll break up with you if you complain?

spinandscribble

he's treating you like muck. plus he knows he can get away with it. seriously just leave him.

SarahSassy

If you are not sure if he is or not then bide your time, register on the site and try to bait him... Sad to have to stoop to that level but you dont sound as if you believe / want to believe it....

funloving

Dump him....it's the best thing you can do for yourself.
You'll spend a lot of time wondering if he has cheated, if he met up with these girls and so on....you don't wanna spend months depressed or anything...

ALWAYS BETTER ALONE THAN WITH A BAD COMPANY

Lady Funk

I spent all last night thinking about it and I know I have to talk to him. Unfortunatly we've people staying with us until the weekend so have to stew for a couple of more days. At least it'll give me time to think about what I want to say. Can anyone see a way through this? If he admits to everything and apologises and I think it's genuine what am I supposed to do?

Could anyone get over this? Obviously the trust has been damaged and my own judgement is clouded by the fact that I care about him a lot even though he's been a complete tool. I want to try plan what's going to happen before I approach him

Sherifu

You need to decide if you believe him or not, I read your first post again, I would have said give him a chance except for 1 line

OP wrote:

nothing has happened since we moved or so I thought, now I've found out he's on one of those dating websites and has sent messages to a few girls - naked ones!

You have to decide if you trust him and what you want.

Mighty_Mouse

I'm crazy about him and thought he felt the same way about me. Although the idea of marriage has never come up we always assume

assume....................
how can 2 people be in a serious adult relationship and not know what their partners intentions are re marriage, future plans etc etc ..............

Sounds like you have zero power in the relationship & until you take some back nothing is gonna change.
A relationship doesnt work just because 1 party tries harder.

LegacyUser

same happened to me. he was saying it's nothing serious, that he loves me and he never cheated in rl. It went on for months - he was saying im not doing it anymore but still did. then i just told him: either me or them.
he stopped and as far as im aware he doesnt do it anymore. it can be painfull process for both of you. but if he really cares he will do his best. but you have to be tough and make him choose. if he doesn't want to change - dump him, he's a waste of your precious time.

GL

hugsr4free

I think the way he is blaming you for been parinod normally means he is trying to hide something, a good fright would earn you the truth and wheter he has respect for you.

hugsr4free

I have had experience in this, normally him acusing you of been mad and paro means he has something to hide. Give him the fright of his life pack up and go something drastic it will earn you the truth and in turn the respect you deserve.

Eve_Dublin

I met a guy recently enough who began sending me dirty texts and i responded to these with some apprehension initially but replied as i thought he was single and it was a bit of fun. After this went on for a while, we met up and something almost happened until something snapped and he realised what he was doing and confessed he had a girlfriend. It was actually me in the end who told him to go home to his girlf as i'd feel some solidarity with my fellow women and would NEVER touch a man with a girlfriend. I think he got the shock of his life when it went beyond just a few dirty texts and became a reality and he did feel guilty and was happy nothing happened but if i didn't set him straight and tell him the best thing to do was to return to his bird and tried it on, i think something would've happened. I don't think alot of girls would've cared if he was single or not.He should never have got himself into that situation and i have to say, i was fairly disgusted with him when i found out he had a girlf. He was living with her and he was sending texts in the middle of the night!!That's unbelievably disrespectful and plain seedy. It makes me shudder to think that he could've been lying beside her in bed and sending these texts.I was dump a man STRAIGHT AWAY if i found out he was doing this. This is not a thing men do normally so don't fool yourself.. It's the first sign of a cheat. This guy was definitely going to cheat if i didn't tell him to feck off home.Have a bit of respect for yourself.If you have to break-up, you'll have a broken heart but you'll get over it eventually.This guy is a potential cheat.

Lady Funk

Mighty_Mouse wrote: »

assume....................
how can 2 people be in a serious adult relationship and not know what their partners intentions are re marriage, future plans etc etc ..............

Sounds like you have zero power in the relationship & until you take some back nothing is gonna change.
A relationship doesnt work just because 1 party tries harder.

We just have never had any interest in marriage, we bought a house together and were planning on starting a family in 5/6 years. Nothing was set in stone but we agreeded this was what we wanted and always assumed this was the way our lives were going to go. To be honest he does give a lot to the relationship bar this whole problem.

hugsr4freeI think the way he is blaming you for been parinod normally means he is trying to hide something, a good fright would earn you the truth and wheter he has respect for you.

Blaming me for being paranoid was what got me suspicious in the first place. considering giving him a fright if talking to him goes no where this time.