Advise, GFs Ex

LegacyUser

Howdy,

Beein going out with a gurl for almost 5months now and we ar getting on great and have become really close.I love her like mad and she fells the same about me - she tells me this a lot and more than anthin she shows it all the time.

I am not a jeolous person by any stretch of the imagination but I do have a bit of a worry about this gurls ex.she waz going out with a guy for 5 years and broke up with him 6 months ago. about a month later we started going out. I have nown her for a year now. I have never met/spoken to her ex at anytime.they stay in regular contact through text and the odd phone call. and have met up once or twice (to sort out some financial and property issues).he says he over the hole break up thing and wants to be friends and hang out go to pictures drinking with her and all that. he doesnt know shes going out with anyone.

i have told her that i dont have a problem with her meeting up with him but i have told her that i think its really an odd situation to put herself in and if i was in her shoes i wouldnt entertain that at all. she doesnt want to upset him anymore than she already has and wants to go along with it but she says she finds it strange talking with him and would prefer to leave things alone for 6 - 12 months.

I am not really sure what I am asking here, maybe peoples views or experiences with such things. i trust her, theres no issue there but honestly speaking i dont feel comfortable with sucha situation. i dont want to spell that out for her in case she thinks ima jealous control freak or something like that.

Colonel_McCoy

I dont think she should be going to the cinema and for drinks with him......Its over for a reason ans she is with you for a reason....Surely they should have sorted out the financial situation by now. I mean an action plan whereby they dont have to ring\text.

From my experience, I started seeing somebody lately and my ex of 5 yrs made contact and I just fobbed her off. Its the only way to go, cruel to be kind.

do you think she is giving him some sort of false hope?

LegacyUser

Colonel_McCoy wrote: »

I dont think she should be going to the cinema and for drinks with him......Its over for a reason ans she is with you for a reason....Surely they should have sorted out the financial situation by now. I mean an action plan whereby they dont have to ring\text.

From my experience, I started seeing somebody lately and my ex of 5 yrs made contact and I just fobbed her off. Its the only way to go, cruel to be kind.

do you think she is giving him some sort of false hope?

I honesly dont think he is over the hole situation. he says stuff to her like i'm sure you have been with loads of people since we broke up etc... but i dont want you to tell me if you are seeing someone. To me that sounds like he hasn't gotten over it.
she cares about him a lot still which is understandable and does not want to mess him around anymore than she already has.

I am genuienly worried about it all and i really think she'd be better off telling him that she seeing someone and see does that change his approach. she doesnt want to say aything yet becoz hes acting weird and shes afraid it could push him over the edge...

Tobias Greeshman

Frank27 wrote: »

she cares about him a lot still which is understandable and does not want to mess him around anymore than she already has.

she doesnt want to say aything yet becoz hes acting weird and shes afraid it could push him over the edge...

How exactly has she messed him around?

He sounds very unstable. If I were your gf, I'd tell him that I'm seeing someone else and I don't think we should see each other as much. If he takes it badly, then she can ring his family or friends to keep an eye on him. It shouldn't be her problem anymore about upsetting him.

LegacyUser

She broke up with him and he didnt want that and they were living together and had a mortgage and things like that...

AnonoBoy

If she's going to continue meeting up with him (which is a bad idea IMHO) she needs to tell him she's seeing someone.

It's not fair on the guy to let him think she's still available. I know he said he's over it but that's exactly what people say in these situations (I've said it and not meant it and have had it said to me when it obviously wasn't true). He thinks if they spend time together she will realise she's missing him and it will all work out for everyone.

That won't happen.

Here's what will happen:

She will continue to meet up with him. He will continue to think she's single and read the signals wrong and think there's a chance for them. He will inadvertently find out that she's actually been seeing someone for months and it will be worse for him than if she told him the truth now. He will feel like he's been lied to and played for a fool and will resent her bitterly.

So - if she is going to continue to meet with him she must tell him she's seeing someone else. If she doesn't want to tell him this (which is understandable) then she must cease to meet up with him and keep contact to the minimum amount required to deal with whatever financial or property issues need to be dealt with.

Believe me - I have been in the ex's position. It's better if she's honest with him.

