Love her and hate her

LegacyUser

Hi, usual story, girlfriend left me just after christmas, we were together for nearly 4 years and lived together for alot of it. We were really good together, we both loved being with each other, doing things together and we could talk about anything. Any problems that arose for either of us we would get through together. I was always really good to her, always considering her with everything i did, and was always there for her.

Anyway, her feelings changed and she just drifted from the relationship, this made me miserable so i knew myself that it had to end, which it did.

we were still friends which i thought was good, doing things together without any thoughts of us getting back together, however this started to eat at me as i realised that i still love her, would do anything for her, so i told her that i needed alot of time before i could see her again.this hurt so much but i know i need it

anyway, now i feel angry with her for leaving me, and find myself looking back over what we had, and how she treated me in the end, and it annoys me so much, as i didnt deserve that.

ive been going out, meeting lots of people, chatting up girls, have no problem here, only thing is il chat up this really attractive girl but i just wont feel anything, il just think, she's nice, but not anything compared to my ex

Anyway, what does one do? how long will it take to feel normal again. I feel like ive such a void in my life now and am finding it hard to motivate myself at work,which ive always loved,now writing messages here instead,haha

i know this isnt anything unusual, just a part of life, but i needed to get it off my chest. Im angry, numb, but at the same time i know my future will be great, i know it wasnt meant to be and il meet someone who's better for me, however i just want to feel good now

thanks for reading, excuse the rambling

togster

Been there. All i can say is that what you are feeling is perfectly normal. The range of emotions you are experiencing are natural and must be experienced in order to move on. There is no expiration date on when you will stop comparing others to your ex. I still do it 4 mths later. You will get through this. It's important to go throught the cycles of grief. Understanding why it happened is important, and also understanding that you are the controller of how you are feeling. I am a firm believer that an emotion is something you can control, albeit not eliminate. You control the extent of your hatred and sadness.

Predhead

As for how long it'll take to get over her - I would normally about a year. You have to go through you're first Christmas without her, birthday, summer, holiday...and after that you WILL start to feel a lot better. Not saying you're gonna only start to feel better until then, but I would say after that period of time, you will be over her completely.

That's what happened with me..and a friend of mine. You'll be right.

john_aero

yes must be one fo lifes hardest times ever. it will take some time and your going have lots of emotional moments, like fav songs and places. simple things will remind you and make life difficult. this is time where your friends will come into play and remind you your not alone and help you move on. some people take longer get over things. i took ages move on and then 1day i just met a girl and life changed so much better.

it will take time and just remember to let it out and not to try put macho face on all the time

Aura

Don't feel there's some set formula for getting over someone you loved. It takes however long it takes and four months isn't that long at all. It's nigh on eight months for me now and I still think of my ex a lot, partly because things between us even on a friendship level took a nosedive over Christmas so I have many regrets around it. With regard to fancying other people I do think you have to give yourself a little push sometimes to get out there again but in saying that if it has to be too big a push then pay attention to it because you're just not ready and need to give yourself time. Can't emphasise that enough. Last time round for me I tried too hard to feel something for someone else because the someone else was so sure we were meant to be together and stuck at it even when I expressed my doubts. Things didn't feel right but I pushed myself because I felt I should have been ready and he was a great guy. I wasn't at all and it set me back greatly unraveling that mess on top of still having feelings for my ex. You will get there and don't beat yourself if it takes you longer than it does others. Some people just do take longer and that's normal too.

af_thefragile

Just been there myself.

All i can say is dude, try to stop thinking bout her. Don't let her take over your mind. Keep yourself occupied with other things you like to do. Atleast for now don't give her thoughts any room in your mind.

I know its a horrible feeling. But sometimes all you can do is just suck it up and move on. She's gone and you've gotta accept that and find a new life now. She's nothing more than just fragments of memories and a the name, a trace or a scar left in your mind.
She's the past and what she is now is not the person who was with you before. She's a different person now and your gf is gone. She's gone leaving behind a bunch of memories, feelings and emotions.
Think of it as your gf is dead. She just died the day she left you. She's gone forever and now nothing can bring her back. The person who shares her name is someone else. But your gf is dead. You've been to her funeral, you've moaned enough over her demise. Its time to go.

