Should i drop this case?

IrishHomer

Folks,

I could write all day but will keep this as short as possible.

I am living with my two young sons aged 8yrs and 9yrs and my pertner who i am with for 11yrs.

Her two sons aged 23 and 21yrs also live with us.

The 21yr old son is the wild one and he gets into a lot of trouble over the past few yearsa and its always associated with drink and whatever else goes with that.

Anyway he pays nothing towards household bills and at Christmas i confronted him in the kitchen and my partner wast present.

A lot of shouting started and next thing he headbutted me and broke my nose. I spent the eveneing in A&E and after one week the nose healed and i did not need any operation to mend it etc.

Anyway this chap continues to live with us and i have serious problem with him in the house. Heis father lives the other end of the country and doesn't ever spend time with him or take him away for a weekend or anything. I was so furious with him last week that i went to the Gardai and i reported the incident i also have photographs of th edamage and hospital report.

My partner is furious and she wants me to drop the case.

Waht should i do?

pickarooney

What has your partner done/suggested as an alternative sanction to criminal proceedings?
Is she basically OK with her son assaulting people?

Beruthiel

IrishHomer wrote: »

My partner is furious and she wants me to drop the case.

Waht should i do?

What do you think you should do?

IrishHomer

She has done nothing, except i went to see a councillor and she came along too for one of the two visits.

I have a lot of temper rage buit up inside me and every time i see him lounging around the house being pampered by his "mammy" i get so angry. The councillor advised me to have an escape route and just get out and go away til i cool down.

This same chap gave me 7year old son a black eye last year too! Back then i did not do anything about it i let it go and now i regret i didn't report that too at the time.

I feel as if my partner and all her family expect me to drop it for her sake as she get very upset about it and i love her and feel sorry for her as she has a lot on her plate too.

AnonoBoy

He gave your 7 year old a blackeye and neither you or your partner did anything about it?

I'm sorry but that is ridiculous. How could you let him punch a child and not do anything?

Sherifu

If it was me i'd see the case through. You've already let him away with assaulting your son once.

Colonel_McCoy

You should have reported him after he hit your son. Its obvious yourself and your children are not safe in the house with this animal. Your first priority is to protect your children and clearly this thug would have no problem doing it again.
Press charges and if your partner gets the hump, move out.............what happens next he comes home drunk and head butts your child.

Your children dont server to live in a house full of violence.

helimachoptor

Op Why dont you talk to him and in a "if you step out of line again i'm going to f**k you up good and proper" way. I'm not advocating violence but he has to think he prepared to give him and ass kicking of a life time. He has hit your soon and nothing happened. He has broke your nose and again nothing (depending on whether you do what your partner wants).

He thinks he is in control of that house. If your worried about him beating you up. Get a couple of friends to sit in on this chat.

IrishHomer

I moved out last week after i went to the Gardai.

After a couple of days my heart was breaking and i moved back as i missed my sons and partner too much, it was worst few days of my life.

I then i moved back i said that every weekend i am taking the kids away for overnight trips to my parents house or sisters place etc.

I don't feel safe when he is aroung and also for the fact that i too could explode when he is around and do something to regret.

justsomebloke

Ok you are with your partner 11 years and the kid is 21. Which pretty much means that he was 10 when you started going out so in all respects you have probably been a main contributor on how he has been brought in his adolescent life. So taking that into consideration do you count him as your son or your step son? And if in 10 years if one of the younger sons did that to your wife would you be pressing charges against him too then?

IrishHomer

I don't regard him as my stepson, i have always kept my distance from him as his father told me to at the start.

humanji

What has your partner said about all this? If she's still doing nothing, then take your kids and get out. It's not a healthy environment and as said above, your kids come first. Think of what's best for them. Have you said anything to your partner about her son moving out?

IrishHomer

humanji wrote: »

What has your partner said about all this? If she's still doing nothing, then take your kids and get out. It's not a healthy environment and as said above, your kids come first. Think of what's best for them. Have you said anything to your partner about her son moving out?

Yes i have,

She won't throw him out and his dfather threatened me for suggesting it. I told the Gardai about him threatening me too.

justsomebloke

IrishHomer wrote: »

I don't regard him as my stepson, i have always kept my distance from him as his father told me to at the start.

So you have probably been bossing him around for years without treating him as your son and then confronting him about not contributing to the household without getting his mam to ask. Wow no wonder he probably hates you.

Also are the 2 younger kids from your current partner or a previous one

IrishHomer

jsb wrote: »

So you have probably been bossing him around for years without treating him as your son and then confronting him about not contributing to the household without getting his mam to ask. Wow no wonder he probably hates you.

