I Want My Family Out Of My Life

LegacyUser

This is a long post.

I am 22, Left home at 18 and living with my Fiance since then, I have a pretty big family(the kids run into the double numbers) My mam died when I was 2 and my dad remarried.

Latley I have had some rotten luck with jobs, and all im hearing from my family is" Nag nag nag" Theres only one person in my family I love and that my sister KATIE who is 28.
My stepmother fishes for gossip on my life and tells the rest of the family, and one of my sisters JANET(37) is a total physco, she ruined my 21st by fighting with her bf and making it all about her,If we do not invite her out when we are going out she flips and wont talk to us for about a week.

Recently I left a job where the conditions were awful and the only person i told was KATIE the sister im close to and i kept it from the rest of the family cos all id get is nag nag nag as usual. Then my stepmother "heard" i wasnt at the job anymore, and my sister JANET had the CHEEEK to call up my old boss and ask him was i still there.
So she tells the whole family(without telling me she knew) and even text me askn how was work to see what i would say and Im going mad. Im am so sick of this family. It will be too long to write so ill put it in points.

My father never sees his kids only when we meet him in our local pub and never visits my mams grave, He owns a business and he actually CHARGES his children for it(not saying what it is in case someone i know is on here)

My stepmother only calls us when shes pissed drunk and looking for gossip

Most of the family dont even bother showing up for our mothers annivsery mass and half of them never visit her grave

Theres always someone in the family whos fighting with another member over stupid stuff

Its one rule for one and one for another(Like my brother was in prision recently and the whole family rallied around him and said he was depressed etc) But when I decided to leave that recent job i was "Shaming the family"

When i refused to go see my bro in prision cos i didnt agree with what he did JANET started sending me snide texts and saying if i didnt go see him the family would disown me(However when 2 of my brothers said they would go for the same reason she didnt threaten them)

We dont see each other from one end of the month to the next,dispite living in the same area

.......................................................................................

I just want to leave here, I want to leave the country with my Fiance and never come back, My mother would be turning in her grave if she saw the state of the family. I am seriously considering going, The only one in my family I want to stay in contact with is KATIE and I was in tears talking to her about this the other night, I just wanna cut the rest of the family outta my life.If my father died i wouldnt even cry and thats awful but thats how bad things have gotten.

And im so SICK of them sticking their nose into my business, Im scared to make a choice in case it upsets SOMEONE in the family(And it always will), I was even going to stay at that job just so I wouldnt have to listen to them.I have gone out of my way to help my family, I have let them get loans out in my name to help their debts,I let their friends stay in my flat for the weekend, I have taken their kids for the weekend, I have lent them my car, done their shopping etc

I am 22 and Im ruled by my family and i get NO THANKS for anything i dO.

I have discussed this with another sister GILL (34) and told her im cutting off the rest of the family give or take 2 sisters and 1 brother and Im sure she will tell everyone but i dont care anymore.

ANY ADVICE?

LegacyUser

anyone

please

Oryx

You have a huge family. And not only is it huge, its complicated by having a stepmother. No wonder you have problems with some of them. I dont think any group of over 12 people is going to rub along together perfectly all the time. You have differing personalities. Some you will like, some you wont. Genetics doesnt guarantee we will be buddies with our siblings. Lots of people hate theirs. It happens.

All I would say is, separate yourself to a degree by all means. It sounds like you really need to. But dont make it into some grand gesture by declaring it to them all. That's really only a revenge attack for all the wrongs you see them having done to you. Be better than that. Just remove yourself from the stuff you dont like, in whatever way you can. Stop being there for them if it irritates you. Dont listen to threats to disown you, totally ignore that attitude. Be with the family members you like, for god's sake never ask them to choose you over someone else in the family.

You seem to carry particular ire for your stepmother. She may be horrible, but for the sake of peace you need to just accept her as flawed. Ignore her if you must, but accept she has to be part of your family's life.

Make your own choices, whatever they are. If it upsets someone, tough. If you refuse to be cowed by them they will have to learn to live with it. So they talk about you. So what? Its only talk and it wont hurt you. Shrug it off, be independant of them, without being isolated from them. They will only walk over you if you let them, so dont.

Dudess

Yep, believe in yourself and just put your foot down when they want to take advantage. Don't move abroad if you'd prefer to stay here.

Overheal

Distance can help. It sounds like this family unit doesn't see you as an independent entity, which is why they feel they can push you about and demand you see your incarcerated brother where they might give your other siblings the freedom to choose.