You can't get yourself caught up in all of these feelings and emotions. Its a vicious spiral that will take your right down to the dead bottom. Trust me, it left me at the bottom most point of my life. Why's don't get your anywhere. So stop pondering over questions that begin with Why. Really, just stop. You're thinking too much if you're asking why.

You've got a life to live. Don't ruin it behind this one girl. She's probably out there living her life fine. Why do you wanna be left behind here. Go out there with a fresh new feeling. With a new confidence. Everyday is a new day. There's something new to happen, something exciting, maybe something that can change your life. Don't let the day pass away in stupid thoughs of the girl that get you nowhere. Go outside and life your life. Dude, **** happenes. You've just gotta deal with it and move on.

You've got two options here.
1. Keep thinking bout her all day long as you already are and waste away a good few months/years of your life in this turmoil you've put yourself in. Asking why's and wondering if you'll ever find anyone like her again. Maintaining yourself in the current train wreck you're in. or,

2. Accept it she's gone. Why would you even want someone like her again. Someone who couldn't even commit to you for a descent amount of time and just leaves you at the end of the day all by yourself yourself. Know it for a fact that you'll find someone again. Someone who's not like her, someone who's better, someone who won't let you down at the end of the day. Start living your life today rather than wasting more time moaning over her. You don't need anyone in your life. You'll be fine by yourself. Show this to yourself and the world. Don't ruin your life over a girl who didn't deserve it. Its not worth it. Move on with your life. Its a new change for you. Its an eye opener. Take the opportunity. Learn from your mistakes. Ask What went wrong instead of Why it went wrong. Ask what made her leave your instead of Why she left you. ASk how you're gonna make your life better now. Ask how you're gonna get all the things you wanna see in your life in the future. Why's get you nowhere. Its the Whats and How that change your world.

Stop thinking bout her. Its a vicious spiral. Get out of it. Don't waste your life behind her. Go out there, live your life!

Aura

I agree in theory with a lot of what you're saying fragile but I do believe you have to go through the stuff you're feeling in order to deal with it. We're human and it's just not as easy as erasing someone who was obviously of huge importance from memory. Maybe that works for someone, hell my ex is certainly doing a good job of it and he has his reasons but if that's not your make-up then it's not. It's sh&*t but at least when you do get there and you will because you will meet someone who does love you enough to stay with you through thick and thin, you'll know you've stayed true to your emotions and haven't just bottled it all up or switched off like some robot.

OP you're probably doing better than you even realise if you're out and about and even partly open to new people.

Puffin

To be honest, I’d spend less time, A LOT less time, with her.

The way I see it, when a relationship is rocky you have two chooses- either stay in the relationship, be loyal and committed and lap up all the love and support you earn OR end the relationship, be single, independent and free, but accept that you are now no longer entitled to ask the other person for constant love and care.

Sadly, it's impossible to be swinging single but also maintain all the support you'd get with a partner.

Now that you have both made the decision to be apart I reckon you need to spend less time with her, and more time with other friends or by yourself. And when you do see her try to invest less in her- chat, laugh but don’t be willing to drop plans to be by her side and workshop her issues. That was fine when she was your girlfriend but not any more.

Likewise, when you are lonely or hurting you need to turn to other people, it’s no longer ‘her job’ to be there for you.

I know this advise sounds really harsh but I really do say this to help. I reckon you will surprise yourself by how strong you are. Good luck.

LegacyUser

Hey, thank you all for replying, all good advice.

Yeah,i realised that staying in touch with her (at the moment at least ) was killing me, so for the next few months we're not going to contact each other, until i feel comfortable with my life, and i dont feel i need her.