Also are the 2 younger kids from your current partner or a previous one

Your way off the mark there!

I have never bossed him i am not that kind of person.

Kids are with current partner. She owns the family home too.

Storm_rages

yea ok I'm sure i will get slated but there is something in the way the op it talking about this boy which is not sitting well with me at all!
You have been his only father figure (or at least he would most likely have seen you as one and yet you say you stood back from him!)
he is your partners son!
You tackled him at Christmas with out your partner being there!
he is 21 and i get the feeling you expect him to have moved out..
You call him wild..
I don't know op this is not sitting well with me at all!
(of course he should never raise a hand to anyone, but i don't think its so black and white!)

watna

This guy punched his 7 year half brother and neither you or your parnter did anything about it? Is she not worried about the safety of her younger children? Why were no charges pressed then?

Magicmatilda

It is a very difficult situation you are in. However you need to start taking some responibility. Correct me if I am wrong but when this Kid was 10 you and his mother brgan a relationship. At 12 you had moved in and a new baby was born. One you no doubt fussed over and doted on. However at the same time you kept your distance from this kid. Who is sharing the "family" home with you and your new family. How did that make him feel? Did anyone ever ask? You say yourself you don't see him as a stepson but he is.

You, you wife and this kids father have to all accept responibility here.

Why in 11 years have you not stood up to his father? Could you not explain that you feel about your son as he does about his and how would hee feel if someone gave his kid a black eye?

If you pursue this case it is likely that you will end your relationship. You need to sit with you wife and talk. About why you don't consider this kid your stepson? About how she feels about that? About how he feels about that.

Family counsellling is probably need to.

Has anyone considered why this kid is so angry and why he is drinking so much?

His behaviour is unacceptable but you need to see that as a symptom and find the cause.

Defenestrate

This guy who last year would have been 20 years old at the least, punched a 7 year old kid in the face and gave him a black eye. That is quite frankly inexcusable, it's him that needs councilling not you & your partner.

I'd just just give this fella a bloody good hiding next time he tried anything, sure you'd probably get hurt but he'd learn he can't get away with it anymore.

You owe it to your son to do something.

IrishHomer

Magicmatilda wrote: »

It is a very difficult situation you are in. However you need to start taking some responibility. Correct me if I am wrong but when this Kid was 10 you and his mother brgan a relationship. At 12 you had moved in and a new baby was born. One you no doubt fussed over and doted on. However at the same time you kept your distance from this kid. Who is sharing the "family" home with you and your new family. How did that make him feel? Did anyone ever ask? You say yourself you don't see him as a stepson but he is.

You, you wife and this kids father have to all accept responibility here.

Why in 11 years have you not stood up to his father? Could you not explain that you feel about your son as he does about his and how would hee feel if someone gave his kid a black eye?

If you pursue this case it is likely that you will end your relationship. You need to sit with you wife and talk. About why you don't consider this kid your stepson? About how she feels about that? About how he feels about that.

Family counsellling is probably need to.

Has anyone considered why this kid is so angry and why he is drinking so much?

His behaviour is unacceptable but you need to see that as a symptom and find the cause.

His father is still alive and like to throw his authority around when ever there is hassle so let him look after him for a change!

Few posts back someone siad the incident happened when i was on my own with him, not true. Partner was present when it happpened!

Magicmatilda

"His father is still alive and like to throw his authority around when ever there is hassle so let him look after him for a change!"


But is that likely to happen?

Obviousely his father is a waste of space who hasn't looked after him so far.

If you can walk away from your relationship no problem then that attitude is fine and proceed with the case, he comitted a crime and should have to face consequences. If however you can't walk away so easy then is that attitude going to help?

Sprouts

Think the line in the sand here is when he is hurting a child of 7, personally I couldn't be restrained if I saw that. If it's the mothers house you can't really demand him out if she wants him there. What a mess, no right answer here without something giving, good luck.

MarkR

None of us know what you should do in this case. Do you feel that you have to make a stand? If so then this could be where you draw your line in the stand. This 21 year old is an adult. If mammy is still babying him and protecting him from the real world, then maybe it's time the law was involved.

Personally, I would proceed with the case unless I saw a marked improvement, though to be honest I can't see any circumstance where i would let an adult give my son a black eye.

justsomebloke

IrishHomer wrote: »

Your way off the mark there!

I have never bossed him i am not that kind of person.

