Does everyone feel this way?

LegacyUser

I don't have a lot of confidence. Im 19 now, and I feel that Im a lot better now than I used to be, sometimes I actually feel like I've become a confident person but after a little while, all my old insecurities come back and I reaslize with a thump that nothing has really changed. Whenever I enter a new social situation eg: college, new job, new course etc, I push myself to socialize with other people and everything seems fine for a few weeks, but then I seem to notice them getting close-knit with eachother while Im still on the 'aquaintance' level. I feel like I do things that make me seem weird and make them not like me. I'm very unsure of myself, I always have this niggling worry that Im not doing good enough, I feel like I always need to have someone's permission. Most of the time, I need someone reinforcing what I think is the best thing to do. Im just so afraid of being unliked and excluded... I ask myself if they can do it why can't I?
My question is, since I'm not very secure or confident is this pushing people away and making my performance at work/college worse, or maybe my nature makes me over-analyse the situation?Maybe everyone feels this way from time to time, but it's almost constant for me.

Pen1987

To a degree, yes.

If you stop doubting yourself, people will stop thinking you're "weird" (they probably dont anyway, its probably paronia)... I'm not Freud but IMO its not the things people do that make others think they're "weird" in my opinion, its how people behave after they've done/said something that they think others might think, is weird.

You can get away with saying/doing pretty much anything (to a point) if you say it with confidence and act like you dont care what people think after you do/say it.

Being completely arrogant can even get people to love being around you if you do "right". (dont try though, its a personality more than a personality trait)

Thats how lads who say stupid arrogant things like "man my guns are huge today" always seem to have a crowd of lads around them. I know some ridiculous characters who just ouze "assholeness" but do it with enough confidence and charisma to get away with it.

This is a stupid example but here goes:

(I've no doubt you'll have to re-read some of these sentences because of the "he said that you said that he said that..." etc. sorry...)

Saying that stupid **** "man, my guns a big today" WILL get one of the other lads to reply with a "shut the **** up man, youre a skinny ****" type of response.

The difference between being an "aqquaintance" and "one of the lads" is how the lad commenting on his guns reacts to the others reaction... replying with "ah relax man, Im only taking the piss" will indicate that you dont know the other fella well enough to know that he knows you're taking the piss (meaning you both are distant emotionally)... replying with "hah, you just jealous of my god-like physique" is the type of response that is confident, funny, self-deprecating and more-importantly shows that you're confident, back yourself up, and that you understand that he understand that you're taking the piss.

AnonoBoy

Also you are only 19. I know it seems like you've done all the growing up that you're going to do but there's a way to go yet.

College is the place when you will find yourself starting to come into your own and becoming your own person. It won't happen suddenly (and I dont' think insecurities ever fully go away) but you will find yourself not caring too much what other people think and just doing and being the person you want to be and feel comfortable being.

The me of now (mid 20's) and the me of my late teenage years are so far apart as regards behaviour in social situations as to almost be a completely different person.

af_thefragile

Hey, i think its pretty common.

I was about the same when i was 18-19 too. Though i'm just 20 now, i'm still a little like that. But then after a point you do start to realise what you're doing is no good and well, change your ways to something that projects more confidence.

It'll take time. It'll take a lot of time. Its a slow gradual process, but you'll get there eventually as long as you keep your eyes open and stay aware of others and yourself.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the advice, its good to know that some people feel the same way and tthat being 1 of the lads is when u dont have to tell them ur joking..

It just really gets me down sometimes, especially when people get my name wrong, or think im someone else, I feel like im invisible and that thought gets me so down that i feel physically sick. I'm also under a lot of pressure in college and a few days ago when i first wrote this i felt like i was in a big black hole. I wished that I wasnt alive, but im not suicidal, i didnt actually plan to do anything to myself.

I have considered counselling but these dark moods, though they're hell when Im going through them,don't last for any longer than a few days. They just seem to come back often but I don't know if it warrents depression and Im afraid a counseller would just scoff at me, since when I write out my problems they seem ridiculous, and when I try to talk about them, I cant get the right words out, I just know how much pain they cause me at the time and how much pain the memories cause me, even years later.

LegacyUser

I was the same at your age, as were many people I knew (although I didn't know that at the time). How other people got from the casual aquaintance stage at college/work to hanging out all the time baffled me and I felt I was constantly an outsider, no matter how much effort I put in. It got to the stage where I was avoiding them cos I preferred to rush off looking busy when class ended rather than hang about pathetically on the edge of the group trying to make conversation with someone who was barely paying attention to me.

Moment of greatest embarassment was in final year (!) when a girl in my class asked me was I new- she had genuinely never noticed me before despite me knowing her name etc. Fortunately by then I had got way more confident (enough to make a joke of my non-entity status) and ended up pretty good friends with the group I constantly had class with. It gets easier as your time in college goes on cos classes get smaller, particularly in final year so the opportunity to get to know people on a less superficial level increases.

I wish I could go back and tell my 19yr old self not to worry so much about it- that confidence comes with age.

Crannog

I am so sorry that you feel this way about yourself. I would encourage you to talk with a counsellor and I would like to reassure you that you will not be scoffed at. You are in pain and that's serious and not a bit funny.

Can I recommend a self help book here? It is: Overcoming Social Anxiety & Shyness by Gillian Butler.

But, working on this problem alone, even with all of us here in boards rooting for ya, may not be enough and you would definately learn a lot from counselling.

Best of luck.