Seraphina

she was with him 5 years?

you probably dont want to hear this, but there's no way she's over him, and there's no way she's as in love with you as she says, there's was only a month between the two of you ffs!

serial monogamist tbh, the kind of girl that 'needs' to be in a relationship, and falls totally in love with every guy she goes out with :rolleyes:

BaZmO*

Yeah 5 years is a long time to be going out with someone and to then start a relationship a month later seems a bit too soon. However, she's the one who finished so the relationship was probably finished for her a lot earlier.

As the ex was the one that was dumped I'd say he is definitely still pining for your gf. Fair enough that your gf says that she wants to be just friends with him but what type of friends lie to each other about whether or not they are seeing someone?

By her continuing to see him, for essentially dates without the sex, she's making it very difficult for him to get over her. There may be nothing it in from her side but it does sound like she's trying to ease the guilt of dumping him by continuing to see him as "friends".
She needs to take the comfort blanket away from him and let him get on with his life.

LegacyUser

Seraphina wrote: »

she was with him 5 years?

you probably dont want to hear this, but there's no way she's over him, and there's no way she's as in love with you as she says, there's was only a month between the two of you ffs!

serial monogamist tbh, the kind of girl that 'needs' to be in a relationship, and falls totally in love with every guy she goes out with :rolleyes:

I was the reason for the break up. But we left it a month to get together properly due to the various messes that had to be cleaned up etc...

MIN2511

I dated my ex for 5 yrs, we broke up(i broke it off) i moved on, we kept intouch. Actually quite close, he now has a gf but still wants to keep intouch. The thing is he claims he "loves" her so much but if i text/rang him at an odd time for anything he would do it.....
It's over a year but i still think of him, i am over him now but i spent 5 yrs of my life dating him. I can't throw that away

Wibbs

Seraphina wrote: »

she was with him 5 years?

Long time indeed and such a time needs to be processed. If not....

you probably dont want to hear this, but there's no way she's over him, and there's no way she's as in love with you as she says, there's was only a month between the two of you ffs!

I agree, she's not over the ex but maybe not in an obvious way.

IMHO a couple of things are possible here:

She doesn't see him in a sexual way anymore and can't see a future for them together as a couple, but she's still emotionally attached. He's her safety net. Very common, masquerading as "but he's my friiiiend!!! wah wah". He's not and she's not being a friend to him in that situation. My answer to that? She needs to let him go. She dumped him so she has to wo(man) up and accept the consequences of that which includes the loss of that emotional attachment. Simple as.

Second she may be still attracted to him but is attracted to you more which is why she jumped ship in the first place. To justify that to herself she will claim she loves you like no other before within too short a time frame. Big red flag btw.

The codicil to that is that she was looking for an out, but as Seraphina points out she may be the type who can't be on her own, can't make a decision without a self justified reason and you came along so she projected that need to leave onto you. You were in the right place at the right time. Again she'll love you soooo much very quickly, to justify that position. You were a catalyst in her decision and as someone pointed out to me recently catalysts get left behind in a reaction.

Thirdly, she may simply like the attention. Again very common and indeed understandable. Again she needs to grow a pair, grow up, not be selfish and let him go. She made her decision so stick with it.

In the end, someone who jumps that fast is generally looking for an escape. Actually more than an escape, they're looking for a bridge to a new life as well. If you're lucky that new life takes root, if not when the roses and hearts are gone, so are you. I can count on the fingers of one hand that's been involved in a threshing machine accident those kinda relationships that have worked out. That's how rebounds happen. A rebound is a relationship where the old relationship is still in play in some way. There are three people in the couple, even if the third is absent.

Enjoy it day to day and see how it goes. You may be one of the exceptions that proves the rule. I'm not saying that to put you off, merely that you may have to work harder when the the first flush of passion wears off.

The red flag I see here, that make me doubt you will be the exception is that they are still in regular contact. I would put a small fortune that they're in more contact than you know about. He wants to socialise with her and indeed she's open to that too. Don't always mistake her telling you this for honesty. It could be, but it could equally be a mixture of guilt and by telling you it makes her feel better.

A more ideal situation would be, if she had left him for you, broke all contact(beyond tying up loose ends), took it slow with you and had processed this more, then I would be more confident. As it is.....