Kids are with current partner. She owns the family home too.

you confronted him about not paying his way in the house and it isn't even half your house and you think you have never bossed him

Seriously if it is her son and her house, shouldn't she be the one dealing with this issue and not you and if nothing is being done why didn't you have teh shouting match with her and not him.

And in relation to the black eye he gave his brother was it malicious or an accident as brothers will often play act and hurt each other

Mr. Incognito

Sorry mate but you playing the victim card here doesn't quite add up.

You say his father told you to back off? The same father who never takes him away or sees him? Why is his father dictating the rules in your house?
I think that's just an excuse that gave you the easy way out. Kids need a father. If his father isn't around he still needs a father figure and discipline. You are reaping what you sowed.

Confronting him on his own about not paying his way was stupid and to be honest you were probably looking for a confrontation to have him thrown out of the house. You cannot come between a mother and her child. You will lose, every time.

It's probably too late to make up for ten years of neglect, and, make no mistake it is neglect of this boy. He is backed into a corner, scared and what do you do? Call the cops. That, frankly is a joke. It's a power trip over him. Calls the dogs off and behave like an adult her. You should have acted a year ago when he hit your son. Basically what you said to him is do what you want. I don't care.

The boy is grown up. He's an adult now and needs to be treated like one. You need to sit down with him and do something you should have done ten years ago. Make your peace and talk to him. You are both probably so entrenched that this may be difficult but a gesture like calling the cops off may help. Throwing him out on the street isn't going to help either. You are going to have to find some way to discipline him. his mother and father need to be consulted in this and all three of you need to communicate this to him and hold a united front.

Beanstalk

jsb wrote: »

you confronted him about not paying his way in the house and it isn't even half your house and you think you have never bossed him

Seriously if it is her son and her house, shouldn't she be the one dealing with this issue and not you and if nothing is being done why didn't you have teh shouting match with her and not him.

And in relation to the black eye he gave his brother was it malicious or an accident as brothers will often play act and hurt each other

Hmmm the op sounds like he has been a really patient person to me so far, it's one thing to say that it should be the 21yr old's mother that should deal with him but unfortunately the reality is that he's not a kid anymore and it's pretty obvious he won't listen. The 21yr old is an unfortunate victim of parental seperation and is probably just angry with himself and everyone around him for it. His reactions are irresponsible though, but if i were you op i'd be sure exhaust every other possible course of action before taking legal action, as your home and family will more than likely never be the same after it...

As for his real father, going by your description of him why should you give a sh1t what he thinks? do you feel threatened by him?

Cork Exile

SetantaL wrote: »

Confronting him on his own about not paying his way was stupid and to be honest you were probably looking for a confrontation to have him thrown out of the house. You cannot come between a mother and her child. You will lose, every time.

SetantaL, if you read the post properly, you will see that the mother was present when he brought up that issue.

OP, perhaps you are somewhat to blame for this lad's upbringing but that doesn't in any way give him the right to attack a 7 year old child or yourself. See the case through!!!

Das Kitty

I think the problem is that you and your partner aren't acting as a team and for all intents and purposes haven't been with respect to bringing up this lad.

If you had been, you would have both stuck together against his dad and you would have been able to raise him as your son fully and in the same way you do with the kids that have your DNA in them. Really at this stage you shouldn't be thinking in terms of her kids / my kids, they should all be "our kids"

I don't think you should have gone to the Gardai without your partner agreeing to it, but I do think that she should have agreed to it in light of what happened with your younger lad.

It's a bit late for that now but the only real way out of this is to go to proper couples counseling with your partner and get the proper methods / tools to deal with this issue together, otherwise it'll just get worse and worse.

Storm_rages

yea i totally agree with das kitty, you should have raised him as a son, he was 10 for Fleck sake! you reap what you sow!

spinandscribble

i 'love' how you only took this 21 year old seriously when you got a taste of it, never mind the 7 year old. tbh you've laid the groundwork for letting him think he can do this.

"so, nothing happens if i beat up a 7 year old? sweeeet, now let me get my hands on the idiot that looks at me funny every time mam gives me a sandwich"

is this 21 year old in college btw? noones asked. you see if he was how exactly is he suppose to payt rent?

i'd also like to add i feel very sorry for the stepson, he was 10, he needed someone as a father.

00112984

IrishHomer wrote: »

She owns the family home too.

Her son, her house, her rules! You're not married to this woman, there's no legal ties. If she wanted to spend her days throw one euro coins at the 21 year old while he bit his owns toenails, you'd still have no say in the matter.

Quite frankly, if my mother had some guy in the house who didn't pay for it, I wouldn't be too fond of him either.