Boyfriend & Ex stayin in my house

*Murphy*

have been going with the bf for almost 2 years now, im 20, hes 24 have our own place (which i own, he doznt pay rent) and things are going really really well. Ive always wanted to spend a summer in america and got a job offer for a 15 week work placement over there. I am over the moon about this, signed my contract and am now currently going through the visa formalities. he is delighted for me and knows its always been my dream and has been nothin but happy for me, which was one of the deciding factors for me going.
he was orignally planning on coming over with me for a few weeks but wont be able to afford it now due to previous commitments, his ex(they broke up because she didnt have a visa to stay here) and their child will be over(they live in russia) for 3 weeks while im away. all my friends think im mad, but i have said they can stay in the house while they are here...... i get on with the ex, and want to make things as good as possible for their daughter while they are here and i push all my negative thoughts bout bf cheating on me, because i really want her to have a good time, as her life isnt the best back home. they do creep up every now and again and i feel like calling the whole thing off.
I know i prob sound crazy..... im confused now!!

LegacyUser

i reckon you should go with your gut instinct-you don't believe there's anything to be suspicious about so don't wind yourself up!you'll only ruin your time in america and that's the whole pint of you going!
on another note; fair play to you for being so considerate of the mother of his child, you sound like you're a very secure person. Don't listen to the people trying to wind you up.

eve

First off, if there wasn't a child then I would say it was mad.

But there is and your partner is it's father. The child deserves to spend as much time with it's father as possible and at the moment that's not much as they live so far apart. It will be nice for them to sepnd time together.

As for the ex, that comes down to him and her and whether you believe that they will repect your relationship. You know him (and her to a certain amount it would seem) and it comes down to trust.

Sherifu

You have a very positive attitude and that's great. It's all about the trust between you and your boyfriend. Just don't let it ruin your time in the states. If it's going to be playing on your mind too much perhaps they could find some other arrangement. Otherwise it's all good.

*Murphy*

in the last 5 mins the ex has emailed me, saying how greatful she is and thanking me, which I really appricate. she has also said she would pay towards household costs while she is here, think I will tell her its up to my bf about that. she has also made it clear that she has no intentions on anything happening with the 2 of them, which has eased my mind alot. she has also invited me&my bf to russia next xmas to spend time with them.

its funny how one hour things can mash your brain and the next things are ok....

thanks for replies!!

Curvy Vixen

Ditto all of the above. Fair play to you, there are a lot who wouldn't entertain the idea at all! And it'll give your fella maximum amount of time with his child.

If someone is going to cheat on a partner they'll cheat on a partner! And nothing you could do will stop that ~ ignore the begrudgers!

MIN2511

Very nice of you, personally i wouldn't allow it. But then again i am single and i suppose you know your bf more than i or anyone here does for that matter.

All the best in America

BaZmO*

*Murphy* wrote: »

have our own place (which i own, he doznt pay rent)

Do you own it and pay a mortgage, or own it outright?

*Murphy*

I own it. it was left to me.

BaZmO*

*Murphy* wrote: »

I own it. it was left to me.

Oh ok. Was just wondering because I thought you were going to continue to pay the mortgage for him (and the ex and baby) while you were away. Now that'd be hard to do.

Other than that I'd say fairplay to ya. I suppose you knew what you were getting into when you started to see someone that had a kid with someone else, and you have to start the trust issue sometime as the kid will always be a part of his life as will the ex.

Mazeire

Jaysis thats an insane amount to have going on at 20! Look if they wanted to cheat, they would find a way to do it regardsless of wheather you put a roof over her head or not, so I say go for it.

*Murphy*

a im a mature 20
yeah gonna talk to himslef 2night and come to a final decision.
like do trust the both of them, but ya no that little niggle always in the back of your head. im gonna be off 100s of miles away from him im sure he is gonna have some concerns bout what im gonna do aswll...... i just realised that now

tbh

sounds like three sound people being sound here. OP, I think in situations like this, you just have to trust people. FWIW I think if they do let you down I'd be almost as gutted as you because i really really want to believe that three people can do the right thing for a child without anyone letting anyone else down. It's a statement of belief in good karma that you trust them, and I really really hope it works out ok.