As for her ex? He's not over her(as you feel yourself). Not by a long shot. If he was, then you would have met him. She would have been happy to do so too. I have exes I'm over and wouldn't have any problem meeting their current squeeze and they wouldn't have any problem meeting me.

serial monogamist tbh, the kind of girl that 'needs' to be in a relationship, and falls totally in love with every guy she goes out with :rolleyes:

Rinse and repeat, until such times as she becomes tired of looking or thinks time is running out and then stays put with someone. Not a marriage made in heaven.

Put it this way OP, I've had every single significant ex come back and in every single case it went like you are describing now for the other guy.

The thing is you're caught between a rock and a hard place. If you put your foot down over this, beyond looking boorish, you may actually drive her back to him. If you are "fine" with all this it will work out better but you have to set some boundaries, cos if you don't, her respect for you will dwindle. A mature man has boundaries and women know, want and respect that. They're dead right too as mature women should have the same.

IRISH RAIL

Top advice from wibbs there I dont think anyone can add to that

BaZmO*

Wibbs wrote: »

and as someone pointed out to me recently catalysts get used up in a reaction.

Actually, sorry to be pedantic but a catalyst helps a reaction takes place without being used up itself.

Delganys Finest

Bang on Bazmo,a catalyst remains unchanged.
To the OP I'd have to agree with Wibbs and Serephina (to an extent).
Mind yourself Frank first and foremost.
It all sounds dodge to me

Wibbs

BaZmO* wrote: »

Actually, sorry to be pedantic but a catalyst helps a reaction takes place without being used up itself.

Off topic. watch it or you're banned.. Yea true mixing my metaphors here. I meant to say a catalyst gets left behind. Or something....

That's the main thing OP watch yourself first. It just doesn't gel with me as a situation. It sounds like you've got rebound written all over your face if you're not very careful.

promethius

She needs to be mindful of your feelings in this and do what needs to be done to address that.

Wibbs

promethius' post sums it up in a far more concise way than my own ramblings. In a situation like this it can end up that it's all about her and not your feelings on the matter. You do need to establish what's what.

LegacyUser

Hi
I really appreciate the responses etc...

While I dont disagree with anything that has been said and I understand where a lot of the points are coming from and indeed agree that they are serious issues that require thought. But I suppose were do you draw the line .. 5 months down the road and everything is going great with us, at what point in time (if any) do you push away thoughts like this and accept that everything she says and does is true and honest.

The other thing I didnt mention and really I'm not sure if it makes any difference but I left a long-term relationship to be with her, the thing is in my case, I was unhappy for nearly 2 years and I know that what I feel now is genuine, my gf was in a similar situation, so if I trust myself and no that my own feelings are true, how can I doubt (not just what I hear but what she shows me), would that be hypocritical? (SP?)

BaZmO*

Frank27 wrote: »

The other thing I didnt mention and really I'm not sure if it makes any difference but I left a long-term relationship to be with her, the thing is in my case, I was unhappy for nearly 2 years and I know that what I feel now is genuine, my gf was in a similar situation, so if I trust myself and no that my own feelings are true, how can I doubt (not just what I hear but what she shows me), would that be hypocritical? (SP?)

You would only be hypocritical if you were still seeing your ex for drinks and pictures, etc. and didn't tell her about your new gf and still had issues with your new gf seeing her ex.

Actually, are you still seeing your ex? If not, ask your current girlfriend how she'd feel if you were.

LegacyUser

BaZmO* wrote: »

You would only be hypocritical if you were still seeing your ex for drinks and pictures, etc. and didn't tell her about your new gf and still had issues with your new gf seeing her ex.

Actually, are you still seeing your ex? If not, ask your current girlfriend how she'd feel if you were.

I am not seeing her. Because it was a very acrimonious break up in the end and we dont talk at all anymore...

Mazeire

Frank27 wrote: »

Hi
I really appreciate the responses etc...

While I dont disagree with anything that has been said and I understand where a lot of the points are coming from and indeed agree that they are serious issues that require thought. But I suppose were do you draw the line .. 5 months down the road and everything is going great with us, at what point in time (if any) do you push away thoughts like this and accept that everything she says and does is true and honest.

The other thing I didnt mention and really I'm not sure if it makes any difference but I left a long-term relationship to be with her, the thing is in my case, I was unhappy for nearly 2 years and I know that what I feel now is genuine, my gf was in a similar situation, so if I trust myself and no that my own feelings are true, how can I doubt (not just what I hear but what she shows me), would that be hypocritical? (SP?)