I agree that there should be no big declarations, just move away. The other side of town, the country, the continent, whatever. Buy a tiny little place and excuse yourself from having to host visitations if you want to take it so far. Into exile, I guess?

When I was a youngster I had to move in with my Dad after getting into a lot of trouble, and nobody seemed to seriously worry about me leaving at the time. Years and years on I can see, and they can see, that I've become a much different person and they enjoy scraping pride from me every time I visit; I'm 'the son from Ireland' :rolleyes:

They are exerting their control over you because they believe they can. If you move out and shatter that belief you will see a drastic change in their behavior. Me and my dad used to kill eachother but now that he sees me taking care of myself out here I have a lot of freedom to make my own choices: something unimaginable a couple years back.

Don't burn your bridges, but try closing them a while.

MattKid

Agree with the others do what you have to do. You don't need negative people bringing you down whether they are family or not. Just don't completely shut down all avenues of communication with them, but do things on your terms.

marthaclark

i can never emphasise the importance of boundaries.

speaking as someone who left home at 15.. this is the hardest thing you'll ever learn.

there are a few possible options when it comes to boundaries.

1) talk about it with the people you feel are overstepping the line. hopefully in a calm/respectful way. this can be very empowering. it can also work! (if the other people are adult enough to be respectful. that is probably the most important part)

2) distance. physical distance. not burning bridges kind of distance.. more.. new life distance that makes the interaction more manageable for you. this is sure to put you back in the control seat.. but it can be much more stressful than the first option if you are actually not ready for a new start. i wouldn't go skipping the country just to get away from your family.. try the opposite end of the country or something first!!

Unfortunately we are all adults.. and some of us are better at it than others

Beruthiel

OP
Distance and time will help.
You seem to care too much by what they say and do, so keep away from them and don't allow them to upset you.
At this stage you no longer depend on them as you can take care of yourself. As long as you can do that, they have no right to comment on how you run your life. Tell them that if needs be.
You are old enough to decide at this stage who you wish to keep in contact with and who you don't.
No need to burn any bridges, just keep away and reduce contact with the head melters.

seamus

Beruthiel wrote: »

OP
Distance and time will help.
You seem to care too much by what they say and do, so keep away from them and don't allow them to upset you.

Yep, +7 or so here for this viewpoint.
A big, "I hate you all, goodbye!" may sounds satisfying (as revenge), but you'll probably end up getting more grief and pain from them. Just phase yourself out, make less effort to contact them and don't respond to their crap and you'll find yourself much more calm about the whole thing.

Smaller families tend to gel together better for a number of reasons - mainly that everyone is relatively close in age, so shared more-or-less the same experiences growing up, and experienced only a small struggle for "power" through the years.

People have come on here before talking about their big family and how they don't know or don't get on with some of their siblings. I would say that this is because there is a larger age gap between many of the siblings, which means that many have experienced different lives and so will not have anything to share with eachother. Some people also have difficulty letting go of the whole "I'm the eldest" thing, even well into their 40's and 50's and for some reason think that they have some authority over the other adult family members.

Mr. Incognito

I read in a psychology book that the more dsyfunctional the family the tighter knit it is to lock the boundary on it's own dsyfunction. My mother has 14 in her family and they are seriously dsyfunctional and controlled by my Grandmother. There are stories of my uncle being in his 40's and having to go home from the pub in America because if he was late home his aunt would write his mother and he'd be in the dog-house. Unbelieveable stuff! There are wife beaters, alcoholics, evil millionaires and one or two actually cool people in my Mom's family and In contrast my Dad's family of ten are all cool, independent people who only meeet occasionally.
My way to handle it was to simply ignore the crazies of teh bunch. I couldn't give a flying fck about family dynamics. In large families you are going to have clashes. People cannot be close in a family that bbig becuase you just do not have the time to connect as a family.
Just ignore the retards. Don't answer the phone to them. Be civil and polite but don't bother yourself and you'll get along just fine. I'm not even going to bother going unreg because you can't change your family and you don't OWE them anything.

barbiegirl

It sounds like you are having a hard time. Do you come from a small town? I do and I know my family, also quite large, are very much in each others lives. I however live in Dublin which gives me the ability to seperate my life and yet I'm in touch very regularly.
Don't move country, unless you seriously want to for other reasons. But open your horizons, you don't have to stay in the one place all your life, you can move, better jobs and life can await you.
Remember you are not resonsible for your siblings nor they for you. Helping and loving one another is great, interfering maliciously is not. Plus as the baby all the older ones probably feel like they need to mind you, they've been doing it their whole lifes, now you find it suffocating, a little independence will do you good.