TequilaMockingBird

When I read your initial post, I had red flags popping up - dosn't pay toward rent - wants ex and child to stay in your house while your away...

But reading your laters posts, I can rest easy! Your very kind, I hope he realises that. Enjoy your trip!

*Murphy*

thanks guys really appricate it!!!

yeah i think ive thought about it so much at this stage, it just seems the right thing to do. gonna mean buying matching bed clothes and cutlery though!!

maryjmul

ive read all the replies and i have to say you have got some pretty sound advice and alot of positive comments i dont know if i would be so accomadating but then probably im not as confidant as you ,remember what you are doing is a wonderful thing allowing you partner to have round the clock access to his child,his ex is quiet possibly a nice person but for me alarm bells are ringing in my head, most certainly do go on the work placement and enjoy your time there if anything is going to happen it will happen regardless and you will have no control over it but remember eventhough your only 20 you have the maturity of someone twice your age and it will stand you in good steed

regards mj;)

promethius

Maybe not a great idea since they have history together

Mazeire

*Murphy* wrote: »

thanks guys really appricate it!!!

yeah i think ive thought about it so much at this stage, it just seems the right thing to do. gonna mean buying matching bed clothes and cutlery though!!

See now that i'd leave up to him to sort out and pay for. You are being very generous already, what with him living there rent free and putting her and the kid up as well. Let him do his bit.

Curvy Vixen

promethius wrote: »

Maybe not a great idea since they have history together

I think that this is the very reason I would trust them to be honest ~ they broke up ~ there must be good reasons as to why that happened especially since they have a child. I wouldn't touch any of my ex's if they paid me in gold!

And as I said before, if the guy is gonna cheat, then he's gonna cheat. He won't need his ex staying with him in order to do that.

I hope it all works out well for all of you. I missed the fact earlier that you were only 20 OP and my respect for you has grown! A lot of 'younger' people wouldn't have the self assurance to deal with this situation this maturely ~ actually, not would a lot of 'older' people!

Aurora Borealis

Isn't trust a wonderful thing!

d_regal_jester

Wake Up!!!!!!!

Beruthiel

d_regal_jester wrote: »

Wake Up!!!!!!!

I suggest you read this forums charter before you get yourself banned.
B

biko

Well done OP! I'm sure it'll all work out for the best.

BeardyGit

With respect to you and your good nature, they do say ignorance is bliss. Are you happy to make excuses to yourself just because she's being nice and contacting you in advance, or are you happy with the situation because you believe in and trust your boyfriend to do the right thing, without fail?

I'm only asking this because people can be very convincing when they've had time out to scheme away. If she's been having a rough oul' time in Russia, what's the say she doesn't want more this summer from your lad, and that she's not just being nice to you 'til you're out of the way? I'm just playing devils advocate here, but didn't you write that they broke up because she didnt have a visa to stay here? Are you really in a position to confidently defend your boyfriends commitment to you over what may easily be unfinished romantic dealings with his ex?

I believe people want to do the right thing by each other most times, but there are many who will tell bare faced lies to improve their situation too. What's to say your blind trust isn't just blind ignorance in this case? I can imagine how tough it is to make that judgement call, but I'd really consider both possibilities a little longer before upping stakes and taking off to the US for a few months. There's an awful lot could happen at home in that time, under your own roof.


Good luck with the deliberations and the outcome, whatever the decision may ultimately be.

All the best,

Gil

estar

my thoughts are

why doesnt your ex stay with a friend and give the whole house to the ex
and child and visit them every day

it might be confusing for the child for them all to be in the one house
together for the holiday, if they have lived together previously.

that solves everything.

estar

i think its a fabulous generous thing to do

Overheal

You seem to be taking this very well which only seems to say you have a lot of genuine trust for your boyfriend and thats a very good thing: good sign of a strong and healthy relationship. I wouldn't worry about it; on the contrary, the time with his kid will do him well. Living with your dad and watching him removed from my 2 brothrs and sisters (and me btw) ... you miss them. If he hadn't the girlfriend that understood this and put up with them visiting then they'd have been doomed