If from what I understand from your post, what you are trying to say is that because you both come from simliar situations, that because you are finished with your ex and are fully ready to move on, that your new g/f should feel the same?
Don't be daft. Different people react differently to things. There is no one standard to fit all in any situation. Especially break ups.
A friend of mine was going out with a guy 4 years, finished with him and started going out with someone else a month later. She still met her ex for coffee, rang for chats etc. 6 months later she realised she still loved her ex, and asked him to get back with her. He refused. She is still with the new guy, but heartbroken and very messed up.
IMO, for someone to truly move on from a long term relationship, time on your own is needed. If you bounce from one to another, where does the old relationship end and the new one begin?
You both sound like serial monogomists, who get in to relationships for the sake of having one rather than be on your own. Tbh I think she still has one foot in her last relationship and you are the rebound guy.

LegacyUser

Mazeire wrote: »

If from what I understand from your post, what you are trying to say is that because you both come from simliar situations, that because you are finished with your ex and are fully ready to move on, that your new g/f should feel the same?
Don't be daft. Different people react differently to things. There is no one standard to fit all in any situation. Especially break ups.
A friend of mine was going out with a guy 4 years, finished with him and started going out with someone else a month later. She still met her ex for coffee, rang for chats etc. 6 months later she realised she still loved her ex, and asked him to get back with her. He refused. She is still with the new guy, but heartbroken and very messed up.
IMO, for someone to truly move on from a long term relationship, time on your own is needed. If you bounce from one to another, where does the old relationship end and the new one begin?
You both sound like serial monogomists, who get in to relationships for the sake of having one rather than be on your own. Tbh I think she still has one foot in her last relationship and you are the rebound guy.

Nah, sorry thats not what I am saying. I am saying I know I have moved on and I am happy at the moment etc... I'm not saying that because I feel that way that she must also too.. of course not, I am well aware that every individual is different.

What I am saying is that should I just jump to conclusions that she doesnt feel the way she says and acts towards me and assume that she;s still "locked" in the past. She has told me she doesn;t want to go back and that she has no feelings etc... for her ex and that she's really happy with how things have developed with us etc... Should I not just trust her with that? Essentially what I meant was I tell her that I've moved on have no desire to go back to the past and am happy now, and she accepts that.... most of the responses on the thread (and believe me, I dont disagree with any of the stuff people have said and I do appreciate people's opinion) suggest that she;s living in the past and that its a rebound thing etc... She accepts what I say and trusts me? should I not to do the same?

or should I find out the real lie of the land by giving her an ultimatum like:

"I'm not happy that you talk to ur ex and I certainly wouldn't like you to ever meet up with him and if you want to do any of that then we're finished".

To be honest I wouldnt like to go down that road. Maybe its my own fault in some ways... she has asked would I mind if she kept up contact etc... and I said I wouldnt but said I thought it was weird... etc... maybe If i had of said I really dont want you to do that then I might not even be on boards.ie discussing this topic...
Bottom line is I dont really have that much of a problem providing I can trust her - she hasn't given me a reason not to. Obviously my preference is that she never heard from him again but I know life doesn't work like that either...

Aurora Borealis

If he can't even take knowing she's seeing someone else then no he's not over her at all but my concern would be that she has not told him she is. She should not be hiding your relationship and I would worry as to her motives for this. Does she want to keep him hanging on in there..
One month is not long at all to get over a big relationship and does smack of serial monogamy I fear. Never did understand why people do that. It's literally, as posited here already, like a staying on some emotional roundabout with no time or space taken to breath or assess what has gone wrong with the previous relationship and therefore no insights gained before entering into the next.

Mazeire

Aurora Borealis wrote: »

If he can't even take knowing she's seeing someone else then no he's not over her at all but my concern would be that she has not told him she is. She should not be hiding your relationship and I would worry as to her motives for this. Does she want to keep him hanging on in there..
.

+1
Op sorry i got the wrong end of the stick earlier on. This girl sounds confused as hell though.
And thats the nice version.
Someone more cynical prehaps would say she's having her cake and eating it, hot sex with a new guy, the power trip that she's still hot enough to have someone leave their partner for her and the emotional stability and friendship with the old guy. All hassle and confrontation free from both of ye.
Lucky i'm not cynical eh?;)