Also, i know how to deal with it in my head, and have been doing so many things that i would never have done when i was with her, i just however need time to get her out of my heart.

i just really needed to write how i felt here as it was just going around in my head, actually feel relieved now to have shared my thoughts, feel free now

Thank you all

Colonel_McCoy

Cut all contact

carlos30

hi Lads , I dont usually respond to any issue is this personal forum

but just going on experience and I have been around the block a few times

i am just assuming your not in your mid thirties or anything but

I feel for what its worth that all younger guys and guys in early relationships

tend to do all the running in relationships and indeed end up smothering the person the love and nearly always end up getting badly dumped

its the worst trait a person can do to either guy or girl , but I think at almost some stage in a blokes life we have all done it

I personally feel that , you have to create a balance in a relationship and well not going entirely alpha male you do have to back of a bit and let the lady do the chasing

ie by not being there for her at every whim or getting or flowers everyday blah blah blah

i know I will probably have some girls on this disagreeing with this

but lads to be honest I always found it has worked for me , and its put the guy firmly in control and put the guy in the positon to do the dumping

and guy that says different in lying or he is completely under the thump of his woman

its a fact guys are turning into girls and girls are turning into guys

forget this new man bull , who cries and expresses his emotions bring back the alpha male

cheers carlos

af_thefragile

Aura wrote: »

I agree in theory with a lot of what you're saying fragile but I do believe you have to go through the stuff you're feeling in order to deal with it. We're human and it's just not as easy as erasing someone who was obviously of huge importance from memory. Maybe that works for someone, hell my ex is certainly doing a good job of it and he has his reasons but if that's not your make-up then it's not. It's sh&*t but at least when you do get there and you will because you will meet someone who does love you enough to stay with you through thick and thin, you'll know you've stayed true to your emotions and haven't just bottled it all up or switched off like some robot.

OP you're probably doing better than you even realise if you're out and about and even partly open to new people.

Well, what i wrote up there was all from my own personal experience.
I myself had a major heart break a few months ago and i doubt if i have still completely recovered from it. It was one of the worst and toughest time of my life. I literally had no one around and had to deal with it all by myself. But from what i've been through i've learned a lot. It has changed the person i'm now for the better and it had made me a much stronger and confident person.

I did do it all, trying to be friends, was good to her, was harsh to her, hurt her, hurt myself, ended up destroying everything we had between us and now we haven't spoken a word to eachother for months. Doubt we'll ever speak to eachother again. But at the end of the day it was a good thing i got away from her. I tried many times being friends with her but everything i had to go away. I realised you really can't be friends with someone from whom you want more than friendship. And thats how it is! You can't be friends with your ex if you've still got feelings for her. Its just gonna end up getting you caught up in the vicious spiral again.

SO best thing really to do is to leave it all behind (its not easy, no one is asking you to forget it either, just leave the past behind n look forward), and move on with a new life. A little discovery about yourself and life. You'll come out much better and complete.

Wibbs

Cut all contact. You can't be her friend. Not now and probably not ever. It will be unbalanced. Indeed why bother? Anyone who says lets be friends after dumping someone else is always doing it for selfish reasons. Always. They either say it to alleviate their guilt by letting the dumped "down easy", or they do it to keep the person as a backup in case things go pear shaped, or keep the person as an emotional bridge to the next lover. Lovers to friends is a downgrade in 99.99999% of cases. Don't be a shoulder to cry on if other parts of your anatomy are not involved.

This will pass and you'll be the stronger for it. While carlos30 may come across as somewhat misogynist, he's right more than he's wrong. Certainly when it comes to doing too much. It depends on the woman though. In general I will say that in my experience the less you do(within reason) and certainly the less emotional and "sensitive" you are the more you will be respected. Respect keeps the spark alive. The second a woman loses that(or trust) is the second she starts to look on you as a non sexual being and starts to think of you as a "friend". They stop seeing you as a viable father to their potential kids. Most of the time they won't express or even be able to put their finger on it, but that's it.